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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 03 2009 : 6:19:02 PM
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Over the past months...what I call "the father-like essence" has become more and more father-like...more and more evident.....and more and more silencing here. Everything started with the emergence inside of the melody to Ave Maria sometime this spring (have written about it in the forum somewhere...can't remember where now) ...singing of it led to the face of Jesus Christ in my heart during meditation....and then to the letting go of him.....and the forthcoming of the father-like essence....which have been my "objectless object of devotion" since then....
And then...... through sitting some weeks in the hospital with my dying father.....and through releasing him inside....when he died a little over a week ago...... (while I was taking part in the annual AYP retreat led by Sparkle in Ireland)......all this is somehow connected to what happened later on...
When staying in Dublin I have been blessed with being allowed to live at a hermitage in the back garden of the Avila Carmelite center. All meditations have therefore taken place in the wonderful chapel in the center. To be able to start the day there everyday....coming into the empty chapel shortly after the fathers of the order there have completed their morning prayer....I cannot begin to explain the wonderful silence in this rounded, sacred white space....and the way it embraces.....and grounds....at the same time. My sessions there would be longer than normal....sometimes around 1 hour.....I never overloaded from it....probably because there was also service and walking and interacting with human beings that also meditate...
Anyway....there is a crucifix on the wall in the hermitage. And during the stay...it always comes alive to me.....before my first Satsang this time.....I had a satsang....by myself.... in the hermitage....and Jesus Christ is very alive to me then. Nothing is said....but much is...communicated anyway. All has to do with letting go. I prayed to be empty and available at the upcoming Satsang.
When I am in Satsang.....we all sit in a circle. And this time (which was the first time the satsang was held at Avila) there was room for a table with a candle, the singing bowl and a white and a purple heather branch...that one of the participants kindly brought to the Satsang. I just loved the fact that the ....symbol....in the middle of the room is what we all are here for. I come not to teach anyone. It is the heart in every one of us that is the teacher. And so the middle of the circle.......the space.... is really the true host of the Satsang. This time...something else occured. For some reason...a chair was left empty in the circle. I saw it...and hoped nobody would remove it...because I enjoyed it...it felt like....emptiness was sitting in it 
The Satsang went well....people share so beautifully. At the end....though nothing is planned.....I ended up singing the following prayer (which deeply touched my heart in a book a few days before leaving Norway... and which the day after had a melody):
Peace I leave with you.
My peace I give unto you.
Not as the world giveth give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled.
Neither let it be afraid
It is the first time I have sung anything in English in a Satsang...usually it is mostly Sanskrit and sometimes Latin....
A woman participating said to me later: "Did you notice the empty chair?" I said yes.... She said "The presence of Jesus Christ was in that chair.....I felt him very strongly the whole Satsang....and when you sang that last prayer of Jesus...that was just another confirmation"
And then she showed me a picture of the face of Jesus on her mobile....and everything just stopped.....I was sucked into it....
Anyway - I did not think of Jesus Christ being in the room. All I knew was the nameless love I felt coming through everyone. It is her heart that brought Christ. And through that...she also brought him here. Her....process is interlinked with mine in different ways.....and I am very grateful to her for many things that happened later.
One day she gave me a small wooden framed picture of the face she had on her mobile. It sat at the table in the hermitage (as it is now sitting on the table that used to be occupied by the lap-top here :-)....everytime I looked at it....I was taken by it....it is so beautiful.
The days unfolded. The second Satsang was deeper than the first...many of the same people attended... (there was about 11 or 12 of them each day)......it is these people's sharings that make the whole satsang.....it is such a priviledge to hear people speak from heart like that.....so courageously.....
I had only 4 one-to-ones this time. It ment I had a few days to spend getting to know Dublin...also by myself. I really enjoyed that...it is a lovely city....with so many beautiful churces. Outside one of them...on the wall to the left of the entrance....was this stone frame...with the following words:
Silence
is the worship due
to God's holiness
I have never seen words like that on a church before......it was as if Jnana had married Bhakti......... I brought the quote to the Satsang.......
