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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 27 2009 : 4:47:49 PM
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Hi Carson
quote:
Explore what within herself? I don't understand....The problem is me not her.
Help her explore why she has trouble with intimacy. By comuning with her in a loving way.
Marriage is a joint venture, no?
A joint responsibility, yes?
Neither of you is "a problem" 
I am finding my pillow now....I'll be back tomorrow....if the shine wills it.
God natt, Carson
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Feb 27 2009 : 4:49:44 PM
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Thank you for all your help and advice Katrine (and all).
Have a wonderfully blissful sleep. Namaste
Love,
Carson |
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mikkiji
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Feb 27 2009 : 8:50:29 PM
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Yes indeed, the heart is huge and has room for more than one in it. I love my children more than anything in life today--but differently than I love my wife, who I've known for only 15 months. My love for my late wife, who was my best friend for 40 years, lives in my heart as its most durable character, because she created the first stirrings of love in my heart, taught me what love means and how to feel and express it. My current wife lives in the warm glow of that light, which was lit by my late wife so long ago--as I suspect I live in the glow of HER love for HER late husband. I find nothing wrong with all of this confused mish-mosh of love, as it is all merely practice for the real true love in creation, which is our love of god, which is love of the divine source of Self within. With every new love, my heart expands to take in more of my love of god--and so, the door to love IS god, as the door to god is love. So, how fortunate to have a NEW wife to love, a stepson to love, life is gaining so much more of itself thereby.
Michael |
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Peter
Italy
25 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2009 : 09:58:59 AM
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Hi Carson,
Sometimes things get set up in such a way that our current situation neatly mirrors a past situation. When this happens, we are allowed a fantastic opportunity to see our current situation from multiple perspectives at once.
In your specific case, once upon a time your girlfriend was the object of attraction and you were the attracted. And, as you've already pointed out, now it's roughly the same situation again, but in reverse.
You get to see what it's now like for your wife, knowing what it once was like for you.
And you also find out something of what it once was like for your girlfriend, knowing how it is for you now.
What can this dual perspective foster? Bitterness... or a deepening of compassion.
Am I suggesting you have "compassionate sex"? Of course not. But you may discover in this deepening compassion a deeper root of love, and also eventually the wisdom necessary to choose the best actions and words that the situation longs for.
Peter
PS
quote:
Spiritual union with another human being is not necessary for spiritual liberation (thank God) or I'd be f'ed.
ROTFLMFGO!!!
This needs to go on a t-shirt...! |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2009 : 12:48:27 PM
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Hi Peter
Thanks for adding that very valid perspective....and for bringing compassion into the picture
quote:
quote:
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Spiritual union with another human being is not necessary for spiritual liberation (thank God) or I'd be f'ed.
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Yes.....
To be "spiritually healthy" is to be synchronized to your own inner growth process. We incarnate in order to "study" and "fulfill" certain "tasks". This "learning" is superior to everything else. If the integration of a spiritual principle (like compassion f.ex) means learning through a certain difficult situation, then willingly living through this challenge implies that you are spiritually healthy, because ....through this.....you will integrate the "learning" that you came to "achieve".
Carson:
Hope there wasn't too much confusion after our "talk" yesterday....It is a fine balance here...regarding how to answer questions like that. I am not an authority on anybody's lives but my own (not even that, in fact *laughing*)....and telling people what to do is never the best avenue. You are firmly rooted in inner silence, so I know you know that. You know what I mean when I say you listen inwards and find your own answers. Luckily you already do this This is the permanent healing. Hope I was within the line yesterday.......and that the clarity today is greater than the confusion.
Peter:
Sorry for being daft....but what does this mean? 
quote:
ROTFLMFGO!!!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2009 : 1:33:03 PM
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Hi Peter.....thank you for your very kind and insightful post....I am very glad you have decided to become part of the AYP forum.
quote:
Originally posted by Peter
Sometimes things get set up in such a way that our current situation neatly mirrors a past situation. When this happens, we are allowed a fantastic opportunity to see our current situation from multiple perspectives at once.
In your specific case, once upon a time your girlfriend was the object of attraction and you were the attracted. And, as you've already pointed out, now it's roughly the same situation again, but in reverse.
You get to see what it's now like for your wife, knowing what it once was like for you.
And you also find out something of what it once was like for your girlfriend, knowing how it is for you now.
