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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 12:41:39 PM
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Namaste Everyone 
I am writing today because my wife is going through a period of suffering and I feel quite helpless to do anything about it. I want to help, I want to solve these things for her, but it seems that no matter what I do it isn't helping. Here is what is going on:
First off, she is pregnant and is due in a little over 5 weeks, so this obviously isn't helping her emotional state. But that said, the issues I am about to discuss have been going on for many years now (most of them anyways), so it is not entirely pregnancy hormones.
The first major issue she is dealing with is her feelings of "normalcy". She feels as though she doesn't excel at anything in particular and that no matter what she applies herself to, it never seems to come to fruition. She feels frightfully normal and that she doesn't really have much to offer the world. She sees me starting projects, going through the entire process of getting something "off the ground" and then watches my projects flourish. This doesn't seem to happen for her projects and this makes her feel like she is no good at anything and that no matter what she applies herself to she will never succeed. It is a self-defeatist attitude, but this is where she is at (and has been for a while now) so this is something that must be dealt with head-on. But no matter how I seem to approach this it doesn't seem to help.
Another issue she is currently dealing with is what she calls her "lack of spiritual progress." She has been practicing AYP with me (in the mornings only) for a little over 6 months I think now. But she doesn't feel like she has any more "silence" in her life then before she began. She sees me (and others around us who are also practicing AYP) benfitting greatly from the practices but she doesn't feel like she is getting anything out of it. She beats herself up, thinking that she is no good at anything (she thinks she can't even meditate right) and this again leads back into the first issue, the issue of feeling inadaquate and like nothing she applies herself to ever comes to fruition. I have tried every approach I can think of but nothing seems to be helping. I will come home from work or from teaching a yoga class and will find her sitting on the couch crying away because she feels like she has nothing to offer the world. She wants more then anything to feel "special" and "needed" but no matter what I do to show her how special she really is (both to me and to the rest of the world) it isn't coming from inside herself so it doesn't really seem to make any difference.
Any suggestions on what I can do (or what I should not be doing) in order to help her feel like she is special and has something to offer the world? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as it is extremely painful for me to watch her suffer like this. I want more then anything to alleviate this for her, but nothing I have done seems to make a single bit of difference.
Love!
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Edited by - CarsonZi on Apr 22 2010 12:44:37 PM |
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amoux
United Kingdom
266 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 1:40:33 PM
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Hi Carson
It seems that your wife is bringing one 'project' to fruition very successfully indeed 
I don't have children, but my brother told me something once that I've never forgotten - when you look down at the tiny human being, your life changes forever. Forever is a big, scary word - and I wonder if perhaps your wife is tuning into this at the moment? Also, contemplating whether she will 'succeed' as a mother.
I wonder too how much silence I would have if I were growing a new life inside me Perhaps it might be useful to suggest a different approach - AYP might simply not be right for her at this moment. However, if I understand you correctly, she has been practising this while pregnant - and I would wonder very much whether things will change with AYP practices once the baby is born. Having said that, it is so important that there is no sense of failure on her part. There are other approaches she might like to consider. Do you think perhaps she chose to do AYP simply because she wanted to join with you in that? Maybe she might find another path, that 'speaks' to her more. Not now, necessarily - but it is always an option for her. Maybe some reassurance that she won't upset you if she tries something different, if that is her wish?
I also think she may be fretting a little over her own adequacy - as a mother, a wife, all the different roles.
If it were me, I would focus on reassurance of your love for her, your belief in her and her innate worthiness. If there is music you both love, it can be soothing and healing. Perhaps you could listen together.
I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, but I really wanted to reply to your post. My very best wishes to you both (and baby, too)
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 4:15:00 PM
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From a conditioned point of view:
You have told before about the background of your wife (sexual abuse). Having a child of your own is a potentially HUGE trigger for old wounds to open even wider. Many who have repressed their memories suddenly have them released when they have a child of their own. It's a great emotional turmoil that can be released during that period.
On top of that you have the hormonal festival going on. Lot's of women with a huge garbage bag are prone to get a depression around child birth. Post-natal depression is a common thing.
On top of that you are in her presence with a lot of stillness in you, and she has practiced AYP herself also. We all know what stillness does - it stirs up old garbage!!! Your wife is getting about as much as she can get at the moment, adding on all these factors.
What are you to do? These are just my thoughts:
First - I know it's no use trying to make her feel special and worthy. That's not possible with a severely depressed person, and is of no use. The "depression program" is working in her mind machine.
