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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 08:57:43 AM
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Hi Folks,
I just had to do some painting work and have one wall re-plastered. I asked a couple of people I've known to do it in order to do them a favor (knew other companies that charged less), but at the end of the day they charged me over two times the value of the work they did, by quoting a 2-3 times higher work hours number.
I feel very angry and betrayed. Any tips how I can forgive the painters and move on?
On top of that one of the days one of the new mirrors i bought was broken in the cardboard box package before it was even installed. I am afraid that i might have broken it - e.g. by accidentally stepping on the package which also gives me the creeps.
Really sorry for bothering you with this--any tips appreciated . |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 09:11:21 AM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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Medea
Netherlands
115 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 09:26:47 AM
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Hi Lili,
So sorry to hear this. What helps me if I'm angry at people is to name them during Samyama. It seems that, by reacting different/opposite of what I'm inclined to do in such a situation, the feelings towards these people soften and it becomes easier to forgive. Next to that, a good night of sleep works wonders as well:)
I don't have any advice on the mirror incident. Why does it give you the creeps?
All the best to you. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 09:31:58 AM
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Thanks Medea 
I don't do samyama at this stage in order to self-pace.
On the mirror the issue is that it was new and in cardboard box all the time so i don't know whether it was broken in the shop, whether one of the movers broke it or whether it was me. The thing is that there is superstition around broken mirror being a bad omen which gave me the creeps when i found out about it. Thanks&cheers, Lili |
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Medea
Netherlands
115 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 09:46:24 AM
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Maybe saying something like a little 'prayer' for them will have the same effect, because that will still be an opposite response. Can't hurt to try right?
About bad omens; my 18 year old pitch-black cat has crossed my path numerous times, but he has brought nothing but love, warmth and goodness into my life :) It is my believe that the meaning you attach to incidents is what gives them power, not the incidents themselves.
Maybe some others have more useful advice for you?
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 11:00:11 AM
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Thanks Medea ,
I think your suggestion makes sense--do you have any tips on how to get myself to say a prayer for these rascals .
Thanks for the second tip also .
I will say a prayer for you for cheering me up a bit  (and treat you to a coffee if you ever visit Den Haag) Cheers, Lili |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 11:15:52 AM
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Hi Lili,
Do you think you are holding a grudge against the painters (hence need to forgive them), or do you think you are judging yourself and being harsh on yourself?
The painters did what they did, and the mirror broke, but it sounds like you feel like you are "naive" to have believed them, and you were "clumsy" to have stepped on the mirror. Look at your story a bit deeper. Are you really upset with them or are you upset at yourself?
Also, if possible, see that things could not have happened any other way. For peace, accept what is going on, you feeling cheated, you feeling silly, the painters charging you a higher amount, the mirror breaking and let it go. Let it go by telling yourself it is OK to feel like you are feeling. The cheating happened in the past. Right now you are only suffering due to the judgements you have of that past memory.
If I am not mistaken, you are familiar with The Work by Byron Katie right? Try that. It is perfect for this situation.
:) |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 11:26:46 AM
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Hi Shanti,
I think you're right and it's both--I am holding a grudge both against the painters and myself, precisely for the reasons you listed.
Thanks for the suggestions--know Byron Katie and will give it a try. Btw Byron Katie's latest book is even better than the first... |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2010 : 11:32:09 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Lili
Btw Byron Katie's latest book is even better than the first...
Good to know. Will get my hands on it soon.
:)
Thanks Lili. |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 12:27:32 AM
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Hi Lili,
As Byron Katie would say: "They should have cheated you, because that's what happened".
If you can get your head around that one, you can let go of everything negative that has ever happened to you.
I was lucky enough to have this sense as a child, simply knowing that everything that ever happened was perfect and right, because it was happening. It's a useful gift to develop.
All the best
Christi |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 01:04:03 AM
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Hi Lili,
It is not uncommon for things like that to happen to me. What I do is ask God to show me what is really happening.
I hold an image in my head representing the situation, pray with the strongest feeling I can bring up, of wanting to know, then completely let it go and think no more about it. If your mind tries to bring it back up, say it is taken care of, and drop it.
Then after a while you will see a very clear answer.
Often there is something you don't know behind things like this. |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 05:56:52 AM
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Hi Lili,
p.s.
Just because everything which happens is perfect, doesn't mean you have to pay them the money. You can just say: "actually I think you worked this many hours, so I'm going to pay you for that".
