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SomethingClever
USA
3 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 09 2011 : 10:18:04 PM
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Greetings and love to the AYP community!
So for the past 10 months I have been experiencing a constant and ever-moving sensation around my head. It is sometimes felt as if in tension, almost always in the 3rd eye region, outside of the skull but under the skin; it also feels as if something is stretched out over my face over the bridge of my nose, and to the back of my head; and there also seems to be another fuzziness/energy/covering at my crown (the area of the atypical bald spot). Sometimes it feels prickly; sometimes pressure at my temples. The thing is -- it's always changing. Whatever "it" is, it feels alive and it doesn't seem that it will ever leave. Sometimes I'll forget about it -- when I'm at play or my mind is preoccupied, but it's always there. And I can't say that it's really all that bad, but I wouldn't call it pleasurable. Once, I focused my attention on the tension in my 3rd eye region and the energy moved down into my penis and I was flooded with the need to tell a woman, who I was scantly attracted to and I had just recently met, that I needed her. I have been afraid to meditate on the energy any further and I will elaborate as to why.
For some background -- this energy/tension seemed to come about after a mescaline and cannabis experience. I would feel it during these mescaline trips (my head would feel tense), but on some occasion it stuck around for good. It began as a sort of fuzzy distant tension inside of my head. I continued to use psychedelics: LSD, various mescaline containing cacti, Dmt (and I would also put this on leaves from the Ayahausca vine as a smoking preparation, called "changa"), salvia, and most frequently cannabis. Each had it's own effect -- LSD and mescaline seemed to make it more tense while salvia and cannabis seemed to alleviate the pressure and provided some relief. So I took to smoking cannabis all throughout my days. Dmt seemed to "cut through" the sensation, I.e. it wasn't there at all. I was using psychedelics to try to "blow away" this thing that felt attached to my face and crown. I have since stopped all drug use (almost 3 months) after a changa experience which was pure hell; in the meantime I was advised to enter a psych ward where I was diagnosed with an acute psychosis and prescribed a low dose of respirdal. I did not and still do not agree with the recommendation, but I am taking it nonetheless. The respirdal only seems to make the sensation feel "fuzzy".
Maybe I provided too much background, but I'd prefer to leave no stone unturned as I do not know what is/isn't relevant regarding kudalini awakening. I mentioned my symptoms to a friend who said that I may have awakened the kudalini energy. I have browsed around and it seems that this might be the case. I'm worried that I have forced it open with my psychedelic use, as this thing has not been pleasurable, but it hasnt been all that unpleasant. It has only been bad when I have approached it with an attitude of "I want it off" or "when will it go away?". Once or twice, when I did not take the respirdal I felt that, while drifting off to sleep, that this "thing" would lift off of me and I became afraid and became alert; with my alertness the "thing" stayed put.
About 24 hours after my "pure hell" changa experience (I hadn't taken any substance for over a day) I had my most mystical experience to date. I did a breathing meditation (I would simply breathe in and out in a fixed way) and within about 20 minutes my entire body was whooshed off (I felt air breeze by me) through a tunnel of colored symbols and visited and convened with entities most of whom were in human form. When I was whooshed back into my body, I entered through the third eye region.
I apologize for the organization of this post (stream of thought) -- it is very difficult to format as I'm writing it from a cellphone. I have endeavored to provide any information that I felt to be relevant, but no doubt my judgement has likely added superfluous items and missed some more important ones. However, I hope that this provides a reasonably accurate account. I have tried to avoid drawing any conclusions -- I wish to only provide the "facts" as I see them and leave the interpretation up to you, the AYP community.
In my estimation, I've been doing "okay" for the most part. Recently I have been bored with absolutely everything. Nothing seems to connect with me. I'm not unhappy though, although I do feel disease when I stop to think about my demeanor. I never truly laugh (I think I used to) and sometimes the littlest things will make me cry a little -- when I start to tear up the energy tries to make it's way inside of my ears. Its never a big cathartic cry -- it feels impeded. I generally feel empty and disinterested, but not depressed. On rare occasions I will feel excitement.
Many thanks to this community and anyone who reads through this post -- your advice comments are appreciated tremendously; this process has been quite challenging at times.
Love to you all! |
Edited by - AYPforum on Jun 10 2012 6:19:52 PM |
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SomethingClever
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Apr 13 2011 : 10:41:46 PM
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Greetings and love again,
I thought I would elaborate a little on the symptoms I am experiencing; I do so with the hope that someone might know what it is that I am experiencing.
So, I'd like to begin with an experience I had on mescaline. After I ingested the mescaline, I smoked some cannabis. Within a couple of minutes, things started to feel out of control, and I started to feel that I was going to lose myself/get pulled away. I became very afraid -- I looked about myself and saw that there was no escape from this feeling so I decided to give in. I don't remember what happened, darkness perhaps, but I found myself feeling absolutely wonderful -- I felt like I was floating on a warm ocean as energy washed through my body. I found that I could feel the bottoms of my feet as I had never felt them before, tingly and sensitive (both in a positive way); I still feel this to this day, if I care to draw my attention to my feet. I mention this experience because I feel that it opened me up in some way. Also, my experiences with psychedelics became more and more unpleasant after this trip. It was the last one that I would call "good". It was after this experience, I believe, that I felt an energy in my head, an energy that has stuck with me. I thought of it as a sort of minor headache; but it did not feel like a headache. It has been about 10 months since this experience.