Listening and BEING with depressed people in silence is often a good thing. You are radiating much love. Just let it flow where it wants to. Breath with her, synchronized. Touch her skin gently, hold her hand, soft massage etc, to produce oxytocin.
If you are to tell her anything, it is good to constantly repete two messages that may reach her subconscious sooner or later:
- Depression is a disease that hits you - it's not who you ARE. The disease comes visiting you and brings negative thoughts and feelings. It has got nothing to do with YOU.
- There have been states when you felt better. This is a state that will pass. It's not going to last.
That's the two messages that can be repeated like a mantra. No discussion, just giving the messages over and over again.
If she's going into worse states after giving birth - she might need some professional health care and perhaps medication.
I think you are the best support she can have. You are great, Carson! And I truly hope you both are going to be fine soon!
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Edited by - emc on Apr 22 2010 4:29:09 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 8:07:51 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Any suggestions on what I can do (or what I should not be doing) in order to help her feel like she is special and has something to offer the world? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as it is extremely painful for me to watch her suffer like this. I want more then anything to alleviate this for her, but nothing I have done seems to make a single bit of difference.
Sometimes loving is doing nothing... just holding her and holding space for her.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
What she and you (?) think is no progress may be exactly the progress she needs right now. Just hold space for her through this. |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 9:34:42 PM
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Hi Carson,
First ... perspective check:
*AWESOME* that you and Mrs. Zi are getting so close to celebrating Little Zi's entry into the world .... I'm sure there are times of greater beauty and celebration in a person's/couple's life .........
....... but I sure as heck don't know what they would be, let alone what they are!!
I've been through the (pregnancy-birth) process three times .... and feel thusly qualified to impart the one piece of advice that I ever found worth anything (I'll spare you all the ones that weren't .... ).
1. Love your wife, with your whole heart, in every moment, with all you've got, in whatever ways she lets you know she wants and needs to be loved (if/when in doubt, ask her; if she doesn't know, open to silence, and TRUST, and then love her with all you've got, whether or not you feel like it, and whether or not you feel like loving in that particular way).
2. When in doubt, see rule #1.
quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Namaste Everyone
I am writing today because my wife is going through a period of suffering and I feel quite helpless to do anything about it. I want to help, I want to solve these things for her, but it seems that no matter what I do it isn't helping.
Less solving. More loving.
quote:
Here is what is going on:
First off, she is pregnant and is due in a little over 5 weeks, so this obviously isn't helping her emotional state. But that said, the issues I am about to discuss have been going on for many years now (most of them anyways), so it is not entirely pregnancy hormones.
Though the current form of her feelings are happening now, and based in all factors now, including hormonal and psychological factors related to pregnancy and her first child.
FWIW, I've been around quite a few pregnant women in my time (my ex-wife three times; my sister, intermittently, each of my daughters, at times; friends, etc.) .... and what your wife is experiencing, especially for a first pregnancy, really isn't unusual.
EVERYONE tends to feel a bit inadequate, at the big deal times in life .... and there really isn't anything "bigger dealer" than becoming a mother for the first time.
While I truly sympathize with what your wife is going through, it also sounds quite normal and familiar. It may seem extreme to both of you, now, but for those of you who have been around women, especially wives/partners, during their last month of pregnancy (and, as emc pointed out, sometimes afterward for a while, too), it's really fairly common.
Utterly unconditional loving is the only known palliative.
It always helps.
Even when it doesn't seem to.
quote:
The first major issue she is dealing with is her feelings of "normalcy". She feels as though she doesn't excel at anything in particular and that no matter what she applies herself to, it never seems to come to fruition. She feels frightfully normal and that she doesn't really have much to offer the world. She sees me starting projects, going through the entire process of getting something "off the ground" and then watches my projects flourish. This doesn't seem to happen for her projects and this makes her feel like she is no good at anything and that no matter what she applies herself to she will never succeed. It is a self-defeatist attitude, but this is where she is at (and has been for a while now) so this is something that must be dealt with head-on.
Less dealing with. More loving.
quote:
But no matter how I seem to approach this it doesn't seem to help.
