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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 30 2009 : 7:10:45 PM
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Just sharing from the recent days/weeks:
All through the work that has been going on for years here regarding seeing clearly and letting go.......there has always been a coming full circle to the wound in the heart.
In retrospect it is seen that the wound is first felt as various holes inside. Then.......as the work progressed......it gradually revealed more of the wound-like carracter. Layers of hurt......of sensitivity to rejection....of the physical abuse in childhood etc.....of lack of mirroring (as in narcissistic issues)......every time around...... it has ended up in the hole in the chest.
When worked through ....(which always is a letting go of reacting and resisting.....and simply not doing anything...... but allowing it and watching it unfold)...... it would always uncover and let through some kind of essential aspect. Love....kindness.....compassion.....clarity. One or several of these would surface in the still, empty vacancy beyond the hurt.
The difference this time is simply that although it was the loss of a loved one (my father) and what was falsly interpreted as a loss of support from a close friend.....although it was this that made the wound in the heart surface.......while as earlier the pain would be linked to some sort of self identification......an image......or loss thereof......this time it is simply revealed to be the core structure of any wound.....of wounds in general.
It is as if it is this core structure of the false self.......it is different from other wounds seen and worked through here.....in that allowing it.....not resisting it with inner activity......does not lead to the emergence of loving kindness or essential clarity.......the allowing of it instead leads to total emptiness. A voidness void of anything perceivable......And the vulnerability here.....is the excruciating vulnerability to this voidness itself. To be completely awake.....while being normally active in life....to this void. It is as if it is the deepest layer of the nothingness described in The Longing topic in this forum.
There is no longing here now.......because the love coming through is always present now. That is also why this is different......I have never before felt both Love, Joy and such intense pain at the same time.....
It is felt to be the deepest and most original wound. It is as if it encompasses all hurt in general......as if it is the basis of all hurt in general. When living through this.......nothing happening in the mind is of any help at all. Nothing happening in any location at all......is of any help.
Yesterday I got back from 3 days of immense physical exertion. High up in the Norwegian mountains...... Hiking between 3200 and 5000 feet above sea level......with a friend and her dog..... for about 8 hours a day..... carrying a 10 kilo backpack. Rain, wind and sometimes dense fog...(we lost our way once because of it) but also some moments of sun and blue sky......and.....a wonderous rainbow. Spending the nights at 3 different lodges (placed in a triangle) in the mountains. It was too cold and wet to rest for long (15 min maximum) while hiking.....so we just had to keep the tempo up in order to reach the lodges before dark. Anyway......the first day I was only a little battered and tired when we arrived in the evening.....the second day I was exhausted and in local pain (legs and shoulders)......and the third day everything hurt......the whole body breaking under the strain.....walking walking walking....concentrating concentrating concentrating (it was very slippery). But – all went well, and the majestic silence of those mountains....there are no words for it. Anyway......I mention this because the physical strain seems also to have "leaked" the body’s "hold" on this...knot.... that is this deep original wound. So when being allowed to rest when coming back home.....during the early morning hours this release happened while still in bed.
While as earlier there would always be partly enmeshment with the hurt.....(I never managed to stay in full clarity while the hurt feeling was intense) this time there is complete detachment from it. Not as in aloofness.....but rather witnessing the whole package of hurt as being 1 single object. It is absolutely clear that the wound itself is linked with the body. It is the body in a way. It is what I took myself to be since childhood..... it is the "knit" of the body image.....the full identification with this image.....and the disintegration of this image.
The detachment from this package of hurt in general...it is maybe possible because the body perspective is....very faint here now.....and there is always love here.
This original wound is also different in that it reveals the truth about the deep sadness also described in The Longing thread. The depth of the sadness.....it is not due to the loss of any outer support.... although this is what I often translate it into initially...and for many years never saw through.....
One grows up transfering (projecting) true support to the ones that are ones care takers.....or ones "loved ones".
The deep sadness is a consequence of the fact that when being a child.....when staying in the here and now as a child....in the shine.... which I only recently remembered was already perceived in the very early years.....when this was not supported (mirrored) by the surroundings.....this led to pain and fear here. And since the pain and the fear could not be tolerated (which is very understandable...it ment being "alone") it led to a..... betrayal.... of the shine. I betrayed what was essential and true and closed myself off from that which I did not yet know I loved the most.......That is why the sadness felt so...ancient....it is the first "loss" of truth.
