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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 4:40:08 PM
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Everyone is right and i already knew it all i have been resisting, I have woken up too many things and have allways tried to be awareness and not let the ego have control of me but the struggles of life have gotten the best of me and I wanted to let go and stop walking this path because it seemed so hard when all around me my life was changing so quick i seemed to of lost more then i gained but now i relise all that had to happen to show me more to make me relise my life was not balanced and was destined to be miserable.
I have intented to put a of this energy into practice and devotion but right now im stuck living in my dads house with my sister and her boyfriend im in a tiny bedroom with no income, i lost all my friends as they thought i had lost the plot so im just at a low point, at the sametime im dealing with intense energies which put my emotions all over the place, im trying to get into my own enviroment into my own vibe to integrate everything into my life without all the negitive vibes pouring over me here, so hard to moveout If i had a full time job earning a minumum wage of say 800 a small 1 bedroom flat would cost me 600! I see no way out, I have one good friend i met recently who i consider my best friend for life who is in the same situation and together we cant pull it off.
I kind of switched off and was only concentrating on getting out of the hole to move out first and foremost, eating well and exercise come later, right now im being fed what i consider non food poor nurtrition, bread and chips and frozen ready meals I used to eat ony fruit nuts seeds and veg and now my energy and concentration is affected im tired all the time, I need to sort out my life on two fronts.
I really can not be in this house i lock myself away, I can not relate to my father or my sister they have no idea what im going through i need my space and I have little which is sending me abit mad, i could go out into the urban jungle but it depresses me lol I try to sociaise alot that helps with the right people.
I know my life can be soooo wonderous i really want to give back to the world and heal this place I been out of the system completly and im dreading going in, getting ID a bankaccount all that buisiness makes me cringe, looks like i need a menial job, god help me! 40 hours a week! who come up with that 8 hours sleep travel too come back cook food 8 hours sleep whats left! and I still will not afford moving out!
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Edited by - zeroman52 on Jan 28 2011 5:07:55 PM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2011 : 2:17:58 PM
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Sorry for all that.
I have been working on taking care, im getting things done like exercise, meditation and such, something happened today i got upset over something and i felt this energy shoot up from my pelvis area to my heart area and it was so intense i had to hold my chest it was verging on painfull, the energies are getting intense and at times it makes me feel like im jittering inside. |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2011 : 06:35:47 AM
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Your situation sounds difficult but I think you will get through it and come out much better than before.
THere is something called the kundalini suport network. I would look them up and see if anyone there can relate or advice about your particular situation.
THere is also a site called biologyofkundalini that has tons of info about kundalini from a more scientific perpsective.
THe user Phore at thetaobums.com has had an active kundalini for some time now and recently went through the stage where the internal feminine and masculine are balanced. I think he might be able to give you some advice. I doubt that you are suposed to become feminine I think you are supposed to integrate the feminine with the masculine. Having recetnly worked specifically on that I think he can give you some useful perspective.
Adding deep meditation sounds like a great idea. I think inner slience will help balance things out. I suspect you also need to get more grounded as in getting energy down from your head into your dan tien and feet. There are many ways to do so. Through excercise pilates is especially good at this but it does so very slowly. Squats, especially certain kinds help, ancel rotations, rubbing the soles of the feet, walking slowly backwards, balancing excercises, walks in nature, doing gardening are all good ways. Standing meditation is a very direct, powerful and quick way of doing it. If you try 5-8 minutes a day you should start seeing good results in terms of grounding quite fast. Google Zhan Zhuang (standing meditaiton). It can be learnt on ones own easily as the posture will naturally correct itself when you stand there and relax. I am especially fond of the wuji posture. Tai chi is also great for grounding and balancing you out. Yogani does tai chi.
Weight training is also quite good fro grounding and a joint program called intuflow works very well when done over the long term.
You can also read the book path notes of an american ninja master by Glenn Morris. He writes a bit about how kundalini brings forth the internal feminine and how internal martial artists utilize this for their benefit. He called it discovering your inner princess:)
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2011 : 09:20:32 AM
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The past week the feminine aspect has all but gone I seemed to of intergrated it into my being I no longer feel it and i miss it with all my heart.
Im starting to wish none of this happened I do not feel i can manage it, i spent years depressed abusing drugs growing up i want to be comfortbly numb again I have no motivation to adopt an active approach towards life I allways want escape rather than confront the challenges of life. I caught scabies months ago and stil havent gone to the doctors to get treatment, why? I dont know why im not able to push myself to do things not even for my own good. Also My hands are hurting i have a serious imbalance somewhere, i took some lsd last month and it sent shooting energies to my right hand and i was in dire agonony for hours since then it gets painful in my fingers i started to try heal it my fingers were hard to move felt like the nerves had been shot yet i still do things to make it worse.
Why did this happen to me in the first place there are proberly people out there who are actively doing and trying to attain something through meditation and such who have not got the experiance i have had, I get it and it seems a waste because i was wishing my self dead.
I thought i need a girl in my life, i have never had a girl friend or had any touch or contact with one, i grew up without my mum as well i just want to be held and touched and it makes me cry thinking about it, i thought if i had that in my life it might push me forward and be an anchor for me, i have been trying and thats what made me upset yesturday dealing with the fear of rejection and lonelyness.
