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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 24 2009 : 10:19:32 PM
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Hey guys
I wanted to express an issue I have been having. I really have a hard time putting it to words, but I will try.
I have been getting the feeling lately - especially because people I have confided to have told me, that I think 10X more than the average person. I have always felt since the youngest age that I have an overactive mind. I overanalyze things and have an impossible time "just letting go" or "blanking out". I have been doing yoga for almost 2 years and I see phases in my practice. It seems to go in a cycle where I start trying because I get frustrated that I don't experience the great bliss and ecstacy of people on this forum. I start trying harder in my practice, and especially betwen practices I practice constant mindfulness. This seems to have an opposite effect where I actually get MORE thoughts seemingly because I am paying attention, or I am trying to not have thoughts. If I try to just observe them I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I now analyze every single thing I do, judge every single action I take, and feel like my head is going to explode.
So the answer? I know, "surrender", "just be", blah blah blah...
But it doesn't work. I feel like I have gotten to a point where I can never go back to just being unconcious the whole day between practices. I am constantly trying to achieve states of peace in my mind. I tried doing more earthly things...but it doesn't seem like the universe wants that for me. I dont have the motivation and have a very hard time with people and things in this world. I feel like all i want is this "bliss" and "ecstacy" everyone talks about. I feel like I should be able to confidently say that I accomplished one of the two in 2 years of practice. All I can say for myself is that I am many times more concious of my behavoir and thoughts...but now I am being driven crazy because I analyze them! Let me give you an example:
My brain: "Oh Anthony, don't eat that blueberry muffin, it will fill your stomach and then you'll be duller in the mind and you wont get to experience kundalini! Oh Anthony, maybe you shouldn't listen to the radio in the car so you can practice being alone with your mind. No, maybe I should put in on the ground myself...oh, but I don't know maybe that's not gonna lead to inner silence. Oh, but I'm wrong in both cases, I should just be. Let's try that...eh, not working, now I'm thinking about an argument I had yesterday. Better amp up my meditation. Hmm, I wonder why CarsonZi is experience tremendous bliss and seems enlightened already when he's only been practicing AYP for 6 months. Is it because he's done so many psychadelics? Maybe I should try them again...no, maybe not. Hm, I forgot to surrender...maybe I should just observe my thoughts like Eckart Tolle says...but that always makes me think too much. Maybe I shouldn't care anymore and just give up. But it will be fake, I know I can't pretend not to care...Maybe I should do a retreat..."
And on and on and on...
I don't know if anyone on here knows what I mean when I say that I hate my brain and it feels like it is creating a 4-foot thick wall between me and the world. I remember my experiences on LSD and how vivid the world was without my brain dulling me out to it. It makes me so sad to know that my life is limited and I feel I am missing out on every single aspect of life because I can't get my mind to shut up. It leads me back to a Nihilistic way of thinking where I just think "oh well, life sucks for me anyway. no point in trying"
Sorry if this post is a downer...but I'm distraught that after nearly 2 years of practice that I still feel incredibly unenlightened and nuerotic.
I would go so far as to say that I am more stuck in my head moreso then anyone I have ever met in my entire life. And no one has ever been able to give me advice that I can actually use. Like i said "just letting go" "just dont think about it" doesnt work. |
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 02:37:31 AM
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Hi Anthony!
Don't worry...I have the same "overactive" brain, or mind...
I also have been told "just to beeee"...
How can someone just "be" if he has not reached silence inside yet.
Another thing: being aware of our thoughts/emotions etc... doesn't mean "analysing or observing them". Because analysing means using the mind to watch the mind. The result will be of course an exhausting feeling of constant control or concentration, and yes, it's hell!!
This is not the solution.
What you can do is try to find moments in your life where suddenly, your mind seems to be less active or eventually stops. Those rare moments surely exist. When you laugh, the moment you fall into sleep, in a deep moment of love etc...
one thing I love to do, apart from my practices, is: gazing at the sun, in the afternoon, when the light is not too intense for the eyes.
Just find a place in nature if possible, and gaze at the sun for as long as it feels comfortable; give him love, just feel it's a blessing to have this sun, this source of light that warms us and gives life. And by and by, you will feel this same sun starts giving love to you, a huge love, and it just cleanses your mind, washing away everything..
Just try it once..
