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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 02:44:07 AM
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Hi All:
This is a very sad, traumatic day for me today. My dog passed away a couple of hours ago, due to a heart condition.
I keep blaming myself for it, even though I was told by the vet he was going to eventually die from it, I think I hastened the process. Last night I gave him a fatty meal, and he started gasping for air afterwards. I wish I could go back in time, and not feed him that meal. I keep thinking he would survived longer, if I hadn't have done that.
He died in my arms this morning. I'm so sad. Words cannot convey it. We are going to bury him tonight in the backyard. He was such a good dog, and when I was holding him in my arms, as his lifeforce was leaving, I saw him look up at me, and he tried to come back, for me. I was in a state of panic and shock though. Not being calm and peaceful, LIke I would have preferred.
I can't shake this feeling of being responsible for him passing away earlier than he should have cos of that meal last night.
Any words of help much appreciated
I said a prayer for him, and hope he is in a better place. He was such a great dog, I will miss him terribly. I can't meditate right now. He is still here in the house with me, so I think his energy is still here too. I just can't stop blaming myself though. Watching him pass away, and being on my own when it happened, has really traumatised me.
I had taken him to the vet and the vet gave him 2 injections. ten minutes later, as we got home, my dog died as we got into the house.
I miss him already! :-(
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Mykal K
Germany
267 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 03:22:43 AM
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Hey SparklingDiamond,
I am sorry that your dog died. But please don't waste time on being guilty. Just try to feel your dog, and to communicate with him in spirit all that you need to. Comfort him in the transition, and try to listen if there is something he has to communicate to you.
Kind regards,
Mykal K |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 03:27:36 AM
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It was his time, don't blame yourself. May he rest in peace by the grace of God |
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apatride
New Caledonia
94 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 03:48:11 AM
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| I have a dog I love very much and I already know it will be very hard time saying him goodbye. Can't say anymore than Mykal K and Ananda. I'm very sorry for your loss and wish strength and courage. |
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Swan
India
256 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 04:11:13 AM
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(((big hug)))
I know the pain.
I would say do not overanalyze on what could have happened or not. Be gracious and remember the nice moments you had together. Dwelling too much on the last day may make him also upset if he is still around. |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 05:38:20 AM
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Thank you. I keep blaming myself. This is v difficult and a lesson in the temporal state of life on all levels.
I just wish for him to be in peace and happy. He was sooo peaceful passing away. I thought he would be distressed, choking from the fluid that had accumulated in his lungs. But it was like watching the lifeforce slowly extracting itself back to Source.
he was part of our family. I am sooo sad. and HOPE I didnt cut his life shorter. Not sure how to work through the guilt and blame just yet.
thank you all and namaste
Maria |
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 12:59:37 PM
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SparklingDiamond your love for your dog is so inspiring.
I noticed Yogani follows Divine Mother on Twitter and now I enjoy her tweets plus what she does on her site.
A half an hour ago she tweeted:
"There is too much self criticism. Love yourself. I can't have you damaging your health in this way."
No doubt your beloved dog feels the same way. |
Edited by - BillinL.A. on Apr 02 2013 1:00:40 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 1:07:25 PM
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Hi SD (((( ))))
Don't go into a blame mode, it really is violence against self. You really wont achieve much going that way. After you drop that story, look at what you feel and be with it.
Here is something I had written a while back to a friend....
quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
...am with you.
And as you have already experienced and already know.. this is a part of what is.. and life lets you decide how you want to be with it.. discover the part that is not effected by all the sorrow and pain and external turmoil and needs to find a reason and needs to explain... the part that is the stillness.. the awareness.. the silence.
Be hollow.. and feel the emptiness that is outside and inside you.. when you do.. nothing can stick.. its flows right through.. let that emptiness expand and be your whole world.
Watch the watcher.
May silence be with you..
PS: this Adya clip may help Loss of the Buddha DOG
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Victor
USA
910 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 2:55:20 PM
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| Diamond, I feel your grief. There is nothing more devoted than a good dog. It is like part of you. Just remember that you are grieving for yourself because you will miss your companion. let yourself feel it and go through the process. Death itself is not really scary. It is inevitable. Everything that is born dies, it is the natural process. It is not death that is tragic but suffering. Death is a release. Just feel your feelings and go through your grieving process, but don't worry about your dog, he has been released from his duties and suffering. |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 3:06:53 PM
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Hi M,
(((HUG)))
May your friend rest in peace, as he surely will.
