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ConsciousEvolution
India
29 Posts |
 Posted - May 08 2010 : 10:30:05 PM
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I have been experiencing a lot of pain in the last few days. I have been feeling a lot of deep loneliness and sadness. I’ve also been becoming increasingly aware of the extent to which I am in conflict with myself and the world. It’s almost as if I’m waging a silent war. On the outside I might appear like a calm and gentle person but within there’s a raging rebel. I’ve been becoming aware that under the guise of “observing” myself there is something that scrutinizes my each and every word and behavior and judges it and tries to control it. I’ve become aware of all of the jealousy and pettiness within: for instance at times I feel a lot of jealousy when I read posts in this forum, or talk with others on the path, or read spiritual books because of all of the wonderful things that people are going through and how it feels like I’ve never experienced something like that in my life. Sure, I feel inspired and glad for others but the jealousy is there and I’m tired of hiding behind the subterfuge, insincerity, and all of the belief-systems – as lofty and ideal as they may be – that prevent me from seeing where I am right now.
Until recently I was with a partner who is incredibly loving, supportive, and caring; nurturing in that beautiful and selfless way – loving unconditionally.
Alas, circumstances beyond our control have separated us for a period and now I’m not even sure whether or not we’ll even get back together because I have also been realizing that I am quite attached to her, even very attached to her, while that she is moving incredibly fast into Stillness, Presence, Joy, Bliss, and Peace. She feels that I need to take time now and explore things on my own, to which I wholeheartedly agree, but it’s still very difficult and I have a hard time seeing myself fit into the relationship with her because when I hear of these things (quietude, freedom) it feels so far away and I feel the jealousy within as well. She has no idea whether we’ll get together again or not and she’s completely okay with that but not because she’s indifferent – simply because she’s overflowing with Love and Grace and has made a profound peace with what is.
I’m weeping and my hands are trembling as I write this. I have been weeping quite a bit in the last few days.
I feel lost.
Yesterday, through playing with my three year-old nephew and practicing DM I realized that I don’t know how to let go. I simply don’t. I’m a control-freak. And these realizations hurt even though I feel that they are important. I feel a kind of malaise, dis-ease, and tension that pervade my existence because I can’t let go.
What’s happening to me? I don’t feel I’ve ever touched the Stillness or anything even remotely resembling that. I’ve been depressed throughout most of my life and yet I know individuals who have felt at one with God and a great sense of Stillness and Joy since the age of three. Why do things play out like that?
Anything that anyone would have to contribute would be highly appreciated.
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sagebrush
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2010 : 11:22:29 PM
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I want to respond because in reading your post, I feel as though I can relate to your feelings..and in reading your words, I cried to/for myself.
I also think that it would be good to continue to play with your three year old nephew and enjoy him.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. |
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mattb23
Australia
99 Posts |
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rce
USA
50 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 11:17:46 AM
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| Thanks Mattb23, I enjoyed watching those videos. |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 1:51:34 PM
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You are closer to the the truth of who you are than you can possibly imagine.
Accept what is there. Accept your jealousy and sadness, your need to control, your loneliness, your inability to let go, be with those thoughts and feelings and love them. When you do, it will be obvious they have no power, they are just thoughts, but as long as you are in conflict with them, the longer you deny and push them away, the more their power grows and this shapes the reality of your life.
You can already identify those thoughts, letting go is not denying the thoughts or trying to stop the thoughts it is total acceptance of the thoughts.
For instance you are frightened and you think you should not feel fear. You try and push the fear away and tough it out, but the fear grows more strongly inspite of everything you attempt. Accept the fear totally, love it, you can pay attention to it as long as you accept and love it. In the light of your acceptance and love the fear diminishes because it is no longer fed and watered by your negative energy and so it ceases to be.
Do this with every negative thought and uncomfortable emotion. The storm will cease and the truth will peak through between the clouds.
