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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 20 2010 : 12:56:00 AM
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Hi all, I am the victim of bullying and victimization in the workplace. It last for approximately 3 1/2 years and basically put me on my ass. I've been struggling with the memories since I left the company 3 years ago. I've lost my 'lust for life' so to speak from it all.
I've been meditating for 3 years now, once per day for 20/30 mins using mantra and am wondering if there is anything in particular that I could use that would help me with my particular situation. I've been a regular visitor to this site since starting. thanks everybody for anything you have to contribute. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2010 : 5:02:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
Hi all, I am the victim of bullying and victimization in the workplace. It last for approximately 3 1/2 years and basically put me on my ass. I've been struggling with the memories since I left the company 3 years ago. I've lost my 'lust for life' so to speak from it all.
I've been meditating for 3 years now, once per day for 20/30 mins using mantra and am wondering if there is anything in particular that I could use that would help me with my particular situation. I've been a regular visitor to this site since starting. thanks everybody for anything you have to contribute.
Hi Max,
Welcome to the AYP forums.
You could remove yourself from that work situation if that is a possibility. Being a doormat is not a very pleasant feeling and is not required.
However, if you cannot remove yourself from where you work, use it as an opportunity to use the situation to get above/over the situation. I would suggest reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie. See if that helps you.
The fact that you have gone through 3 years of this, and have finally decided to stop being a victim and find a solution, is the first step toward a solution. Now just open and allow the universe to send you a solution. Don't be attached to a form of the solution, let the universe decide it for you.
Do you practice AYP deep meditation? http://www.aypsite.org/13.html
If not, give it a try. If yes, try to stick to 20 min for the ones sessions you are doing and add another session, so if you are currently doing a morning session, try to add a second evening session or vice versa. Meditation will increase your access to inner silence, and as your inner silence grows, the clarity toward finding solutions and/or using life situations to go beyond them will increase.
Hope this helps. |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Dec 21 2010 : 6:14:12 PM
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| It has affected me to such an extent that I often get suicidal thoughts |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Dec 21 2010 : 8:45:42 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
It has affected me to such an extent that I often get suicidal thoughts
Hi Max66,
Welcome to the AYP Forum.
Maybe check out http://livingunbound.net (a site inspired by, a developed directly from, results attained with AYP)
We have some lessons there that may help you dissolve the attachment to these memories that is causing you such suffering.
We have a saying at Living Unbound:
"Anything not now is just a thought now."
As troubling as these memories are, they are just memories - thoughts happening when they happen, in a given present moment. They have no inherent power or meaning now, other than the power we give them with the additional reactive thoughts, with which we evaluate the original thoughts.
All suffering comes from evaluation.
When troubling thoughts arise -- maybe turn your attention to something else for a little while -- and prove to yourself that you're not really at the mercy of your thoughts.
Being at the mercy of your thoughts is like letting a book you're reading write you --- it's upside down, and backwards (and I say this as someone who felt as though I was at the mercy of thoughts and emotions for most of my life, until a few years ago).
Thoughts are reactions in our body-mind; they don't actually have anything to do with who and what we are, now.
How can we know this?
Just notice: anything you can be aware of, is not you -- because you can be aware of it.
Thoughts and emotions are objects in our awareness; there's still the aspect of us that is ever undisturbed by the thoughts and emotions - the awareness itself that is experiencing these things (the peace of living in this awareness is the ultimate result of effective spiritual practices, such as AYP).
I hope this is useful.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman |
Edited by - Kirtanman on Dec 21 2010 8:46:08 PM |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Dec 21 2010 : 11:49:09 PM
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| Intentionally distracting myself from my thoughts is a neverending battle for me. I can try to do it but sooner or later I'll revert back, its just not something I can do continually. And especially when sleep deprivation kicks in, it's harder than ever. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 22 2010 : 08:35:32 AM
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Max,
If you think the situation has gone too far, it may be a good idea to get some professional help.
You have to see what is going on in your outer world from within. This will give you clarity on how to handle things and what the next step is.
As you continue with practice, you see all of this on your own, however in the beginning a professional can help you see it more clearly.
It will be very helpful if you get into a structured practice of twice a day of deep meditation and read the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie.
