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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 3:08:36 PM
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Hi,
I am feeling very raw, isolated and afraid right now and seek some feeling of connection, safety, solace..
For so long now, there has been a sense of loneliness in here. I have put up masks and facades to those around me, including my family and my partner.
I am terrified to be honest about my feelings and thoughts with anyone outside of therapy. Even in therapy, there is great fear.
Such trauma as to mould me sexually impotent, terrified of conflict, incapable of voicing emotion, always internalising, always suffering.
I have largely overcome the sexual impotency but still carry a sense of being wrong, broken, flawed, guilty. I wish I could communicate but suffer some kind of block. I end up internalising problems and becoming resentful.
My partner does not feel well about my continuing this therapy.. I find myself struggling with a sexuality, fantasies of other women, on which I sometimes act on in the privacy of my own living space.
A lot of my traits seem to match adult autism, I should probably go to the doctors. I just feel panic.. wrongness.. I am not living my life well.. I am a fraud, liar, coward. Inner silence scares me, life scares me, I want healing and empowerment to become more purposeful, more joyful, more peaceful and secure, I want to be grounded, and alive and happy, not split off in some nightmare, and not disengaged in the world through some kind of pseudo-yogic split..
Anything anyone can do to magically fix this for me? I ask half-jokingly. |
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 8:51:27 PM
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| Find a good psychiatrist, an MD. You probably need medication as the rest of us do sometimes. I'm no psychic but I'd bet you had a real crappy childhood, judgemental and possibly cruel people around you. You seem to have internalize a lot of the crap they said. Really make an effort to find a good doctor. You're in pain and need relief. What your partner thinks is immateral. I probably have no right giving you advice but I have been in similar situations--- a bundle of symtoms looking for a disease. Are you abusing drugs or alcohol? That could make it worse also. Find a good MD. Lots of people have been where you are and come out of it. I wish you all the best. Hang in there. |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 11:24:28 PM
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Hello, Jack 
Do you have kundalini activity? If so, can you describe how you experience it? Which practices are you doing, how many times per day/week/month, and for how long? What kind of therapy are you taking? What substances are you taking, if any, and how much? Are you physically healthy? What types of food are you eating? Do you exercise much? Walk in nature? |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2011 : 06:51:52 AM
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Kundalini, not so sure. Sometimes pressure in the head or uncomfortable emotional energy in the throat/heart, solar plexus regions.
Practices are inconsistent.. I have been listening to "Brain Evolution System" (www.gobrainev.com) each night for the last month, alongside keeping a journal of thoughts/feelings and "non-identifying" with them. Have been practicing slow conscious breathing once a day for ten minutes, have moved to AYP practice again a couple of days ago - 1-2 minutes SBP, 6-8 minutes DM, 10-15 minutes rest, 2x daily.
Therapy is transpersonal therapy, with an emphasis on intimacy, relationships and sexuality. Includes some energetic work with heart, base and sex centre with non-demand touch.
Physically I am fairly healthy, I exercise with calisthenics and weights but not much cardio and limited asana practice.
I eat lots of whole grains and vegetables, fruit, also lots of meat (fish, chicken, red meat).. though do include less healthy food sometimes such as crisps, ice cream, chocolate.
I exercise perhaps 1-2 times a week. I don't often walk in nature.
I am also undergoing redundancy and some relationship stresses.
The other aspect of your question I will respond to from home.
Jack |
Edited by - Jack on Jul 07 2011 07:15:12 AM |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2011 : 12:19:55 PM
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Jack,
I think that unless you have a good reason for keeping your practice times low, you should consider upping them to ten minutes of SBP and at least twenty minutes of DM twice daily. Consistency is very important. It is said that it takes forty days to make or break a habit. Put your intention firmly into making a consistent practice and make a habit of it. I really don't think you'll progress much in Self-Inquiry until you are lit with kundalini and the substantial presence of the witness. Until that happens, you are attempting to not identify on a mental level. It's like mind trying not to identify with mind. If you are able to take the perspective of the witness, and just observe the phenomena as they happen, then great.
It seems to me that your focus should be on awakening kundalini and establishing the witness. I would consider adding sambhavi and mulabandha if you haven't already. Practice, practice, practice :).
Diet can play a large part in your daily experience with thoughts and emotions. The more fruits and vegetables and the less meat and dairy, the better, IMO. The China Study is a great book if you are interested in a plant based diet. http://www.amazon.com/China-Study-C...p/1932100385
I don't have any experience with Transpersonal therapy so I won't comment on that.
I've listened to binaurial beats and things like that in he past and I've not found any benefit. What is your experience with it? Do you feel like it is helping? Have you practiced cosmic samyama? That's the most effective bedtime practice that I have used.
If you are able to, I really think it would help to take a walk or exercise outside every day. Your mental and emotional state can get a huge boost from this alone. It has a cleansing effect. Try experiencing nature while abiding in your heart. Place your awareness in your heart and walk. Give it a try, see what happens.
All the best,
Chas |
Edited by - chas on Jul 07 2011 12:50:01 PM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Jul 11 2011 : 3:23:52 PM
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Thank you, chas!
I have been practicing Spinal Breathing Pranayama and Deep Meditation more consistently, as well as continuing to listen to the Brain Evolution System.
I am starting to feel a few cracks in the darkness..
Thoughts are arising in me that sex does not need to be about conquest, control, power, status or increasing self-worth, but about sharing my body, my energy, warmth, connection, pleasure.
And thoughts of not being petty around money, but around supporting those close to me, creating my own abundance and material strength.. of helping others in order to expand beyond my own old pettiness, and trusting in turn I shall receive.
There is an anxiety of slipping into the old way of thinking. I shall continue practices.
Thank you
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Edited by - Jack on Jul 11 2011 3:34:29 PM |
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chas
USA
209 Posts |
Posted - Jul 11 2011 : 11:23:23 PM
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xir
Ireland
25 Posts |
Posted - Jul 16 2011 : 5:07:55 PM
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| Also, try stopping spiritual practices completely! |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Jul 16 2011 : 5:30:42 PM
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Would you explain your reasoning, xir?
Tempted to take on board.
Lapse tonight, feeling empty inside.. no job, struggling with this relationship.. |
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xir
Ireland
25 Posts |
Posted - Jul 17 2011 : 06:09:01 AM
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I spend an hour sitting on a train every morning and evening, going to and from work.
Please be respectful of those doing spiritual exercises (inside the train) where the train is going from A to B, and people are on it are trying to sleep! Energy is everywhere, and this train is particular packed trying to either do /get to work or trying to get home.
In the morning, it's people coming in, in the evening, it's people going out of the centre, where I work.
Spirituality is not separate from any moment, do you think a moment of patience with yourself is all you need, and walk. Sometimes, a walk is just a left foot forward and then a right foot forward, and it creates balance. Walking is not alone exclusive to the feet, sometimes you're mental feet do the walking, which is why a hobby is good, something creative, so both sides of the brain are used. Trying taking up an instrument to play. I took on the concertina, it's a small instrument, with two scales each side, with exactly the same amount of buttons, each side, and i feel love while playing it, because i love playing it -- although one places with the hands, not the feet.
I have found life to be more about balance, and I've been out of balance for a long time.
If it helps do the practices -- i had to stop for a long time, and sometimes, the thoughts about the practices get looked at in the moment, one wishes or feels a need to practice, and real meditation is seen to penetrate the thoughts that arise about them.
It's all strange I guess.
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Edited by - xir on Jul 17 2011 06:41:04 AM |
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Feeling intensely raw
