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porcupine
USA
193 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 21 2010 : 07:08:01 AM
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I dislike having schizophrenia overall, and I'm not even sure if thats the case anymore, nor was I ever, sadly.
Whats more since I write on the internet I've come to be represented by so much that doesn't even necessarily reflect how I feel right now, even though maybe once it did. Whats more I write to inspire and uplift people, for the most part, and recently I've been banned from many sites, just for doing that, now I can't get my message out, I'm isolated. Its okay, finally I found NAMI in my town, I've passed it so often, but I never understood what it was and one day I thought well gosh that must be NAMI, so I went in and they seemed nice, like people who would understand, and I just wanted to find a group of people so this could all end, and maybe that is my best bet, and the way to go, because someone told me I'd have to bail out in life sometimes, and I should know my parachute and NAMI is an umbrella organization, apparently not run by little elves, whatever that means.
But I come back home and see a mouse going in circles again and again, the same mouse I saw when I was going there, it means nothing I know, but its just the mice have always come when something is going to happen, and now I see NAMI is with Nimh, and Nimh means mice... also they at least have a similar view to wantism, I feel like its about my life too much though, do they think that is polite, its overwhelming. On the other hand, I went there and along the train tracks by the place and theres all this graffiti, suddenly I see, my old friends who I trusted, were just crazy, my long lost sister (or is she?) crazy... all of it seems to be there, soma and the pomo... even down to this really annoying guy... and it all makes sense now, but of course they lead me on in the dark for two years.. and never talk to me about this... some kind of wierd cult... i never asked to be a part of, if i had known this is what is meant to practice bhakti yoga, but I know this is not what it means, I have no idea what those people (my 'friends') think or why they chose to hide so much from me, and still do, but now apparently they've moved on, and simply answered nothing, thank you. I see how it has built up, maybe all of it was set up, and they act as if I should know and this is what I wanted. Sadly, I am not even in a position anymore, not to mention, I still don't know about this irish thing, or what my family has against me. Or just why, everything is the way it is, it seems like everyone is hypnotized, even myself maybe, and the zen doesn't help, not here, everywhere is just their conspiring, and unfortunately where is peace? I just want to sleep. Flo is being wierd now... I don't understand. and I don't know I just wish I had a therapist, but all of them just want to rape your mind it seems, and you need to call before hand and bullsh*t. But its okay, I think I fell into another place, this isn't the same place as I used to be in, though it looks the same, sometimes that happens.
Its like the cycle from the beginning of my life is repeating, I met Olive.. and she's so cool, is it because Flo is a nondualist? and why 423? Shakespeare? Mythology, that cannot be it, but still the north wind blows, of course its not going to make sense, apparently thats the appeal, and also it is my bane, in its beauty, the essence is glossed over, sad, and to the point because yet I could give it all up and maintain the look of compassion, but in a sense this is a greater evil, to allow the world to fall into such turmoil and such injustice to occur but what can be done?
I don't want to explain this, I don't want to hold back, I don't have poise. But everyday I smile and I say Hey! and thats about it, how do we find ourselves at such impossible junctions, like a wierd illusion paradox thing, that won't get untangled...
I want to go to ireland, I want to go from these people, realizing that it can really be messed up, peoples egos... thats all I see, but no one understands what I am saying, theres no information
and here I am just making a fool of myself... puzzle peices falling apart.. it doesn't represent me is all I can say, humility can destroy someone... pride can do the same thing.. equilibrium is important, and a part of me has it, but that part doesn't show itself, why would it need to?
If you want me to speak on the immanent divine, why make the feedback so annoying...
I'm not a part of this family, maybe I am just alone.. as I've said many times... I have a girlfriend through kind of... and she is cool, I love her... its different, it blows my mind, yet once again, and everything is confusion, is that the ultimate love, from which all things arose and which is now sucking me back in with even greater gravity... hopefully, I can only hope, for now they are only words, I don't even know why I say them, but I know within them is a seed, I blame no one, and I love everyone in every way that I can, last night I realized Goddess is everywhere, she is in so many forms so how could I ever put one name upon it, though fathers day imo is based in delusion where is Self day? I celebrate myself... universe I understand... I must speak to you... the vastness of a single moment, every moment, perfect rivers... flowing forth, and such things.. waiting to write, playing guitar sitting, blinking, adjacent to the inquiries into my life, into this or that when it is neither, why should i judge my day why is it polite to judge and categorize so mildly, its like they aren't real statements, and i'm sorry that I lie by submitting to the status quo.