Less approaching. More loving.
quote:
Another issue she is currently dealing with is what she calls her "lack of spiritual progress." She has been practicing AYP with me (in the mornings only) for a little over 6 months I think now. But she doesn't feel like she has any more "silence" in her life then before she began. She sees me (and others around us who are also practicing AYP) benfitting greatly from the practices but she doesn't feel like she is getting anything out of it. She beats herself up, thinking that she is no good at anything (she thinks she can't even meditate right) and this again leads back into the first issue, the issue of feeling inadaquate and like nothing she applies herself to ever comes to fruition. I have tried every approach I can think of but nothing seems to be helping. I will come home from work or from teaching a yoga class and will find her sitting on the couch crying away because she feels like she has nothing to offer the world. She wants more then anything to feel "special" and "needed" but no matter what I do to show her how special she really is (both to me and to the rest of the world) it isn't coming from inside herself so it doesn't really seem to make any difference.
And yet, she's in the midst of offering you, your child and herself the most precious gift of all ..... the literal creation of a family.
There may actually be something more special and needed than that ........ but if there is, I've certainly never heard of it.
quote:
Any suggestions on what I can do (or what I should not be doing) in order to help her feel like she is special and has something to offer the world? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as it is extremely painful for me to watch her suffer like this. I want more then anything to alleviate this for her, but nothing I have done seems to make a single bit of difference.
Love!
Less {Anything Other Than Loving}. More Loving.
To both of you, I would say: just LOVE each other, and LOVE this beautiful time in your lives as your marriage extends into family.
I've never had an issue that didn't dissolve utterly in a moment that I was giving genuine love, nor have I ever seen anyone else experience anything different than this, either.
There's nothing to figure out.
There's only love to give .... in this case, to each other, and to your beautiful new daughter!
I hope this helps!
All Love To All Three Of You!
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2010 : 12:27:20 PM
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Hi Amoux
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
It seems that your wife is bringing one 'project' to fruition very successfully indeed
Hahaha...yes indeed she is. But I'm sure you can understand that she doesn't want to feel like the only thing she is good at is being a "baby-maker" 
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
I don't have children, but my brother told me something once that I've never forgotten - when you look down at the tiny human being, your life changes forever. Forever is a big, scary word - and I wonder if perhaps your wife is tuning into this at the moment? Also, contemplating whether she will 'succeed' as a mother.
I asked her about this last night on our way to a potluck with friends and she said "It's weird that you should say that....just last night I wondered if that had anything to do with the way I am feeling." A very astute observation....one I had not had myself...thank you.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
I wonder too how much silence I would have if I were growing a new life inside me
Hahaha, for sure :)
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
Perhaps it might be useful to suggest a different approach - AYP might simply not be right for her at this moment.
The past few days we have been deeply discussing her expectations around what she thought she should be experiencing after practicing AYP for 6 months. I think we had a breakthrough last night as I have been trying to get across to her the fact that we measure the efficacy of our meditations by how we feel OUTSIDE of practice times, and not what sorts of experiences we are having DURING meditation time. When I picked her up from work last night she explained to me that she had noticed that day that her habitual reaction to someone who was giving her a hard time at work was seen and she was able to consciously chose not to be engage that response.....and that she recognized this as a result of her meditation practice. It set her mind a little more at ease about whether or not the practices are working. This was really really good IMO.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
However, if I understand you correctly, she has been practising this while pregnant
Yes....she started her practices while about 3 months pregnant.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
and I would wonder very much whether things will change with AYP practices once the baby is born.
Oh, I am quite sure that once the baby is born just about everything is going to change 
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
Having said that, it is so important that there is no sense of failure on her part.
But unfortunately there is a sense of failure on her part. A sense of failure in regards to many different things too. And there doesn't seem to be much that I can do (besides love her through this) to change the way she is feeling.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
There are other approaches she might like to consider. Do you think perhaps she chose to do AYP simply because she wanted to join with you in that?
I think that is likely part of the reason. The other part being that she had seen the differences it had made in my life and likely wanted some similar results.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
Maybe she might find another path, that 'speaks' to her more.
I mentioned this to her as well last night. She wants to continue to stick to the AYP system for a while longer having had the experience she did yesterday while at work.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
Not now, necessarily - but it is always an option for her. Maybe some reassurance that she won't upset you if she tries something different, if that is her wish?
Yes, I made sure to let her know that I won't be upset if she chooses to try something else, or try nothing at all. It is her choice and I will support her no matter what she chooses.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
I also think she may be fretting a little over her own adequacy - as a mother, a wife, all the different roles.
