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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 28 2010 : 11:59:33 AM
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Hi brothers and sisters of the retreat,
I've been experiencing a lot of purification, after the first couple of days of ecstasy. I think other members might be going through similar experiences. The effects of the retreat promises to be long lasting and profound (tale bigger than torso). So, I bring this up just to call a bit awareness to this.
Yogani, by replying my question abt energy drainage, addresses this very issue of self-pacing and grounding after the retreat. I think it's meant to be read by all of us. So allow me to quote him here:
Yogani:
"When coming off a retreat, it is common to feel somewhat invincible with all that inner silence, and we might be tempted to jump back into activity with both feet, including doing some things we might have hesitated to do before. Nothing wrong with this. We can do more. But it is suggested to allow a few days for the results of a retreat to settle in, easing back into activity gradually, if possible. There can be a bit of tenderness there, and it will stabilize as we integrate new levels of inner silence into our daily activity.
In other words, always self-pace."
Shanti also advices:
":).. sleep as much as you can... this will help integrate the energy.
:)"
If there are more advice, please put them in.
So, ground well and enjoy riding the huge tale of the retreat!
Phil |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2010 : 12:51:50 PM
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Hey Phil 
Thanks for relaying this advice. I have nothing to add advice-wise, other than follow your intuition. My post-retreat ride has been smooth so far, but I can now sense when purification is moving towards the danger zone. And the spontaneous urge to engage in certain activities comes up, which I realize is for grounding purposes. For example, the urge to socialize, cravings for heavier foods, wanting to listen to heavy metal, etc.
Hope you're processing everything well. Enjoy the ride and keep that radiant smile going 
Love
cosmic |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 6:34:15 PM
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Hi Everyone 
I've just had something happen here that I suspect is MASSIVE purification, but it just seems so weird that I would really appreciate any and all advice.
About an hour and a half ago I started to feel a really strange pain on the right side of my body. It seemed related to the shoulder but I was having a REALLY hard time isolating where the pain was. It felt almost like angina but it was on the wrong side of the body to be that. It gradually started getting worse and I had Deanna try to help me stretch out my shoulder but that didn't seem to be helping. I was trying hard not to freak out, but for some reason this pain was not totally physical and I was having some weird emotional symptoms too. Really hard to isolate those as well though. After about an hour, I put Amrita to sleep and Deanna and I sat down for our afternoon meditation. I did 10 minutes of SBP and tried hard not to focus on the sensations/pain during the practice. But 4 minutes into DM I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was going absolutely nuts. The physical pain was from the stomach area all the way up to the throat and all down the right arm but it was totally not muscular pain, it was INSIDE the body, not a surface pain at all. Emotionally I was having a straight up panic attack...that was the stomach sensation. I also felt a strong need to cry...that was the throat sensation. I stopped DM right then and laid down, flat on my stomach on the bed. Deanna was just finishing her practice and I told her I felt like I was going nuts....like I needed to be in the mental hospital (and I really *did* feel that way). I asked her to massage around my right shoulder a bit and help me stretch it out a bit more....I really felt like the shoulder needed to be pushed into the bed and the arm needed to be pulled back while the arm was stretched out to the side. She rubbed, massaged and helped me stretch but the panic attack feeling was getting worse. Eventually I had her put my arm behind my back like how the arms are in "cow-face pose"....this broke me. I started uncontrollably sobbing....like a child whose dog just died (except that I had no reason to be crying). I sobbed for about 5 or so minutes and as I did, the physical pain and the panicky feelings started to subside. I laid there after I finished crying for another 5 or so minutes and then decided to start typing this post. This all happened about 20 minutes ago now. I would really appreciate any and all advice/feedback here as this experience was so foreign to me that I feel quite disoriented and unsure of how to deal with it. The physical pain is not totally gone, but I no longer feel like I am going crazy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Love!
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 7:15:48 PM
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I have no advice... just ((((HUG)))).
Just experience it, don't evaluate it.
Accept, open, allow. You did it all.
Beautiful!!!
Will open in stillness for you. _/\_
Thanks Deanna for being such a wonderful support. :)
PS: If you feel this pain again, may be good to get a physical done. No harm in getting things checked out ya know? |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 7:32:49 PM
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Hi Shanti
After writing the above post I started to feel the panic and pain coming back so I went and laid down for 30-45 minutes or so. Am feeling a fair bit better now. Should I cut way back on practices for a while? Is there a possibility that this has nothing to do with purification and I DO need to go for a physical exam?
Love!
P.S. Have been having a fair amount of release/purification happening in my dreams lately too (it's pretty obvious based on the content) so I am leaning towards this being purification and not a physical (only) problem, but again, any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated. It's just all very "sudden." |
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 7:58:41 PM
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Hi Carson,
I am in no position to say anything on what you are experiencing. But in my case, I did experience pains here and there, physical or not. And pains in my case is usually a prelude to clearing away obstructions and opening. I occasionally felt a painful dot in my heart area (totally different from the pain from the physical heart), and I occasionally had previous emotional patterns revisited on a much smaller scale, seeming like the farewell show of karmic patterns being made blank now.