Surrender, stop fighting, give in and be the perfect creature that you really are and have always been. The more discomfort and suffering you feel, the more reason to take that tiny step and discover the part you have been acting all these years. |
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 2:56:18 PM
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Hi Karl, agree totally that it is the negative energy that gives the thought power. As Mooji says thoughts don't have power, unless you give them. thank you Matt for the links!
The only thing I'd like to add is the wisdom all of you showed is based on your abiding inner silence. Without it, you just cannot but give these thoughts power, positively or negatively. I had many personal experiences of fighting them in vain, accepting them in vain, before I meditate. Once witness has grown with meditation, wisdom with shine from within, and all these thoughts fall like autumn leaves from the trunk of our being. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 3:38:10 PM
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Hi Conscious 
I agree absolutely with what karl says. There are many thoughts and feelings that can pop up, and they sometimes do more strongly when purification is occurring either because of aftereffects of spiritual practice or because something else has let things open up. This is great!! go with it. the fastest way to go through it is not resist it, not try to hide from it. just relax and let the things come up and out, remember you are safe, just relax and it will soon pass. Also remember that if something comes up from within that means that it was somewhere inside the nervous system already, and it's just coming up for cleansing. You can be with things as they are, even if it's resistance to what's going on. You'll get through it with a brighter vision when it goes Hope you get through it fast.
Yonatan |
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ConsciousEvolution
India
29 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 3:57:28 PM
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Wow, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy reading all of this Thank you all!
The storm has abated and I've had a wonderful afternoon and evening with a lot of space and clarity.
I'm still learning how to do this (or rather, "be That") but what you all spoke about - that's exactly what I did!
It started coming up (Cessation of Drama) before I had seen the Mooji clips (thank you so much mattb23!!!) and when I did it just dropped me right into Presence and I was compelled to smile and laugh. The negative and anxious thoughts kept coming but I simply observed them and they gradually lost their force. Since then I've experienced a very pleasant state of calmness. It's different than happiness, or at least what I would call happiness, because it's lacking that nervousness. I've even had moments of catching my thoughts and how humorous they can be when I stop giving them importance.
What a gift! One resists these plunges into oneself and labels the different emotions as "negative" but in fact they can be great teachers and can bring us to soar even higher and experience life more fully!
If we negate one-thing then we negate every-thing!
Joy and Presence,
CE. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 4:11:43 PM
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Hi ConsciousEvolution
You have received a lot of good advice already and I don't have a whole lot to add....just a little  .
I personally went through a period which was likely kinda similar to what you are going through in regards to separating with your partner. I was VERY attached to her (this was long before I ever started a yoga or meditation practice....during a time when I was still shooting large quantities of drugs everyday, and in fact had just tried to commit suicide via overdose and was actually in the psych ward at a hospital during this experience) and our separation seemed unbearable to me at the time. What I found helped me to "let go" was allowing myself to fully feel my emotions surrounding this, to cry and yell (to myself of course) and cry some more. I cried for three days straight....literally. I never left my room in the hospital, didn't eat a thing, hardly slept, I just cried and cried and allowed myself to feel the pain of "being alone". What happened on the third day was amazing. I eventually hit a point where no more tears would flow....and that's when the Silence hit the strongest I had ever felt (at that point). I couldn't think, I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything but BE (silent). This was the beginning of end of this period of my life. From that point on I had "tasted Silence" and I wanted nothing more then to get back there and to live from that place permanently. I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling right now, in full, and to let these feelings flow through you.
I want to wish you a speedy passing of this hard time, and want to remind you that "Struggle creates Opening"....this time is actually a blessing as these times are what build character and help us find a deeper connection to Inner Silence.
Blessings and Love.
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 01:32:52 AM
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| Dear ConsciousEvolution - I would like to add something else... take all these strong, deep, passionate emotions and turn them into bakti / into your love of That and stick to your twice daily practice of AYP ! Turn the longing for her into a longing for That |
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mattb23
Australia
99 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 06:20:11 AM
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Hello again,
CE, thank you for sharing your beautiful breakthrough with us!
The greatest realization the Self-realized Advaita Vedanta masters have given me is the body & mind are merely instruments of Self i.e. slaves to the Self. It's only when we've identified with them as being 'me' that we fall into the illusion of suffering.