Isn't he an integral part of you? Look inside, and see - only his physical form is gone. Yes, that will be missed. But the ones we have loved and held - where can they possibly go in life or death? Is there any way to separate his energy that was shared with you? Love will live on, even when the form is no more.
Honor his life at this time. Relive your memories of him.. And realize how fortunate you are to have shared his last moments..
And no. Nobody can hasten the death of another, just as nobody can give life to another. It is all part of the divine plan. We are merely instruments through which Divine will works.
Love and hugs to you. |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 6:15:07 PM
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Thank you Everyone!
I am in lots of emotional pain. It's earlyhours of the morning, and I cannot sleep. We buried him last night. I keep reliving his last moments, and wishing I had not panicked so much. It feels as though a part of me died
As he was dying in my arms, he made one last valiant effort to look at me, and I felt like a mother watching her child dying, and not being able to do anything at all to save hin,
I want to erase from my mind what happpened. If he had died at the vets instead, it would have been better, at least for me. But I think maybe my dog Milo wantd to die at home
This shows me how MUCH work I still have to do on myself
the vet had told me in january to prepare myself, I guess i only prepared myself on the mental level, but had no idea how i was going to cope when his body was wracked with lack of oxygen, and he continued to weaken, and there was nothing i could do
He didnt cry in pain, or suffering during those last five minutes or so of his life. I would like to think he had a peaceful, painless death,but I can't be sure. As I held him up against me, I felt his tiny heartbeat grow weaker and weaker
But something strange was that as he was dying, I felt this strange feeling of being frightened. Like I couldnt hold him any longer, as he was dying, I laid him down, and his breathing was v shallow, and then he convulsed for about 5 seconds or so. I don't understand this incredible feeling of fear as he was dying, almost as though I was afraid of him????
Can anyone shed light on this Please????
Namaste to all.
Maria |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 6:22:07 PM
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Shanti
I am deep in the mist of grief. :(
My head hurts from crying, my teeth even hurting, I think i been clenching my teeth from stress.
I keep thinking of the things I could have done
I could have given him something different for dinner instead of the food with canola oil in it. I could have tried to keep him cooler, but didnt realize how hot he was, so many thing keep reverberating around my mind. I don't know how to stop it!
Any other sugggestions please?
I miss him v much, and kind of wish, that someone was with my dog and I as he passed away. I felt so lost and so alone. It's hard to beleive how one moment a person, or an animal can be with us, and the next completely gone somewhere else
And I wish I knew where he was right now, if he is still here with us, his energy, and he wondering right now what the heck is going on :)
So many unanswered questions. Why does life have to be like that.
Namaste Shanti
Maria |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 7:21:58 PM
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((((Hug)))) my dear Maria!
Like Kami said, nobody can hasten the death of another. Even if you had not given him that meal, he would have moved on last night. It was his time to go. And in his death, he is trying to show you something. If you allow your thoughts and guilt and grief to take over, you won't see what is being shown to you.
Think of it this way, at least he had a scrumptious last meal. He (and you) was lucky to be by your side, in your arms before he moved on. Think of all the beautiful moments you did have with him. Think of how upset he would be right now seeing you so upset (my dog gets really upset when I am upset). And where can he go, even if he has left his physical body, he is still so much a part of you.
When we grieve so much and hold on to them, it is hard for them to move on. Let him move on Maria. Don't be selfish, send him love and show him that you can let him go... you appreciate all the wonderful moments you had with him and thank him for his love.
Lots of loving hugs your way my dear!
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DoctorWho
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 8:42:17 PM
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So, so sorry SparklingDiamond. I know you are suffering and my heart goes out to you. I went through something similar a few years back...
I had a cat...about 5 years old. i would occasionally let her out at night...mostly because she wouldn't shut up haha. I did so even knowing that coyotes were known to be in the area here in the desert of Arizona where I live. Sure enough, 4am I heard a loud thump against my bedroom wall from outside. Woke up instansly...knew something was wrong. The coyote must have heard me come through the gate because she was trotting away looking back over her shoulder at me...and there was my little Luci lying there. *I actually felt sadness for the coyote first because I knew she was just doing her thing and probably trying to feed her pups* But I instantly scooped up my cat and brought her in. No blood. The coyote must have just grabbed her in her jaws and punctured her lungs. She couldn't breathe but just looked around with mouth open and fearful eyes. My wife was emotional, trying to call an emergency vet. Even though I was trembling with adrenaline and sadness...I remained as quiet as I could knowing this was probably it and and whispering 'Om Mani Peme Hum' into her ear as soothingly as I could. Thankfully, within a minute or two she was gone.
