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benucci
Germany
9 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 12:06:25 PM
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Hello to all in this forum and anybody who can help me maybe :)
My whole history is very weird and extreme, but I want to share it with you!
I am 24 years old and lately I had dramatic experiences which threw my worldview I had before a little bit out of balance. I write here in this forum, because I feel this is the only place, where I maybe find an answer. Before these experiences occurred, I was intensely interested in all kinds of psychology,religion and philosophy finally drawn especially towards Jesus, Buddha,Jiddu Krishnamurti and Ramana Maharshi. I resonate extreme with the character Ricky Fitts from American Beauty and the character from the movie Into The Wild, if you know these movies. My philosophical questions and the travel inwards started maybe 2 years ago during my travel in australia I was 2 years there and made loads of intense meetings with interesting characters. I living into the day like a little kid and speaking to every stranger. I dont have these borders to people and everybody is for me a little kid anyway. I had an extreme sense of self humour which I applied and stripped down my social identity to the core maybe. I was unsatisfied with lies so I got really interested in the book radical honesty, which I applied for quite a long time.
I had no personal discipline at all, living into the day without constraint. I went trough sexual desires, social desires( good self image :), had heaps of party nights and meeting all kinds of people.
After I came back to germany and in this culture its hard to keep this kind of lifestyle going, but I did and wanted to have a better honest relationship with my parents, we talked a lot and all the conditions superimposed by my parents before my travel started to crack down, I had in this time a great sense of fear in me during the day, because of my personality and I was scared of people, who have In my eyes built up an false identity in their culture, I was a scared little kid who had a great sense of feeling others, especially my girlfriends I always quit because they seemed somewhat unnatural and having conditions for me to be together with them. I was intensely lonely inside and told my girlfriend, when she asked me what I really want, that I just want to be loved unconditionally to be honest. I was always sceptical about others intentions, because for me they seemed to lie, if they cant admit, that they need unconditional love aswell. Maybe I was weird at that time, but my words came very spontanious and were honest.
Anyways in this time I was intensely lonely and stayed alone in my room, trying a few techniques from Ramana Maharsi Self Inquiry to relax and I felt already this deep silence. I didnt know anything about the higher self in these days, just intelectually and I was very drawn to the idea of enlightenment, as everything in daily life I already experienced and enlightnement was the only thing I am interested in. One night I was lying in my bed with intense feelings of sadness and fear about the future in my current state. Ijust decided to drop all search from now on and do normal things in daily life. The next day I went to a dance contest, sitting in the audience and watching the spectacle. Suddenly my eyes became fixed and there was this intense release of amazing feelings inside the body, The body was somewhat unmovable and I was sitting a while unmoving and witnessing the event, it was this intense freedom and after a while I got up and walked around. I was in complete freedom and this abnormal silence everywhere around me, people where talking but it seemed, that I dont have anymore interpretations on them, it seemed that everything is just happening, I was just looking in my eyes for the first time how it really is, everybody seemed so peaceful and deep inside a good person who suffers a lot, but everybody is good deep inside I was reflecting. I was reflecting, that I am just a body mind organism, who functions through a higher force somwhat, I was thinking the search is over, I had to laugh a lot.
I was reflecting that matter develops on its own, but we think we can control everything trough our free will, which is an illusion, as matter cant be controlled by free will!
After this event there were 8 days of total freedom from any outside condition and it seemd to me just happening by itself.
My father asked me what comes next and I said I dont know and had to laugh, be he was shocked a bit.
During these 8 days I had several other strange happenings.
First I had an intense current release at my brain stem which was extremely pleasant and I automatically moved into a yoga posture maybe. I had to go down with my head to the floor and this happened automatically.
Then lately I went out with friends and suddenly I had white flickering lights in front of me.
Then which is very strange all the time I meet people they sniff with their nose? Its very weird to me all.
My personality imo is for me weird, people seem to be so nice and helpful, which I didnt notice before, but I seem to be like a baby who is born, I always ask really and intelectual content is somewhat a lot of stress for me now. I need to integrate into normal life again, but I somewhat try to avoid university as all these concepts overpower me. Sometimes I think I become stupid or so and I have abit concern about my future now. I also hope Iam not schizophrenic.
Its like that I really dont know whats happening from now on and this is a bit scary :)
What is this am I insane?
Otherwise people come to me all the time and approach me and are nice and beautiful things are happening, but I dont have anymore this sense of control? I can decide to do something but its more like I learn new how to walk. And I just want to cuddle and be accepted how I am, I dont understand why people do all these things in their life?
There is everything here, but people want to do so many things but not cuddling? Whats that?
Its hard for me to do complicated tasks, I just listen to music and go in the student place to watch people or try to cuddle and listen to them?But they always have projects and I need some money aswell to afford food:) Sometimes I also dont put my focus on my surroundings as its not interesting me, if people go about their business, why do they do that? I am very confused, just wanna make party with everybody and cuddle be accepted :)
When I go out I often get very drunk which is maybe bad and I go to everybody in the club and push my finger in their waist smile and say Becks( a german beer), last time I did that aswell on the train station in the morning rush hour, pushing my finger into every stranger and said Becks and the police came and I said to them I want to remind the people on the moment and the police said its okay I can continue :) Funny:)
I trust everybody to help me out what I can do from now on, but sometimes I dont understand their motives and then I dont do it?
My life is very weird?
Can anybody help me maybe?
Thank you very much! |
Edited by - benucci on Apr 21 2010 12:47:47 PM |
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Chiron
Russia
397 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 3:29:00 PM
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You don't need help you are doing fine. The world is insane, not us. But we'll fix it don't worry.
Becks lol. |
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wakeupneo
USA
171 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 4:34:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chiron
You don't need help you are doing fine. The world is insane, not us. But we'll fix it don't worry.