And that's perfect too.
Christi |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2010 : 3:31:03 PM
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Hi Christi,
Thanks for that--I don't yet have your gift, quite the contrary--i get very worked up. Most everyone I talked to said I shouldn't pay them but I did because it was my stupidity to trust them rather than bargain in advance. Guess now all I have to do according to you is accept that as perfect . The fact I don't have to see or talk to them again already makes me feel much better.
Hi Etherfish,
Thanks for sharing that--will give it a try.
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Edited by - Lili on Oct 30 2010 3:34:17 PM |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 02:01:05 AM
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Hi Lili,
quote:
The fact I don't have to see or talk to them again already makes me feel much better.
No, you mustn't do that. You must forgive them! And next time you need a painting job done, you must employ the same people! Otherwise your actions will spring from hatred and not from love.
This is what Jesus said when someone pressed him about this issue:
quote:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." [Mathew 5:43]
So there's your challenge.
Christi |
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Medea
Netherlands
115 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 04:12:38 AM
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Hi Lili,
I've always been an atheïst, so praying isn't exactly my expertise. But I 'say' (in my self, not out loud) something like;
- Please, send my love and energy to XXX. May XXX and his/her loved ones be happy, healthy and peaceful, and may they experience the good in the world and within themselves. Thank you-
I don't think it's so much about what you say, but more about intentions. Sometimes I even pray without words :)
Thanks for your prayer. I'm not often in Den Haag, but I'll remember your offer when I will. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 08:39:52 AM
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Hi Christi,
You're right it's quite a challenge. Does it work if I forgive them without employing the same people .
Hi Medea,
Thanks for the tip :) Sure let me know when you come by. I'm not surprised you're an atheist--most of the local folks are.
Thanks&cheers folks |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 09:12:35 AM
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quote:
Hi Christi,
You're right it's quite a challenge. Does it work if I forgive them without employing the same people .
Luckily.... yes. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2010 : 10:12:27 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Christi
quote:
Hi Christi,You're right it's quite a challenge. Does it work if I forgive them without employing the same people .
Luckily.... yes.
Phew what a relief . As I get the impression letting them rip me off over again continuously would mean I don't love and forgive myself |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2010 : 03:33:06 AM
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Christi
United Kingdom
4515 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2010 : 10:55:56 AM
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Hi Lili,
p.s.
This is an interesting video by Adyashanti. Towards the end he talks about the difference between everything being "perfect" and everything just being "as it is". And seeing the relationship between those and liberation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SH3KToKApVo
Christi |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2010 : 11:39:25 AM
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Thanks for sharing that video Christi, I really enjoyed it. _/\_
Love!
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amoux
United Kingdom
266 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2010 : 12:08:37 PM
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| Great video Christi - many thanks |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2010 : 2:52:44 PM
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Hi Lily,
Perhaps you are feeling angry because you value your life, and because you paid more money than you know you should have. And now perhaps you are trying to 'forgive', but really just trying to find a way to cut off your own self-preservation instinct without rocking the boat.
I struggle with this all the time.
How about explaining your position and asking them for the money. Is there any harm to that?
This is not in opposition to 'forgiveness', but it is giving healthy respect to yourself and the money you earned through your own work.
Humbly offering this perspective to you.
Jack |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2010 : 06:25:46 AM
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quote:
How about explaining your position and asking them for the money. Is there any harm to that? This is not in opposition to 'forgiveness', but it is giving healthy respect to yourself and the money you earned through your own work. Jack
Hi Jack--I think you're absolutely right and fully agree with you. The only issue is that eventhough I forgave the folks I think I haven't fully because even the thought of seeing and talking to them on any subject fills me with repulsion. So I am relieved to have gotten rid of them and don't want to talk to them any more as if I do I will get angry again... |
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Clear White Light
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2010 : 08:36:20 AM
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| You could always take them to court. If we're talking about a significant amount of money that would certainly be my reaction. |
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Lili
Netherlands
372 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2010 : 09:37:48 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Clear White Light
You could always take them to court. If we're talking about a significant amount of money that would certainly be my reaction.
Hi CWL-it's a lot of money but my main problem is not this money itself--it won't make or break me--it's the inability to forgive in this case and others, regurgitating resentment and holding grudge(s). Taking them to court will probably not resolve this... |
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forgiveness etc