I used mescaline around 6 more times after this. During these subsequent experiences it felt as if I was scraping against a hard surface, something that I wanted to "break through" and I was unable to again achieve the blissful state I mentioned above.
In November, I took some LSD (this was not my first time) and then smoked some powerful saliva heavy cannabis (this stuff really got my body involved). I was very relaxed and within an hour my awareness went to a quiet empty place in which everything seemed okay; the outside world was stripped away and I watched as lights danced in the ever expanding darkness my awareness inhabited. I came back to the outside world soon after upon hearing the voices of my friends. I conversed with them and I knew at this time that everything was as it should be, and my conversation reflected this deeply felt truth. However, I wanted to go back to that peaceful place and I couldn't. I tried for some time but instead I found myself curled up in the fetal position with uncomfortable shocks running through my head and maybe the rest of my body (I don't remember if the rest of my body was involved). I was worried that I was going to snap at any moment and run off like a wild man; it felt as if something really bad/painful was about to happen. I never did snap, I simply stayed in this scared condition for 12 hours or so, and I did not sleep. It took me a couple of days to recover, that is, for my fear/paranoia to dissipate, but it never really dissipated completely. I took LSD and mescaline once each after this experience -- the energy in my head felt very tense, like a tight knot, and I wanted to just blast it all away.
By this time I had taken to smoking cannabis all throughout the day and "meditating" -- that is, I would lie in bed on my back and let the cannabis take me wherever it would. I would often fall asleep. I would feel the energy as rings that were tightly wound around my head (forehead to the bottom back of the skull) and when I smoked, I was able, through focusing, to push these rings up and out of my head, and this was very satisfying; although, it seemed to be a never ending process and I would often question the amount of effort that was required to do this; 'shouldn't meditation be more effortless?', I would say to myself, with fear; 'how do I know if this is the right thing?' was another.
I was doing all of this with the idea that I would become enlightened and so I would ignore any negative symptoms -- I would say to myself that a bit of pain/unpleasantness was to be expected in so great a goal as enlightenment. I also resolved that this was a journey that I needed to take alone and that there was no advice/technique that could help me -- any such thing would just hinder me. All the while, the energy in my head grew and grew in intensity. On a few occasions I felt that I was getting pulled away, but once I became aware, the sensation stopped as I would pursue it, afterwards, unfruitfully.
Also, my nostrils "opened up" while I was smoking cannabis -- I have been able to breathe through them very clearly ever since.
Near the end of my psychedelic use, I took to smoking a salvia and cannabis blend. I had no control over this experience (contrary to just cannabis) and do not recall if it provided relief or made the energy more intense afterwards, but during it took me out of my body and so it provided immediate relief from the pressure that this energy would exhibit.
So after one particular salvia experience I decided that I needed to go "all the way" with changa (the Dmt and caapi leaf blend) as I felt that this was the "strongest" psychedelic that I had. I wasn't enlightened because, I felt, I was afraid. I felt that the only answer was to confront my fear. My experiences with changa were not pleasant up to this point -- I would often be overcome with fear and, if I smoked enough, pain in my head; once I smoked it and I felt drunk and sick as I dry heaved; but suddenly this went away and I was overcome with a feeling of peace. So, I smoked a large dose of changa this night and experienced the most terrible, awesome experience of my life. Words do not do service to how I felt at that time, but I'll try anyway -- it felt as if the entire world had ended and I was watching the game over screen. The pain was infinitely beyond my threshold and, luckily, I had no awareness of my body, for I resolved to kill myself as soon as this experience was over (I've never been suicidal) -- I was convinced that I could no longer exist having experienced that: it was insanity. But when I resolved to kill myself, the insanity stopped and I was shown a beautiful peaceful scene; i realized that as long as I surrendered, I would be free; however, as soon as i realized this, my awareness became bored and drifted back to the same hell; perhaps, in my pain, I forgot how to surrender again, because this time i stayed there. There was no escape, I simply had to experience every grain of it; it felt like I was experiencing the infinite cosmos. But suddenly, after about 8 minutes of this in earth time I came back and so did the energy in my head. And I was so grateful. I was okay; I was not insane. I became euphoric. I decided to lay off of the psychedelics for a while to take stock of myself. This was in the middle of January.
I lost a lot of weight in the last 4 months of my psychedelic use, about 25 lbs (I was already quite skinny); I was sleeping all of the time and eating irregularly -- this seemed to be mainly a result of the frequent cannabis use. I've since gained the weight back.