One more thing: comparing your experience during practices to the experience of others is the best thing to get frustrated and angry at yourself. Each one of us is unique.But the same truth and Divine seed exists in each one of us. So, when you read about CarsonZi or whoever experiences, just feel happy for them, or feel nothing...
Know that sooner or later, you will share YOUR experience with others. Be patient.
Be total in whatever you do each moment: each action that you do, washing your teeth, eating, ... don't do it mechanically: become IT.
When you breathe, in meditation or any other practice, become the breath.
Live it fully. When you eat, just become the taste.Become the tongue. Enjoy each mouthful. When each moment is lived with such intensity, by and by, the overractive mind that was used to comment on everything will become less and less overwhelming.
Whenever you can, have a walk in nature, sit under a tree, or simply hug a big tree, for about 15 minutes, close your eyes, and receive its energy. Believe me, you will notice that you have become almost mind free.. this is meditation.
I hope this will help.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 03:36:28 AM
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Anthony my friend, I feel for you....
I don't really know what to say other then you probably have built up in your mind what you think I am, or have, experienced....and others too I'm sure. My case may seem drastic, but that's because I came to AYP from a very very dark place and things DID change drastically for me. But that will not be the case for everyone and you shouldn't judge your journey based on what someone else is writing. You were never a heroin/methamphetamine addict, and probably never got anywhere close to as low as I got I'm sure. (maybe I am wrong but I hope not) And because I have been used to living in some pretty dark, S@#$ty times, it is much easier to see the difference AYP is making in my life. To someone who comes to AYP from a background of meditation, or a background of positive spiritual desire, the changes might not seem so drastic to them or you. Please don't judge your progress based on what you read of others' journey's on the forum...it's not fair to yourself nor to the other forumites. We are all different....our karmic obstructions are different, our ambitions are different, our motivation is different, our lives are all totally different.....so to judge your progress based on how someone else's progress appears to you is really not fair. You owe it to yourself to enjoy this transformation no matter what route it takes or how long it takes. I feel bad for posting so much and perhaps making others feel like I am progressing faster then them....this is not the case I assure you....I am as far from the "goal" as any newbie OR veteran out there. We all must walk our own paths so be fair to yourself and let it happen as it should...looking for "what others have" will only hinder you in the long run. Be happy with the progress you have made not the progress you haven't made yet. It is happening as it should. Best of luck my brother.
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Jan 25 2009 05:24:27 AM |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 05:56:33 AM
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I think everyone experiences the same sort of issues in every form of learning and practise. It's difficult to measure progress from the point we start to learn a skill and doubly hard with something that we cannot show to other people to receive praise.
Where meditation differs from every other skill is that you can only imagine the goal based on other peoples descriptions and you have, haven't you? know real idea of how soon you will attain it right, now you might be wondering just what it will feel like as your beginning to feel those new sensations happening, or even quicker than that as your un conscious begins to easily and effortlessly make all the changes it needs to, as you practise, becoming easier and that is why doing it this way is so much better and it's exactly right to have thoughts, because your un conscious knows exactly which way is the best way for you and what will be the right amount of time needed to attain it. 
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 06:09:40 AM
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Oh, jeez, Anthony! Thank you for that post! It's not a downer, it's pure recognition here! I was actually thinking this morning "I wonder if this is just an overload phase, or if it is possible to do this journey backwards - becoming more and more shallow and mindy as time goes by?"
I have all my life cursed my brain and since I was 16 I have asked for a rapid medical and technological development so that brain transplants could be performed! 
What helps me in these extremely mindy periods is NOT suggestions like "Just BE" etc etc. To hell with that advaita stuff in those moments! Instead I start telling myself this:
- Rembember that as long as I do my practices (no matter how shallow and fake they feel) stillness is ALWAYS working behind the scenes on cleaning this system!
- Remember that everything changes, no matter how "stuck" it may feel, it's impossible to stay that way for ever! It IS just a phase!
- If I can write a post in forum and describe how my thoughts look, then... I MUST have been aware of them when they happened! I KNOW intellectually that I AM that awareness, so good - it's working fine, all systems go!
