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whitespy
Germany
12 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 27 2010 : 09:41:08 AM
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Hi fellow Yogis and Yoginis! I am 32 years old guy from Berlin, Germany, have been studying the humanities for some years, and February this year I had a psychic breakdown because of a relation
ship breakup. Suddenly I was lifted into divine love. I had kriyas,
paranormal abilities, traumas re-lived. After I found out through
literature that I had a K awakening, a lot of stuff in my life of
the last ten years became clear. It was overwhelming. 10 years
ago due to unintelligent drug combining, I had a horror trip.
Suddenly my ego got kicked out of the drivers seat. It was pure horror
to me. Looking back, it now to me seems like a K activation. What
followed was some months of superinflated ego, and then crashing
down into groundlessness. After a year, my life was back to normal,
yet the panic attacks continued on. I instinctively told no one
of my experiences because I feared they would put me into mental hospital. What was most fearsome to me, I remember, is that my
open eyes always went up in the direction of the third eye. Like
a cross-eyed madman. I remember once seeing a picture of Muktananda doing this.
Oh, I must stop here. Too strong emotion for me in writing more.
The more I write, the more I feel out of my body so I just leave
you with this first snippet.
I hope to find support here. I know I must learn to trust more
deeply and let go. But at the same time my mind is always in overdrive for the last ten years. I think it wants to overcompensate for the fear. So a lot of drama is created.
Intellectually I have learned a lot about the K process, but my
psyche is still often frightened, and my emotions I have buried for years. I now must for my soul and psyche like a mother for her
children. For years I wanted to transcend the world. I pushed my
spirit aggressively through long meditation. I do not want to
transcend anymore. At least I want to learn to live here on
earth comfortably. I always went for the spirit part and my soul
now wants a lot of attention. When I was in the throes of the
K eruption I had to tell my soul I will hold on to it. I really
feared losing contact to it because I was overwhelmed by
archetypes.
Affter the highs, there came the lows again. For four months I
was on fire, to the point that I wanted to make love to the Goddess.
I never knew until AYP that too much bhakti is not always a good
thing.
Since the last two months, I have been spiritually burned out. My intuition
faded away. My body is tired. All I want is rest rest, rest.
No extraordinary experiences, thank you. I wanted sanity first.
The samskaras came back with a vengeance. At first
I wanted to cling desperately to the experienced joy, but it made
everything worse. I now see non-attachment not simply as an option
but as a necessity.
Thank you for reading my story. I plan to write more in the
future and mingle more in the forums.
namaste
whitespy
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Edited by - whitespy on Aug 27 2010 10:02:17 AM |
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Panthau
Austria
149 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2010 : 2:12:13 PM
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Thanks for writing your story, interesting read :)
In some little details i can see myself in your story, though my fears and panic attacks had another reason.
In learning to let go of my thoughts, and in learning that they tell me things that are just plain simple untrue,
i could let go of over 90% of my fears. Maybe that is an option for you too.
I wish you atb, and very warm welcome :)
Pan |
Edited by - Panthau on Aug 27 2010 2:41:33 PM |
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2010 : 4:45:44 PM
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Hi whitespy,
I'm sure you'll find what you want. All in all it is you. The chaos of mind and thoughts together with the sense perceptions of the body that create the cheat, can be eased down to a state where you can clearly see that you are untouched and free already. DM and smiliar pratices are a great help in this.
When it comes to permanently clearing the chaos, some deeper cleansing with pranayama comes always handy =P
Those pictures with those eyes looking upwards are a good hint and some only appear in time space with only one picture like that to guide those who are ready for the final realization.
So as you see, right from the beginning good things have happend for you :) |
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