The next couple of days were hard...and mainly for this reason: I just wished I could have better soothed her fear and suffering. Not even so much that she died, but the overwhelming desire... and yet inability...to relieve her suffering really wracked me with grief.
You were there for your beloved friend. Do not blame yourself. When our karma is up, it is time. There was no mistake on your part...just as I cannot ultimately blame myself for my dear cat. Causes and conditions...that is all.
Any merit, grace or virtue I may receive from my practice this evening is yours. Hang in there. The only way out of it is to go through it. Wide awake. Grieve fully.
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2013 : 12:28:10 AM
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Thanks Shanti and DoctorWho
DoctorWho
I am haunted by his last moments, and my complete and utter panic, instead of sending him good wishes and on his way, I wanted to bring him back, save him, stop what was happening. I was irrational :(
I am haunted by the look he gave when I was holding him, he looked like an innocent child, like he was saying Goodbye to me, but also like he was seeing me for the first time. its like he came back to consciousness for that small whisper in time, just to see me again. And he started breathing again, and I thought he would be ok, but it was not to be
I am disgusted by my actions, of not being able to hold onto him once he turned into a 'ragdoll'. I felt sooo afraid, I had to put him down on to the carpet. As I did this, he breathed shallow for a few seconds, then the convulsing happened
I have much to process yet, thank you for your kind kind words.
Shanti
How would I even know when he has 'transitioned'???
My dog was not like your dog, When I was sad or unhappy he didnt really register it, but maybe he did on his own level, I dont know. I just realized that we have had him in our lives since 2002.
Blessed be Milo Forever!!
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Edited by - SparklingDiamond on Apr 03 2013 12:56:40 AM |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 12:47:31 AM
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My son and I did a healing meditation last night.
It made a huge difference! Was like a soothing, healing balm was placed over an open wound.
The guilt/regret is still there, but at least, I can still meditate
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 01:21:42 AM
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Dear SparklingDiamond,
<big hug>. You have my deepest sympathy. I have had numerous beloved pets die in my arms including a dog, a horse, 3 rats, several snakes and geckos. I also lost 2 cats to coyotes. Like you, I agonized over whether I could have done something differently - "maybe I shouldn't have let her go outside!," etc. But ultimately we do not have power over life and death.
It is never easy to say goodbye to a loved one, but "all our times shall come" (Blue Oyster Cult) and we must let them go when it is their time. You gave him a good life and he knew he was loved. You were there with him at the end, comforting him.
Re: the last meal, no doubt he enjoyed it very much, and having worked in the medical field for 20 years, I can say with some confidence that a single fatty meal will not kill anyone. Heart conditions develop over time and when the heart finally gives up, it doesn't matter what you are eating at that moment. Some even suggest that our heart is programmed with a certain finite number of beats and when they're used up, that's it.
In any case, it was his time to go, and you MUST stop blaming yourself. The guilt is pointless, hurtful to yourself, and not helping him. He is free now, ready to move on to the next phase of his own journey. Keep meditating and rest in the Love that is there.
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 07:37:17 AM
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Thank you for sharing Rhadarani!! Your words are v soothing.
I know that right after that meal, he was kinda having a hard time breathing for about 2o seconds or so, but then he seemed ok after that. It is all too late now, for me to wish i had paid more attention to what i was feeding him that night. The thing was he had been getting much better. I was making him home cooked meals, exercising him more regularly, which was contributing towards his wellness
so that one error in time, feeding him an oily meal, and i may have hastened his death. I am re reading your words that one fatty meal will not kill anyone, but i guess my reasoning is that he already had a heart problem, congestive heart failure, so that meal may have tipped him over the edge?
I know when i woke up the next morning, he was sitting upright outside, which he NEVER does. He is always inside when I wake up. he was too hot inside. He had to keep his head up, because of the build up of fluid, mkaing it difficult for him to breathe.
I also had heard of the heart having a certain number of programmed heart beats, and when they are used it thats it.