I've been also constantly feeling prana working on the core of my head, once I stop grounding activities. I also had many dreams, too.
In my case, I cut off some of the practice time if feeling the energy was overwhelming. I hope this stage of your intense purification will pass by soon! I pray for a milder purification for you, brother!
Phil |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 8:53:33 PM
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Hey Carson,
In any situation like this, the mind-disturbance, in whatever form it takes (worry, fear, anxiety, panic, etc.) is the source of all (seemingly) related concern.
It sounds like, especially given the "straight up panic attack" component, that you basically did what you could to ride it / be with it, in the most harmonious possible way --- simply being with, and flowing with, what was, and is, happening (always the smoothest course, in any situation. : ) ).
It also sounds as though you may have some other low-to-mid grade anxiety stuff going on, which may be driving your sense of "maybe it's something physical".
Which isn't to say that it isn't something physical --- simply that mind tends to worry that it is something physical, during times of psycho-physical anxiety.
How to tell the difference?
Observe the body with awareness, not with thinking mind.
Drop the filter of worry and what-if, and just notice --- how body feels, what you seem to be drawn to do (as opposed to driven to do, by anxiety), etc.
If you need to go to the emergency room -- and/or if you need to make a doctor's appointment, I'd say that calm, present awareness will guide you in that direction much more effectively than the "Oh My God What If"-apalooza of Anxiety Mind will.
As I know you know.
Lovingly Put: sometimes the anxious sense of possibly having a major physical issue is a symptom of an anxiety surge/panic attack (believe me, I know - I did a lot of those, over the years ) -- and allowing simple presence to serve as the space in which the anxiety can dissipate helps to re-set the baseline of living from present awareness.
From that place (and, of course, with input, for instance, from Deanna) - any course of action should be much more intuitively clear, I'd guess.
Obviously, I can't diagnose from a distance, and technically/legally and pretty-much entirely am unqualified to diagnose anything at all - but - I'd say that the emotional and anxiety components may well indicate a purification-type release.
A physical issue would have likely shown up as "just physical" -- unless the anxiety and emotions were directly and overtly tied to the physical discomfort ("Oh My God, what if I'm dying?!" type of thing --- which you said was not the case, yes?).
quote:
It's just all very "sudden."
It can always seem that way.
A wave on the ocean, blowing East is subsequently blown North, and says:
It's just all very "sudden."
Presence is peace.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 9:06:28 PM
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Hi Kirtanman,
What you said is VERY enlightening! I's like a strong wind that blew the mind fog away. Wholeheartedly enjoy reading it. I think that Carson is benefiting from it, too. I myself pretty much made the purification more wavy and abrupt that it should be, too.
"Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuation of chitta."
You are my Kirtan, man!
Phil |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 10:27:30 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Philaboston
You are my Kirtan, man!
Phil
And you are mine, Phil --- that's how it works!
("We" are here as the One, experiencing itself, as and through each other.)
Plus, I can still see you taking the chants, and grooving on the Name, during last Saturday night's kirtan --- nothing is more gratifying to your friendly-neighborhood Kirtanman , than seeing a new "Kirtanista" take flight ...! So glad you In-Joyed!
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 10:54:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Hi Shanti
After writing the above post I started to feel the panic and pain coming back so I went and laid down for 30-45 minutes or so. Am feeling a fair bit better now. Should I cut way back on practices for a while? Is there a possibility that this has nothing to do with purification and I DO need to go for a physical exam?
Love!
P.S. Have been having a fair amount of release/purification happening in my dreams lately too (it's pretty obvious based on the content) so I am leaning towards this being purification and not a physical (only) problem, but again, any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated. It's just all very "sudden."
Yes, cutting back on practices may be a good idea for a bit. We got a whopping dose of stillness and energy over the past weekend... it may have brought up some deep purification. Being with it will help, but grounding and cutting back on practices is not a bad idea.
I too feel it's purification based, intuition tells me it's soma related... gassiness can cause a feeling of anxiety and pain. One way to figure this is to see if it increases after eating. Sometimes it subsides after eating foods like bread/rice. However, if this lingers on, it wont hurt to get it checked.
Hope this passes soon. |
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innercall
Canada
66 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 12:16:40 AM
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Hi Carson,
I have experienced a similar kind of pain mixed with anxiety several times in the past. It was a pain going from the solar plexus thru the heart and throat and sometime in the right arm. I remember a particular time, after doing my first mediation group it was so strong I tought I was doing an angina crisis or an heart attack. In my case it was linked to over-purification and deep blocage and it passed after self pacing.
