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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 28 2010 : 5:09:35 PM
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hi my name is Phil im 24. Last year i had an experinace of kundilini rising in my body, i posted about it but since then i have gone through alot of changes and im trying to understand them...
The experiance happened on psychedelic drugs, i used them for the spirtual experiance they wowed me showed me things i could never imagine and they opened me to myself, the mind state i was in when the i felt the kundilini was that of pure love and appreciation for myself and life, i felt great my body felt great so i started to masterbate when i got out of the bath but i did it from a point of pure appreciation for my body and how wonderfull it was, what happened blew my mind but what blew my mind more was i could achieve the same state of bliss while not high on drugs.
What happened after is i remained high on bliss for about 3-4 days, i was in a state of constant loving bliss, i was walking around feeling like i was high on mdma but far beyond that feeling.
Well after that i had to know what was going on i had no idea to me it was a spirtual awakening of some sort one that i couldnt realy believe it was out of this world.
Since then i have been playing with the energies in my body which are intense and bissfull, it started strong in the heart, i could realy feel my heart emotion, i would tell myself how much i love me and my heart woud glow or any oving thought could do, these new energies made a massive difference in me, i would cry alot more and get emotional easy, i would feel peoples emotions and there whole vibration so much i couldnt be around a bad vibe it would rip through me.
There are so many changes i could list them all day the one thats confusing me is kinda weird lol
When i was in my bliss state i acted very much like a girl, very passive and emotional with expressions of a feminine nature the way i moved around and expressed my body was like a woman i felt like a woman, i remember looking at a flower and thinking how wonderfull it is and some curtains with a pretty pattern lol it was strange but blissfull so it did not really bother me.
After that i wanted to express myself with this new feeling of blissfull energy moving inside me and i did i found myself more loving and careing,way more emotional and intouch with myself. I also found im very sensitive now to people, bad or uncomforable vibes deeply pain me i have to get away i feel there vibration affect me, i also have become kinda empathic in that i can look into someones eyes and feel everything about there being, some peope are deeply sad inside and i can see it, anyone else feel this?
The part that confuses me is in this journey i have come to this point where now the energies have changed me so much that to feel the love i start acting like im a girl, in this mode i feel alive full of bliss and love waving around inside me, if i express myself by doing feminine movement, all the time telling myself im a beutiful girl i get massive rushes of energy flow up my spine and bliss shower on me, now i have no idea why this is i just go with what is going on in my body without my mind saying no this is not the way it is too gay or whatever, at first bein passive and sensual brought me there now it is being a girl completly feminine, im starting to wear girls clothes and express everything in a feminine way from the way i move my eyes and body, when im in this state my eyes light up, i have people tell me more then once how i look so happpy my eyes are glowing. This is awkward because im a man and im letting it show without meaning it, i went to a club the other week and had dozens of gay men come onto me, girls seem to just smile at me in a i feel you sort of way lol people question my sexuality, im attracted to woman and the feminine so much im turning into one!
it doesnt bother me but what does is how do i intigrate this into my life, if i want to feel in this state i have to express myself in a competly feminine nature, i even started to dislike the company of men and hang around woman because i feel more able to express.
I look at myself in the mirror into my eyes and i see a girl sometimes but im a man what is this? i dont know where it is leading but i might be a transexual in a year at this rate lol
Is it new energies opening up inside me? am i just expressing who i am without the blockage of social programming affecting me? i just want to understand more. thanks all.
When i posted about my experiance someone mentioned the dark night of the soul at the time i could not see it but i have been in deep dispair begging to be let go crying wanting not to be here no more, a sense of lonelyness seperation from bliss, im working through it at times i gave up comepletly just wanted to go, it is hard to go on in this state, i did not want the limitations of having to eat and take care of my body i lost all interest in simple things like eating, i have spent many a time praying to what i would consider my higher self begging to get me out of here why why am i here to suffer like this, it is work in progress but im begining to see the light at the end.
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Edited by - zeroman52 on Dec 28 2010 5:53:56 PM |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Dec 29 2010 : 6:05:53 PM
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Phil,
Your experience is very common. Your energy or spiritual being has the elements of both sexes and your unconscious self is the opposite sex (creating the balance). K experiences are a partnership of the divine that help you better connect to your other half. Your feelings are just the natural balancing of your being. Acceptance of your total self is the key. Go with it. Your unconscious self has the direct connection to the energy and divine. In the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus says that you need to bring the two together to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Namaste, Jeff |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Dec 29 2010 : 8:47:25 PM
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Hey zeroman,
you might not believe this but there's nothing particularly strange about what you've been experiencing.
Just keep your head up best you can and do what you gotta do.
Expressing the divine in the animal world is dirty business. But somebody's got to do it, so......
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mimirom
Czech Republic
368 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2011 : 5:42:59 PM
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Hi zeroman and a warm welcome to the forums 
I had a joyful time reading your post. Thank you for writing about that feminine world, it's been so long since I've been there for the last time 
Yea, I've had a period where my body and mind were full of the feminine, although not as much as yours, apparently. It's pure beauty... Well, now it's mostly gone, but sometimes I can glimpse it again during my tantric practices. I hope I'll be able to regain it one day in a more stable and integrated way.