What can this dual perspective foster? Bitterness... or a deepening of compassion.
Am I suggesting you have "compassionate sex"? Of course not. But you may discover in this deepening compassion a deeper root of love, and also eventually the wisdom necessary to choose the best actions and words that the situation longs for.
Peter
PS
quote:
Spiritual union with another human being is not necessary for spiritual liberation (thank God) or I'd be f'ed.
ROTFLMFGO!!!
This needs to go on a t-shirt...!
Yes....isn't it funny how life "sets us up" sometimes? Puts us in a seemingly unbearable situation, and then lets us out of it only to put us in the same situation as before but in the other person's shoes. This is what is making this situation so difficult I think. I KNOW how my wife is feeling....I've been there. And yet this gives me a whole new perspective on my last relationship and I kinda wish I had a chance to go back and apply what I have learned in my current relationship, to my OLD relationship because we had so much history together and it was a shame to lose it. So its kinda making me live in the past a little too much....thinking about what could have been if I had only known then what I know now. See what I mean? I DO have a good grasp on reality though, so I do know what I need to do. It's just hard. I know I need to apply the "inside" knowledge I have of how my wife is feeling, to the solution. Take the solution I wish my ex had discovered and acted on years ago, and use it myself to solve this problem in my current relationship. This is obvious to me now. But putting this into action is a little easier said then done. It's not as simple as just "have sex with her".....I have to really let myself be "in love" with my wife....the whole package....let go of the need for "perfect" visual stimulus and just make love to her. Sounds so simple yet is it.....
Thanks for the advice...please stick around.
Love,
Carson |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2009 : 1:49:23 PM
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Hi Katrine...hope you are having a wonderful Saturday in Oslo
quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
To be "spiritually healthy" is to be synchronized to your own inner growth process. We incarnate in order to "study" and "fulfill" certain "tasks". This "learning" is superior to everything else. If the integration of a spiritual principle (like compassion f.ex) means learning through a certain difficult situation, then willingly living through this challenge implies that you are spiritually healthy, because ....through this.....you will integrate the "learning" that you came to "achieve".
Well said. Makes me feel a little better about this all too. Not so....guilty
quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
Hope there wasn't too much confusion after our "talk" yesterday....It is a fine balance here...
Thank you for your concern....no, actually there was more clarity then confusion after yesterdays conversations...a little bit of ummm....surprised......perplexity? A little bit overwhelmed with Truth really, but after meditation and samyama yesterday afternoon I felt much more at peace about it all. And I realize that this topic is walking a fine balance as all advice is personal really....that's why I debated long and hard about posting this topic and didn't for a long time.....that's also why there has been such a variety of advice from far left to far right. I have taken it all
in and inquired as to how I resonate with each one, and have grown from this I feel. Thank you for our helpful advice.
quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
regarding how to answer questions like that. I am not an authority on anybody's lives but my own (not even that, in fact *laughing*)....and telling people what to do is never the best avenue. You are firmly rooted in inner silence, so I know you know that. You know what I mean when I say you listen inwards and find your own answers. Luckily you already do this This is the permanent healing. Hope I was within the line yesterday.......and that the clarity today is greater than the confusion.
Exactly....again, I was responding to you before I read the whole post, and you have once again taken the words out of my mouth....the clarity is greater then the cofusion today. Thank you
quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
Peter:
Sorry for being daft....but what does this mean?
[quote]ROTFLMFGO!!!
Yeah Peter! What does this mean? 
Love,
Carson
(off to the vet to vaccinate the puppies for another year....lucky them |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Feb 28 2009 1:50:21 PM |
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2009 : 4:08:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
(off to the vet to vaccinate the puppies for another year....lucky them
at least, their life is much more peaceful and simple than ours, right?! they don't bother about sex, love and spirituality!
No, more seriously, I'm happy that you found peace and clarity inside, Carson.
It's easy for the one who is 'outside' the situation to give advices and comments.. or let's say "easier"..than the one involved..
I would say 2 things today: just drop the past! you have learned a lot from your past experiences, but don't look back.. just look at where you are right now, look at what you have..
Feel beyond any form or look.. see the heart, feel the heart in your wife.. your heart is the key..