It is making everything in my life harder when it comes to dealing with the challenges, the emotions are too intense.
It all sounds abit depressing and I am going through a hard time right now and it seems like im in a constant downer but there are several times in the day when i can uplift myself and feel a connection to something blissfull which fills my body up with loving energies and I know if I can get past the challenges my life could be beautyfull I just feel so alone with it all.
Final edit. I keep giving up and going to bed i can not deal with the emotion, im not going too but would suicide end this?would it have negitive conciquence on my soul, i ask because i keep giving up and i fee soon i wi want it to end. |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Feb 01 2011 12:15:12 PM |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2011 : 2:36:29 PM
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I think suicide wouldn`t help you just bring it along with you werever you go next.
I think you are probably caught in the bliss and the new femininty found in the kundalini because you so strongly desire an escape and that this is why you want to go all into it as oposed to progressing with finding an overal balance of male female as kundalini is more commonly considered to help one towards. Not having had your mother arround and not having had a girlfriend probably contributes to the strong need for femininity. I think a more viable soloution than going all into the feminine would be to see it as a possibility for a hgiher integration were you will always have access to a larger degree of feminine energy than most men will ever have and as so you can see yourself as lucky because of that.
I also recognize from myself the need to escape from teh misery of life being so great that virtualy anything can seem like an escape you want to be absorbed in.
Shinzen young has an article about pain and suffering and one on equanimity on his website shinzen.org that I think you will find valuable.
The problem of never having had a girlfriend can be solved once you have your life basicly in order. The pickup community has shown itself to be highly effective in teaching men how to be successfull with women. So there are methods out there to teach you what you need in order to get a girlfriend. Also the kundalini energy in tiem increases your sexual magnetism to a large degree. It is commone for men practicing meditation and yoga to start getting much more attention from women after a while. Of course when you go completely into the feminine it won`t work like that but when more balanced this is the experience of most guys.
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2011 : 2:41:03 PM
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| I lost control of myself and headbutted my sister who shouted at me i just snapped i have never hit anyone it aint me, i got kicked out for it and my family and only friend have told me im not apart of there life till i sort myself out, i have a place to stay but im worse off now then i was. really not going well. |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Feb 06 2011 3:51:25 PM |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2011 : 4:51:48 PM
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Hey zeroman52,
Sorry to hear that.
Have you considered starting the AYP practices? They really do wonders to balance and stabilize the energy surges that are associated with these awakenings. Just a few minutes of spinal breathing and deep meditation each day really tones things down. |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2011 : 4:58:02 PM
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Yer i Have tried to do meditation and i actually enjoy it, does it matter if im laying down? it reminds me of going to sleep, i know im meant to be aware and just watch my thoughts and not attach to them but am i meant to reach a state of no thoughts? they seem to be fighting to get through and little bits gets through then my mind seems to drift into a dream state i find it hard to keep aware of anything my mind is dreaming up images that i get caught up in like floating along with it.
In time i will find my way with it, im trying to get pass the urge to masterbate often, i would use it as a means of escape and emotional healing as the energy would envelpe me and i felt loved and at home, i feel alone in the world and want to find someone to share it with, i think this is the root of my problems. I might not have the chance to feel in my place to do that here anyway, so it might be a new start for me, i felt forced out of my home i knew it was coming i felt it for ages, when i did what i did it felt like i was not the one doing it was very strange.
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Edited by - zeroman52 on Feb 06 2011 5:14:46 PM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2011 : 09:08:00 AM
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My dad came to me today with a present! an ebook reader, im now reading awareness someone recommened thanks, i can now read books amazing.
He understands im going through a very tough time and just wants me to get on im welcome back when i get start earning some money, a job :( |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2011 : 6:09:13 PM
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Thanks I have faith im going to arrive, i had a wake up call a harsh one it is forcing me to change.
Im going to read the ebooks on this site, if anyone else has any recommended reading material to help me on my way i would appreciate it. |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2011 : 3:28:06 PM
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You might get something out of these videos. Especially number one and two at the bottom of the site. Very informative.
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2011 : 11:22:13 PM
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Things are getting better im keeping my state of mind under control, i have had some realy weird experainces i started to stretch my spine and posture out alot of pain and clicking my posture is correct now and i had a very weak shoulder that i never relised i had, i popped that back lots of pain and sharp snaps but it seemed unconsious like i just started doing it,was almost in a daze doing it for hours for weeks, now im onto my neck whats next? ha. m body feels like it is reshaping.
a girl randomly started chatting to me online awhile back we was immediately got onto our deep desires and while chatting about it i got intense energy build up whch was ver blissfull, i wanted so badly to share it with her which i imagined doing, both of us in the heights of bliss this made it more intense. She told me she had got tingles and vibrations in her body and had the most powerfull orgasm she ever had thanks to me apprantly ;) now she is talking about our special vibe and that she can feel me, sounded sureal to me then i did some reading and read about shaktipat maybe it is possible to feel anothers energy from ong distance?