So, enjoy! Isn't it a great gift to be able to experience it? It's been my dream since childhood, to be able to experience how it is to be a girl... 
Namaste
And yea, you might be possibly delighted by checking out these beautiful men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX7s9reTmQ0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewoDVPCLnt0
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2011 : 6:09:02 PM
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Hi Phil, I can hear what you're saying. I really think this is balancing, and that's great!!
Feel free to express your self, with whatever comes out!
Happy Journeys (:
Yonatan |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2011 : 6:44:08 PM
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Thanks for your words, i felt i knew all this anyway.
It is beautiful energy, i remember dripping in it i felt like my whole being was dancing the feminine it felt so loving so giving and joyfull, i spent alot of time hugging pillows i had to express love it was overwheleming in the heart, my whole perception of everything changed i see pure beauty in the simplest forms. giggles, prancing, dancing, i really do want to be a girl now lol it's my dream.
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gamefu
India
23 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2011 : 09:54:50 AM
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Is this a part of Kundalini raising? Is it sure to occur?
Or this 'Tantric Yoga' different from Kundalini?
What is this Tantric yoga for? How does it benefit us? |
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Phaedris
USA
21 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2011 : 10:10:20 PM
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Enlightenment means the end of karma. Perhaps you're resolving the karma of a past lifetime when you were embodied as a woman.
You're in the right place, you've found the right people, you have good information available to you. Now a big part of your path (and mine too) is to release the negative self-talk when these "crazy" things happen. They're just scenery, enjoy it - it will pass - and know that you are Loved.
If we are honest with ourselves, we know this is true. We are blessed.
Phaedris |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 15 2011 : 8:08:37 PM
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| Im stuck at where to go though, i can only arouse this feeling by expressing myself as a girl, i find mysef in two modes that i can switch on and off, one normal one blissfull girl, it excites the energy in my body so much it starts vibrating in the fingers and legs. I like it but it is so damn confusing as to why this is. |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2011 : 09:43:00 AM
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Surrender to it. It will integrate in time.
Namaste, Jeff |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2011 : 10:07:35 AM
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| I agree. There could be a number of reasons for it, but the answer is still the same - accept it, and see where it takes you. You may have been female in the past, and this is the first male life, or maybe you are both male or female, and this is feminine energy balancing the masculine that is already there. |
Edited by - Etherfish on Jan 16 2011 10:08:03 AM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 07:01:26 AM
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Thanks everyone, love you all. I feel this is an awakening which is quickning all over this planet a huge shift is coming, i have felt the change speed up over the last year new energies are coming in and being felt by those open to it, I feel one of these energies is a rising of the feminine aspect withen which will create a shift in the world and the masculine which has ruled this planet will be balanced out.
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 12:33:56 PM
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I need help my life is going down fast, i keep crying at things that just should not make me cry, im getting depressed to the point i want to die and when i relise i can not and im stuck here like this i get real angry, angry at why im here, i have broken apart the house and yesturday punched striaght through my bedroom wall. I have had enough i do not want this life but im forced to live it.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 12:48:21 PM
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Hi zeroman
(((((((HUG)))))))
Are you practicing AYP? If so, what is your daily practice routine?
Love!
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 12:51:04 PM
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| Much love to you dear Zeroman [img]icon_heart.gif[/img], you are in my samyama and prayers. |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:15:42 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by zeroman52
I need help my life is going down fast, i keep crying at things that just should not make me cry, im getting depressed to the point i want to die and when i relise i can not and im stuck here like this i get real angry, angry at why im here, i have broken apart the house and yesturday punched striaght through my bedroom wall. I have had enough i do not want this life but im forced to live it.
I feel for ya.. I had the same type of emotions for a while...I wrote about some of my experiences in suffering and how I dealt with them here: http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....&whichpage=2
Sometimes it helps to read/hear about others' experiences.
Deep suffering is not an uncommon type of experience when awakening. Trust that: who you really are cannot be harmed..you are dissolving/transmuting a lot of "karma" right now, but it will get better..The primary practice is deep meditation. I would suggest continuing with that twice per day. Present moment awareness practices are helpful for many..just try not to get down on yourself and tell yourself how things "should" be, i.e.. building ideological mental constructs...An attitude of acceptance and surrender are most helpful, in my experience.
Love to You
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Edited by - chas on Jan 28 2011 1:42:25 PM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:35:47 PM
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| Im not practicing anything, I came here after having experianced bliss the practices do intrige me but im finding it hard to cope to live right now i have no income my life is low and i can not find any motivation to carry on i struggle to change as much as i want too, i abuse drugs when i feel down now i havent got the money to do that im getting in a state. |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:40:57 PM
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| I feel better already reading such loving replys, thankyou all, sometimes i feel like this is one big catalyst pushing me forward to change. |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:43:15 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Ananda
Much love to you dear Zeroman [img]icon_heart.gif[/img], you are in my samyama and prayers.