But....after many years of meditation and life being the wisest guru......since it is now possible to see this hurt for what it is....it is also possible to hold that child inside that could not help reacting in that way. It is as if she never grew up....so it is time that I let her be herself.....she may stay not-grown-up.....there is enough space and love for her now.....there is room for her now.....she will just have to be watched.... that's all.....this way the presence will simply melt her into itself....
When initially the hurt surfaced......the connection with the deep wound was not seen. There was immediate reaction (resistance) to it instead. This reaction implied rejection of a friend and rejection of myself as presence. There was no anger....only pain....immense grief....and the feeling of wanting to run away from both. The conditions I grew up under.....with a lot of physical retaliations if I dared to speak up against authority......the fear of this kind of pain was triggered when this issue surfaced. As a child I spoke anyway.....but to a high cost.....either physical abuse or complete withdrawel of the normal support needed for a child. Today the cost is tolerated because of....grace.....but in childhood years it could not be tolerated. So I went numb instead.....the heart closed down.
When the hurt of this original wound is allowed fully......it spreads from the gash in the heart and through-out the whole body. When the hurt dissolves.....there is only emptiness. Not a deficient emptiness........but neither is it full. It is simply a vast voidness......void of any quality.
I am staying here now.....in the doorway that is this wound. The dread of it (which is the fear of dying) is gone and it can take all the time it needs in dissolving. Now it is exposed....and the looking at it is continuous...
The surfacing of this deep wound is bringing clarity on many levels....
Anything supporting ones essential nature is beautiful and all good. When support on this level is available or comes to one through grace......no fear of attachment to it will be heeded here......since this support always leads to a greater letting go......and the bliss that follows. But the tendency to make this support (whether the support comes from an object of perception, a friend, a teaching, a practice, a guru, an essential aspect of truth in expression.....whatever it is) into an object in the mind......instead of letting it unfold and flow the way it is already flowing.....this tendency must be watched very alertly so that it is not acted on.....or else it will block the essential support that is Being itself. Silence is not contacted from "there". Only from here.
So.......it seems that life is making it clear here..... that the support of Truth itself .......formless and shining.......is what is always Support itself. To trust this and let go the rest. This is usually not difficult to live by here....but when difficult issues like this deep wound is surfacing......the trust becomes momentarily shaky. So the natural strength.....which is the ability to not-do....it becomes momentarily week.
Part of this issue also involves the fact that I am usually always nice to people. The fear of inflicting hurt on someone is hidden in this....behavioral pattern. So the release of this pattern is making it easier for me to stay as I am. Also when this may lead to pain in others. The fear I have had of inflicting others with hurt has led to reactions of avoidance....it is my little self I have protected....not "them". And this creates much worse havoc than the pain of clear truth. Both in here and in them.
Although the dynamics of the original wound is the same for everyone.......it varies how deeply the hurt of not being essentially supported (mirrored) is felt for the one going through it. If ones true nature was somewhat supported from childhood (either from the surroundings or from inner attunement to truth).....then the gradual dissolution of the personal identity structure will be tolerated. But if one is exposed to the reality of things before one is able to integrate it.......then this will lead to a deep deficiency that makes it more difficult to allow openness. The result being falling back into the old patterns again and again....and also being locked in cycles of fear. Or at least so it has been felt here over the years......both through working with so many people for such a long time and also through my own process of ......staying true to Silence.
It is a difficult issue to process......because it triggers deep felt fear. The fear of hurt is always a mixture of fear of intense pain and fear of death here. Both are faced now.......and I am very, very grateful to the ones that contributed to this opening.
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2009 : 8:59:18 PM
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Hi Katrine,
Wow -- beautiful, powerful experiencing-sharing-insight.
Thank you; Namaste.
A while back, I read someone describe spiritual awakening as a "second puberty" -- and it is much like puberty (the apparent process) -- just spiritual, instead of physical -- in the sense that despite all the confusion and intensity at points --- somehow, the process rather obviously knows what it is "doing".
