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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 09:02:24 AM
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Hi All
Something happened recently that had a huge impact....
I was made aware of a long forgotten episode from when I was a child...around the age of 12. This involved causing a life-long negative imprint on someone younger than me at the time. The person in question never forgot about it, and it somehow shaped the way life in general was perceived there.
When confronted with it....it was a shock because I had forgotten....and had no idea it had left such an imprint.......the first knee-jerk reaction was to explain how this was a child's behaviour...built on ignorance. But after a few minutes....the pain in heart reached the Ajna...and then dropped down to heart again...with the understanding that I indeed knew while it happened. At 12...I knew...but I did it anyway. Not the implications of it of course...but in heart....I knew I was doing something "not good".
So.....first watching the resistance die down.....taking full responsibility for the issue (inside and to the person in question)......then apologizing from heart.....also verbalizing the instantly felt deep gratitude to the one who was brave enough to confront me with it....and then two days of deep processing.....soooo much was "hidden" under this episode...it was amazing. It definitely shaped life perception here....as well as for "the other". The episode was completely connected on all levels.....and it took all strength available to stay open to these layers...which included a lot of guilt.
The oddest circumstances made this issue surface...
To find out so many years later that an immature action taken here had such a consequence.....it was a terrible feeling to stay open to.....a forever "lost" chance to mend what was broken in the other.....but thanks to AYP, the wisdom of the one confronting me, and the grace of presence.....it turned out that something was set straight in the understanding inside the other after our talk. There was mending after all.....and many misunderstandings carried on the shoulders was taken away.....
Anyway....while hiking in the hills here a few days ago....the residue of this issue widened into this:
Even if it is so obvious that all the "weight" of the past...previous incarnations etc....that all of it is bagage that has no owner....even so......in order for the identification to drop away of itself...to be fully responsible and open up to all of it...is crucial......
One is never "through" being open.....embracing all of it....it just takes the right situation....then what is hidden will surface....that is all it is. The hidden will surface once the right setting is here. To know this.....keeps one from thinking onself to be somebody.
Pondering this....something gave way inside......while walking....
It is so clear that whatever blind actions there ever is.....murder,theft, torture, rape....you name it.....ALL of it I have commited at one time or other....through eons of time....ALL these have always taken place in me......I have been in all of them. It renders one forever cured of the tendency to condemn, doesn't it........... the fact that I have always been here...in all these expressions......
The impact of this....has made a huge difference. Because there is absolutely nothing to defend...since i am always "guilty" as charged. And yet....the great relief from the fact that nothing is resisted....to know that all of it is already commited.....this engendered a huge drop inside. A great detachment that otherwise would have taken such a long time......
So it is a paradox....to always be "guilty" as charged...whether charged or not....and at the same time being detached from it all....
To be fully responsible for all of it....and then yet never having "done" anything.......it is such a paradox...
Here...this processing is very much connected to the opening of Ajna (and Heart of course). Often....it feels as if I have stopped seeing with my two eyes....all the looking is from the middle of the forehead.....or right outside the forehead.....This also coincides with a great freedom from the body. Whenever there are physical challenges....it is enough to stay still in Ajna....as presence...I am instantly weightless....and the body flows in a different way.....Not that the body is weightless...*lol*...far from it....but when there is complete detachment from it...it makes a difference......it is left in peace to go about it's business :-)....and it does so much better without "unnecessary meddleing" .
This might be related...so am mentioning it:
I started Cosmic Samyama 2 weeks ago. While lying in bed before going to sleep. Usually....floating away before getting to "unbounded awareness"...*lol*....but I love the practice...and it is also somehow related to what is perceived here regarding the way the breath has changed this past year.....
Another topic on that another day 
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 11:50:01 AM
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Thank you Katrine for sharing.
Love,
Yonatan |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 12:19:04 PM
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...........love............
...........wisdom.............
freedom
all the best, (((((((((......"katrine"......))))))))).
Om. |
Edited by - miguel on Jun 08 2009 12:31:35 PM |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 2:00:09 PM
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| Beautiful Katrine, sounds like very deep work |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 2:50:14 PM
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Hi Katrine.....
It's taken me a couple of hours to read this because reading it made my head (third eye right through to the back of my skull) vibrate so hard it hurt. I had to stop about 5 or 6 times to meditate, and engage kechari, to try and help the energy out of the head (spinal breathing is really painful for me right now as I have a broken left #4 rib {possibly #3 as well I will know in a few hours when the second set of x-rays come in}) so I can't do it. I would have got up and gone for a run, but that hurts too much too, and I am at work so I have to stay at the computer for the most part. Anyways, much of this reminded me of myself and some of the situations I ellude to in the "Desire for Justice" thread I started a while ago. What you have written has resonated deeply with me and will take a long time to process I'm sure. Thank you for sharing, you are a Shining expression of the Divine to be sure.
Love,
Carson |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 3:46:41 PM
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Hi Yonatan, Miguel and Louis
Thank you so much for being here.....and much love to you
Hi Carson
Physically broken....yet bless you.... you are wholeheartedly here.....thank you for that.....and for sharing the deep resonance
Whatever happened to you...may you mend quickly. You will be in spontaneous Samyama here now.