I hope it will pass soon
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Parallax
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 07:01:29 AM
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Hey Carson,
Thinking about you brother; no advice other than what's already been given (maybe some long walks outside for grounding)...but you will be in my prayers. I had a bit of physical feeling pain/purification from last weekend, some pain in the heart area, and the minty/tingling feelings intensified into what felt more like a a burning sensation for a little while (the Altoids version of minty-ness), but nothing too uncomfortable.
It must be great having Deanna there for support, you are blessed!!
Love to You my Man |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 07:33:21 AM
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Hi Carson
Thanks for bringing this up - all kinds of levels of purifications will happen after a retreat, and sometimes it can be a bit much no matter how much we "know" that it is all in the mind. We actually and factually are where we are at all times - that means the state of consciousness we are actually in is what we are experiencing and can operate from - not where we mentally know we should be. It is the acceptance of this that will lead to further relaxation and therefore release and opening. Your sharing describes it perfectly. Then the inner guru will shine through (as it did for you when you stopped DM and lay down etc)
As Shanti said - all you did is good. Stay with it (also the panicky feeling) - allow everything to be the way it is (lovely that you are with Deanna - it makes such a difference to have that support).
From my own experience from previous retreats and a lot of purification over the years I can add this - it always helped here:
Go out in nature. Walk for a good while - without your dogs this time. Be present to everything you lay eyes on - including your body. If it rains it rains.
At some point - find a big tree. Hug it and silently and gently connect with it. Stand or sit with your back towards it. Relax yourself into the stemb of the tree. Breathe normally and simply let yourself be supported like that for however long you feel like. Excess energy and/or blocks will dissolve with the help of this tree grounding you.
If ok with you, you are in my Samyama from now on.
All is well.
It is so lovely to read of everybodys sharings after the retreat. Every one of you are perfect direct examples of the core message of AYP:
The Guru Is In You
Much love - and be gentle towards yourself 
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 3:42:58 PM
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Hey Everyone, thanks for all the advice/comments/prayers/samayama, I feel truly blessed to have a support group like you all for when the $hit hits the fan. Thank you.
I only have a few moments to respond as the kids will be arriving begging for candy in a few hours and I have a few errands to run and a pumpkin to carve before that happens. Just wanted to touch base here and let you all know that I am ok. I may elaborate more later when I have more time.
@Kirtanman: The anxiety was 90% (at least) physical. There wasn't a lot of mind disturbance there other then the brief moment of "Am I actually dying?? I FEEL like I'm dying. Am I?" which gave way to a witnessing and a surrendering, but did not make the physical pain subside at all. The main "in the mind" moments where caused by thoughts about the sudden onset of this "episode." I went from pure bliss feelings (which I was riding going into the retreat and continued to ride for almost a week now out of the retreat) to feeling like I am dying in the matter of about an hour. The most disconcerting part was being unable to locate a specific place where the pain was. This still kinda baffles me and I am just choosing to let go of trying to figure it out. Usually for me, when there is physical pain, it is usually quite easy to locate where in the body the pain is, and usually know a cause for it as well (aka my arm hurts because I just snapped it trying to land a 15 foot drop on my skateboard  ). This was certainly not the case this time. I couldn't isolate where it hurt, nor could I isolate a reason for the pain. The mind certainly did want to spin over this. That is gone now though, so...
@Shanti: After writing my last post here yesterday, Deanna, Amrita and myself went to a Halloween dinner party. On the drive there I was still having a fair amount of pain and I had to put my arm behind the passenger seat and stretch out the pectoral area by pushing my shoulder as far forward as I could. There was some automatic yoga movements and some spontaneous pranayam happening, but by the time we arrived at our destination I was feeling a bit better. Then we ate some chicken and spaghetti and I had a beer. By the time dinner was over I was feeling back to normal.
@Innercall: Sounds VERY similar. On the car ride over to the dinner party I was finally able to locate some of the pain sensations in the body. The reason it was so difficult to locate them before was because they were in the chakras, not so much in the body (at least by the time we were in the car and driving). I could feel something in the solar plexus that was painful, I could definitely feel some constriction in the heart, and there was the ever-present "lump in the throat" right up until dinner time. I am trying to pace myself (which is REALLY hard when having to teach classes [had to teach one this morning]) but this is always difficult for me as the bhakti is very strong and the love for the practices is at the center of my being. This morning (before teaching the class) I chose to do 10 minutes of breath watching instead of pranayam, and then did 10 minutes of DM, followed by 30 minutes of resting. I felt ok afterwards and I felt a lot better after teaching the class.