- Play with the thoughts to discover how the machine works - Choose one thought and then use the buttons play, pause, rewind, fast forward, repeat, adding Donald Duck voice, adding female sensual voice, adding dark voice from heaven, play in slow motion, rap version, opera version etc etc It's pretty funny! Always brings laughter! Always brings the knowing - Oh, the thought is an object I can do what I want with! Some examples:
- Oh Anthony, don't eat that blueberry muffin, she said with her eyes filled with laughter. She continued with a beautiful smile:
- It will fill your stomach, and she touched her stomach with a sensual movement. He didn't know if he would listen to her or keep staring at her stomach, he hardly heard the next part of the sentence:
- ...and then you'll be duller in the mind... He didn't know which was worse in that sense - the muffin or her stomach... She shouted to get his attention back, and started to dance around, spinning in a circle and then she suddenly stopped and looked him straight in the eyes, and said seriously:
- ...and you wont get to experience kundalini! She cracked up in a smile and he was bewildered by her beauty!
- - -
- Oh Anthony, ... the dark male voice with an Indian accent seemed to come from nowhere. He turned around and saw noone.
- Doooon't eat that blueberry muffin! It sounded like Osho or some indian guru was talking to him from inside his head! He sensed it was important to listen... The voice continued with the same kind of firmness that teachers use when they are to lecture their students properly: ...it will fill your stomach and then you'll be duller in the mind and you wont get to experience kundalini! That was it! If an indian guru had the mercy to come and teach him, he would NOT eat that muffin! No chance!
Repeating is very useful:
Oh Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. Don't eat, eat, eat, eat that blueberry muffin muff muff muff muff muff muffin in in in, it will fill your stomach and then you'll be duller er er er er er in the mind and you wont get to experience kun kun kun kun dadadadadadadaliniiiiiiiiii i i i i i kundalini kun kun kun dadadada....
It gives the mind a little distance to itself! This is particularly good when the thought is negative and causes distress. Ridicule the thought in this way, and you are the winner! |
Edited by - emc on Jan 25 2009 07:20:36 AM |
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 06:23:49 AM
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Hi Anthony!
Great post!
quote:
I start trying harder in my practice, and especially betwen practices I practice constant mindfulness. This seems to have an opposite effect where I actually get MORE thoughts seemingly because I am paying attention, or I am trying to not have thoughts. If I try to just observe them I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I now analyze every single thing I do, judge every single action I take, and feel like my head is going to explode.
I know what you mean. I don't want you to go back in your brain. I have the same problem as you and that's when I started to read about "surrendering", "letting go" and "accepting the moment". I could understand the "accepting the present moment as it is" and so I practiced that. It worked. It is not overnight, it is a constant practice, but, as with everything, it is just a matter of practice and you will get better at it with time. This is different from being mindfull as you are doing because you are using your mind to pay TOO MUCH attention to the present moment, and the mind simply cannot take the whole present moment in itself. Now, if that makes you think and overanalyse even more I suggest you drop it. You are just making things worse. In your case (and I did the same) when you find yourself analysing your own thoughts ("oh Anthony, here you go again thinking about your own thoughts") maybe just try to smile and recognise that you are doing it but DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL IT AT ALL. Accepting is that, accepting what is, EXACTLY AS IT IS. But because you "want" bliss and ecstasy, etc. you are always resisting things as they are. The best way to achieve what you want is not to care about them at all. It is a paradox but the more you are immersed in the present moment, EXACTLY AS IT IS, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT IS NOT SO GREAT, the more chances you can get there. I guess you read Tolle's, that helped me a lot and I could see what he said to be true - there is not really a past or future, ONLY the present moment. You only evolve if you accept what it is as it is. It takes courage but I know you have it my friend. But don't forget - the present moment may very well be to digress in the mind and think about the past or the future or overanalyse things in one's mind. So be it. Accept it.
Well, if all this fails, don't sweat it! Relax, keep on meditating without or with minimum expectations. You have a strong desire but in your case is betraying your own efforts. Don't expect anything. Here is a little technique from Tolle that I found very very useful to get out of my mind. It is subtle but it works, at least on me.
Have you ever felt your insides? A tingling in the hand? A warmth in your tummy, etc? Well, when you caught yourself thinking too much go back to your body, pay attention in one of those feelings, it does not matter which. Effortlessly feel the subtle vibration in your body. This takes you out of your mind into your body. And there is an innate organic inteligence and wisdom in your body, different from your mind. Your body does not wonder, it knows. So, just be there for a little while. You'll see you'll find yourself relaxing. This, as well, takes practice, but it is well worth practicing in my opinion. It helped me a lot in many occasions.
My friend, all the very very best. Keep as posted.