On my days off.....I had the priviledge of letting the day unfold of itself unplanned in any way. One of those days...after a deep meditation in the chapel.....I ended up walking into the city center and having breakfast in a lovely vegetarian restaurant there that I had been to earlier....it is called Cornupia. I sat there for a couple of hours...enjoying everything from the meal to the people...the plants under the roof window...and the general atmosphere there....a very friendly place. Then...something happened in my heart. I felt a calling... it got stronger and stronger.....and eventually it brought the image of the Christ Church Cathedral that I visited with Sparkle and Emc the first time I was in Dublin last summer.. I have always wanted to see it again.....
Anyway...it became evident that the calling came from this church. So I got up and walked there.....payed the entrance price....and saw a sign that said that in 5 minutes there would be a Eucharist in the Lady chapel there. I instantly knew this was why I was there....a young Finish man....he too was going there and we exchanged words and presence.
This chapel....is very small....and very beautiful. It is mostly white.....and there are red velvet square cushions...placed on "chairs"...that are not really chairs...but more like seatings made out of the side walls...a rounded space in the wall constitutes the backs...just a few of them. I would say there are room for maybe 10-15 people (?) in that chapel..... The red velvet...it reminded me of a sequel of dreams that i had this spring.....where the colour red.....and something …womblike...was the main essence.
The finish man and I sat down beside each other....he was so young....and yet his face was so radiant with the sacredness. On the other side of the chapel sat one Irish man (I could tell from his dialect during the prayers)...he too very devoted in a....strong directional way....and there were two other young ladies there beside him....so only five of us all-together. That was very special....to have a priest and his assistant present the Eucharist.....for only 5 people....
Now....I have only attended communion once before in my life....and that was here in Norway this last Easter morning....after the experience of Jesus Christ in my heart. I knew nothing of the rituals...how to behave etc then....I even held the cup upside down when the priest was about to pour the wine...so he had to take it from me and position it correctly  I still enjoyed it very much.....because my heart was so full of the love.
This time...it was different. It was my first Eucharist ever. And my first in Ireland. Also...it was different...because it was also the other way around....the love I mean. The whole ceremony was different.....nothing was like the communion ceremony in Norway....this time....it was like one long....sacred....sacred prayer. It was also different in that I was a part of it but also inside every word...every space. And the royalness in the Christ Church.....
From the very start of the Eucharist I was aware of the formless Christ presence.....and that somehow there was a ......balance...between the love I have for it...and the love reflected back from it. The priest....he was in his forties...and so serene...he was simply out of this world. The way his voice carried his love for God......it was very beautiful (I thanked him afterwards...for the love of God in his voice).....and shortly after the start I became aware that this was a marriage ceremony. It felt like the fatherlike-essence in the voice of the priest melted my heart into the Christ presence. I cried and the shine became full. I felt like I married Christ. I have no words for the ceremony.....I spoke when the others did.....but i have no words for the rest.
Afterwards.....it was just like after having been with Amma last fall. I could not speak for two hours....and sat in the church for a long time......
Ever since then...I am lit up inside.......and light as a feather....and the body perspective has not been reentered. This is also very much due to the essence and presence of the people i spent time with.....both on the retreat in Glendalough and elsewhere. I am very grateful to them for making it possible to....integrate this in such a deep way.......also....it is much thanks to them that this came about in the first place.
Also - and Sparkle may have things to relate regarding this - on the retreat he introduced the group to the practise of "Insight dialouge" by Gregory Kramer. It was just amazing....to take part in it. It took the whole retreat to a different level....and Sparkle did a wonderful job of leading it all. Together with the AYP meditations, walks in the mountain area, silent meals, common music sessions etc......all this made the love inside integrate further. I am very grateful - the Insight Dialogues had profound implications within myself.....I will continue to practise these with anyone willing.
The love.......I am aware of being it. At the same time......I am in a love relationalship with it. A day before the experience in the Christ Church....I was aware of sitting in the chapel at Avila and having a large, large body enveloping my own. The body was that of someone with long flowing garments.....like a huge body of Jesus and the Father in Oneness. I was tiny within this body.....and it was permeated with the silent father-like essence.
