|
|
 |
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Rhia1979
United Kingdom
3 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 2:00:04 PM
|
Friday, July 30, 2010I hated my job. No longer 20 something, noticing the fine wrinkles that started appearing around my eyes. Tired of fighting for something different, something better, only to realize when I got there that my beautiful dream was not at all what I thought it would be. Its okay, I would tell myself. Look, there is another plan, another thing to achieve, money to earn, beauty to be had. You just need to find the right one. Knowing, deep inside that the drudgery of the game will simply go on, and on, and on.
Things were looking up, since I had started seeing a counselor. I was going back to school, thinking about Graduate programs and researching careers. Eventually I knew I would get the courage to quit my job- it was that or go postal and then jump off the top of the building. Whatever. Part of me had become too numb with callouses to be overly bothered with the details of life. Every day I put on my smile and my enthusiasm. By this time I am an expert liar. There is only one person I have ever met who I couldn't lie to- but that is another story for another time.
Mornings I rush to Starbucks for my Venti Coffee. My boyfriend calls Starbucks my "dope dealers", and it is true. Nobody ever wants to try having a conversation with me before I have had my coffee. Besides, it is always hardest in the morning. Nights are easier. Nights you get to pretend, pretend you are someone else, pretend tomorrow might be different, pretend that something amazing might happen. Then you sleep, and dream. I always did love to dream. When I was a little girl I used to remind my parents, gently, that it was my bedtime. It was yet another adventure to look forward to. So far, I keep waking up every day.
"****". That was usually my first thought, followed by "what the **** time is it?" And as I am rushing to find my favorite jeans the day starts screaming in my head. Sometimes I scream back, but usually I just say the same things over and over. "I dont want to be here, this is all bullsh*t, what the **** is wrong with me?"
As I said earlier though, therapy was helping, by some minor miracle I seemed to have found a therapist who actually knew what he was doing. I was pushing back, changing what I said to myself, or trying to. It was exhausting, and I didn't really believe myself, but once again I found myself trying.
It was a weeknight, and I was alone after work, trying to forget about things. Recently I had been really drawn to colors, deep, vibrant pink/salmons, whites and -of all things- purple. (I used to dislike purple) I had come to the realization that I was feeling rather lackluster. My clothes were all very modest. I never wore jewelry, except for the pentagram ring on my left hand that I never took off. My hair needed cut, my cuticles were bloody from chewing them all day at work and I hardly bothered with much makeup anymore.
What the ****? When did THAT happen? I was starting to notice things a little bit more, like a thick fog was lifting, so slowly I hardly realized it was happening until something true and real stood plain as day for me to see.
I could just get my hair and nails done, go shopping, get a makeover. Try a new look. But part of me wasn't satisfied with that. It never changed anything, so why spend the money? Maybe there was something I could find on the Internet. I typed in Google "reclaiming feminine sexuality", and after looking through some ads I found a short article on a Tantric Meditation for women.
Perfect. I was very familiar with meditation. I turned off the lights and lit bunches of white candles. I read the instructions one more time, memorizing the important parts and trusting my mind would fill in the rest. For a while, I breathed. Slowly, over and over. It seemed as though pink cherry blossoms were floating through the air like a warm snow. Then the energy started to move. This time, it was different. Somehow my awareness expanded, until I was both within and without myself at the same time. The energy grew stronger, racing up the soles of my feet, up my spine and out through the top of my head. Every slightest movement, every breath, blink, heartbeat was pleasure. I was both "touched" and "touching".
Then the energy began to move in a circle, forming an arc over my body, swirling, rocking and spinning all at the same time. The rest I cannot explain in words.
Afterward, I was shaking so bad I could hardly walk. The only thing I could think was "OH MY GOD", over and over. One by one, my thoughts began to click into coherent understandings.
I am not broken. I am not bad. I am not my depression, I am not a disorder. For the first time in my adult life, I was making a statement instead of a ferverent wish. Not only was I not bad, I was very beautiful, joyful, expressive and strong. I had limitless amounts of energy and passion. I was not alone. Never again would I be alone, desperately seeking approval in anothers arms, always afraid to lose. I was perfect the way I am. THANK you, I cried. Whatever twist of fate, coincidence or miracle that had happened, THANK you.