YIL |
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Shredder
USA
34 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 08:33:10 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by anthony574
Hey guys
I would go so far as to say that I am more stuck in my head moreso then anyone I have ever met in my entire life. And no one has ever been able to give me advice that I can actually use. Like i said "just letting go" "just dont think about it" doesnt work.
Hi Anthony! If you are "stuck in your head" why not work on your body? You aren't all head, you have legs, fingers, toes and all this is Anthony not just head. When you are physically tired from exercise your body needs rest. As a part of your body your mind may need rest as well. Can you get out and walk, hike, bike,or go to a gym and exercise? In AYP it is called "grounding", I think it is simple balance. Hey, when you have a weighty object over your head and are struggling with it, you definitely are thinking about meditation practice are you? I feel so much better when I work my body, and it helps my mind as a side benefit. If you can do some physical work it may help. Also we are in this world, even if it is all an illusion this is where we are. Perhaps you could be a larger part of this world, volunteer, join a social club, take up a non related hobby, expand your experience in this world. This could provide a balance to the mindy stuff. One more thing, many people have the blah's in the winter due to lack of sunlight, is this possible for you? If so proper lighting and vitamin D might help. Anyway, these are things you may consider. Best of luck....shredder |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 08:56:53 AM
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I know what you are talking about Anthony.. I have one too.. overly overactive mind. It used to be way worse before meditation.. seems to have calmed down a bit.. but like emc.. I still go through phases when my mind is so very active.. that I have actually told my mind "shut up, enuf, leave me alone".
I have noticed this is more prevalent when there is excess purification going on. One thing that definitely helps calm the mind is diet. Watching what you eat.. the more heating the food.. the more active the mind. The more junk food and salt and meat in your diet.. the more the mind goes into overdrive.
There was something I had thought of telling you in one of your earlier posts.. but forgot.. so will tell you now. When you feel an overload of thoughts in your head.. bring your awareness down to your heart area or move to the navel area.. and keep thinking.. but think from there. See if that helps. |
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foralways
Sweden
19 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 09:23:00 AM
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anthony, i totally feel what you are writing. its like some of it could have been my own words...
and i do not have an answer, but just the feeling that we are all in this together. battling the mind (which in my opinion is constantly affected by so many things around us, programmed.. we being very far in our lifestyles from nature and all).
i had some break through moments when going out dancing last week... being really into the music, i could actually notice my thoughts come flying in... " you look ridiculous..." and suddenly i understood the concept of not minding thoughts, to let them go.
because this one thought can set of a whole stream of other thoughts...
"he is looking at me... yes i do look ridiculous.. am i feeling the music?? noo i am thinking you moron, if you think you cannot feel the music... feel the music.. feel the music..." and there i go, can be stuck in that sort of circle for quite a while. a few days, sometimes. when i with the mind try to command my mind to stop thinking. the mind explaining to the mind what to do. and the mind trying to understand, but i think it is a pointless circle.
a healthy body sends out healthy thoughts, happy thoughts, and maybe then the thought which come shooting through my head would be something like "you are wonderful". i dont know, not in that state... (the healthy body, healthy thoughts is from a book of ayurveda... really intresting knowledge there)
loosing my point, i think. my breakthrough with the music was that observing the thought (which i am able to, thanks to AYP) "you look ridiculous" and then observing how my mind got set of by that, making new thoughts that i believe where more controlled by me... i could focus on the music again, first it felt a bit like forcing the thought, but as i was listening to the tunes, the beat, the different instruments... suddenly i was not thinking at all. feeling. and like the wander life is, my body spoke that language far better than me.. it feels good to move. opening my eyes and seeing everyone move around me, to the same sounds, was just beautiful.
focusing on the moment is the key, i think. however, with music to focus back on it was quite obvious how this works.
in life, i find it much more difficult. especially if i am inside, in the car alone... like u said, alone with the mind.
i think about that meditation is supposed to make you ready for life, for action... do you give yourself enough action? action for me is nature, the sea, going dancing, conversation with people you can be open with your thoughts with, playing with children, eating a good meal, cooking a good meal, writing a book. the latest point has helped me alot, i tr to be brutally honest and follow my thoughts as they drift of the subject. it is very interesting, indeed. and the mind certainly needs loads and years of practice.