@Katrine: Yes, I am ever grateful for having Deanna here to support me. She is a blessing I often take for granted. It's funny too...her advice to me was the same as yours....go hug a tree. I don't give her nearly the credit she deserves. I am truly blessed to have her as my Life partner/wife/friend/mother of our child. It is more then okay for you to have me in your samyama if you are willing to do so. It is greatly appreciated here. Right now, having come out the other side of this episode (and out the other side of last nights insane dreams, which are obviously more purification and deep release happening) I am a bit on the "down" side. I have obviously been hanging out on the mountain-top for a while now and it is time for some balancing "valley walking." I am surprisingly okay with this though, and am actually happy to be Here. The mountain-top seems a bit "noisier" and the valley is very quiet and serene (as long as I don't attach to wanting to be back on the mountain-top). I feel very quiet, very calm, and a lot less "manic" right now. For every up there is a down. I am just happy to be Here.
Thank you everyone for all the support....I love you each like a Brother/Sister. _/\_
Love!
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BuddhiHermit
United Kingdom
84 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 4:28:06 PM
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Hi Carlson,
You may get some pain relief by having your partner apply strong acupressure on your right Teres Major. Just near & under the armpit.
I can send a picture if you like.
It sounds like major loss is clearing, and I would support innercall's comments.
Namaste |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 6:18:39 PM
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Hi BuddhiHermit....welcome to the AYP forums (not sure if I have welcomed you yet, if I have, please forgive my forgetfulness....it comes with the territory )
The pain is now gone. Haven't had it show up since about 6pm (MST) last night. But it showed up out of nowhere yesterday so who knows if it will be back again or not. I would love it if you would send me a picture of the acupressure point via email.
It FEELS like major loss is clearing....not sure what loss that would be, but it feels that way. And everything is kinda pointing at that as well. Just going to make sure I'm kind to myself right now and take things easy. A pleasure to have you here at the forums. Looking forward to hearing more from you soon.
Love!
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 8:36:00 PM
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Carson,
My dear, dear brother - a very big hug to you.
So glad you're feeling better - by the way, you're too young to be having angina/heart attack
Can't offer much in the way of advice. However, I've been having a dull ache in my chest as well, since the
retreat. Particularly during practices. I'm actually elated - since I never felt anything at all before this
Sending you my love in silence
Kami |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 9:30:55 PM
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Hi Kami
Thank you for the hug.... as you may remember, I LOVE hugs! So, here's one back. (((((((HUG)))))))
Here's to a smooth and ecstatic heart opening for you 
Love!
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 11:46:48 PM
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Hi Carson, happy to hear that you are well now. I had a spontaneous heart opening after feeling heart pain on and off. So heart pain might be a prelude to heart opening, I guess. Let's hug our hearts open!
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 12:17:33 AM
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Rohini
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 09:21:01 AM
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I am so happy to have found all of you. As you are aware of my cough situation during the retreat, it was not that bad at the retreat but after I returned home it has become worse. I have been coughing my gut off with intense pain in my throat. From some earlier posts that I have read, it is a part of throat chakra purification. I had been to the doctor and he gave me cough syrup to sleep as there was no infection of any sort. Sadly the cough syrup too isn't providing me enough sleep :( I think the walk with Carson on the last day helped me a lot in opening up some of my deep memories. Carson, my bro, I cannot thank you enough for listening to me. My cough hasn't yet reduced but I have cut down on chin pump and spinal bhastrika. Any advice?
With lots of love and hugs..
Rohini
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 09:24:34 AM
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Hi Devi (aka Rohini )
My only advice is what I said to you in private email....let the words flow as they need to. I love you _/\_
Love!
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Rohini
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 09:30:24 AM
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Love you too Carson........have been following your advice and will continue to...... people around me are getting worried with my coughing :(
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!!
love and ((((((hugs)))))
Rohini |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 09:34:58 AM
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You could always cut down on your practices (even more then you have) and see if that helps things pass quicker. You could try droping down to just a minute or two of SBP and 5-10 minutes of DM and LOTS of rest...see if that helps. You could also try a few heart and throat opening asanas and see if that helps or not. Listen to your intution....it knows what is best.
Love!
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amoux
United Kingdom
266 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 09:37:45 AM
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Hi Carson
Sounds like a big heart expansion to me. I was intrigued by your post because just a couple of weeks ago I had the same rightside chest/back pain - and it preceded a beautiful shift.
Sending you a big virtual hug from sunny Scotland |
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Rohini
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2010 : 10:03:49 AM
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The word "rest" and "Rohini" don't go together  but I will try.
On a lighter note:
Vow Of Silence
An aspiring monk wanted to find a Guru. He went to an monastery and his preceptor told him: "You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak to me once every 12 years".
After practicing silence and meditation for 12 long years, finally the student could say his one thing, and : "The bed is too hard."
After another 12 years of hard silent meditation, he had the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work passed. His words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing is complaining."
L&L
Rohini |
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Deal with post-retreat purification