Not may be....she definitely IS fretting over her own adequacy as a mother, wife, employee, and more.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
If it were me, I would focus on reassurance of your love for her, your belief in her and her innate worthiness.
Yes, I try to do this every day.
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
If there is music you both love, it can be soothing and healing. Perhaps you could listen together.
Hahaha....well, we both have extremely different tastes in music .....she likes indy rockish stuff and I like hardcore screaming stuff.  We can usually compromise on stuff like Sublime or Bedouin Soundclash and the likes though
quote:
Originally posted by amoux
I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, but I really wanted to reply to your post. My very best wishes to you both (and baby, too)
Your wisdom was perfect Amoux....thank you so much for sharing and for your kind well wishes. Love to you
Love!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2010 : 12:38:03 PM
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Hi emc
quote:
Originally posted by emc
You have told before about the background of your wife (sexual abuse).
It has kinda been assumed by both of us that she was likely sexually abused as a young child, but she has blocked all memories up until the age of about 9, so neither of us actually know for sure. And neither of us really have any idea who would have done it if it did happen. We have our theories, but there is really no way to know for sure without causing an extreme scene with her entire family (who would likely know about this if it did happen).....something she has no desire to do.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
Having a child of your own is a potentially HUGE trigger for old wounds to open even wider. Many who have repressed their memories suddenly have them released when they have a child of their own. It's a great emotional turmoil that can be released during that period.
Oh great  .....more emotional turmoil to pile ontop of the current emotional turmoil....sweet hahaha.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
On top of that you have the hormonal festival going on.
And let me tell you....it's a regular mardi gras over here
quote:
Originally posted by emc
Lot's of women with a huge garbage bag are prone to get a depression around child birth. Post-natal depression is a common thing.
Yes, we both already sense that this is in the mail for her. She has quite enjoyed her pregnancy so far and she has openly said that she feels she can relate to people (women especially) easier being pregnant as it is something that she has in common with other women who have been pregnant. She is nervous that she will feel as isolated as she did before she was pregnant after the baby is born. Not sure quite what to do about this (other then try to love her through it).
quote:
Originally posted by emc
On top of that you are in her presence with a lot of stillness in you, and she has practiced AYP herself also. We all know what stillness does - it stirs up old garbage!!! Your wife is getting about as much as she can get at the moment, adding on all these factors.
Yes.....absolutely yes. Bombarded on all sides with GARBAGE! hahaha.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
What are you to do? These are just my thoughts:
First - I know it's no use trying to make her feel special and worthy. That's not possible with a severely depressed person, and is of no use. The "depression program" is working in her mind machine.
Listening and BEING with depressed people in silence is often a good thing. You are radiating much love. Just let it flow where it wants to. Breath with her, synchronized. Touch her skin gently, hold her hand, soft massage etc, to produce oxytocin.
Great advice. Advice I will surely take and put to action. Thank you.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
If you are to tell her anything, it is good to constantly repete two messages that may reach her subconscious sooner or later:
- Depression is a disease that hits you - it's not who you ARE. The disease comes visiting you and brings negative thoughts and feelings. It has got nothing to do with YOU.
- There have been states when you felt better. This is a state that will pass. It's not going to last.
That's the two messages that can be repeated like a mantra. No discussion, just giving the messages over and over again.
Again, great advice. Thank you emc _/\_
quote:
Originally posted by emc
If she's going into worse states after giving birth - she might need some professional health care and perhaps medication.
Yes, only time will tell how things progress after the baby arrives.
quote:
Originally posted by emc
I think you are the best support she can have. You are great, Carson! And I truly hope you both are going to be fine soon!
Thank you for the kind words and the pertinent advice emc.....may you continue to bless all those around you with your loving and wise presence
Love!
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Edited by - CarsonZi on Apr 23 2010 12:39:37 PM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2010 : 12:42:52 PM
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Hi Shanti
quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
Sometimes loving is doing nothing... just holding her and holding space for her.
Yes, you are totally right. I think OFTEN loving is doing nothing. There seems to be a predisposition here towards "needing to DO something"..... I think it's likely a "male thing" hahaha.
quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
You know what? You are the second person today (well yesterday I guess) to quote this story to me in regards to this situation. Pertinent maybe? Hmmmmm..... hahaha
quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
What she and you (?) think is no progress may be exactly the progress she needs right now. Just hold space for her through this.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom dear..... you always know just what to say. Thank you _/\_
Love!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2010 : 1:02:20 PM
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Hi Kirtanman
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
First ... perspective check:
Perspective..... Check!