Yesterday, something unexpected happened to me.. something very simple if put in words.. but experiencing this simple thing was a good surprise for me: I joined a meditation group (about 10 persons) where I couldn't initially feel warmth or love from anyone in the group.. first there was talking, talking, talking, then we did some stretching exercises.. I really said to myself "what the f..@!! am I doing here with those people?!"
But when it came to meditation, we simply sat down in silence ..
Then, I started to feel better; I was cold until then.. although my heart was a bit cold, I decided to imagine red roses coming out from it and reaching others heart.. people I don't know.. I just visualised those roses.. along with deep breathing.. and soon, I was surprised to feel warm vibes around my body... the room was soon filled with love vibrations... my heart started to open and tune to this melting warmth..
So what I'm trying to say here is, although the outside situation looks uncomfortable or doesn't correspond to our needs or likes, by just letting go and giving the heart a chance to simply "be", to tune to others heart, naturally the energy will flow and when you feel this flow, just let it possess you totally.. you will feel the connection with your wife; bodies will become fluidlike.. and then, all the fears will drop.. only silence and love remain.. |
Edited by - Goddessinside on Feb 28 2009 4:30:05 PM |
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Peter
Italy
25 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2009 : 01:09:29 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
Peter:
Sorry for being daft....but what does this mean?
quote:
ROTFLMFGO!!!
Yeah Peter! What does this mean?
Sorry folks - geek speak, perhaps not appropriate here...
When LOL (Laugh Out Loud) isn't enough, you are ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing).
Carson's combination of thanking the Supreme Creator of spiritual union and liberation for not making them co-dependent, and adding he'd be f'ed (or unioned) if it were so, struck me as supremely funny. So when faced with something that's supremely funny, it becomes ROTFLMFGO, or Rolling On The Floor Laughing My F'ing Guts Out.
Like I said, perhaps not appropriate here...!     
On a more serious note: of course compassion shines in all directions, towards everyone involved, including oneself.
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Edited by - Peter on Mar 01 2009 01:25:32 AM |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2009 : 8:35:40 PM
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I look at it this way
I went to buy a car in september 07. I dont really care for the most expensive car in the world. I want something reliable and somethihg I enjoy driving. I was thinking of getting a toyata yaris, toyato corrola
or a honda civic. The civic was the most expensive of the three. However I had a 96 civic that lasted ten years, great car. I personally found the looks of the civic MUCH more appealing then the other two. I decided the Civic because if I chose the yaris or corrolla I knew I would regret not buying the civic, even though it was a little more. To me the civic looks great, runs great, gets good gas milage, has four doors, etc... Occasionally would I like to drive a mustang? yes I would, but if you showed up to my house in a brand new ford mustang or a honda civic and said "one of these is yours for the next ten years" I would take the civic. Goes fast enough for me, looks good enough for me. Overall the whole package fo the civic is better to me. Others may see it differently and that is ok.
also, if you are resisting the fact that you dont find her highly attractive and trying to suppress this, it may persist even more. If you feel guilty about this, the guilt may increase. my best to you in this
with love
Brother Neil
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 12:21:13 PM
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Hi Peter and thanks for clarifying for us.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 12:29:00 PM
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Hi brother neil...
quote:
Originally posted by brother neil
I look at it this way
I went to buy a car in september 07. I dont really care for the most expensive car in the world. I want something reliable and somethihg I enjoy driving. I was thinking of getting a toyata yaris, toyato corrola
or a honda civic. The civic was the most expensive of the three. However I had a 96 civic that lasted ten years, great car. I personally found the looks of the civic MUCH more appealing then the other two. I decided the Civic because if I chose the yaris or corrolla I knew I would regret not buying the civic, even though it was a little more. To me the civic looks great, runs great, gets good gas milage, has four doors, etc... Occasionally would I like to drive a mustang? yes I would, but if you showed up to my house in a brand new ford mustang or a honda civic and said "one of these is yours for the next ten years" I would take the civic. Goes fast enough for me, looks good enough for me. Overall the whole package fo the civic is better to me. Others may see it differently and that is ok.
also, if you are resisting the fact that you dont find her highly attractive and trying to suppress this, it may persist even more. If you feel guilty about this, the guilt may increase. my best to you in this
In regards to your anaolgy, my situation would be more like this:
You wanted the Honda Civic, but for some reason the credit approval company refused you and you were forced to purchase your second favorite model...the Yaris or whatever. How do you learn to love (and be attracted) to the Yaris as much as you are/were to your first pick the Honda Civic?