Whatever, its deeper than that but thats all I remember, or want to write, guess what its not laziness, my life doesnt revolve around the same axis as a lot of peoples, and they get offended thinking it does, but its like i've spent so much time in the preschool babysitting these folks, and I guess its my fault, because i didn't do the traditional leaving ritual, but **** rituals, and now they surround me, there is no my moment, its all in context.. like the psychologists who live among 1000 cults, they could never understand simplicity of just one moment, like how music used to be, its not like that anymore, at least i have one good friend.. etc... yeah and i dont know if this is alone or if this is like speaking through a loudspeaker, its the only impersonal kind of therapy I got though... I am many people, just as she and she is me, its not a love poem I'm sorry, thats the basis of the sickness, so maybe I have sold out, such is the battle of spirit and yet something has surfaced a glimmer of hope in this,
there was once a poem, that was lost.. why? i don't want to take about it, but its coming back, its less beautiful, but at least people will actually think about it
Everything is the self, so apparently I've chosen myself to be the one out in the open, amongst... myself and that it would all be so inconsequential.. and mystic love is a great love... and all the poets, who talk about undying love, and true love, and at the moment of greatest confusion, dark moments within love, where love appears, and says hello, look into the mirror, show them the mirror, the water, the sky
why would you ever need to explain to yourself, because that is all we are, say the fairies.. conceding to the lessons of this reality that i've discovered time and time again, discovered from studying the way that it goes down, exactly, every time that it goes down. Whatever will happen, that they follow me back, shouting things about the devil, because I worship the Goddess? I am a wild fox spirit... and I do what I must do, I revere all aspects of creation and know the sacred name in pronounced in everything and even silence, even before being and beans and whatever you might want to say, its an inexact way I give you that, and may the Pomo bless it, and may all novelty and ancient be assuaged when I come spontaneously and filled with the light of the worlds and all that love, ****ing chastely the night and morning time, humming somatic songs of the revolution that is life, because the galaxies are stoic revolutionaries among a universe of empty stillness, where perhaps the stars are like hermits and people like you are me, we are either waking up or dreaming, or dancing... or something, forgive me when I swerve do you see where I am? Where I have believed in the maps of this walls and these items, and wonder how did they appear here and what all the associations together has formed... nothing... too much... just go along and wait in stillness and break it like the sun does everyday but don't go out there anymore and be a slave to the natural rhythms, because they say this and that is just the working of time, going in so much circles, we become like the atoms and then I lose reason and don't understand I'm trying to hold onto this to give it to you because I know its worth more than anything, but unfortunately everything keeps exploding so its hard to really get it down detailed and whatnot in 1000 pages nawmean? Someone else try it.
Everything is the self.. goddess! GODDESS!! ALL!
http://christiannonduality.com/
I feel like through non duality we have lost the way, its just that love is great. It is the rustling of a cotton woven pajama bottom, that I have never worn, it the past that returns and says these things, you are born again into this world of boredom... these... these are real people, they have a fleeting vitality... and yet almost clear as my hand I remember the other side... is it tir na nog? wanti? a land of many names, I'll accept any name, going purely on feelings, descendent of feelings and bridge them, like awadwan, that time would loop itself so perfectly of course, its time travel, because of something that was written, and which recieved no intelligible verbal response, there was a deeper response at the heart of existence.. and out sprang this, I vow to upkeep the proper etiquette the best I kind, and be simply, as I am... life is an epic it seems, but what is an epic truly? everything is only veils becoming signs, and I'm going away, its not sad, what is death? its not sad, thats all I can say.. let go.. but lets not fight blindly, where we are truly trying to embrace, know the essential innocence... other words valarsky... cha! what do I know? Soteria!! GODDESS! |
Edited by - porcupine on Jun 21 2010 07:19:01 AM |
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markern
Norway
171 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2010 : 07:18:14 AM
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I don`t have time to give a proper reply right now but will get back to it another day. I would see an acupuncturist as soon as possible to help balance your energies and I would seriously look into finding a therapist. Preferably one who does cognitive or mindfulnes based cognitive therapy and knows about schizophrenia.
Also doing any sort of grounding work will normaly help people with your condition. Squats are good as are rotating the ancles. |
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ik-jivan
Canada
36 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2010 : 7:09:12 PM
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Porcupine,
Wow! It seems you have a whole load of thoughts converging at once, competing for your conscious attention. That’s got to feel overwhelming and you must feel your chest tightening with anxiety when this happens to you.
I can relate a little, because of the work I do in data management. Everything gets thrown at me at once and I have to organize chaos into tidy little processes that distill everything down into a meaningful knowledge product.
I don’t know if this will work for you, but can you sort and then prioritize these thoughts and then give yourself permission to set the less important ones aside until you’ve dealt with the most important ones? Start with your message above. Which thoughts recur most often? Those are top priority. The ones that don’t occur often can be dealt with later.
