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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
 Posted - May 09 2011 : 6:28:13 PM
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It was finally revealed to me. The thing that has been
poisoning me for half of forver.
I will not go into it, insomuch as anything can be, it is
a private matter. It involved nobody but myself, per se.
I'm feeling like myself again. I haven't felt this way in
half of forever.
I just want you to be happy for me.
Namaste,
Kevin |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2011 : 7:27:29 PM
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You are blessed, Kev, and I truly am glad for you.
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faileforever
USA
190 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2011 : 8:09:10 PM
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| Happy to hear Kevin, thank you for sharing with us |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2011 : 9:31:59 PM
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Thank you very much. I'm still shaky and crying.
I'm starting to make some true friends; makes all the difference.
Namaste,
Kevin Cann |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2011 : 08:46:54 AM
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Kev,
I honor your tears, I honor your shaking. I am grateful for your friendship. Friendship truly does make a difference.
Namaste |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2011 : 12:00:54 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by bewell
Kev,
I honor your tears, I honor your shaking. I am grateful for your friendship. Friendship truly does make a difference.
Namaste
We dislike in others, what we most dislike about ourselves.
We remind ourselves of this again and again; and conveniently
forget this, again and again.
Self-forgiveness is the only forgiveness. Holding myself
to an absolute standard and failing, does not give me
the right to beat up other people, who are doing the same.
This was not the karma per se.. it was as black as burning
down orphanages in my mind.. it had lingered for so long..
hiding in the guise of nobility.. as karma often does.
Blech*
I thank you for your loving care; it made a difference.
Namaste,
Kevin Cann |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 7:00:37 PM
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The rabbit hole went further than I knew.
(you can read this post without wincing.. you won't be blasted with terrible pain and longing...)
When I was 5, my father told me that I was not wanted, was a mistake, should never have been born, and that he'd kill me if he could, that he just wanted my mother for sex. I didn't know what sex was at 5, but I understood the rest of it.
So I went to talk to my mother. I didn't tell her what my father said, but just asked her if she loved me.
She said, "you were a mistake. I never wanted you. You have destroyed my life. I wanted a girl". She spent the next hour explaining how my birth had ripped up her female organs, becuase I came out backwards (figures) and that she could never have the daughter that she wanted, and all her suffering was my fault. I was 5...
I never had any relatives or real friends growing up. I grew up as a partial prisoner on a condemned farmstead. I worked on the farm, growing crops for our food, chopping wood with my father, doing a lot of chores right away. I didn't love my parents becuase they didn't love me, and they went out of their way to pound my little ego into the dust, every chance they got.
After I graduated high school, they chased me away with a gun. Except for the weekend I graduated Navy Boot camp, when strangely enough they came to see me, I haven't seen them or heard from them in 28 years.
Now I'm not saying, "boo hoo" please feel sorry for me. I don't want comfort. I'm not setting up some mind game.
Yes, I do feel a little sad.. but I feel happy too.. becuase my dear friend helped me understand something precious to me.
I was telling him, that I hated now nobody in the world would accept my natural self; and that it really hurt.
He really surprised me with his wisdom, it kinda floored me; he said, "Everybody feels that way". That's why ego forms.
Wow, we should put his name in the "Enlightened folder". But I won't do that to him. LOL.
Well, that was powerful enough.
So, my illuminated friend was asking me about how clearly, if at all I could hear the inner guru.
I gave him a long bullsh*t answer like I tend to do. But then the inner guru told me that I didn't have to do that anymore.. that it would be ok. It wasn't in words... Just remembering the inner gurus message makes me cry right now. Its so powerful to hear the inner guru.
So we were discussing that it might take years for me to reliably hear the inner guru. I didn't argue.. I still don't know how this will shake out.
But the insights keep rolling in, and they all make me cry, they all make me feel very grateful. I'm not sure that they make me feel loved or not.. i've never felt that way really, but they all are just the thing that I need to hear.. never accusing or demenaing or making something that it's not. Just the absolute minimum number of "not words" I need to hear. I can say what the message is in words, even though they don't come in words.
This is new to me.
But here's how I wanted to close out this thread on a positive note.
It will sound very awful at first, but it won't be spoken from suffering.. hardly any at least.. but it will end up just fine.
The inner guru told me, that I had wanted a place to be accepted in the world, and that all my ego had developed from that one thing. I suppose this is how it is for most of us.
Unfortunatley for me, I had decided to "hate god" for being such an asshole, when I learned how hated I was by my two parents
and later pretty much everyone I met (due to the autism).