One aspect of this is:
Even after much awakening-realization (*especially* after much awakening-realization; likely *only* after such ....) -- when there tends to be a sense of "Ah, finally, 'got it' --- peace now ...", etc. ..... life kind of rips out the heart, and invites a pack of feral emotion-thought-memories to gorge themselves to our heart's momentary-but-utterly intense (seeming) crucifixion.
Seems almost cruel ..... until it's experienced that nothing could be more kind .... because it's essentially the final "chime" of the "awakening bell" ... and its resonance can be .... infinite .... if that is allowed.
And you're intuiting something that "I" got (i.e. that was "realized here"), not long back -- body *is* memory; literally.
Ego is the closed loop with the past, keeping that memory alive (apparently).
Hence the beautiful imagery in Shanti's recent poem, Turn Around.
As I've quoted a couple of times, recently:
"Let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear."
Which you're clearly doing-being, now.
It's the most excruciatingly painful birth any of us will ever will.
Except for all the others.
As In:
"Straight is the way, and narrow is the gate, and few there be that find it."
Straight into-through-as the original wound ........ the One place .... most never think ..... could be the gateway to ALL:I AM NOW.
Because the original wound teaches Heart that which mind cannot ever believe ---- there is no original wound (and I say this as One, who has dreamed the utterly-far-too-real-seeming agony of decades of its release) ... because originally, there is no one to be wounded.
We think up partiality.
But only every moment.
The thought called possibility-memory-of-the-agony-of-separation created all this pain.
Thank NOW, it never actually existed.
And none of this is said to diminish the experienced apparent-reality of the process ... the agony can be unspeakable .... as Adyashanti says:
"It's the most fun you can have while being burned at the stake."
Because -- in that final descent into the agonies of Hell ..... the immersion in original wound ..... the impossibility of woundedness is realized.
Whole awareness becomes deceived by dreaming that partiality can be real.
Maya clothes whole awareness in the veils of partiality and limitation (else, where would all this pain seem to come from?)
The Goddess - Shakti - Power & Potential ---- dreams she's a wounded child.
She pretended so well, she even convinced herself she was real.
And so, the warrior-goddess that is the Shakti you actually are, does something terrible to the wounded child:
She makes her into her plaything ..... goading, prodding, poking, hurting .... until she realizes:
Non-acceptance makes all the difference.
Awareness of wholeness makes all the unity.
And she dissolves into the reality of the Infinite Light She Ever Is, Now.
... She does these terrible things, via conditioning, memory, thinking, concepts ..... because, in the context of the dream .... it is compassion incarnate .... for it is the only way to awaken the dream of the wounded child.
And She realizes that as dreams go, She was truly very blessed, and is truly only blessing.
Many dream they're veiled with relative comfort, and so, tend to keep dreaming.
You've heard of the "Terrible Forms" of the Goddess (Ma Kali, with fangs, and a lolling tongue, dripping blood, wearing a belt of skulls, while dancing on corpses)?
Kali, as some may know, simply means:
Time.
Fewer have heard of Bhadra Kali -- the beautiful, loving Mother, ever waiting with open arms, immediately behind the veil of her skirts, called Maya.
Same Goddess ----- different angle.
By releasing ALL the way into Original Wound ("Into thy hands, I commend my spirit") ...... we complete the apparent process .... and awaken into the Original Healing, Original Wholeness, Original Holiness, Original Health --- that we each and all ever are, Now.
I hope this helps (and not that "help" is needed; I fully get -- and take/took in that your post is as much about sharing realization, as anything else.)
I can tell you: if your process ends up being anything like the couple of others I know fairly well ...... facing Original Woundedness *is* the gateway to knowing the reality of Original Wholeness, Now.
Heart Is Inherently Full; Heart Is Inherently Whole; Heart Is Inherently Overflowing, Now.
I have NO idea where it came from ...... these days, I basically:
Open Heart, Intend Love, Start Typing.
And, As Ever .........
Heart Is Where The AUM Is,
Kirtanman |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 12:04:10 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
The Goddess - Shakti - Power & Potential ---- dreams she's a wounded child.
She pretended so well, she even convinced herself she was real.
And so, the warrior-goddess that is the Shakti you actually are, does something terrible to the wounded child:
She makes her into her plaything ..... goading, prodding, poking, hurting .... until she realizes:
Non-acceptance makes all the difference.
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 12:10:21 AM
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Love is the greatest Zen koan.