Now, everything is different. My life is changed irrevocably. Nobody can take away my experience of the truth, and in that truth is eternal solice, because I understand everything that I am to be all that I need. And I still go to the "Dope Dealers" every day, I still get annoyed in traffic and sometimes I want to just scream in frustration. My inner bitch is still alive and kicking, just like always. But more and more, I am honest. More and more, I am remembering things. Now, when I ask questions, I can see the answers.
And the thoughts are gone, like smoke into the air. No more wishing to die a jillion times per day, no more hatred every time I looked into the mirror, no more berating, cursing, yelling. I have been abusing myself for 15 years. The thought is a sober one. Many such realizations are coming upon me these days. Its a mad, crazy ride, kind of like being in the rapids and not sure if you should be terrified or thrilled.
I am deeply, profoundly, furiously blessed. We ALL are.
There really is nothing to prove to anyone.
Of course, being me, and impatient- I wanted to know what Tantra was all about. I never studied Tantra, mainly because I didn't see any need whatsoever to "improve" my sex life. After some initial research, I quickly understood that Tantra really doesn't have anything to do with "sex" as most people understand it. Now I have read a couple of books, many articles and forums and am more confused than ever. There seem to be so many variations on Tantric practice, so many different people claiming to have the "proper" way to instruct on it.
This is the same confounding issue I have always had with organized religion. My experience of meeting myself has continued as a regular meditational practice. I am not intentionally using any Tantric techniques, but I find myself being guided to certain imagery and techniques (either by voices or it just "happening") that produce very powerful results.
Part of me is very scared and wanting quite a bit more order throughout this whole process. I have had such an abundance of energy that I can work on my art for up to 10 hours at a time and not be tired in the least- and I am creating things that are well beyond my ability (or I guess what I thought was the limit of my ability)
There are many warnings about "dabbling" in things of which you have no knowlege.... Am I putting myself at risk? Can I be trusted with myself? I wish I had someone to explain to me what is going on, especially when my energy gets stuck (usually at the base of my spine, but just as often in my head) although so far I have managed to figure out on my own how to get it "unstuck".
Please, if anyone has any thoughts, comments or advice pertaining to my situation, I would greatly appreciate it. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this- aside from you, whoever you are reading this right now. :)
Blessings,
Rhi |
|
|
Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 3:17:10 PM
|
Rhia, thank you for telling all these things. It is really magical, when this process begins, or a shift happens and you suddenly see that maybe there's more than you thought. It is beautiful. And it is an inner initiation into everything you ever deeply wanted for yourself, and ultimately everyone and everything. I would suggest that you continue doing what you do, in regarding to going with what you feel, surrendering to the process, and your world, if you choose to continue evolving, is going to open up beyond what you ever thought possible. Truly.
The lessons here at AYP are great, and explain many aspects of going on the quest, things like Bhakti, which is the force that you feel inside wanting to go forward, the force that will bring everything you need to you. Here at AYP tantra is I think a secondary practice. The most important practice that is recommended is deep meditation with a mantra. This is what will keep you grounded in inner silence, and ever evolving.
Thanks and I hope this helps. Maybe other people have good things to say 
Welcome |
 |
|
|
Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 6:16:57 PM
|
Hi Rhia,
Welcome to the AYP Forum.
You're very much in the right place; the AYP Lessons (both Main and Tantra) offer a rather unique blend of instruction, including when and how to self-pace, as we call it, in AYP.
That (self-pacing), along with the very pragmatic and powerful combination of energy practices, combined with deep meditation, which helps us to get into ever deeper touch with the fullness of who and what we actually are (complete ).
And so, I'd recommend just starting with the Main AYP Lessons (available via the Main Lessons tab at the top of the page), and begin daily meditation and spinal breathing (easier than it sounds, if you're not familiar with the term), and proceed from there.
We're a group of men and women, spanning a fairly full age spectrum, and located all over the world, here -- some of whom have experienced a rather powerful set of benefits from AYP.
You've obviously just had a fairly big, yet completely normal preview of the types of beautiful experiences that are available as we open to our true, integrated nature.
Chances are pretty good that that strong an initial energy opening will be followed by a bit of a low -- and it may be only a bit -- just a bit more tired, or whatever.
I'm solely basing my guess on this on what you've written -- the energy experience was very powerful for you, and you've never experienced anything like it.
Yogic energy experiences are very similar to physical exercise, and what you experienced may be similar to if you started running, or weight training, and it all felt GREAT ... but then, soon after, you might feel a bit tired or sore.