we are living in a society that is in many ways telling us what progress is, how to live, what is good. it is hard to break free from. how are your surroundings affecting you? i dont know if this should matter (should.. who is making the rules .. hehe) but i am noticing this in my life. i have feel very badly affected by people who do not understand my search, and the community not understanding my struggle, when i am at low points.
which i have been all this weekend, and now i notice how great it is to let it all out and to see this beautiful forum with so many great people. like yourself, anthony.
life is something huge.
reading about buddhism, reading dalai lama, reading philosophy also helps when i start "getting used to" the world and stop being amazed by it.
hm, some of my thoughts. i know that i dont know :)
godessinside... that is just a beautiful reminder for me. hugging a tree.. genius. we have to remember how small we are, just a small part of something. it is such a great gift to appreciate. i used to pet the grass... felt like i was petting life. thank you for sharing that.
carzonzi, i have a question for you... read somewhere that u smoke ganja. how is that affecting your practices. and is it? speaking of using substances etc. and good post, comparison is what is making huge parts of the world unhappy. interesting which part of the world as well..
emc, that really made me laugh!! haha, such a great way of unarming thoughts and breaking a circle once it starts. love!
yoga is life... . good tip about the feeling your body, i started right away. my tea is so good, thank you for making me aware of that. i love how i can follow the warmth all way down in my chest. thank you for making me aware of that!
thank you anthony, for posting this. you all seem to be such warm persons, and that is just the reminders and realization i needed to end this weekends merry-go-round of harmfull and frightened thoughts of the world we live in and the fears in many people that i meet. somehow there was something in each of these posts that helped me alot, and it just makes me so happy. we are all connected somehow, and the good and the loving also spreads. you all certainly influenced me today. maybe i will be able to spread this on this afternoon... its like a domino :) and loving and caring, is the best feeling. i realize this today, even though i spent the last 2 days in my room, hiding from the world. now its time to go out again... because hiding must be the same as surrending to fear.
the sun is up, it is beautiful, i have hands, feet, and the greatness of life is all there. i know that i dont know. we are all connected.
love! |
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 09:23:04 AM
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I agree with Shanti: diet is essential! every kind of food and the way it's prepared directly affects our bodymind.
Body and mind are not separate things. The mind is a subtler extension of our body. They both influence eachother.
Physical activity is a must. The more you exhaust your body, the less the mind is involved in hyperthinking...
I personnally gave a try to Osho dynamic meditation http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...324224559004 which is based ont this: exhaust your body totally, breathe in and out as fast and intensively as you can (this is the first stage of the technique), so your mind has literally no more energy left!
Then, it becomes easier to enter into deep silence and watch (not analize!!) what you feel inside.
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 09:46:29 AM
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| Yes, Diet is important. In my case I am the Vata type, very slim, tall and hyperactive in general, a lot of chaotic energy bouncing around. I have noticed recently (through advice) that, when too worried and assaulted by irrational fears, it helps to eat more, to eat heavy, as I tend to eat very healthy, light and vegetarian. That too can leave you too "airy". |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 09:57:20 AM
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Hi foralways,
quote:
Originally posted by foralways
carzonzi, i have a question for you... read somewhere that u smoke ganja. how is that affecting your practices. and is it? speaking of using substances etc. and good post, comparison is what is making huge parts of the world unhappy. interesting which part of the world as well.
Yes I used to be "chronic" but I quit smoking ganja on Jan 10th this year. I found that it was dulling down the internal energies and I have to be much more prudent with the self-pacing as I can hit internal energy overload very easily now.
Love,
Carson |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 10:06:02 AM
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That's funny Shanti that you tell your mind to shut up. I do that too and thought i was the only one.
My mind is evil too. When I'm in a very dangerous situation, like working on hot 480 volts, high on a lift with busses driving within inches of my lift below, my mind will say something like "You're going to have an accident!" I tell it "Shut up, I am not!" and say it with such conviction that i know i'm right. And of course I never have the "accident". Before meditation those things were too stressful and i almost quit my job. But I love it. I think my mind doesn't like the idea that I overrule it so often, so it has become evil. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 10:07:37 AM
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| Ha ha Carson; "chronic"! |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 11:03:18 AM
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Yes, it's also good to come back to the body, as several has suggested!
When we FEEL we don't have to think. We may think also and label what we feel, but coming back to the feeling is a good practice to calm the mind. We can't feel in the past or the future but only in the Now. Feeling feet and hands or the breath in our nostrils or stomach is good.