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
*AWESOME* that you and Mrs. Zi are getting so close to celebrating Little Zi's entry into the world .... I'm sure there are times of greater beauty and celebration in a person's/couple's life .........
....... but I sure as heck don't know what they would be, let alone what they are!!
Yes, this truly is a magical time. Life is due to change as of June 2nd ..... Now it is only a matter of time. It's crazy to know that soon (just not sure exactly when) life as we know it will cease to exist and that it is going to morph (quite quickly) into something we have never experienced before..... the anticipation is intense for sure.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
I've been through the (pregnancy-birth) process three times .... and feel thusly qualified to impart the one piece of advice that I ever found worth anything (I'll spare you all the ones that weren't .... ).
1. Love your wife, with your whole heart, in every moment, with all you've got, in whatever ways she lets you know she wants and needs to be loved (if/when in doubt, ask her; if she doesn't know, open to silence, and TRUST, and then love her with all you've got, whether or not you feel like it, and whether or not you feel like loving in that particular way).
2. When in doubt, see rule #1.
I can DO that! hahaha
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Namaste Everyone
I am writing today because my wife is going through a period of suffering and I feel quite helpless to do anything about it. I want to help, I want to solve these things for her, but it seems that no matter what I do it isn't helping.
Less solving. More loving.
Yes of course.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
FWIW, I've been around quite a few pregnant women in my time (my ex-wife three times; my sister, intermittently, each of my daughters, at times; friends, etc.) .... and what your wife is experiencing, especially for a first pregnancy, really isn't unusual.
EVERYONE tends to feel a bit inadequate, at the big deal times in life .... and there really isn't anything "bigger dealer" than becoming a mother for the first time.
Yes, this seems rational. But remember that this is not a "new" issue. These feelings of inadequacy have been around for quite some time for her (decades in fact). They are likely heightened right now, but this is nothing new.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
While I truly sympathize with what your wife is going through, it also sounds quite normal and familiar. It may seem extreme to both of you, now, but for those of you who have been around women, especially wives/partners, during their last month of pregnancy (and, as emc pointed out, sometimes afterward for a while, too), it's really fairly common.
Good to know, for both of us.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Utterly unconditional loving is the only known palliative.
....for anything
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
It always helps.
Even when it doesn't seem to.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Less dealing with. More loving.
Hahaha....yes, of course
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
quote:
But no matter how I seem to approach this it doesn't seem to help.
Less approaching. More loving.
Finally something I can actually respond to with something other then "of course" . My "main approach" has been the "Real Love" approach. But having her know that no matter what she says/does or how she feels, that I love her unconditionally, does not always seem to make a difference. Sometimes she is just so "cloudy" that no matter how much unconditional love is shown, there is no change in perspective or feeling. At least that is how it seems anyways.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
quote:
She wants more then anything to feel "special" and "needed" but no matter what I do to show her how special she really is (both to me and to the rest of the world) it isn't coming from inside herself so it doesn't really seem to make any difference.
And yet, she's in the midst of offering you, your child and herself the most precious gift of all ..... the literal creation of a family.
There may actually be something more special and needed than that ........ but if there is, I've certainly never heard of it.
I agree 100%.....she couldn't be (or be doing) something more special then what she is doing right now. But she wants to feel "special and needed" not just because she is female and "knocked up"....she wants to feel like she is specail and needed because of who she is as an individual and because of her personal talents.
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
quote:
Any suggestions on what I can do (or what I should not be doing) in order to help her feel like she is special and has something to offer the world? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as it is extremely painful for me to watch her suffer like this. I want more then anything to alleviate this for her, but nothing I have done seems to make a single bit of difference.
Less {Anything Other Than Loving}. More Loving.
Of course
quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
To both of you, I would say: just LOVE each other, and LOVE this beautiful time in your lives as your marriage extends into family.
I've never had an issue that didn't dissolve utterly in a moment that I was giving genuine love, nor have I ever seen anyone else experience anything different than this, either.
There's nothing to figure out.
There's only love to give .... in this case, to each other, and to your beautiful new daughter!
I hope this helps!
Thank you my brother....you advice is perfect as always. Much love to you and All.
Love!