Again, nothing to be afraid of, at all -- completely normal, and almost always very short-lived ... especially if you follow AYP's self-pacing guidelines -- which basically amount to: if you feel or say "It hurts {I feel tired, emotional, out of sorts, etc.}, and I think it's from {insert practice/experience here}", AYP Self-Pacing guidelines say "Well, maybe don't do that, or do a lot less of it, for a 'day or few' depending upon how you feel". If you don't feel better, maybe stop altogether, for a 'day or few'".
All very much common sense, but seemingly fairly unique to AYP in the world of deeper yoga and meditation practices.
There's a lot of information here at the forum, as well as in both the Main and Tantra lessons.
And so, you'll probably feel a lot clearer on what's going on after doing a bit of reading ... and if you have further questions .... well, that's what we're here for.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
|
Edited by - Kirtanman on Aug 01 2010 6:18:00 PM |
|
|
|
Tibetan_Ice
Canada
758 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 6:45:35 PM
|
Hi Rhia :)
Congratulations on activating your kundalini and welcome to the forum! Thank you so much for posting your experience here.
I have no answers, only questions... Where exactly did you find the Tantric Meditation for women? Do you have a link to it? I would love to read about the technique..
Thanks.
:)
TI |
|
|
|
Rhia1979
United Kingdom
3 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2010 : 12:28:09 PM
|
Hi Tibetan Ice,
I wish I could find the article again- but I have looked and either the author pulled it or something... I don't know, but I can't find it! Anyway, it was not anything fancy or esoteric at all- in fact, there are lots of other sites that have very similar meditations, so just try doing a search. I think the important thing for me is that I felt very "comfortable" with the instructions- and, not knowning anything about Tantra, I had no expectations of the experience. My sole intent was to connect with the Divine Female Sexuality on a deep and personal level. I hope this answers your question!
Rhi |
|
|
|
Rhia1979
United Kingdom
3 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2010 : 12:45:53 PM
|
[quote]Originally posted by Kirtanman
Kirtanman, hello and thank you so much for your reply! I spent a good chunk of time reading through much of the site yesterday and found it to be highly informative! It is so funny because I already naturally have been doing my own versions of spinal breathing and the "I AM" meditation. I tried them this morning the way that they were presented in the lessons here and it was very natural(AND felt great!!). Is it okay to "tweak" certain things if you feel more natural doing so? For example, with the spinal breathing excersise, "seeing" the tube is very distracting to me, as I am used to feeling the actual energy moving up and down. Do I need to "see" it or is feeling enough for me to derive the benefits of it?
I really appreciate your advice about the self pacing- it is simple, makes sense and has been working for me so far (for the most part) Haha, us humans sure do find a lot of ways to make things way more complicated than they really are sometimes!
Anyway, thanks again for the warm welcome and may your day be blessed : )
Rhi |
|
|
|
Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2010 : 8:31:49 PM
|
Hi Rhi,
You're very welcome.
Yogani answers your question in Lesson 44 - I'm presuming you probably just haven't read that far, yet -- and yes, it's fine to jump ahead, especially per your question.
http://www.aypsite.org/44.html
Lesson 44 is literally the answer to the exact question you're asking (it begins with the question, and the remainder of the lesson is Yogani's answer.)
A couple of key excerpts from it:
quote:
We don't force the mental image of the spinal nerve. We gently favor it. The details will come on their own.
quote:
Imagining the spinal nerve is just a beginning, We have to start somewhere. As we trace out the path of it over and over again with the breath, something begins to happen. Something starts coming up. It may be feelings. It may be colors. It may be sounds. We will experience something. We just keep practicing, not detouring very much into the sensations that come up.
In the rest of Lesson 44, Yogani says some things that are alternately staggering, mind-blowing and world-changing ... actually so, in direct experience.
Based on a few years experience I can tell you two things about what Yogani says in that Lesson:
1. It's all quite true.
2. Yogani is really, really good at under-stating things.
I hope this helps, and if you have any further questions, please just ask.
You wrote:
quote:
Us humans sure do find a lot of ways to make things way more complicated than they really are sometimes!
Indeed we do.
They actually have a term for when we no longer do that.
You may have heard it:
Enlightenment.
(No kidding.)
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
|
|
|
|
omarkaya
Spain
146 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2010 : 10:50:25 AM
|
| namaste,tantra is treatise of life it has all branches |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
| AYP Public Forum |
© Contributing Authors (opinions and advice belong to the respective authors) |
|
|
|
|
Inexperienced with Tantra- but it changed my life