That was inside of me. It was eating me alive. I didnt' even realize that I felt that way. I had gone for decades without asking the inner guru even one question, in fact the only way I've let him talk to me, has been by him showing me many pretty lights and throwing energy at me. But otherwise I wanted him, to keep his pie hole shut, because he was a traitor like god.
This is a lot of suffering to carry around inside.
So i've been trying to build a home, everywhere I've gone, for my entire life. I try to push my way in. I try to charm my way in. I try to "out holy" my way in. The ego games have been endless, and they have all failed, for 45 years.
I won't apologize again.. I know you all just wished me the best and wished I wasnt' suffering so much. I'm just going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn to love myself as best I can.
The understanding, that all of us feel like this at some point, that we have no home, that others can't take us "as is", so we build egos to try to mitigate the terrible pain.. I am not alone with this.. it is the standard human experience for most of us.
I don't have to feel angry with god anymore. I don't have to shut up my inner guru becuase I'm furious with him too. I don't need to teach anybody or impress anybody or anything like that.
I just need to do my practice and be open to the inner guru, when he has something to say. I can hear him crystal clear now, or so it seems (time will tell.. there is much self-inflicted damage to heal. It may be some time, before things stabilize. It wont' be overnight.
I just wanted to share this, so that everyone might hear a happy story, and know that the power of love and wisdom, can rescue the most damaged of lives.
I love you.
Kevin Cann |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 7:18:12 PM
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The problem is you are too needy. People will love you more when you act like you don't care about them. I don't mean for you to treat people badly, but learn to be absorbed in what you are doing, and ignore how others are reacting. You know you are not hurting them, so plainly ask for what you want, and promptly move away.
It's ironic, but people feel much more at ease with you this way. They avoid people whom they feel are needy because you can't satisfy a needy person. You give him one thing and he clings to you for more.
I know because I have the same problem. |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 7:40:57 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
The problem is you are too needy. People will love you more when you act like you don't care about them. I don't mean for you to treat people badly, but learn to be absorbed in what you are doing, and ignore how others are reacting. You know you are not hurting them, so plainly ask for what you want, and promptly move away.
It's ironic, but people feel much more at ease with you this way. They avoid people whom they feel are needy because you can't satisfy a needy person. You give him one thing and he clings to you for more.
I know because I have the same problem.
I thank you for caring enough to post my friend.
-Kevin Cann |
Edited by - kevincann on May 12 2011 8:47:00 PM |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 7:55:34 PM
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I don't think it is an AYP lesson, just something I learned. People can feel needy energy. I think the Celestine Prophecy book talks about that.
It is easy to experiment and see for yourself. |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 8:49:00 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
I don't think it is an AYP lesson, just something I learned. People can feel needy energy. I think the Celestine Prophecy book talks about that.
It is easy to experiment and see for yourself.
Alrighty.. I'm trying to keep my reading focussed mainly
on AYP for the most part right now, but thanks for the
resource. There is wisdom to be found in many places.
-Kevin |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 9:22:56 PM
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Hi Kev: I know you're not trying to start a pity party, but... I'm sorry for the hurt we caused you, and I'm so very sorry you suffered.
My Dad used to say forgiveness was a coin with two sides. One side consisted of confrontation: you have to tell the person who harmed you that they harmed you. And the other side consisted of apology: the person who harmed you has to recognize the damage that they did and apologize. Only when there is an apology, can there be true forgiveness. That definition has had me stuck for years because no apology would ever be forthcoming for some of the things that people have done to me. My hubby thinks that forgiveness is simply letting go of the hurt. And that holding onto the hurt does us far more damage than it does anyone else. Some hurts go deeper than others and are therefor much more difficult to let go. And I'm beginning to understand that he is right. And I'm slowly able to let go of my own hurt, thanks to meditation. But I still think that the apology is important and that to have one will help heal. And so that is why I say I'm sorry for the hurt we caused you.
Much love,
--Liz |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 9:51:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by kevincann
quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
I don't think it is an AYP lesson, just something I learned. People can feel needy energy. I think the Celestine Prophecy book talks about that.
It is easy to experiment and see for yourself.
Alrighty.. I'm trying to keep my reading focussed mainly
on AYP for the most part right now, but thanks for the
resource. There is wisdom to be found in many places.
-Kevin
I wasn't trying to suggest you should read it. Needy people take energy from others. They use their pain to do this. They usually don't know they are doing it, but it keeps them in pain. Some people give them energy and feel like they are caring, but it contributes to the co-dependency. Other people feel the needy energy vibration and stay away. That's pretty much the whole story.
