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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 12:38:30 PM
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Namaste Friends!
Been wondering about this one for a while now so I figured I would start a thread and see if any of you out there have any advice, or suggestions on this subject.
What has recently become a small issue in my household is that my wife feels as though I love everyone as much as I love her, and that the only difference between my relationship with her and my relationship with anyone else is that we engage in sexual relations and I don't with anyone else (nor do I have any desire to). In a way though, she is right. I feel an extreme amount of love for everyone, and I am not very afraid to show it. She has picked up on this recently (specifically because I have been counselling a few people as of late who happen to be attractive women) and it has become a bit of a "jealous issue" in my home. I am usually pretty good at reassuring her when she has issues like this, but this one seems to be sticking around purely because, well, I DO love everyone.
Recently I left my Facebook account open on the computer at home, and my wife decided she wanted to read some of the messages that had been sent to me. One of the messages was from one of the lady's I am "counselling" and in the message the lady wrote "I love you" (in a purely "thank you for your help, I love you as a friend" kind of way) and this really started the "downhill slide" for my wife. I have only met this woman once in person, although there is a fairly regular flow of email communication happening, my wife just can't wrap her head around the fact that someone who has only met me once, could say "I love you" to me. This has really bothered her ever since, and has definitely turned into a jealousy thing for her now (as she lets her mind run wild with it). I totally love my wife, I would never "cheat" on her, I have no desire to be with anyone else intimately, and I do everything I can to reassure her that she has nothing to fear, but this doesn't seem to be helping. I really can't "turn off" the love I feel for humanity as a whole, and I have zero desire to "hide" this love for everyone, but it seems to be causing issues and I wonder if there isn't a "better" way for me to go about loving All that doesn't cause my wife to be upset. I konw this is "her issue", but we are "partners" so her issues become (at least superficially) mine. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated....I seem to be too close to the situation to see any solutions.
Thank you.
Love!
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Edited by - CarsonZi on Mar 04 2010 12:44:43 PM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 1:28:21 PM
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Hi Carson,
I think you know the solution to any thinking problem: LOVE.
Maybe you can be OK with how your wife acts and thinks?
Maybe if you are OK with it maybe she will also be OK with it and be able to let go of the worries?
Cause a karmic thing is both ways.
Just thinking..
LOVE, Hug
Yonatan |
Edited by - Yonatan on Mar 04 2010 1:29:21 PM |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 1:46:12 PM
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Dear Carson,
I think she has the problem (jelous),not you.I think the poblem is inside her.In any way,i think she has a problem with her own security in your relationship,and she should work with it.You can help her also.
Is very important to consider that you souldnt change for nobody and nobody should change for you.
hope it helps.
I think you need to work together in that aspect of your relationship.I think there are thinks hidden in the sadows between you and her.
Remember that this situation,closely simmilar happened to you several months ago with her,when she read you ayp posts.
It seems that she cant trust in you and she constantly needs a proof or validation that youre not being a "bad boy".This is not good for both of you.
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Edited by - miguel on Mar 04 2010 1:53:08 PM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 1:46:24 PM
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Hey Yonatan
quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
I think you know the solution to any thinking problem: LOVE.
Hahaha....actually it is Love that is causing the problem here  .... and it's not like there is a shortage of love shown to her, she just doesn't like that I show equal amount of love (in some ways) to everyone....I think she wants to feel that she is "special" to me in some way....she wants to feel that I love her more then I love anyone else....which just isn't possible now....I Love everyone and everything unconditionally, and have a hard time differentiating between people now....everyone is seen as Self and is loved as Self...including my wife.
quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Maybe you can be OK with how your wife acts and thinks?
Oh, I am ok with how she acts and thinks....like I said in the above post, her problems are (only) superficially my problems.... In a way I actually have to fein interest in these problems as they seem so trivial now....very obviously the overworking of the mind. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but I can't change the way she see's things for her...she has to do that herself. All I can do (that I can see) is continue to show her unconditional love no matter what and hope that her meditation practice eventually leads her to the realization that this problem only exists because she is believing the thought that "she should be special" to me....that I should love her more then anyone else. I really don't have the option at this point to stop loving everyone else as much as I love her, and this is what she desires.....but it isn't possible now.
quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Maybe if you are OK with it maybe she will also be OK with it and be able to let go of the worries?
Doesn't seem to be working like that so far....hopefully in the future this will be the case. What is happening is she will begin telling me that she feels like I love everyone as much as I love her, and that the only difference between our relationship and my relationship with anyone else is that we are sexually intimate. I will listen to her explain the problem, and lovingly accept her and the problem, and then try to explain that to me there is no difference between anyone, and that I do love All the same, but that I have chosen to be life partners with her, and that I am happy to have her as my wife and that I have no desire to "be" with anyone else. This doesn't seem to be helping things, but I need to be honest and open with her, and I just hope that eventually she can understand that this really doesn't need to be a problem, that it is just the mind running wild. But, so far this doesn't seem to be happening.