Thankyou so much really touched me to read that. |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:49:33 PM
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I'm happy that you are feeling better "roll with the punches" as they say. I would suggest starting here in the practices: http://www.aypsite.org/10.html if you haven't already...read through the "key lessons" on the left side of the page to the lesson on deep meditation and maybe include spinal breathing as well, if you are so inclined. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of energy. These practices help to bring silence, peace, and stability into yourself in the midst of the energy .
LOVE |
Edited by - chas on Jan 28 2011 1:56:55 PM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 1:59:58 PM
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| Energy thats a word for what im experiancing, i have read about it all i just can not find the motivation to put it into practice buying food is a struggle i give up on everything. I feel so much energy pulsating inside me i have to shake and sometimes i imaging it is going out my feet into the ground i have to ejaculate a few times a week because the urge gets too much to release the energy it builds too much and gets frustrating after i feel awefull because i felt alive and blissfull before but the energy i cant handle it gets too much for me, i walk around feeling charged and blissfull but it feels like my hand is building pressure inside the energy feels like it is forcing its way out. |
Edited by - zeroman52 on Jan 28 2011 2:03:51 PM |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 2:15:41 PM
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Phil,
If you can find 10 (or so) minutes, twice per day to do the i am meditation, I think you might see improvement within a month, and perhaps sooner.. But give it a some time and effort. It is extremely powerful. You will be integrating silence and energy into your daily life. And then the rest of life will take care of itself...Or as Jesus said,
(from Matthew 6:24–33 (King James Version):
quote:
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
quote:
The "kingdom" is referring to what is inside of you, and what you are "seeking" during meditation - the core of your being. Just be regular with meditation every day, and it will present itself at the appropriate time.
Regarding food, you might try dumpster diving at supermarkets late at night, as they tend to throw out a lot of perfectly edible/packaged food..
I am praying for you as well..
With love |
Edited by - chas on Jan 28 2011 3:34:14 PM |
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zeroman52
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 3:39:27 PM
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| I feel like im being forced to change and the more i resist the more i get ****ed over with it, i know what i need to do and i need to get down and do it, i have looked so much into this and been captivated by it all yet have not put one bit of it to practice, I guess the change has to come and soon. |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 3:44:24 PM
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Dear Phil,
I really feel with you and I don't want to be too much of a hardcore advaitan especially since this is a tantric topic and this is the tantra forum but for you good sake I have to.
Please wake up my friend. You are not the body nor the senses nor your thoughts nor all this drama. Ask yourself to whom all of this is arising? You will always find the answer I. Ask who you are here and now.
Let go of the question and stay in this state of unknowing and surrender. Just be open and welcome, your body will relax the tension will start to get loose and you will start waking up little by little from the drama of life.
As for your feminine experiences, you remind me of Ramakrishna and Papaji who were both great bhaktas and great advaitans and they both wore feminine clothes and acted like women to attract the divine... But this is just another part of the play.
If you want serious change for yourself, only you can do it. People like myself and others can help the most by giving pointers like the ones I am going to share with you now:
The first one is, read the book "Awareness" by Anthony de Mello." You may find it for free on the internet if you google for it.
The second is that you are obviously experiencing some serious energy imbalance so reading and putting into practice what's in this lesson will help out tonz and the results will amaze you:
http://www.aypsite.org/69.html
Spinal breathing and deep meditation will help you out a lot in balancing between the female and male energies. And in case you're not doing any physical exercises I suggest you go deep into that. And I don't mean asanas here even though they may help, but I mean real physical exercises like getting really sweaty and walking a lot ect. And please stop playing with the energies inside your body, just ignore them and go out and be active. Be as much involved as you can in life.
As for advise on drug abuse, I think Carsonzi would help best in this area. Talk with him.
Dear Phil, you are a kind soul. Don't worry behind the clouds the sun is always there. God/Truth/Divine Mother call him/her by whatever name really cares. We are never alone. We just need a change of perspective to realize this and enjoy it. Ups and downs will always come and go, but it's your choice to identify with the drama or not to. Karma is already destined, just sit and watch your thoughts for a few minutes and you'll see that you have no control over them. They just come and go the way they like. Reaction from the body to them and the emotions that come up due to reacting to them are the result of conditioning... It's all automatic really, we have no choice in it but in turning inwards and being aware and just being present instead of getting caught up in them.
Free yourself from yourself.
Love,
Ananda
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 3:45:23 PM
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| We cross posted |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2011 : 3:58:28 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by zeroman52
I feel like im being forced to change and the more i resist the more i get ****ed over with it, i know what i need to do and i need to get down and do it, i have looked so much into this and been captivated by it all yet have not put one bit of it to practice, I guess the change has to come and soon.
Yes, resistance is a big part of the problem..You have to let go, or the energy will continue to have it's way with you. Your life will be fantastic soon if you just surrender to it and diligently practice meditation.
You said in another thread that you were interested in Crowley/sex magic. If you still are, i would suggest putting that stuff aside. At this point, it is only going to exacerbate your problems. You are out of balance energetically. You need meditation to bring balance. Your focus needs to be on acceptance, surrender, and meditation practice. |
Edited by - chas on Jan 28 2011 4:14:54 PM |
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