Anyway we are meeting up soon, everytime i think about her i get a warm glow in my heart i think if we do connect on some spirtual level I ma just explode energy i can feel it. :)
The feminine aspect is still very much alive it is apart of me now, still sends cold rushes up my spine everytime i get intouch, im only truly happy when im with her or myself whatever it is. I feel it is my true self brought into balance. |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Mar 23 2011 11:52:45 PM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2011 : 11:50:53 PM
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Hi Zeroman,
I really feel what you may be going through. Don't worry about what might happen, whatever is happening, take it like it is, easy, and relax. Hope you find a way that is benefiting to you and your life.
Much love and joy, feel free to be as you are.
:)
Yonatan |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2011 : 12:02:22 AM
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I have secret longings to find through a woman some beautiful dream of ecstasy, where every moment together is like swimming in a sea of bliss and love taking each other into the realm of spiritual enlightenment a joyous giving. I feel i might get there in this life time :)
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2011 : 07:37:38 AM
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It's safer to seek enlightenment on your own. I thought I had what you describe; I would "see God" when we made love all night and after I didn't know where i was or who i was. Then I found out she was not experiencing the same as me; to her it was just "good sex", and while I was planning marriage she was cheating. I was devastated for years.
She still wanted to marry me; said sex is nothing to her.
The whole problem arises from attaching to another person. Better to not attach to anything! |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2011 : 6:42:33 PM
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| Can someone pray i find away to earn some money to by needs i tried asking and attracting it to me but im stil going hungry some days, everything is going well but i can not seem to get the basic needs sorted out, i need a job but there is very few going, sure a call centre or some other service industry there are tons in the uk there are plenty but i can not serioulsy deal with nasty vibes right now doing that not that i would be good at it. Im going nowhere with out a diet of pure foods. only thing bringing me to a halt feel like i can not start anything serious practices till i can eat right, i do not even wanna workout makes me feel good but precious little energy to go into it. |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Mar 26 2011 6:57:37 PM |
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sadhak
India
604 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2011 : 10:55:43 AM
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Hi Zeroman,
You can expect a different result when you break out of your pattern and do something different. Doing the same thing, the same script, will get you the same results, right?
So choose what different thing: Smile at yourself, go out and talk a nice walk. Help somebody. Chat up someone. Sit straight (with support if you want) and do a spot of deep meditation and spinal breathing. Take a look at Samayama... a bit of a jump, but may be the thing for you. There is so much to explore.
All the instructions are right here in this site.
Also how about just plain refuse to energise the negative chatter in and outside of you. No matter what, pull up and keep your vibrations high. Witness what's going on inside you. Let it go.
Then the pattern will break, and you can ease into a new cycle ... the one which YOU want. That will enable you to witness your greater potential, higher self, and enable you to evolve. Because you are this magnificent soul, you do see, right? Okey, then, list out five things that you are really grateful for... and smile ... watch the change happening to you ... it will 
Have a transformational day!
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2011 : 3:56:25 PM
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Some days i do loose myself in chatter it lowers me when i attach to it, im relising how powerfull the thoughts are other days i loose myself in loving bliss brought about by thoughts of loving intent it brings this energy over my whole body it feels like charging up a battery of bliss which leaves my body tingling and vibrating cool waves.
it is getting harder to control though as it gets too intense it wants somehere to go there is so much pressure building up in parts of the body normally ends up outward as i get so horny i release to feel calm and at ease. i need to do some work to manage it.
I wake up somedays apreciating everything at peace and joyous and other days i wake up deepy wishing to die repeatly saying i wanna die in my head and i do feel like i am going lower and lower, the only way is up but i feel like im being brought down lower sometimes, i think there is apart of me that does not want to be in this life but in my own little world of never ending joy, my reality not this one which feels like a prison to me, i cry at the state of the world what is going on why am i in this place which seems so cruel why the fear and control.
I feel bad for living in the senses sometimes then i think thts all there is and start eating like an animal, using drugs and drinking, smoking to the point i feel like i can not control myself. i got some serious problems and i do not know wether im going higher or lower i seem to want to go both ways to escape, i seem to only want to hurt myself and save everyone else.
I was drawn to astrology and starrted reading mine and everthing made perfect sense it was like reading a book on my soul it was 100% everything im going through, reading it gave me intense energy feelings and made me cry.
This is me, like it is writen for me and no one else.
http://www.pathwaytoascension.com/a.../pisces.html |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Mar 27 2011 4:37:35 PM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2011 : 5:25:43 PM
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Dear Phil,
I do feel a great force of Bhakti from you (read what is bhakti on the lessons if you haven't). And this sounds like it is clearly kundalini at work (very familiar, the ups and downs of mood that come and go and change sometimes from day to day in strong ways). I really really recommend that you try deep meditation, and stick with it for a while. You can try AYP meditation or I also recommend if you prefer, taking a few minutes during the day, and just sitting observing the thoughts emotions and feelings that come up and letting them come and go.
I feel the energy smooths out in time, and it can happen gradually. A form of meditation can help it very much :)
Just a few thoughts :) |
Edited by - Yonatan on Mar 27 2011 5:27:30 PM |
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