You’re a bhakta? What does your practice consist of? Who and what is Goddess to you? Which of her myriad qualities do you perceive most distinctly?
It is said that schizophrenia is due to the pineal gland (10th Gate / Dasam Duar in Sikhi) being open like a floodgate that cannot be shut. The DMT (Dimethyltryptamine) secretes from there and causes visionary experiences. I’ve been reading Anhad Shabad Dasam Duar by Bhai Ranhir Singh ji. Believe it or not, the mystical level of Sikh practice talks about controlling the flow of this secretion, which in Sikhi is called ‘Amrit’, ‘Naam Nectar’, ‘Naam Amrit’ and ‘Nectarian Naam’. . .
Here are a few quotes from page 5 . . . don't mind the quality of the Punjabi to English translation . . .
‘Turns around the lotus of interior body with contemplation of Lord Supreme. Then what follows is: Trickles Amrit from the highest Dasam Duar’
'Working like a fountain, "Trickles down nourishing Amrit that rejuvenates the devotee."’
'Says Kabir Ji "Trickles from my furnace at high Dasam Duar exalting Amrit. Collecting Nectar Supreme, my selfhood burns as fuel in the furnace.’
Maybe there’s a method in Sikhi that will help.  |
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porcupine
USA
193 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 9:01:32 PM
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| GODDESS! |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 08:29:06 AM
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Goddess bless
Namaste |
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porcupine
USA
193 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 10:55:35 AM
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| Goddess, we all make mistakes, through the practice of zazen they are the flower, they are the enlightenment, self liberated, this is the true dharma |
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Quisabo
Germany
15 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2010 : 07:40:24 AM
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I feel the same way, isnt this beautiful? Although I think I'm more bipolar than schizotypal, but I've lately been obsessed with numbers, and sacred geometry. And walking around in town. I live in the same city where CG Jung had his vision of Christ, Münster. It is a thinking city, rational, and I feel like an alien elf here, like my pineal gland is way too big, you know :p. When I want something, and concentrate on it, it comes to me sooner or later. I have all throughout my life been able to just "know" things. When I was about 6, and a relative of mine got killed, I shuddered and said "I think they just shot my mom". I remember as a child I telepathically moved one of my toys over the table, but nobody believed me. No big deal. I keep reminding myself that my famiy loves me, even though they judge me and don't understand me, or are afraid of who I really am. Empathy is the key for sure, but it is near impossible to obtain logically. A combination of logic and intuition definitely equals love for me. The most important thing is to keep moving on, spiritually. Reality is nourishment for the mind too, there is no need to drop it. Once one has realized how to do so, one doesnt need to search for higher meanings. Just stop fighting the shadows, step out of the darkness (bring sunglasses if it is all way too bright) and see that this is really how everybody feels. You are very gifted, and She definetely loves you, she's right there, or here, she will come to you when you need it. Channel it through your senses to share the love with people who don't have the same views, people are cool in general you know. May the force be with you my friend. 
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benucci
Germany
9 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2010 : 09:30:08 AM
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Hello Porcupine,
In reading your message I was thinking, that you have a lot of stuff in your head going on, which is not related so much to daily living. You describe having schizophrenia and the description you write in points to that kind of mental illness. I know, that its hard to convince you, that this a serious disorder in thinking and its best to get maybe professional medical help, but I wouldnt escape into spiritual concepts and ideas other people have and put into the internet, which is not really a help, as you have schizophrenia and mixing it with another ideas of oneness is maybe not so good,but I dont know?
An idea of oneness is different to the perception of oneness! And these parapsychological ideas and escapes into mystical bollocks has nothing to do with oneness, or?
If you have concepts in your head of people hunting you or these mystical kind of astrology life attitude, I consider from my point of you to investigate your thinking and if it matches reality?
Good luck and all the best,
Benucci
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2010 : 9:30:47 PM
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--"that you have a lot of stuff in your head going on, which is not related so much to daily living. You describe having schizophrenia and the description you write in points to that kind of mental illness. I know, that its hard to convince you, that this a serious disorder in thinking and its best to get maybe professional medical help, but I wouldnt escape into spiritual concepts and ideas other people "--
Porcupine, benucci has given you the best advice so far. Focus on your daily needs (food, shelter clothing, etc), get help from the people at MAMI, and take DAILY whatever meds have been prescribed for you so you can think clearly and without as much worry. You've got a lot of thoughts running out all at once which does not serve you. Stay on your meds. At least give it a try so you can stablize. Good luck. |
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Schizophrenia and a walk in the park