Love,
Carson |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 3:33:23 PM
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Hi Carson
quote:
How do you learn to love (and be attracted) to the Yaris as much as you are/were to your first pick the Honda Civic?
The same way you let the mantra do you
Love.....is not something you learn to do.
Love.....it just happens....it is bound to happen when you stop the doing.
And why settle for the level of love you once had for that Honda?
Is the sky even the limit?
In depth...in hight...in cubics....in squares.....in kilometers......who knows? The possibilities are infinite......
Who is to say where the company of that Yaris will take both of you - on your own.......and together?
How about....an attitude....of deep listening?
Not for any answers....listen beyond those.......but for the sake of openness....expansion.
Allow.......
And then allow some more......
and then never stop allowing
Peter:
Sorry for being daft again....but what is "geek language" ?
And please continue with it.....whatever it means....*lol* |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 5:15:22 PM
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Thanks Katrine....I don't even have a response....I just want to assimilate what you have said. Perfect advice and I thank you. Cheers.
Love,
Carson |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 6:45:58 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Hi brother neil...
quote:
Originally posted by brother neil
I look at it this way
I went to buy a car in september 07. I dont really care for the most expensive car in the world. I want something reliable and somethihg I enjoy driving. I was thinking of getting a toyata yaris, toyato corrola
or a honda civic. The civic was the most expensive of the three. However I had a 96 civic that lasted ten years, great car. I personally found the looks of the civic MUCH more appealing then the other two. I decided the Civic because if I chose the yaris or corrolla I knew I would regret not buying the civic, even though it was a little more. To me the civic looks great, runs great, gets good gas milage, has four doors, etc... Occasionally would I like to drive a mustang? yes I would, but if you showed up to my house in a brand new ford mustang or a honda civic and said "one of these is yours for the next ten years" I would take the civic. Goes fast enough for me, looks good enough for me. Overall the whole package fo the civic is better to me. Others may see it differently and that is ok.
also, if you are resisting the fact that you dont find her highly attractive and trying to suppress this, it may persist even more. If you feel guilty about this, the guilt may increase. my best to you in this
In regards to your anaolgy, my situation would be more like this:
You wanted the Honda Civic, but for some reason the credit approval company refused you and you were forced to purchase your second favorite model...the Yaris or whatever. How do you learn to love (and be attracted) to the Yaris as much as you are/were to your first pick the Honda Civic?
Love,
Carson
my first pick would be a BMW
A thought came to mind. Just a few weeks ago you were talking about getting your partner to open up and enjoy herself during sex. now she seems she is doing that more, according to some posts you wrote, so now once again a part of you is not satisfied, which part is that? |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2009 : 7:20:39 PM
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Hi Brother Neil...
quote:
Originally posted by brother neil
A thought came to mind. Just a few weeks ago you were talking about getting your partner to open up and enjoy herself during sex. now she seems she is doing that more, according to some posts you wrote, so now once again a part of you is not satisfied, which part is that?
Yes this is a bit of a continuing saga I guess. And I probably make it seem like a bigger deal then it actually is.
The part of me that is not satisfied is probably the part of me that is living in the past. Time to move on......I know this.
Thanks.
Love,
Carson |
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Peter
Italy
25 Posts |
Posted - Mar 03 2009 : 05:56:53 AM
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quote:
Sorry for being daft again....but what is "geek language" ?
And please continue with it.....whatever it means....*lol*
Not daft at all!
Geeks are specifically people who have a strong attraction to technical, especially computer-related, topics. So "geek speak" is the language or jargon they tend to adopt. (I spend a good deal of time in computer forums since my principal hat at my company is as a web developer, so I get well steeped in geek speak...)