After I quit my psychedelic use, I told my family what I was doing and they became concerned. I became overcome with tremendous anxiety and the energy in my head was very prickly and uncomfortable; I didn't want to leave my bed. My family demanded that I go to a hospital -- they diagnosed me with depression. They then insisted upon me seeing an addiction counselor, who suggested that I go to a psych ward. I didn't care at the time and was in a tender condition -- "yes" seemed like the easiest thing to say, but I didn't believe that western medicine could help me (and it hasn't!). I was overcome with fear in the nights that I would be carried back into that hell condition. I would have vivid dreams and wake up with sweat drenching my bed. The days were okay, but the energy/tension in my head was acting up for most of it and it wasn't very comfortable. I wondered if I would ever get "better". At the psych ward they insisted that I take a low dose of respirdal as they diagnosed with an acute drug induced psychosis. My doctor insisted that the energy/tension was, in fact, my neurons firing, wanting more psychedelics. As I mentioned in my first post, I concentrated on the energy and it moved to my penis, so I find it hard to believe that it's simply neurons firing. They gave me an MRI and the results were normal (there was gliosis, which is apparently a normal deviation -- neurologists don't know what it is). I was there for 17 days, that were, all in all, pretty boring. I didn't feel that I needed to be there, although I did admit that it was nice to be around people. I had spent so much time alone and was very afraid that I would go crazy. I'm much better now with regards to fear.
Some other things I've noticed since I've stopped psychedelics: synchronicity with media, especially movies. The stories will seem very similar to my own, especially my last change experience. The climax/moments of tension will scare me and I will often feel trapped. When I hear people speak about their hardships, I'm right there right there with them ("how can you live like that?") and the energy becomes tense.
My appetite has been insatiable -- nothing seems to hit that spot, although I've been eating prepared food, so I haven't had the chance to experiment with my diet. Eating is one of the highlights of my day. That and sleep.
I'm not interested at all sexually, which is a bit odd, but it seems to come and go in waves. A month and a half ago I was feeling very sexually excited whereas now I am not at all.
I'm also remembering a lot of things from my past -- this nostalgic feeling is nice and also a bit melancholy, as if from another life altogether. My entire life feels like it has been a big boring act. I don't connect with anyone, it seems. People talk but it sounds, to me, like they only speak on frivolous matters. It also seems like people don't even know what they're saying. I go through my life saying "hi" and "whatsup" and reguritating the same phrases like "I'm well, thanks, and how are you?". My soul yearns for something more, for something substantive, but it instead languishes throughout these bleak and dreary days -- I'm so bored. When I heard about the kundalini and that it might be what I'm going through I became a bit excited and the energy has been more pleasant, since; but I'm still hesitant. Maybe I'm cautiously optimistic.
Anyways, thank you for reading and I truly appreciate any comments/feedback/advice any of you have. Ive been reading the lesson, but I'm also very cautious as a result of my experiences. I don't want to go rushing into this thing -- I'd like to take it as slow as possible. I'm being taken off of my respirdal medication within the next couple of weeks, I thought I might add. I'd like to give myself some time to acclimate to not being on anything before I begin any meditation practice -- does anyone agree? I have not meditated sitting up straight and I can't cross my legs -- I've been working on the latter for the past month or so. But I digress.
Love and light to you all! |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 13 2011 : 11:18:07 PM
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Hi SC,
Welcome to the forum.
There are quite a few of us here who began AYP after a drug - induced kundalini awakening. And that's exactly what your description brings to mind (plus some various side-effects of long term psychedelic use). Those side-effects, such as the disconnection from people and reality dissipate in time. I strongly agree with discontinuing the anti-psychotic medication. You are very clearly NOT schizophrenic based on how lucidly you write, and how aware you are of your situation.
I hope that you will begin practices soon. You dont need to cross your legs to meditate, but it is good to sit up straight. You can sit in a chair, or on a bed with pillows propping you up and your legs spread out in front of you.
Before AYP, kundalini was a raging drug-laced storm for me - there was much fear involved in the experiences. About 1.5 years later, the energy is a pleasureful tiny trickle. A babbling brook, or a fountain of ecstasy as the lessons say. Although I never had that constant head pressure you speak of - I can say that meditation and spinal breathing calmed down the energy experiences I was having within a few months to a very manageable level. The practices will dissolve the energy-pressure in the inner silence that the lessons speak about.
You can start today, it's not dangerous. Just start with 5 minutes of meditation twice a day and see how it goes. It's a good thing.
Love,
Jeff |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 13 2011 : 11:25:21 PM
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P.S.
For energy imbalances in the head, such as in your case, spinal breathing is a great balancer. The root (perineum) to third eye (brow) connection helps balance that energy throughout the body instead of localizing in one place such as the head. So if you do try out the practices, don't shy away from adding a small amount (few minutes) of spinal breathing early on.
Love,
Jeff |
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SomethingClever
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2011 : 11:28:40 PM
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Jeff,
Thank you for your words. It's nice to hear from someone who has been through something similar and come out of it well. The energy is already more gentle as now I am feeling more comfortable surrendering to it. I have begun spinal breathing and meditation as suggested in the lessons -- in fact, during my first meditation I experienced a sensation that went up from the back of my throat and ended with a buzzing around my sinuses; it truly felt like a 'cleaning' -- my nasal area feels even more open now.
Thank you again. Love and light. |
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Kundalini awakened?
