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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
 Posted - May 26 2010 : 5:15:32 PM
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I have been avoiding practice out of a fear of change. I have a fearful notion that by practicing, I become distant from those around me, especially my partner.
When I practice AYP, which I admit is irregular, it feels like way too much going on in the brow/head, accompanied by altered states, but not much 'connection' at the heart and not much 'aliveness' in the body.
I practiced one of Reggie Ray's earth breathing meditations yesterday, and felt quite rooted, alive and happy. I could feel genuine goodness in myself and enjoy my girlfriend's company. When I practice DM or SBP I begin to feel spaced out and disconnected.
Or else - I feel connected, but this fearful story kicks in and eventually absorbs consciousness.
I feel a desire to clear the nervous system of the various emotional baggages, restrictions and obstructions... but I don't want float away and lose groundedness in my life. Plus guilt kicks in as I am not honouring my daily life fully.
So then I go back to exercising, practicing zhan zhuang, earth breathing, whatever, and I feel grounded. But this bhakti/addiction wants to feel high/higher consciousness and pulls me into DM. So I'm like a yo-yo.
Perhaps this is an attitude of escaping life rather than considering how I can bless life.
Anybody been through this?
Any outside advice?
Jack
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amoux
United Kingdom
266 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2010 : 04:52:20 AM
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Hi Jack
As I understand it, this 'distantness' is simply a passing stage - as we begin to sense and identify more with the Witness. It will pass. It did for me, for what that's worth  There was a tendency here for ego/personal self to attempt to highjack the blissful peace into something for itself - which then brought up guilt and irritation - and the drama, of course. But - there was also awareness that that was going on, and simply being aware of it, it started to shift. I did nothing specific to move it, just carried on as usual with my AYP practices - and the connectedness started to flow through and out - it doesn't simply stay rooted in the individual - it is a flow, not an attribute, if that makes sense.
You're attracted to doing a lot of different things - I understand that, as I've been there myself If I may venture a few words of advice, pick one approach and give it a conscientious shot for, say, six months. Then evaluate the experiences. You're not locked into it for life, but give it a fair shot. AYP practices work - if you do them consistently, self-pacing (of course) as necessary - but consistency is the key.
Best wishes to you. |
Edited by - amoux on May 27 2010 05:13:49 AM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2010 : 12:59:53 PM
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I don't want this enlightenment.
I must have some pretty heavy obstructions, or else kundalini is already active, or else my whole sense of identity is a combination of conflicting and insecure elements.
The other day after a few drinks I ended up unable to repress the pain and ended up telling my girlfriend about some of the pains and views I hold to regarding myself and my sense of distance from other people, and how too much meditation and hallucinogen use in the past had made it worse. She was very loving and I felt a real connection with her from having been honest.
A few days later, I end up feeling a pull to sit in DM. First thing I notice is that I feel way less connection with her and my sexual desire drops right down.
Just one minute or SBP and five minutes of DM once a day over the last two days has opened up a massive amount of pain, isolation and anxiety within.
I don't know how to navigate this. I don't particularly want this higher chakra energisation right now, just a clearing from some of the constant nastiness in my heart and torso.
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Edited by - Jack on Jun 03 2010 1:08:38 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2010 : 1:19:39 PM
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((((HUG))))
Take a break Jack, or at least cut back on practices big time (self pace). If spinal breathing is making you so uncomfortable, stop it for now. Maybe just do 5 min of meditation, if that feels comfortable.
Do fun stuff with family and friends and stay away from spirituality for a while. You will have an inner knowing of when to get back to practices. Like Yogani says this journey is a marathon, not a sprint.
So if at this point, things seem to make you uncomfortable, I would suggest, do grounding things like exercise and eat heavy. Also, have fun and take a break from spirituality if required.
Hope this helps.
Wish you all the best. |
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brother neil
USA
752 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2010 : 5:20:41 PM
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| have you tried the solar enhancement, as yogani writes, one of its aims to to get the energy out of the headhttp://www.aypsite.org/368.html |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2010 : 8:37:58 PM
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Hi Jack,
quote:
Originally posted by Jack
I don't want this enlightenment.
I must have some pretty heavy obstructions, or else kundalini is already active, or else my whole sense of identity is a combination of conflicting and insecure elements.
The other day after a few drinks I ended up unable to repress the pain and ended up telling my girlfriend about some of the pains and views I hold to regarding myself and my sense of distance from other people, and how too much meditation and hallucinogen use in the past had made it worse. She was very loving and I felt a real connection with her from having been honest.
A few days later, I end up feeling a pull to sit in DM. First thing I notice is that I feel way less connection with her and my sexual desire drops right down.
Just one minute or SBP and five minutes of DM once a day over the last two days has opened up a massive amount of pain, isolation and anxiety within.
I don't know how to navigate this. I don't particularly want this higher chakra energisation right now, just a clearing from some of the constant nastiness in my heart and torso.
"Less thinking .... more loving."
In my experience, enlightenment is a lot less like climbing a mountain, and a lot more like melting ....... in all the very best possible senses of the term; in the end, the only thing that melts away is all that is not true; all that was always dream, anyway.
It's experienced as painful, isolating and very disturbing for almost all of us ... but it doesn't necessarily have to be.
It's all that thinking, conjecture and resistance that makes for sadhana-related suffering.
Just relax, enjoy, breathe, love .... and then, when drawn to do so again ... just notice what you're naturally drawn to.
Enlightenment can't be avoided; it's what we are; the way t/here doesn't have to be painful .... practices just accelerate the process .... and resistance makes the process uncomfortable; practices and their effects without resistance aren't uncomfortable (please note: evaluation is resistance).
I can't tell you the last time I thought about chakras (higher, lower, whateverer ) .... truly deep meditation is just opening all the way .... dropping all resistance to the reality of our unity with all that is.
Isolation is the illusion; reality is ... and we are reality; just notice: there are no dividing lines anywhere, except in thinking.
Enlightenment is simply living without the distortions derived from artificial conditioning that tells us we're separate; enlightenment is experiencing oneness with all, and the simple original awareness we each and all are now.
Simply put: enlightenment is the utter freedom, and the perfect immersed loving oneness that is inherently free from the sense of disturbance you're experiencing.
(Meaning: if you want to feel loving connection with your girlfriend; if you want to feel peace; if you want to be free from "issues" ..... all that is in the direction of enlightenment).
However, it's not always by slogging through sadhana that we get there, and it's definitely not by slogging through sadhana past a certain point.
Ultimately, the biggest single step toward enlightenment we can ever take is to completely open, relax and let go ...... that's all enlightenment is: being ALL the way open; knowing that who and what we really are is awareness itself ... always all the way open.
We've never ever been the tinest bit apart from anything .... that's the dream, the illusion .... the lie.
We're all always already home.
Only thinking can make it seem otherwise.
Peace; I hope this is useful.
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
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Edited by - Kirtanman on Jun 03 2010 8:38:30 PM |
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Yo-yo'ing