Also, there are laws against bullying in some countries: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workpl...egal_aspects http://www.bullyonline.org/action/legal.htm. (US is still working on these laws I think). You can take legal action against these people or at least threaten legal action. Read up on your rights. Talk to help groups (http://www.bullyonline.org/resources/groups.htm)... you can approach them anonymously if you want and they keep everything confidential. Talk to someone (lawyer, help group) and find out what actions can be taken. No one has to live through bullying. And bullies will only bully while it works, if you stand up to them with ammunition (like the law), they will back off.
Wish you all the best. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 22 2010 : 10:30:45 AM
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Hi Max,
I am sorry, I misread your first post, I thought you said you were being bullied for the past 3 and half years... but you said you were bullied for 3 and half years and have left the company 3 years back. Sorry, so my post above about taking action does not count, but I will leave it there for anyone else who may be actively going through bullying... it is good for people to know they have options.
Now back to your current situation. Yes, the suffering that we live through because of memories of the past can be hard to let go of.
So my advice above is still true:
"It may be a good idea to get some professional help.
You have to see what is going on in your outer world from within. This will give you clarity on how to handle things and what the next step is.
As you continue with practice, you see all of this on your own, however in the beginning a professional can help you see it more clearly.
It will be very helpful if you get into a structured practice of twice a day of deep meditation and read the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie." |
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Clear White Light
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Dec 22 2010 : 11:36:04 AM
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Hi Max,
It sounds to me like the effects of the bullying have been severely debilitating for you. If it is at all an option, I would consider seeking some sort of professional counseling. You could be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or something similar. |
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Chiron
Russia
397 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 12:06:40 AM
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Hi Max,
There are bullies in every workplace, and the higher the position occupied by a person the harder it is for them to remain humaine. But its up to you how you handle it, in other words, its your mindset and emotions that determine the outcome of the situation.
Think of it in terms of the law of Karma. In a simple way, we could say that you were bullied because that is how you treated others yourself before. Sure, it may not have happened in this life..
Do you believe in the soul? I think of it as something like a database, which we can change from life to life, and the less data in this database the closer we are to our true nature or spirit. Bullying someone would result in its pollution while getting bullied by someone would actually be cleansing it. So if this make sense to you then those bullies actually did you a favour! The suffering you have gone through is likely to have played a part in you coming to meditation and spiritual practice. They have brought you closer to your true nature and resulted in your growing in wisdom!
So whenever those bullies enter your mind, catch yourself on the thought and try to thank them, see if that works :)
Hope that didn't sound too cold or heartless. It was brave of you to share an emotional experience like that.
Suicide won't help, we have to resolve our faults and problems here and now, it won't get easier later.
Good luck! |
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 2:30:50 PM
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| Ditto the advice to get professional help. If you are at the point of having suicidal thoughts then you need outside help. Please don't wait. Call a mental heath center or your family doctor and get a counselor that you feel you have rapport with. Sometimes it takes more than one or two counselors before you find the right one. But make a start now. All the other advice is good but once you are at that low level it's sometimes too much to expect to be able to fix it yourself. Counseling will help you develop your inner strength while having some one to guide you. Good luck to you. Please let us know how things work out for you. |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 5:22:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
I am the victim of bullying and victimization in the workplace.... I've been struggling with the memories since I left the company 3 years ago.
Hi Max:
I feel for you man. Your story is not mine, but I can imagine what that would be like.
I have but one suggestion at this time. How about telling your story in the past tense? Make a shift from, "I am the victim of bullying" to "I was the victim of bullying."
Even if it seems a little strange to say it that way, to put the bullying in the past with your words, just give it a try. See how that feels.
Be |
Edited by - bewell on Dec 23 2010 5:25:11 PM |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 8:43:19 PM
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| @ bewell, is that for public consumption or private? |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 9:45:09 PM
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Hi @ Max66,
I intended it for you mainly, but not private. I hoped it might be helpful in the sense of encouraging you to put your victim experience in the past, and open the future to a different sense of who you are.
I get the feeling I made a mistake in my delivery or something. Maybe I came across as arrogant and condescending, or just as some kind of annoying grammar teacher. In any case, it sounds like you feel it was inappropriate for me to have written that in public.
I am very sorry, and I regret having done it.
@ bewell
PS. On further reflection, I think I may have been as much writing for "public consumption" as for you. I mean, I probably thought as much or more about how my words would appear to others, than about how they would impact you.
I feel another, deeper level of regret for what I wrote.