Thanks for the advice Brother _/\_
Love!
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 1:55:28 PM
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| The best solution for her: more dm practice and byron katie. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 1:56:40 PM
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Hey Miguel
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
I think she has the problem (jelous),not you.I think the poblem is inside her.
Yes, this is for sure "her" issue.... and it is indeed an issue of jealousy that exists in her mind only. But she IS my partner and I would like to do all I can to appease her feelings of insecurity, but in a way that is actually possible. Asking me to stop loving everyone else so much is just not possible.
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
In any way,i think she has a problem with her own security in your relationship,and she should work with it.You can help her also.
Yes, this is an issue of insecurity. She has told me several times that she has always worried that I would find someone I am more spiritually intune with to replace her with and that she would be left alone. I would not do that to her, I have no need for external connection with anyone (which is also part of the problem here) as the inner connection is more then enough, but she is still filled with feelings of insecurity. All I can figure to do is continue to love her unconditionally and try to reassure her that I am not going anywhere, but this doesn't seem to be helping much. I think the fact that this doesn't upset me makes her a little crazy too. She wants me to get upset, which just isn't happening.... I just don't feel upset!
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
Is very important to consider that you souldnt change for nobody and nobody should change for you.
Yes, for sure. I'm am certainly not trying to "change" her (although I am trying to help her find some clarity here, but she certainly does want me to change (on some level). And that just isn't going to happen.
Do I just wait this out and hope that her meditation practice will bring her to a less "jealous" perspective?
Love!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 2:03:58 PM
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Hi again Miguel
quote:
Originally posted by miguel
The best solution for her: more dm practice and byron katie.
I totally agree, but at the same time, her meditation practice is causing some of these issues as well. Last night she expressed to me some upset feelings over the fact that she doesn't feel like she is getting as much (as fast) out of the DM practice as one of the girls (the one she read the FB message from) I am "counselling". In the message she read about me giving the girl the instructions for samyama, which I had not yet explained in as much detail to her yet, and this increased the feelings that she is not progressing as fast as others (specifically this one girl) and that I will soon move on to wanting to be with someone who is more "spiritually advanced". Again I tried to reassure her that her meditation practice is fine, that people progress differently and require different practices at different times of their journey, and that samyama was a practice that would really help this girl, but this did not make her feel any better. And again, the fact that I am not getting upset over all this is causing even more inner turmoil for my wife.... she wants to see fire explode from my head as this is how things would have gone in the past.....and that just isn't going to happen anymore. I truly hope that she can find peace with this all, and I hope she can find it soon.... the suffering is intense for her right now and I wish I could end it.
Love!
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 2:22:45 PM
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quote:
Do I just wait this out and hope that her meditation practice will bring her to a less "jealous" perspective?
Yyes,this is definitely a good way to act.Inner silence will help both of you a LOT.
quote:
And again, the fact that I am not getting upset over all this is causing even more inner turmoil for my wife....
This is good.Vvery good.When she demanding some reaction from you shes looking for a short term release...over the long term it doesnt help both of you.
But you stay quiet,so like a mirror your silent presence remind her that it is a problem she needs to deal with.So...this makes the solution more easy and near cz now she observe that its a problem between her and her inner guru (God bless meditation).
I understand your wife.I had the same problems before meditation with friends,girls,family...and they have not dissapeared yet.
Now i begin to understand that i was egocentric and like a child.I simply didnt know to listen to the external environment and inner guru.I always listened to my own ego,my own mental movies.
This is probably due to a lack of love and attention at some moment of her life (maybe childhood).Not sure,but this is the problem here i think.(im not Freud).
Ttell her that shes a very beautiful being like you always do.Im sure that your are already bringing her enough benefits to her life .She only needs to learn to walk alone sometimes.Not easy task when you have this problem,but she needs to fight with this and find her own strenght.
Hope it helps Carson.I think this is a very usual problem for many people and not easy to manage.In my experience dm is changing it,but its a long term process.
Be patient with her.
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Edited by - miguel on Mar 04 2010 2:31:59 PM |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 2:23:08 PM
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Carson,
I don't think that there is an easy solution to your problem. It is unlikely that you will be able to get her to see your broader perspective. All Individuals/Ego's want to be perceived as special. I would suggest that you do something special for her to show that you care (maybe a Romantic date). I believe that the only solution is the passage to time showing that you will not leave her.
I have a similar situation and have found that just little things that show I still care helps her the most.
Regards. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 2:33:24 PM
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Hey Carson,
Well I hope things will get better.