Becks lol.
Sometimes I wonder if I've become more insane as a result of spiritual practice;) |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 4:42:17 PM
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Sanity is relative. If there were only one human being on the planet would it be possible for he/she to be insane? Nope. Only when there are two or more people and when one person's state of mind is compared against another can one be declared sane and the other insane.
Love!
P.S> To read a pretty in depth analysis on "sanity/insanity" perhaps consider checking out the book "Lila"....it's the sequel to "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" by Robert Pirsig |
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benucci
Germany
9 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 4:48:05 PM
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anybody knows about these experiences of non dual reality?
and a dont know state regarding concepts after :) |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2010 : 7:57:36 PM
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Welcome to the AYP forums Benucci. 
What you experienced is a spiritual opening... a blessing if you may call it so. In order to make the best of this, I would recommend you get into a structured spiritual practice so you don't experience these experiences sporadically, but in a smooth steady manner.
If you have not already done so read the AYP deep meditation lesson. Also, start reading from here to get a feel for why structured practices can help and what you can do to get into a structured routine.
Wish you all the best. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 12:55:06 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chiron
You don't need help you are doing fine. The world is insane, not us. But we'll fix it don't worry.
Becks lol.
Chiron - that's the best laugh I've had in weeks ! Thank you!
Benucci - Wilkommen. Do follow Shanti's advice to gain some control on this. Know that you are not alone. |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 11:37:50 AM
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Yes, feeling out of balance, disrupted, seperated. This is how it felt for me. AYP meditation can help give that progress some specific direction and single mindedness so that you spend as little time as possible in your current condition.
That doesn't mean it will get better more likely you could feel worse before things improve, but you will spend less time with that diluted feeling and make faster progress (which for me meant that it quickly got a lot worse until the fever broke  ).
Once you have the desire then that is all that is needed, even when you don't quite understand what it is that is 'desired' because it has no logical, material form. A few tips and you see that your Guru is showing you the way. |
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benucci
Germany
9 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 1:51:44 PM
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Thank You for all your kind responses and I will consider regular practice, I have already the Advanced Yoga practices book, but for really practicing it would be maybe better togo to a good yoga teacher.
To Karl:
'even when you don't quite understand what it is that is 'desired' because it has no logical, material form'
I resonate with Jiddu Krishnamurti with his message. I had this non dual experience of who I am and I can confidently say that I am life itself or the world. Concepts are for me created by the mind conditioned from the whole history of humanity. Its not my brain its the brain of humanity. All this I understand not but 100% from direct experience. So in concepts spoken there are several teachings, which all lead to the same thing and any form of guruism or dogma I cannot support. So AYP is also a the guru is in you approach which I resonate with. Yoga is a way of improving body health issues and calming the mind. In my case the mind had ceased to be and the direct perception of truth was seen. There is in me no fear of death, so what is there more to achieve I am wondering, I know who Iam from the base and know thought is not anymore used from habit. Because the fallacy of all mind concepts is seen trough and one knows that it creates conflict, there is a tendency now to let it pass and try to look directly. So in concepts or giving my thoughts I have seen the Kingdom of God within and I am eager to explore it know in the world and the people. From habit I am still very unhealthy because I smoke and go out very often and this tends to create
unpleasant feelings in the body so I interested in a more healthy way of living and Yoga should suit.
But I quite dont understand why there should be an escape into meditation? Isnt the Iam mantra just a form of deconditioning thoughts upto the belief Iam, for the nondual realization of who you are?
It is really that I dont understand a lot of things regarding yoga, like all these visions and stuff like that? Isnt this just an experience based upon, that the gurus told you thats gonna happen?
I like the things written about that you become innocent like a child, because thats a way Iam experiencing life in the moment kind of, everybody is nice and helpful, but reagarding concepts I really dont know, because the fallacy of it is seen trough. I am not helpless in a way that I suffer much, I have this joy without reason and I feel for people who havent found this yet and constantly seeking something.
But isnt this quite normal and should be the way, that you feel for another? I am suspicious about systems where you escape into blissful imaginations, but you loose the seeing of how things are in the world? or ?
Regardless thank you for your help a lot and I really dont know and want to learn about these things from you all and it is definetely a fact that I am not functioning well in the body so there is not so much energy for ecstatic conductivity, than I had in these 8 days.
Maybe yoga is just a way to make this experience into 24 Hours, when the body nervous system is balanced? As I dont know if this is normal, but not knowing what one wants out of life conceptually is a new way of experiencing life than before, because now there is this deep inner silence and joy and not this search anymore and an strong urge to integrate this into life to tell the people not to run anymore? Do you know what I mean?
I want people to bring people in the moment through laughs or deep lsitening giving them a sense of love, but really I want them to discover, what I discovered, so they dont run anmyore so much with their self image after happiness in concepts or the future! And in conversation I have to plain say, that I dont know how to react to the pain stories everbody is involved in, I try to listen deep, but I cant give really a conceptual adice on that, I do it but it is just to keep conversation going and giving a feeling of understanding, but I feel better, when somebody is at least honest about their suffering or if they can be joyful, without being self conscious. Doy you can relate to that?
Thank you so much for your advice and helpful suggestions, if I can bring discipline I will try to do it, but from habit I am the most undisciplined person on earth, just like a child :)
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Edited by - benucci on Apr 27 2010 3:43:40 PM |
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PrixG
Switzerland
1 Posts |
Posted - Mar 22 2012 : 11:36:53 AM
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| I think you are blessed. You would probably not need to train for a long time to have the benefits of a 24 hours "bliss" state. I read a book called "Living with the Himalayan Masters" and their life was like that, the guru teaches the people and they bring him food, and they live in a cave... and they are happy living a simple life. |
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Extreme experiences lately!