I am sorry. Please you forgive me. |
Edited by - bewell on Dec 23 2010 10:37:20 PM |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2010 : 12:05:19 PM
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Some thoughts on dealing with workplace harassmsnt.
I have a friend, a fifty something woman, who recently was fired from her job after over a year of what she considers harassmsnt. She is currently building a legal case that she was treated unjustly, that she did her job well, and that the real reason they fired her was that she was an older woman who took off work for extended cancer treatment and afterward had some facial disfigurement.
She and I meet weekly for meditation sits and have been doing so for more than a year now. I knew her when she was still working at the job and while she was being fired. Early on I learned that all I could do to be a friend to her was listen without judgment. At first I had lots of opinions and suggestions about how she might deal with the situation better, but that never seemed to be helpful. So I quit that. I just listened. Sometimes while I am listening, she refers back to my advice and explains why it does not apply to her, and I listen to that too.
And so it goes. |
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schtroumpsolis
Canada
24 Posts |
Posted - Dec 29 2010 : 7:37:55 PM
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hi max
i'll assume that your dealing with difficult memories ,stress of it.
when that kind of stuff happen , i breath out ,hold my lungs empty for few seconds and then breathe normally. pranayama is a formidable tool for stress. to breath out open the pressure valve to release stress, émotions and all. |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2011 : 08:06:50 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
Hi all, I am the victim of bullying and victimization in the workplace. It last for approximately 3 1/2 years and basically put me on my ass. I've been struggling with the memories since I left the company 3 years ago. I've lost my 'lust for life' so to speak from it all.
I've been meditating for 3 years now, once per day for 20/30 mins using mantra and am wondering if there is anything in particular that I could use that would help me with my particular situation. I've been a regular visitor to this site since starting. thanks everybody for anything you have to contribute.
Hi Max,
I have kept away from answering your post because it is difficult to work with someone without understanding the nature and the depth of their challenges both those they know about and those they don't.
Often the root cause is a long way from the event that caused the trauma. A bit like a slow burning ember sparking a fire several hours after it began to smoulder. The fire is obvious yet it's cause is far less visible and comparitively tiny.
Memories are just memories, it is only when we attach emotion to them that they take on a life of their own and begin to twist ongoing life experience.
A memory, or the experience should be used to learn what to do next time and that's all.
Because you mention suicidal thoughts then this requires an in depth face to face interview to establish what exactly you mean. In a way, lots of people have suicidal thoughts but few ever apply them on a practical level because the survival instinct is very high.
If "I'd be better off dead" is the key thought.
Then it should be investigated in line with Byron Katies work.
Is that really true?
Can I absolutely know it to be true?
How does that make me feel when I have that thought?
Who would I be without that thought?
Can you see any good reason to keep the thought?
Give 3 statements that are as true or truer than that thought.
It's clear that, unless you actually know that death would be preferable to life.......and then I gather that you would be able to tell us all what the afterlife is like .......then the answer to the first question has to be a solid No.
If it isn't then please share with the group exactly what death is all about. Everyone of us want to be in on that reply 
You can apply those questions to any negative thought that comes up.
As for removing the emotion attached to the memory there are several ways. However because I cannot know the underlying causes or your state of mind there is no way of knowing exactly what will work. Time Line Therapy is extremely effective so is EFT but you need to get hold of a therapist who you are comfortable working with. Many trauma victims such as soldiers have had succesful outcomes with these therapies.
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2011 : 11:03:05 PM
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Hi Karl, Bewell, Schroum,
I think it may be PTSB, a colleague was saying to me earlier that I exhibit some of the symptoms. I don't sleep very well and wake very early - this morning at 3am I woke up and could hear myself talking in my sleep - my partner says I do a lot of this. This morning I was talking as if I was back in the situation and was saying something to the guy who did it or one of the other work colleagues who were there when I came clean and told everyone what had been happening in there. It's those conversations with my work colleagues in the canteen in that final week or two (these were my friends) when I revealed the truth to them that seem to be repeating over and over in my head.