I've only began this study of Advaita Vedanta very recently & began experimenting with Self-enquiry. The results have been wonderful.
I can relate to exactly what you mean when you said lacking that 'nervousness'. It's been the same with them me, & when such feelings/thoughts, do come on the radar I don't give them attention & use it as a queue for Self-enquiry e.g. by simply asking Who am I? (as Sri Ramana advises) or focusing on the I Am presence/feeling.
These aren't 'thinking' exercises. They are awareness exercises.
Such simple practices direct the mind 'inward' i.e. beyond the mind, body & emotions.
When we realize we are not the body or the mind, we quickly come to know our emotions are merely the reaction of our body to our mind i.e. not real.
That's in itself is an incredibly liberating awareness.
RCE & Philaboston, you're welcome. Thank you.
Love,
Matt
P.S. Here is another beautiful clip from Mooji:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZaCnyMN-Zw br / |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 06:00:10 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by ConsciousEvolution
I've even had moments of catching my thoughts and how humorous they can be when I stop giving them importance.
 The best kept secret. One thing that is never really mentioned amongst all the talk of peace and bliss is the laughter that goes along with it.
When I see that you write that I know you are getting it. I also see that humour in others writing which allows me to understand how they have found this to be the case.
Take Albert Einstein:
“Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy.” |
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ConsciousEvolution
India
29 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2010 : 2:48:22 PM
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Hey Everybody,
Once again, thank you so much for all of your wonderful support.
A lot has transpired since I last wrote.
I´ve realized that I have created all of the suffering and drama behind the external appearances. Behind what I "thought" was happening. I have tried to abide by "ideals" and "belief-systems" that were simply impossible and irrelevant for me at the time. I tried to get over my "attachment" and to force myself to be something I'm not. I was afraid to be hurt, to live, so I thought I would do better by withdrawing, by putting myself in a "better" position. And in the process of that I hurt myself and my partner.
It was all a fantasy, a hoax.
I was hard on myself. Tough. I didn't let myself be. I didn't accept myself. I suffered tremendously and shed many tears.
But that's all fine. Really. It happened.
I've come out of it more aware, observant. Accepting myself as I am. There's more mirth and laughter and joy within. I'm smiling more...
My partner and I have never felt so close. We may be physically apart but that doesn't seem to matter now.
Even "attachment" can be a beautiful and profound thing. Nothing seems to need to be rejected. Everything can be consecrated and loved and embraced.
The world is a mirror. If I look for pain and anguish I'll find that at every corner. If I smile at it and be playful then it will shimmer and sparkle and vibrate joyously.
There is still pain, confusion, doubt, uncertainty, anguish, attachment, jealousy, and myriad of other emotions.
But so what... Why not enjoy them too? Every one of them is potentiall the greatest teacher I've ever had.
Perhaps the only thing that seems to be "constant" is practicing AYP twice a day...
Joy and Love,
CE |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2010 : 4:14:18 PM
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Dude....CE.....wow. You got it man. I'm beaming for you...for me....for us...for All . It makes my heart swell so big to read this post. Thank you _/\_
Love!
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2010 : 8:07:56 PM
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Hi ConsciousEvolution,
I can relate to some of your experiences. One thing that might actually help in your path is enquiry. Like many others on this forum, I've found Byron Katie's "The Work" to be very effective in examining our thoughts/emotions/everything in a loving and critical way. Check it out at thework.com. Hope it helps.
kami |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2010 : 02:35:37 AM
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Hey man, keep up the good fight. Its good to see that you've been feeling better.
As Karl said, you are closer to your goal than you may realize. Take this instant to LET GO. You don't need to try and control things... because you can't actually control them, its an illusion, so just let go of them!
Believe, the crisis is the opportunity! |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - May 19 2010 : 6:11:36 PM
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Hi Conscious,
Good to hear that your experiencing calmness, really good.
I wish you to experience that and more a thousandfold and beyond!!
(Hug) |
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Painful Realizations and Confusion