More generally speaking, a geek is anyone with a strong attraction to the technical aspects of a particular topic. Hence, for instance, it would be possible for someone to qualify as a yoga geek! |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Mar 03 2009 : 05:58:21 AM
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Hi Carson,
Most folks here are telling you to settle for what you have and they may well be right but there is an alternative view as well so check it out: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofa...e/videos.php
Personally this resonates better with me than the settle for what you have stuff but again I am no relationship subject matter expert. There is more on youtube also if you run a search. Hope you make the best decision for you. Good luck,  Lili |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Mar 03 2009 : 6:55:09 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Lili
Hi Carson,
Most folks here are telling you to settle for what you have and they may well be right but there is an alternative view as well so check it out: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofa...e/videos.php
Lili
when you say most folks are implying this, who are you implying is implying this? funny thing about written word, it can be taken many ways, spoken word as well. Maybe you were implying the words written by me implied this, maybe not, I am open to thoughts being wrong. If we are looking to lesson the EGO, me me me part of ourselves and turn into WE, then we ask ourselves questions, like who is not satisfied. Who wants more, who says this is not enough. Carson wanted one thing, now he has it, now he is no longer satisfied with it. SO then he goes and drives a BMW, then a Lexua, and then might find out that does not satisfy him either, or maybe it does. Just some thoughts
my best to you
brother Neil |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 03 2009 : 7:07:27 PM
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Hi Carson,
I can't add much to this thread -- except maybe the note that no-one can really tell how important sexual attraction is for you. A person's sexuality seems to run very much to the beat of its own drum.
I have to say that I admire your honesty and openness though. You came right out and discussed some angles that most would never touch.
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2009 : 06:06:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by brother neil
Carson wanted one thing, now he has it, now he is no longer satisfied with it. SO then he goes and drives a BMW, then a Lexua, and then might find out that does not satisfy him either, or maybe it does. Just some thoughts
my best to you
brother Neil
Hi Brother Neil,
You are absolutely right--so the prevailing view expressed by a lot of people is that he should stop wanting and I think that it's OK to want a BMW, and then change your mind and want a Lexus and then change your mind again--don't see a point to live in denial that you want these things and keep changing your mind but also don't claim my viewpoint is "correct"--it's just what I think at this point in time. Lili |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2009 : 7:09:00 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Lili
quote:
Originally posted by brother neil
Carson wanted one thing, now he has it, now he is no longer satisfied with it. SO then he goes and drives a BMW, then a Lexua, and then might find out that does not satisfy him either, or maybe it does. Just some thoughts
my best to you
brother Neil
Hi Brother Neil,
You are absolutely right--so the prevailing view expressed by a lot of people is that he should stop wanting and I think that it's OK to want a BMW, and then change your mind and want a Lexus and then change your mind again--don't see a point to live in denial that you want these things and keep changing your mind but also don't claim my viewpoint is "correct"--it's just what I think at this point in time. Lili
Thanks for the discussion. Should someone stop "Wanting" well if you want something and deny yourself of it, resentment may arise. However if we want something and look at the wanting of it, things may change as to how we feel. Say I want a hamburger, maybe it is not good or bad to want a hamburger. However for me maybe the hamburger would leave me feeling sluggish and not digest fully for a few days. What part of me wants a hamburger? the physical body, the mental body, the spiritual aspect, etc.... I believe the physical body may want more nourishing food, so now is it the full essence of "Neil" that wants a hamburger? When understanding occurs on something our "wants" and "needs" may acually come in harmony? SOme people may want to do drugs their whole life, then when they understand that they are not filling their void, the want may go away because understanding has taken its place. and there is the possibility that we try everything we want and in the end we find out what it is that we truly want.
just more thoughts on it
thanks lili
brother Neil
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 05:44:36 AM
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Hi Brother Neil,
You're absolutely right and this is a valid approach of the Byron Katie variety. I've used it in some situations too. However while it may stop you from this particular hamburger it may not stop you from continuously wanting hamburgers as you go along. I find in my experience that it is much better and time efficient to eat the hamburger when you want it and then get grossed out of wanting hamburgers for months then torment yourself with a lengthy analysis and soul searching.
The other thing is that something as important as sex and your partner is probably not so easy to diffuse by this method, because as Carson pointed out and my experience seems to indicate there is a massive difference in experince that you can have that affects your quality of life a great deal. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 07:16:18 AM
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Hi Peter
quote:
More generally speaking, a geek is anyone with a strong attraction to the technical aspects of a particular topic. Hence, for instance, it would be possible for someone to qualify as a yoga geek!
*lol*
Thanks for clarifying |
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Lavazza
69 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2009 : 02:22:39 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Yes but what if your partner wants sex and you don't? And your partner is of the type of person that will take rejection very very personally?
To cut it short: If your partner is a woman. |
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© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
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Sexual attraction: important or not?