DANCE is also good, and laughter. We can't think when we laugh either. See lots of good movies!
AND... if there's any comfort for you to hear this: I have been reporting on lots of scenery and energy experiences here in forum over these last three years... but I promise you, Anthony... I haven't got a CLUE what ecstacy or bliss is!!! I wouldn't know if any of my experiences or sensations would equal what is meant by that in these AYP writings!!! I'm still waiting for that huge super duper wow'ie sensations, and the waiting will eventually exhaust my mind... I hope! |
Edited by - emc on Jan 25 2009 11:06:23 AM |
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 11:15:07 AM
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Hi foralways,
quote:
yoga is life... . good tip about the feeling your body, i started right away. my tea is so good, thank you for making me aware of that. i love how i can follow the warmth all way down in my chest. thank you for making me aware of that!
glad I helped you appreciate your tea more
yes, it is a good little technique and has helped me a lot in times. The feeling of our feet, or a leg, or anything really (below the neck preferably), immeaditely grounds us, it's all back to the body, back to the body, auomatically away from the "airy-fairy" mind. Tolle talks about it briefly in The Power of Now but it seems most people oversee it. Tolle is not big in techniques but this one he did mention and it is very interesting.
All the very best! |
Edited by - YogaIsLife on Jan 25 2009 11:18:05 AM |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 11:41:53 AM
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The post by EMC is very relevant. There is a little book, "Reframing" by Richard Bandler and John Grinder that teaches that technique. They are the founders of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and NLP is very powerful. I have tried what EMC said, and it not only works, but it is fun!
Another suggestion Anthony, is about "being in the now". First of all, quit caffeine or at least cut down because it interferes, more with some people than others. With me it makes a HUGE difference, but i have a hard time staying away from it.
The technique for being in the now, is force yourself to think mostly thoughts about sensory input in the moment. Ask yourself "What color is that, how much light is there, is it warm in here, look at the movement of that plant, what is that taste, smell, texture, etc. All questions relating to sensory input. It is the abstract thought that is maddening, thinking about things that are not here and now.
Also, don't worry about bliss or other experiences. The first effect for someone like you (and me) is relaxation, peace, lack of stress. Those is so much easier to achieve than special experiences. And once you get those, the feeling is incredible, and you feel like you really don't need anything else. I get other "scenery" once in a while, and it's great in the moment, but i quickly forget, but the peace is lasting and valuable. When you say meditation, i assume you mean AYP, twice a day,
because that technique for me was pivotal. never mind all the other fancy techniques, I only do deep meditation and spinal breathing, and it is enough.
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 1:17:21 PM
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Everyone, thank you so much for your warm and helpful posts.
Last night I was up until 3am being self-destructive, crying, and reading old journals. I realized how depressed I have always been and that all throughout my practice I was trying to deny that it exists. Last night I committed spiritual suicide and decided that I am going back to my attitude of feeling like a tragic cosmic mishap. I layed comatose in bed for hours and hours just not caring anymore and taking comfort knowing that one day I will die anyway. This way of thinking feels sad, but strangely comfortable because I don't really expect anything anymore. And I notice that I am not longer fighting my mind, I am just letting it have it's way.
I feel unmotivated to do any physical exercise or eat. I feel like just existing as a phantom.
This morning I meditated, but did not do AYP. I just sat and focused on my breath for over an hour. I felt like I never wanted to come out and that maybe I can occupy every free hour of my day like this and erase my mental hard-drive.
What do you think of that attitude? Just not caring anymore. It is definately the result of deep nuerosis, but I cannot keep fighting who I am and pretending to be Mr. Yoga. All I can do now I feel is just seek peace. Not happiness...just peace. |
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 1:42:02 PM
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To me this is a sign of great progress. Of course it doesn't seem like it, but you're finally confronting what was lurking under the surface. Without doing that there will never be peace for you. But you're finally confronting the shadows...this is sadhana!
If you haven't already, check out the book After the Ecstasy, The Laundry by Jack Kornfield. Not essential but it's a good book to read.
