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sagebrush
USA
292 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 01 2010 : 12:17:42 PM
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I do not enjoy hurting anybody. I have found some form of a person fixation of bodily pain. not to the degree of being a cutter, but more like a picker/preener. to a degree that is self destructive I have to really thru out the day focus on replacing a bad habit such as nail biting with grooming my nails with a cuticle stick and oil...instead of biting. This takes many weeks of reminding myself to switch the habit. I am learning this.
I don't enjoy hurting anyone. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Oct 04 2010 : 04:52:13 AM
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| That's admirable. They say it only takes something like three weeks to make a good (or bad)practice become a habit. So try and stick it out. Good luck ! |
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sagebrush
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - Oct 04 2010 : 10:45:15 AM
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thanks for the compliment with the admiration. The twist is though, that maybe I am a wretch, and maybe I am hurting others. Maybe the way I am and what I do even inside and about myself resonates in other people and is not healthy. How would I know? Self reflection? Inquiry?
Especially if I reach out an they would have a need to not hurt another and soften it with a lie, when I am asking for their truth?
Sometimes I don't want to stop a bad habit. It takes alot of time to even pre focus that I am going to do it. nail biting is my most dominate thought...and to look at them now would be uterly grose.
I have been able to stop about three times in over 15 years...So it is not like I am good at that. My habit is so ingrained and so despised by myself it takes alot of effort to get past the urge to bite and tear.
It is a big deal in my life, but I am also not unsympathetic to larger issues people face on this planet...starvation, rape, murder, disease, beatings, etc. etc.
I am just blown away at where I have developed such a destructive painful-ugly inducing style.
thanks for your inspiration. It is really tricky with that ego thing. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2010 : 05:39:31 AM
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A person who is asking the questions you are, in my opinion, certainly cannot be a wretch ! You are being way too hard on yourself. Tell me.. have you started practicing Deep Meditation? I find that helps a lot with detaching myself from torments of the mind.
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sagebrush
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2010 : 08:28:25 AM
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no, I don't practise deep meditation at this time. I read other peoples poems which is usually upsetting, either for its contents or its in between the lines reading. I have already gone"deep" in my own shallowness and from here there is nothing to do but cultivate my self0sustaining love and stand in the backlash of my own harsh wind of poetic creativity while I cry myself and wonder why I do the things I do....certainly not to win a contest.
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2010 : 02:28:45 AM
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My dear sage - The biggest blessing we humans have is that we get to CHOOSE in each moment of now. It is never too late. Choose differently. And what helps me in keeping with the happier choices I make is AYP. Take a moment and go through the first couple of lessons and see if it strikes a chord in you.
There are other little things I do to keep my head above water - like I concentrate on a happy thought before falling asleep and a happy thought first thing when I wake up. It's silly and at first, it was forced and appeared fake but what do you know.. after a while it got easier and happier - some days at least - other days, like today, I could use a hug.
Do you mind? <<Big Hug>>
How come we don't have hug smilies here?
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sagebrush
USA
292 Posts |
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hurting others