Like I said, I've been there, and haven't cleared it all yet. |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 11:07:02 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
quote:
Originally posted by kevincann
quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
I don't think it is an AYP lesson, just something I learned. People can feel needy energy. I think the Celestine Prophecy book talks about that.
It is easy to experiment and see for yourself.
Alrighty.. I'm trying to keep my reading focussed mainly
on AYP for the most part right now, but thanks for the
resource. There is wisdom to be found in many places.
-Kevin
I wasn't trying to suggest you should read it. Needy people take energy from others. They use their pain to do this. They usually don't know they are doing it, but it keeps them in pain. Some people give them energy and feel like they are caring, but it contributes to the co-dependency. Other people feel the needy energy vibration and stay away. That's pretty much the whole story.
Like I said, I've been there, and haven't cleared it all yet.
Yah, you come across like a straight-shooter, who has suffered too and has
had to deal with the negative reactions.
-Kevin Cann |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2011 : 11:07:50 PM
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Hi Kev,
I can relate to your experience of carrying childhood suffering, and the feeling of not being accepted or loved. I know that pain, and I'm not dismissing what you've been through.
Whenever I felt like something was lacking in life (acceptance, love, understanding, friendship, support, etc.), it was eventually shown to me that I lacked it within. More accurately, I denied myself those things. There's an abundance of inner treasure within, but our minds can keep us from fully accessing it.
I feel that self-love and self-acceptance would do wonders for you. I can't say exactly how you'll come to that place. It could involve learning to forgive yourself, or examining your core beliefs, or releasing old emotions. But I can say that inner silence (i.e. from deep meditation  ) is an immense support in such undertakings. Inner silence can help you release suffering, and/or guide you to useful tools.
And I echo (to some degree) what Ether is saying.
Please know that you ARE loved and accepted as you are. Allow yourself to receive it. There is support and good resources here.
With Love
cosmic |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2011 : 07:21:03 AM
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If I may throw in my cents worth as I often notice that people seem to think that "Being Loved" will make them happy. Not at all. I may tell you right now that I love you 'til I'm blue in the face. The lady living next door to you may tell you the same and even beg you to have a relationship with her - but it will mean nothing to you, will not bring you an ounce of happiness - at most you will feel flattered. The only thing that will make you happy is when YOU are the one loving. To must GIVE love to HAVE love.
Sey |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2011 : 08:42:30 AM
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To Sey's point....
And to give love, you have to love yourself. No more self-hatred or self-doubt...
Much love,
--Liz
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2011 : 09:24:20 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by lizmoran
To Sey's point....
And to give love, you have to love yourself. No more self-hatred or self-doubt...
Much love,
--Liz
Yup. It's all gone. I'm glad my pain was such a great example.
My AYP instructor came through for me. He's a wonder worker. He took one look at me, and saw where I was lacking. He gave me a couple pointed exercises, which produced a thunderous result.
I'd put his name in the "Gurus" folder, but it might spark disunity within AYP, so I won't.
I love you all,
Kevin Cann |
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senthil
India
25 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2011 : 10:15:50 AM
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"We dislike in others, what we most dislike about ourselves." - How true? ... but we still continue to hate others...
Yes, forgiving others is very important for self healing ... otherwise, we could pretty much spend our life with negativity....hmmm, still long way to go for me...i am working on it.
whether we have caring parents or not, we always seek acceptance outside...it could be friends, co-workers, anyone we meet...we always find someone who does not accept it and blow it up while there are so many who loves us. we are all needy in one way or the other. you are not alone on this.
Love the ego too ... play with it but watch it... let it have its time .. have fun :)
All the best, Kevin. Wonderful things are happening to you. Thanks for sharing !!! |
Edited by - senthil on May 16 2011 11:15:09 AM |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2011 : 1:29:16 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by senthil
"We dislike in others, what we most dislike about ourselves." - How true? ... but we still continue to hate others...
Yes, forgiving others is very important for self healing ... otherwise, we could pretty much spend our life with negativity....hmmm, still long way to go for me...i am working on it.
whether we have caring parents or not, we always seek acceptance outside...it could be friends, co-workers, anyone we meet...we always find someone who does not accept it and blow it up while there are so many who loves us. we are all needy in one way or the other. you are not alone on this.
Love the ego too ... play with it but watch it... let it have its time .. have fun :)
All the best, Kevin. Wonderful things are happening to you. Thanks for sharing !!!
To be happy for another, is to be happy for onself.
I accept your gift of love with gratitude.
I love you too,
Kevin Cann |
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Nasty, Stinky, Dark, Putrid Karma