It is painful, but don't avoid it. If you avoid it you have avoided the greatest opportunity to grow. Go into it, suffer love, because through the suffering comes great ecstasy. Yes, there is agony, but out of the agony, ecstasy is born. Yes, you will have to die as an ego, but if you can die as an ego, you will be born as God, as a Buddha. And love will give you the first tongue-tip-taste of Tao, of Sufism, of Zen. Love will give you the first proof that God is, that life is not meaningless.
The people who say life is meaningless are the people who have not known love. All that they are saying is that their life has missed love.
Let there be pain, let there be suffering. Go through the dark night, and you will reach to a beautiful sunrise. It is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves. It is only through the dark night that the morning comes.
Osho
Can Love go without Pain?
Can there be Rebirth without Pain?
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manig
India
88 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 03:54:00 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Kirtanman
Heart Is Where The AUM Is,
Kirtanman
Hello Kirtanman
Can you please explain this in detail?
During meditation, I utter AUM on my own. And whenever I utter it, I become immediately centred in the heart (become witness).
Today I was uttering A (as prononuced in English A) then Aa and O. Three words separately, repeted for a few times. I also sang sort of a Raga on my own (which was unknown to me). And also Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Dha Ni Sa... the Sanskrit musical vowels. Automatically! |
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apachechief
Ireland
65 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 06:40:41 AM
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| As ever Katrine, you are an inspiration. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 07:26:16 AM
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Very informative Katrine; thank you.
I wonder if the original wound is separation from God...and this lack of mirroring or support is a manifestation of separation from God. In other words, we break off from the whole and become separate. Then we are plunged into a world of illusion that doesn't seem to be the whole that we were so used to being part of.
So the combination of the compelling illusion of the world and seeming to be whole within ourself instead of within God makes us not only believe our body is all we have, but also that something is missing; that we have another half somewhere.
So that would make people love each other and search for a "soulmate", but all the while we would be missing the point, and each relationship would be not quite enough. Some would search for God outside themselves, with the same result, all of which would eventually lead back to the original wound, being actually the whole body itself, but more accurately the concept of the body before it existed.
This is probably insinuated in what you wrote but not understood by me . . . |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 3:35:14 PM
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Hi Kirtanman
What a beautiful post....thank you so much......Namaste
quote:
when there tends to be a sense of "Ah, finally, 'got it' --- peace now ...", etc. ..... life kind of rips out the heart, and invites a pack of feral emotion-thought-memories to gorge themselves to our heart's momentary-but-utterly intense (seeming) crucifixion.
*LOL*.....yes...although I don't know what feral means (it sounds hormonal... )...I catch what you're saying...and yes....crucifixion is quite.....discriptive 
quote:
Seems almost cruel ..... until it's experienced that nothing could be more kind .
Yes.....I call it merciless mercy......
quote:
Ego is the closed loop with the past, keeping that memory alive (apparently).
Hence the beautiful imagery in Shanti's recent poem, Turn Around.
I love Shanti's poem.....I have come back to it every day since she posted it :
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=6202
quote:
Non-acceptance makes all the difference.
Awareness of wholeness makes all the unity.
Amen to that
Here...it is also:
"Awareness of non-acceptance uncovers all the unity"
It is beautiful that awareness of non-acceptance uncovers unity no matter where it is seen....here...over there....in here...in another.....it matters not where it is. Unity is always revealed when aware of non-acceptance.
quote:
Fewer have heard of Bhadra Kali -- the beautiful, loving Mother, ever waiting with open arms, immediately behind the veil of her skirts, called Maya.
Same Goddess ----- different angle.
Thanks Kirtanman....never heard of Bhadra Kali.....must check her out......open arms and all 
Thanks for coming from such an open heart Kirtanman
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 3:39:10 PM
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Hi Christiane
Thank you for that beautiful Osho quote
quote:
Love is the greatest Zen koan.
It is painful, but don't avoid it. If you avoid it you have avoided the greatest opportunity to grow.
Amen.....and Amen again |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 3:42:40 PM
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quote:
As ever Katrine, you are an inspiration.
Thank you for being inspired Apachechief
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 5:30:43 PM
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Hi Ether
quote:
I wonder if the original wound is separation from God
Yes.