I hope the best for you, man. Maybe take a break. We can't reach our goals of inner peace overnight. We may catch great glimpses but we always have to come back to this world and deal with ourselves. Above all, please don't let it drag you down so much that it ruins your life. This is YOUR life, so make of it what you want it to be. Do you want to be miserable and wishing all the time for peace, or do you want to focus on more important things? Anyway, much love, and good luck. |
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 2:09:11 PM
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| I totally agree with Scott. Nothing to add. Just be as comfortable as you can be. |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 2:27:10 PM
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| Hi Anthony, I agree with Scott. The fact that you can confront what is deeply in you is already a result of practice. This is a letting go, so go through it as you are, let the confrontation happen. It's not necessary to make any conclusions about it. It will pass like everything does. If you want to cry, cry, it's a release. You'll feel better again. I've also been through such phases of desperation and just not wanting to do anything more, but it was all purification and bhakti. Because this is ultimately bhakti, the crying for more, a great wanting. All these emotions have great energy in them and if there is intention, a longing to just release and let go, then all this will be rechanneled and used for purification. In the practices and also outside them. If mind wants to think, let it. If you feel desperation, perfect. If you don't want to expect anything, great. It's all fine .. it's not resisting oneself ... that's peace :) |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 3:35:53 PM
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Agree with Scott and YIL and Tadeas.
This is the best sign of progress there is Anthony. When you get tired of you mind and feel defeated. Yogani had once told me, when I was in such a space.. "feeling defeated is not bad.. you know what comes after defeat? Surrender".
Take a break Anthony if that feels like what you need now. There is no need to be a Yogi.. a yogi is a concept anyway.. just take it easy for a bit. |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 6:39:09 PM
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I'm suprised that you all see my mindset as a sign of progress. I felt an undertone that even though I was reliving my old attitudes, somehow I know that it is STILL in the interest of seeking, even if it is to stop doing so.
Shanti, great quote, thanks for that.
I have found one time about a year ago I was going through a very frustrating phase with AYP and I took up Buddhist style meditation in place of it and it felt like a relief. I have a hard time doing AYP without associating it with what I should feel and what people on the forums experience. When I just focus on my breath I can safely say that I am trying to clear my head and its nice a simple. It is scary to do something outside of AYP, though...so very attached to it.
Thanks everyone for your advice. It means so much to me to know that I have friends who I can open up to.
:-) |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 9:26:17 PM
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sometime we think too much and feel too little, try this
go stand up next to a wall, rest your forehead on it, now move your head back six inches and forward seven inches, repeatedly do this again and again till thinking stops and feeling starts.
yes I made a joke of it,however brother I can relate to what you have written.
my heart goes out to you brother, for you are me
brother Neil
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2009 : 10:13:11 PM
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yes, being "attached" to AYP and afraid of something different is not good. If you do these practices with expectations, it will hold you back big time. If you could do the daily practices but get involved with the rest of your life, so it is like brushing your teeth with no reason other than routine, it will be better for you. Just hold that desire for peace.
And watching your breathing like you were doing is very good in between practices too. You can watch everything you do without any judgement or reason. Just observe. It's good stuff. |
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Goddessinside
158 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2009 : 12:59:09 AM
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Hi again Anthony...
Sometimes, we choose to follow a certain way of life, to practice some techniques, eat certain food, etc..
Why we do that? Simply because, deep inside, a voice tells us "I am here to be happy..the life I'm living is not enough..my nature is to be a joyful being".
And we go on trying this or that path, full of hope and expectations..
But life is a movement, it's in a constant change..
If our practices become a hindrance, and we feel tired and we need a break..why should we feel guilty or fearful that we are doing something bad? We are simply showing WE ARE ALIVE!! We are free to choose! We are new every moment!
Those moments of doubts, of surrender, use them as a great opportunity to watch how your body feels, notice where there is tension or where tension has disappeared.. your breath, your heart..
Meditation is not sitting in a particular posture and repeating a mantra during 20 minutes!! Meditation is in every moment, in every silence between two words..
And yes, know that every thing that has a beginning has an end!
Life is big joke..
All the animals and trees around us don't seem to have our problems!
They are simply tuned to Life energy.. of course they are not conscious, but they are connected to the Source.
That's why, in those moments of "down", if you can just find a quiet place, a tree, the sun.. just include it in your life..
Maybe you will find I am childish or stupid, but it happened to me, when I went through a similar dark phase, to simply watch nature, insects, small ants: after a few seconds, I was like a child! I was amazed to see the wisdom that sustains those bugs!
Every being is perfect the way he is..
Just acceptance and love..that's all we need.
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Edited by - Goddessinside on Jan 26 2009 02:10:02 AM |
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Anthony vs. His Brain