This morning for eg it was Mike I was thinking about.
quote:
Mike: you're a fair man anyway mate, I'll give you that
me: (smiling) ya I know, it was a long hard struggle
mike: you better watch you're back anyway because some of them are really out to get you now after this
me: I haven't really done anything out of the way to them, they were the ones out of line, I've just reported them that's all
mike: you were right to do so mate
me: and I settled a score with one or two who decided they wanted to do me harm.
mike: they're shocked at the truth, most of them. You should have spoken up earlier though mate.
me: the more he (victimizer) screwed me the more I could subsequently screw him
mike: you've finished his career anyway mate. There's no way he'll go any further after this. And nobody will hire him either now because the whole town is talking about him.
me: I've done something to restore my good name anyhow. he's a complete chancer. Its the people who promoted him that have something to answer for, not just him.
mike: fair played to you anyway mate.
I seem to be recalling the exact conversations I had with people in there, just like this. (with about 7/8 other people too, just when I was leaving in the canteen when I revealed the truth and devastated them). And this gets my adrenaline pumping and palms sweating like nothing.
Its interesting as well that as soon as I get my mind off the subject and focus on something else for a little while I start yawning and sleepy. I am clearly fatigued from lack of sleep. Only getting 5 hrs/night at most and sometimes none at all (maybe once a week).
The option of suicide I think really emerged from the actions of a friend of mine 10 years ago, who took his own life. If I hadn't experienced his suicide then I mightn't even be considering it now. |
Edited by - max66 on Jan 04 2011 11:41:19 PM |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2011 : 12:11:07 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
The option of suicide I think really emerged from the actions of a friend of mine 10 years ago, who took his own life. If I hadn't experienced his suicide then I mightn't even be considering it now.
Hi Max,
I am deeply moved as I reflect on all that you have written. As to your most recent words, please know that you are not alone -- many of us have thoughts of suicide. But honestly, let me tell you, I am not at all inclined at this time toward doing serious, permanent harm to my body, and I hope you will do NO HARM to your body.
Please understand when I say that we here on the AYP forum are not, I repeat, NOT in a position to be of help with assessment of suicide risk and suicide prevention. If you are still considering suicide, please share your concern with mental health professionals in your area and/or, if available, volunteers at a suicide help line (I called a suicide help line once during a terrible time in my life, and it was a help).
Please trust that you are not alone. We reading what you have said here do care deeply, but we also know our limits.
Be |
Edited by - bewell on Jan 05 2011 12:30:54 PM |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2011 : 9:33:31 PM
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I've been to see all those people and they weren't helpful.
When I tell my partner (who I just met last month) she has just been telling me to 'get over it', 'I think you really are just making too much of it'. I feel like nobody gives a sh*t and when they do they don't understand. |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 04:43:18 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
...nobody gives a sh*t and when they do they don't understand.
Max
I see truth in what you feeling: People are limited both in understanding and compassion. My question for you is, can you accept us, limitations and all.
Be |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 5:54:30 PM
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| The answer to your question bewell is no, I don't really think that it's worth putting up with whatever 'limitations' you are talking about, because at the end of the day, does life really make it worthwhile? There is nothing there really, is there, at the end of the day? It's all just a mirage. |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 10:45:46 AM
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As you say, it may be "a mirage", but even in a good video game, you can learn things.
Namaste, Jeff |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 12:21:06 PM
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Does life really make it worthwhile to put up with 'limitations'?
My answer is YES! Like Jeff said, "you can learn things."
I honor the light in you, Be |
Edited by - bewell on Jan 07 2011 12:34:19 PM |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 4:14:19 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by max66
There is nothing there really, is there, at the end of the day? It's all just a mirage.
Yes, but it's your mirage. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 5:19:55 PM
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Hi Max,
If you haven't already, you might want to check 3 resources as follows.
1. EFT (www.eftuniverse.com)- with free user manual
2. Read the book "How to forgive when you don't know how."
3. Check the website http://www.catherineblountfdn.org/ that is recommended in the book referred to above that may help you relate to your problem.
Your AYP practice seems unbalanced and this may be adding to the problems. Can you try 10-15 minutes twice a day as opposed to 20-30 once a day as given in http://www.aypsite.org/148.html .
I hope you will manage to find a way out and wish you the best.
Lili |
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max66
Australia
13 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2011 : 03:36:27 AM
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| It just keeps coming back again and again, I can't seem to be able to forget it. Somebody told me that I'll have to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about it and distract myself with something; point is nothing seems to distract me - when I go out somewhere or do something, whatever it is, the thing stays on my mind even while I'm occupied with something. I could be doing one thing and thinking about the experience at the same time. And it makes me anxious and depressed as a result. My sleep is poor as well, wake early and not long enough every night. |
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Bullying/victimization at work