This large body is gone now....but after the Eucharist.....something is different in the heart. There is what I call ....a signature love...in it. To me.....it is the love of Jesus Christ....enabled by the fatherlike-essence. It is without a form......but it makes itself known to me through...specific waves of love. The love told me to get a voice tracer, so I bought one at the Dublin airport. And the love has also said that when the wave comes....it is the sign for me to speak into this recorder. So I have done so for two days now.....I transcribe the messages......which are ordinary questions and answers..... in the evenings. It is the guru within....i am aware of that....but since it is also this signature love....it is also a guru that has come from another.....spectrum…..
The messages are very innocent.....and not for publication. But the practice of communing like this....and the marriage......it has changed everything.
You see....the longing......the always breaking of the heart...one way or another.....whatever the significance of what has taken place is....it...for starters....has made it possible to bear the breaking.
I am such a usual, ordinary human being you see. The breaking is still going on.....when life puts me in situations where it becomes evident that I am very, very human. Today also.
I regularly walk into the traps of the mind...and also those of the heart and the body......i also feel like a renegade sometimes (like when coming back to the Avila carmelite center after the gate had closed at night and my key was not working...and having to climb the fence)....I am so like everybody else.....so....it takes time to adjust to the fact that Christ is here.
But.....this loving fact is present inside everything and everyone. It is just that we have cluttered it with so many images and stories......and castles of air.
And in the release of all this clutter......in this integration.....the Longing here .....has transformed itself into the Love.....
And the center of everything is always the Love. This post is about the Love.
And in order for this that has happened to be a constant....integration...here, some duality is always going on and will have to be seen always. I love what is in the center, at the same time as I am aware of the fact that the presence that I love is that of the whole of the circle. It is like the whole circle is the very center......and I am that.
So...when looking at the beautiful face of Jesus Christ....it is like that. It is formless...even though it has form. It is both what I am...and what I am not.....and therefore I know the bliss of bowing to it. I am aware that I don't really need the face....but it can stay anyway....it is like a flower...it emits a fragrance.
Just one more thing about the Love....
The earth in Ireland.....the people here......they emit this sacredness in a special way...it is connected with Jesus Christ somehow. So....I bow to this sacredness......and will just say that it is Ireland and it's people that has brought me to Satsang.
I am very grateful to this land and it's people.
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 03:37:22 AM
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Thank you very much for sharing Katrine.
God bless you.
I love you.
PS-Im glad to see you again here.I hope you will visit spain someday.Im sure you would enjoy the many sacred christian places in this country also.
Sorry about your father.
Take care. |
Edited by - miguel on Aug 04 2009 03:54:02 AM |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 03:47:23 AM
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thank you..
_/\_ |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 04:29:40 AM
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| that's really lovely and a beautiful read as well, thks sweet Katrine and brother Sparkle God bless you. |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 06:07:16 AM
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Thank You..
Much Love.. |
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Metta
Sweden
24 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 06:56:18 AM
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I am quite new here but also want to thank you for sharing this ......strong and beautiful.
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2009 : 2:15:37 PM
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Hi Miguel, Christiane, Ananda, Yonatan and Metta
Thank you for being here
Miguel wrote:
quote:
I hope you will visit spain someday.Im sure you would enjoy the many sacred christian places in this country also.
Yes - I would love to go there one day. You know what? My daughters are there right now  They are spending summer holiday together...the two of them inter-railing through Spain. They started in Barcelona July 22nd and will be back August 9th. It will be exciting to hear them tell of their adventures in Spain |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Aug 05 2009 : 11:02:26 AM
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It would be awesome that you visit my country someday.And a real blessing to enjoy with your presence if it would be possible of course!
Who knows...
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Edited by - miguel on Aug 05 2009 11:07:17 AM |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2009 : 1:14:28 PM
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Beautiful. Thank you, Katrine
With Love
cosmic |
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