When I held him in my arms as he was passing, I felt his tiny tiny heartbeat against my chest, before it finally gave out. It was bittersweet to feel his weak heartbeat.
Thank you again Rhadarani for your comforting words. |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 6:21:56 PM
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No, my dear, the delicious final meal did NOT kill him. If it were possible, many angry wives could have dispatched their husbands in that manner. 
What a comfort it must have been to him, being held to your heart as he took his last breath!
Glad I was able to help. Like I said, I've been there - too many times. <hug>
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 7:42:07 PM
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Thank you! Thank you! Rhadarani, I was so hoping you would respond again!
When my first dog died, at six months, I couldn't get out of bed,I was so overwhelmed with the grief
When we finally got another dog, seven years later, i felt like with this dog Milo, i didnt fully open my heart to him. Because the pain of losing my other dog was soooo overwhelming, I couldnt face it again. I put my heart and soul into my very first dog. So I never fully opened up to Milo, the dog that just past. I did love him v much, but I still think i could have been a better pet owner. I will never never get another dog again. There is much care and responsibility,and the pain of losing them is soooo difficult.
I feel like my baby has been taken from me. :(
Anyway, the griefing process is well under way, the shock, the denial, the guilt, the anger, the self recriminations. Why does life have to be sooo hard?!!
Watching Milo die, life suddenly became soooo sooo real!! :(
I have never ever ever seen or witnessed an animal or person die, only after they have died.
This completely shook me up, but if it helped milo if its the way he wanted it, for me to be with him, then I am happy
Thank you again Rhadarani. In my pain, i am more committed to meditation. It always seemed for me, more than religion, or anything else in this life, the only way out of suffering.
Namaste
Maria
P.S. Thank you for lightning the load, and making me LAUGH OUT LOUD at your comment "No, my dear, the delicious final meal did NOT kill him. If it were possible, many angry wives could have dispatched their husbands in that manner. "
Still giggling at that one!! :)
With love,
Maria
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Edited by - SparklingDiamond on Apr 04 2013 7:44:59 PM |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 8:17:19 PM
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Rhadarani
wanted to run something by you, cos I know you are in the medical field
I called the vet yesterday and he said 'it's possible the oil from that meal may have gotten in his lungs, but unlikely' :( |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2013 : 9:57:41 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by SparklingDiamond
Rhadarani
wanted to run something by you, cos I know you are in the medical field
I called the vet yesterday and he said 'it's possible the oil from that meal may have gotten in his lungs, but unlikely' :(
Normally that only happens with a thin liquid. When we are close to death, our swallowing reflex deteriorates so that it is possible to aspirate liquids into our lungs. However, this does NOT cause immediate demise. Rather, the liquid (or oil?) would sit in the lungs for a few days and grow bacteria and cause pneumonia, which could eventually kill you if the pneumonia was not cured. But even if he had somehow managed to aspirate a little oil at the meal, it would not have made his heart stop. Doesn't work that way.
Nope, give it up. The meal did NOT kill your beloved doggie.
BUT - if in fact he was already to the point where he was having trouble swallowing, that means he was very close to the end anyway. (Happened to my mother.) It only goes downhill from there, with much suffering. He was better off checking out when he did, in your arms, spared any further torment. With people, the hospital will usually try to stick a tube down their throat for force-feeding, which is bad because the body, including the digestion, is trying to shut down so the soul can be released. Fortunately Mom had a Living Will to prevent this. And fortunately for your doggie, vets don't usually insist on a tube to prolong their suffering. |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 05 2013 : 10:48:47 PM
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Hi Rhadarani
His lungs were filled with fluid, that is what the Vet told me that day when I took him to be checked, and his heart was erratic.
So I think he drowned in his own fluid, because the heart wasn't working properly.
But I don't get it. He didn't struggle, he didn't cough/choke, no yelping or crying, when he died. And usually he would cough/choke for a short time, and then he would be ok, when he was alive I mean,, to clear the fluid from his lungs.
but when he was dying, it was like he just went to sleep and his body went completely limp, without any struggle.
I guess he gave up the struggle, he had no more energy left to hold himself up anymore, and so the fluid built up and he could no longer get enough oxygen.
If an animal or person is drowning/drowns to death, do they not struggle, choke, splutter, cough??? I don't get it.
not even a whimper
God, i'm suffering so much with this. Its heartbreaking!