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2010 : 5:13:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Finally something I can actually respond to with something other then "of course" . My "main approach" has been the "Real Love" approach. But having her know that no matter what she says/does or how she feels, that I love her unconditionally, does not always seem to make a difference. Sometimes she is just so "cloudy" that no matter how much unconditional love is shown, there is no change in perspective or feeling. At least that is how it seems anyways.
Brother Carson ..... it took me a long time to get this:
Unconditional Love (the only actual kind of love there is) .... ultimately means having no conditions of any kind whatsoever ..... not even expectation of results ... any results.
Loving is presence.
Solely.
Loving is its own power and reward, solely.
Opening in unconditional loving allows the reality of union to shine forth in any moment.
It may not be felt or received at the level of surface consciousness (on the part of your wife, for instance .. or even by you, if your mind and heart are looking for and hoping for positive effects) ... but rest assured that it is felt, experienced and known .... because loving is the reality of One; the ocean underlying the surface choppiness of a particular set of waves, that may or may not remember they are ocean in this moment.
Loving is the reality of wholeness.
Right here, right now.
And so, open in loving .... and let yourself know ... really know ....... feel it; all it takes is complete presence and willingness to release focus on surface-mind for a moment .... that any moment of loving is wholeness .... and that there's literally nothing more you can be or do for and/or with your wife, in that moment.
Surface doubts and pain are no match for present-moment loving ..... any more than an airborne rock is a match for gravity.
Ultimately, unconditional love isn't something we do .... it's what we are.
In my experience, there is the "added benefit" of unprecedented erasure of doubts and fears, and even depression ("how can depression remain in the absence of its cause?" as the Yoga Spandakarika says).
When we know we're the loving that we actually are ... doubt, depression and fear can't even "compute" ... they're just "not".
And the best way to know we're the loving is to share the loving-presence we actually are, by simply, fully opening.
That's all it takes; loving is reality; there's nothing we have to do to be loving (it's what we are; loving is true nature; true nature is loving .... it's the fundamental movement of awareness), other than to drop all resistance to experiencing this beautiful, sacred reality now.
Ultimately, untrue ideas are the only problem.
Loving melts untrue ideas.
Maybe not as fast as the mind may think it should; maybe not as completely as the mind may think it should, but reality is:
Loving melts untrue ideas.
Much like water melts ice.
A whole lot like water melts ice, actually.
I hope this helps, too.
All Loving To All,
Kirtanman
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Smileyogi
Australia
50 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 02:55:43 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
Namaste Everyone
I am writing today because my wife is going through a period of suffering and I feel quite helpless to do anything about it. I want to help, I want to solve these things for her, but it seems that no matter what I do it isn't helping.
Hi CarsonZi..much love to you.
You might try this technique I posted about on http://kriptodanny.blogspot.com/200...onopono.html
Now..you see..you must work on yourself,and when you do that,she will be ok..
The idea is the resonance factor..just do that in meditation..it works.Is like assimilating her negativities in yourself,and dissolving them..you do that,miracles happen.
..this is a fractal universe...your inner universe contains the outer.Make peace in yourself,and the whole world will benefit...not only your wife.But she will benefit the most,since she is close to you.
Kisses:)
Danny
Lead me from dreaming to waking.
Lead me from opacity to clarity.
Lead me from the complicated to the simple.
Lead me from the obscure to the obvious.
Lead me from intention to attention.
Lead me from what I'm told I am to what I see I am.
Lead me from confrontation to wide openness.
Lead me to the place I never left,
Where there is peace, and peace
- The Upanishads
ps..CarsonZi..I want to warn you that marriages are soul-mates..and you can't escape that..while your family parents,etc..are karma..marriage and love stories are soulmates.They appear from no-where,since they incarnated with you in the same time,and touch certain hidden parts of you.The idea is to integrate them...for the short time you are together.
Listen to this song..you'll understand...kisses:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_sf...ture=related |
Edited by - Smileyogi on Apr 24 2010 04:35:52 AM |
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amoux
United Kingdom
266 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 06:08:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
[quote]Originally posted by amoux
If there is music you both love, it can be soothing and healing. Perhaps you could listen together.
Hahaha....well, we both have extremely different tastes in music .....she likes indy rockish stuff and I like hardcore screaming stuff. We can usually compromise on stuff like Sublime or Bedouin Soundclash and the likes though
Ha ha! I was thinking more along the lines of Josh Groban's song "You are Loved" from the Awake album, but each to his or her own
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8...ture=related
With love
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The Suffering of Loved Ones