The appearant separation.
quote:
So the combination of the compelling illusion of the world and seeming to be whole within ourself instead of within God makes us not only believe our body is all we have, but also that something is missing
Yes...something is felt to be missing when not able to perceive God.
quote:
So that would make people love each other and search for a "soulmate", but all the while we would be missing the point, and each relationship would be not quite enough. Some would search for God outside themselves, with the same result, all of which would eventually lead back to the original wound, being actually the whole body itself, but more accurately the concept of the body before it existed.
This is probably insinuated in what you wrote but not understood by me . . .
You understand fine Ether
Noone really loves "each other".....we may be sexually, emotionally or intellectually attracted....but what we really desire is love. And love is not sex, emotions or thoughts. We just get that part mixed up. I know I have.....I have remembered and forgotten and remembered and forgotten again and again.
However....just as we become aware of our Self through the spiritual practices and the witnessing it engenders.....it is also possible to be aware of what love is not.... with another human being.....and then..... it is possible to be quiet together in love. There has to be a resonance for this to happen. The way I see it...this resonance is grace. I cannot look for it. It comes of itself when not expected.... And it stays if not resisted or suppressed or grasped at.
If I resisted or suppressed love....it was always because of fear. Because love is......not predictable. It does not happen when you think it should. When it happened with another human being here (it has happened only twice)....it pulled the rug under my feet. It threatened every security nest I had made for myself. It does not give me what I think I want when I want it. It only gives itself. And if not able to perceive thisself....how was I to know that this Itself is more than one could ever dream of? This understanding came later....when the gift of love unveiled itself. So the first time this happened to me there was a lot of fear...and I resisted it. But avoiding it like this led to attachment. It had already happened....so avoiding it....kept me attached to it for a long time. It is only much later that I understood this. That first time....the growth that happened because of that interaction....it went on for years. This is the impact love has. It turns everything into gold.....
The second time....when I recognized it for what it was...there was grasping at it. I was afraid of losing it. So this fear also led to attachment. In both cases I learned more about what love is not. And so gradually....along with the process already going on because of the daily practices.....love keeps revealing itself.....because of this seeing what it is not...and....because of experiencing the oneness that it is......in the quiet of our resonating, common presence. It is beautiful to experience this alone, and it is a true blessing to experience this with another human being.
The surfacing of the original wound......it surfaced when I believed a story about the love. I listened to it and bought it because of previous history. But I am where I am....not where I once was....or where someone else is. So.....beleiving in this story...was like a betrayal of heart. I trusted the story more than I trusted silence....Beleiving in the story led to doubt and sadness.....all was due to the fact that I bought this story about it. And love is so simple! It simply is....no matter what we think about it....it simply is.
So...Ether....thank you for bringing this up.
And yes.....I am still in the doorway......but it is very spacious here now.....
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 6:23:33 PM
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Thanks Katrine.
Much Love to you and may flowers continue to bloom in every heart. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2009 : 8:28:26 PM
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| Thank you for your beautiful blessing to every heart Yonatan |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2009 : 11:19:16 AM
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After having come back to clarity and calmness...I can't let this quote stay as it is....since it is not seen as true:
quote:
The surfacing of the original wound......it surfaced when I believed a story about the love. I listened to it and bought it because of previous history.
The surfacing of the wound...it happened because I heard words spoken about the love......and I made the words into my own story. It was this story I believed in (totally my own responsibility)...and because of my reaction....because of identification with this story......I failed to see the love behind the words spoken. I was very insensitive to someone elses boundaries......and did not look at how they came about...the necessity of them for the other....and the reactions my insensitivity triggered in the other.
So there you have it.....so simple.....and I am such a fool sometimes
So....just wanted to set this straight.
There are so many layers to a lesson like this.....but when it comes right down to it.........
it is always about the ways in which I need to awaken to love.
Have a joyful Saturday evening
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2009 : 12:37:42 PM
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It's saturday morning here!
One of the awesome benefits of not identifying with the stories, is there is nobody left to be a fool anymore!
So we read the comic book and are amused by it, but it doesn't matter. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2009 : 12:41:58 PM
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*lol*..........*LOL*
Wonderful Ether
Thanks  |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2009 : 2:55:04 PM
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| Thanks fo your words and this treath katrine.Very useful for me. |
Edited by - miguel on Sep 12 2009 3:09:58 PM |
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The original wound