And much Love to you too my friend.
And you already know everything you need to make the best of it..
_/\_ |
Edited by - Yonatan on Mar 04 2010 2:40:58 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 3:08:22 PM
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Give her a break. She is pregnant.
Everything is a bigger deal now... hormones galore!!!
This too shall pass. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 3:14:22 PM
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Thanks for all the helpful advice everyone....greatly appreciated.
@Miguel:
quote:
Be patient with her.
Yes, this is key for sure. Patience is one thing I have been always been short on up until pretty recently (it's amazing how living from a place of unconditional love seems to solve all internal problems....unconditional love = patience [and more!]) and is something I need to remember to be conscious of. It probably doesn't help that my wife is 6.5 months pregnant and the hormones are going strong ..... I have a feeling that sometimes she knows that she is being irrational but just can't seem to "snap out of it" because the hormones are pushing her hard in the "crazy" direction hahaha.
@Jeff: Great advice my friend. I have been very busy lately (just got possession of our new home and have done an intense amount of renovations in the evenings over the past week and a half and have had very little time for anything other then work, renos and teaching yoga, so..... probably would be a good thing to take her out for a romantic date or bring her home some flowers. Thanks for reminding me that it is often the little things that make the biggest difference. Thank you.
@Yonatan: Yes, I am in a place where it is easy for me to "make the best of this", but that doesn't really make things much easier for her...in fact it probably makes it harder. This too shall pass
Thanks everyone!
Love!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 3:15:55 PM
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Hahaha....we crossposted Shanti....and said basically the same thing Gotta love it when that happens!
Love ya!
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 3:38:23 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Hahaha....we crossposted Shanti....and said basically the same thing Gotta love it when that happens!
Love ya!
oyyyyyy!!! You like living on the edge don't ya!!!! |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 3:40:44 PM
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Actually I just like living period. But the edge is cool too. hehehe.
Love!
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 4:16:40 PM
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Hi Carson
Thanks for sharing
I feel for both of you. It is as you say not an easy situation for your wife to be in, and pregnancy will definitely enlarge any identification with the patterns that we already ride with. But luckily, it is also that kind of challenges that makes one mature. It's not just your baby....all three of you are blooming into new manifestations. Your wife is a mother now, and you are a father and also a father-mother to the AYP courses you run. Beautiful!
Anyway....not much to say other than this:
Compassion is often very simple. It usually has nothing to do with what we say....but much to do with what we do. So I second the ones here who suggested that you treat her a little extra. Since not feeling special is what she is struggelig with. You know....take her out to a special place that you haven't been to in a long time. Or buy her one single rose. Sit her down and sing her a song when she least expects it. Light a candle one night and say a prayer with her. Not to make too much of it....just a little "cup" now and then of some good old fashioned.....magic
And then trust that she will find the courage to face her own deamons independant of you. That she will one day taste that we are all special manifestations of One Love. You are her space for that, and she will develop a similar space for you...just as she is now challenging your sense of harmony......she just needs more time. She also needs more love. Especially the unconditional one. Stay calm like you do and let her slowly get used to the fact that you love everyone 
And then maybe give her this:
On Marriage
Kahlil Gibran
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Much love to the three of you
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 4:19:42 PM
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 4:26:47 PM
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Aaaaaahhhhh......thank you Katrine, that was beautiful....brought tears to my eyes. 
Thank you for your wise words coming obviously from deep in Silence.
Love!
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2010 : 6:25:36 PM
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| wow...beautiful,inspiring...deep. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 02:01:38 AM
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I can't help being a little against here... =)
It is possible that it's only her problem and that you are truly True all the time. However, if you were - you would not have to ask advice in a topic! *I am totally convinced of this*
So my conclusion is that you still have ego structures working, Carson. And ego structures/mind/ego in Man manifests as negative emotion in Woman.
It can be that she is processing a lot of old junk - not only from you/your past behaviour, but from all men she's ever met, and that you are clean enough to just hold her in this cleansing (as suggested by many above).
However, I would NOT throw out the possibility that you might have some ego interest in "loving all" people. I know of several men who think they are "there", and then when an attractive woman comes along - they flip back to mind/desire and the woman by their side flips immediately into emotional turmoil. It's a very, very distinct relationship between the state of man's mind and woman's emotions.
That does not take away her responsibility of taking care of her emotions, and since she's pregnant, that's a huge thing. You are her best support in that.