Last night, bfre I fell asleep, I thought I heard his tiny feet on the floorboards.
I wish I had kept up with regular meditation, I wouldn't be suffering/hurting so much and would be more accepting of what has happened.
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Apr 06 2013 : 3:08:04 PM
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Dear Diamond,
Yes, that is classic congestive heart failure (completely unrelated to his last meal), a slow process that happens over time until the fluid becomes so much that it can't be cleared by coughing. From what I have heard, drowning is not the worst way to go. You wonder why he did not struggle. Breathing had become so difficult that he didn't have the energy to cough or struggle, and besides, he probably knew it was his time to go. He was tired of the struggle; it was a relief to let go! He felt safe in your arms, which made his transition easier. Would you have wanted him to go on living when every breath was a painful struggle?
You know in the Lord of The Rings (or maybe it was The Silmarillion?) one of the elves, who are immortal and grow weary of the world, said, "Death is the GIFT of Illuvatar (God) to men," and to animals as well. When the burden of our existence becomes too great and our body suffers too much, our soul is released. How wonderful is that?!
I would not be surprised if you heard his feet on the floorboards. He knows you are having trouble letting him go. He probably wants to reassure you that he is ok. I have had visits from many of my deceased pets, especially in dreams, and sometimes in waking. As a little girl I saw the spirit of my grandmother's dog, Flip, at her house. When my mother was dying, I clearly saw the spirit of her beloved cat, Miss Kitty, walking into the room to escort her Home. And the other night I dreamed of my pet rattie Rupert and felt his little nose and whiskers on my cheek. So, you may well get visits from time to time.
Losing somebody we love is very emotional not only because we miss THEM, but also because subconsciously it stirs up fears and questions about our own mortality. Who am I really? What happens when I die? Do I trust in the natural process? When you are ready, these might be questions to ponder and meditate on.
Meanwhile, please continue your regular meditation. In the center of your being is the solace that you seek. Divine arms embrace you. I don't know what religion you are, if any, but if you're too distraught to meditate, just throw yourself at the feet of your Deity and cry and pour your heart out to Him/Her. That always works for me. <hug> |
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2013 : 04:17:56 AM
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RHADARANI!!! YOUR WORDS ARE A SOOTHING BALM!!
I cried when I read them, from sheer relief!!
I am still playing the old record in my head of what happened, and how the death played itself out, but the pain is not as deep and wounding as it was.
How fortunate that you are soooo open and have abilities to be able to 'see'.
My son, after Milo's death, was seeing Milo still here. He said it like this. "Mummy Milo looks like he did before he ever got that cough, he looks sooo young". My son would see Milo for a flash. He saw him briefly in his bedroom the night after his death,and also here in the living room.
I, unfortunately do not possess that ability that you both do.
this that you shared with me touched me very deeply!!
"You know in the Lord of The Rings (or maybe it was The Silmarillion?) one of the elves, who are immortal and grow weary of the world, said, "Death is the GIFT of Illuvatar (God) to men," and to animals as well. When the burden of our existence becomes too great and our body suffers too much, our soul is released. How wonderful is that?!"
It was a gift for Milo. I think I didn't realize howmuch he was suffering, because he never cried out in pain, not once since the heart condition started. But there was that panting, but that was mostly when it was hot, so I use to think it was from the heat. EVen on the day he died, I just put it down to the heat, and if I could cool him he would be ok
My partner told me that animals deal with pain much differently to humans, they don't necessarily cry out in pain, unless they are in immense pain. I am not sure I agree with that?
Anyway, again, I want to thank you so much for taking the time and energy to help me out. You have been so kind to a stranger!!
Namaste`
Maria
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2013 : 5:53:22 PM
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Maria, I understand how you feel. losing a friend, if it's a human or an animal, is very hard. I have a dog and I love her sooooo much, I know it will be hard for me to let her go.
I think like other people here, that that last meal was very good, because he got to enjoy it before moving on, and because you did it out of love for him, so please release your guilt, he must be very happy and love you for all that you did for him It seems like you took good care of him, and although you say that you couldn't open up to him all the way because of the pain of losing your last dog, from all that you say here, it shows that you really loved him. And, don't worry about him, he is in a very joyous space right now, and you gave him all that you could, which is a lot!
His love will stay with you always, and yours will with him, and I am sure that he is happy how it all went.
Hugs |
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My Dog Died Today