I would scrutinize myself, though, if I were you, and really see where that attraction to others goes... Is it a need to show it? Is that ego wanting something? |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 03:27:49 AM
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Dear CarsonZ,
I have found the men's responses to your predicament highly amusing and recommend - forget what the men are saying (sorry guys! but it's true), they will lead you astray. I thought of adding some real advice but prefer to stick to this:
"Tie her shoes, man, remember to tie her shoes"
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 11:34:37 AM
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Hi emc
quote:
Originally posted by emc
I can't help being a little against here... =)
Sure! Awesome! All perspectives are warmly welcomed!
quote:
Originally posted by emc
It is possible that it's only her problem and that you are truly True all the time. However, if you were - you would not have to ask advice in a topic! *I am totally convinced of this*
Well, I can promise you that I am "True" to my wife in every way. I have zero desire to be with anyone else.
The reason I am here asking advice is (as I said above) because she is suffering over this, and I would like to be able to help her have some clarity here so that she is not continuing to suffer. Everything I have been trying so far has not helped.....although bringing her home some flowers and a poem last night helped I think.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
So my conclusion is that you still have ego structures working, Carson.
I can guarantee you that I still have ego structures working.  Would never claim to have no ego. The ego is still very present here, although it IS usually seen as ego and it is getting easier by the day to not engage with it.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
And ego structures/mind/ego in Man manifests as negative emotion in Woman.
Hmmmmm....... I have a feeling that ego structures/mind/ego in Woman cause negative emotions in Woman.....and the same goes for Man. I don't think it is fair to blame external people or circumstances for our negative emotions.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
It can be that she is processing a lot of old junk - not only from you/your past behaviour, but from all men she's ever met, and that you are clean enough to just hold her in this cleansing (as suggested by many above).
Yes, I have a feeling that at least part of the problem is her processing "old junk". I don't believe it has anything to do with her past men, but I DO believe that it is likely to do with her childhood and feeling like she was not worthy of Love from her parents.....and they certainly reinforced this feeling in her for a long time....still are in fact. It could be any number of things, but I have a feeling this is playing into it at least subconsciously.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
However, I would NOT throw out the possibility that you might have some ego interest in "loving all" people.
Sure.... there's always a possibility, and it is probably something I should inquire into....and will. But as it stands now, there is nothing looking to be gained from loving all. It is not something I am consciously doing even.... I just genuinely feel unconditional love for everyone.... how could you not!? Humanity is such a remarkable/amazing/Divine thing, that I can't help but feel deeply connected to each and every one of us. We each are truly Divine in spirit and it is hard to miss that these days.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
I know of several men who think they are "there", and then when an attractive woman comes along - they flip back to mind/desire and the woman by their side flips immediately into emotional turmoil. It's a very, very distinct relationship between the state of man's mind and woman's emotions.
No one external can make us feel anything. All is choice.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
That does not take away her responsibility of taking care of her emotions, and since she's pregnant, that's a huge thing. You are her best support in that.
In this situation I would say I am her only support. Which is why it feels important to me to be of service here and not just let her try to figure things out on her own.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
I would scrutinize myself, though, if I were you, and really see where that attraction to others goes...
There is certainly still "attraction to others" here....and I don't believe that that will ever go.....but IME it does change form. Now I see people I would never have thought to label as "beautiful" or "attractive" before, as overwhelmingly Divine and stunningly beautiful. But not in a sexual or in a "surface" way. All are seen as "attractive".
quote:
Originally posted by emc
Is it a need to show it? Is that ego wanting something?
No, there is no need to show it..... but it does often show itself. In ways I don't think could ever be misconstrued as sexual, but I could be wrong here.....I will begin an indepth inquiry into this. Thank you for your advice emc.....it is greatly appreciated. _/\_
Love!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 11:41:14 AM
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Hi SeySorciere
quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
I have found the men's responses to your predicament highly amusing and recommend - forget what the men are saying (sorry guys! but it's true), they will lead you astray. I thought of adding some real advice but prefer to stick to this:
"Tie her shoes, man, remember to tie her shoes"
Hahahaha.....what's funny is that I DO tie her shoes! She's to the point where it is very difficult to bend over far enough to tie her own shoes, so....
Love!
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Christi
United Kingdom
4430 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 3:17:41 PM
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Hi Carson,
This is the thing with real love, when your wife suffers, you will suffer too. So the days of being able to say that it is her problem, and she will have to sort it out are coming to an end. If you are behaving in a way that is causing your wife to suffer, then there will be a natural tendency to want to do something about that. It is a natural flow that happens when two hearts are connected and open.
Christi |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 4:00:04 PM
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Hi Christi
Exactly. That is why I have started this thread....because I want to find a way to ease/end my wife's suffering without trying to hide the fact that I am in Love with the whole of humanity (which is manifesting itself by trying to be of service to everyone who "crosses my path"). How do you make someone feel secure when unconditional love isn't doing it (fast enough)?
Love!
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2010 : 4:35:36 PM
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| Continue giving love and being unconditional love no matter what? It's gonna be OK. |
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Loving Family vs Loving All