PS
Miguel...your drawing reminded me of the sounding bowl....thank you
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 3:58:13 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
The impact of this....has made a huge difference. Because there is absolutely nothing to defend...since i am always "guilty" as charged. And yet....the great relief from the fact that nothing is resisted....to know that all of it is already commited.....this engendered a huge drop inside. A great detachment that otherwise would have taken such a long time......
So it is a paradox....to always be "guilty" as charged...whether charged or not....and at the same time being detached from it all....
To be fully responsible for all of it....and then yet never having "done" anything.......it is such a paradox...
From my heart.. _/\_ |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 4:05:43 PM
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.....Om Shanti Om.....
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 5:23:02 PM
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quote:
Pondering this....something gave way inside......while walking....
It is so clear that whatever blind actions there ever is.....murder,theft, torture, rape....you name it.....ALL of it I have commited at one time or other....through eons of time....ALL these have always taken place in me......I have been in all of them. It renders one forever cured of the tendency to condemn, doesn't it........... the fact that I have always been here...in all these expressions......
Thank you for a beautiful post, Katrine!
I hope I won't disturb the beautiful energies too much with my low frequent writings... I just feel inclined to share, though... The part quoted made me remember an episode on Fiji, but I am hesitating whether to write about it or not... It might be too disgusting to many, yet it is one of the most important realizations I've had happening to me... It might also be sensed as very inappropriate as a reply to your great post, and no doubt I may be subjected to the silent treatment again from you all, but I take the chance, and the forum moderators will have to be the judges whether it's appropriate or not. For me, it was a major insight of the magnitude you describe in the quote above.
It was the day I discovered the emotional body and how it functioned (described here http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=4696). (As a parallell story, the same day the man I was with had had a conversation with me about the truth of Bernie saying "I'm with you every minute, wherever you are". I said, of course he is, but he had never experienced any "proof" of that in spite of being with Bernie for 10 years.) I went through emotion after emotion, shape after shape and released it by going deep into it - allowing it to surface, feeling through it, and then let it go, and after every release, it was laughter and relief - total detachment from the energies.
After I had gone into a white glowing stick of "rage", there was relaxation, but no laughter. I felt it was not quite finished. I went into the egg again, and saw that the stick had splintered into smaller shining blue sticks. It was difficult sensing what emotion it was... It was just very uncomfortable. Then pictures and images of torture started to pass by. I have worked a lot with that subject in my profession, so memories of true stories about psychopaths torturing people by putting fingers into their eyes came up, and another story about a torture method of putting hot eggs up the anus etc. Very uncomfortable. I realized... I must have those psychopathic traits as well... Just as you described, Katrine, I realized: of course I hold all emotions and all expressions of them, no matter how absurd they may be! It's all my creation. And I prayed to be shown how I had expressed that feeling of total cynism, hatred, coldblooded viscious hurtful controlled wish to induce pain in another... and I realized that's the feeling I have had when torturing my ex boyfriends verbally, abuse related to control and ownership, jealousy and revenge. The sense of responsibility you mention came... I took full responsibility for having acted that out, seeing the enormous pain it must have inflicted... and yet... I was fully aware what was going on, a huge job of releasing from those stories, seeing them for what they truly are/were and how they have been around the world for as long as we know serving their purpose (yes, they do have a purpose), and letting them go. And I went into it fully... but again... there was no laughter...
How can one laugh about such cruelty and pain? All other emotions could be seen as acted out almost by cartoon characters, easy to laugh at how we get angry, furious, scared and confused etc... but it was no fun around that type of torture existing here on Earth... I asked for help, I asked for release... Then Bernie shows up in an inner vision, walking towards me smiling... and he stops, turns around and pulls his pants down... and out from his anus comes... a new hatched chicken!! Yes, absolutely ABSURD vision, right?! The hot eggs had turned into a chicken! And I laughed and laughed... And the man who was with me during this session laughed and laughed when I told him what I saw. I realized... not even that IS FOR REAL! It's scenery, although terrible scenery... and it's all Me anyway... This whole Game is a Joke, but God must have a very bizarr type of humour sometimes... It was the most difficult thing for me to fully embrace, accept and allow... having met so many people subjected to this type of torture in my job, having heard so many stories and consequences of it... and realizing even I in this body-mind character have expressed the "psychopath" myself... the guilt, yes! It was painful to see, but finally possible to embrace as well...
We came down to dinner right afterwards and the first thing that happens is that Bernie comes up to us at our table and bursts out in a loud chucking sound of a chicken first right in my face, then in my friends face! We instantly knew he knew and had been with us all the time... We bursted out in the greatest frantic laughter ever! Imagine THAT creating this scenery... absolutely weird!!!
And after dinner, we were to share the Form, 60 people in a room... a bit tight, so Bernie says we have to make sure to share the space with eachother... and then he turns to me and says:
- And you, be sure you don't poke someone's eye!
Which of course made us crack up as maniacs again! Making it rather certain he was with us everywhere as consciousness...
THAT works in mysterious ways... no? |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 03:01:02 AM
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| Thank you, moderators! Thank you for being so allowing and openminded in this forum. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 04:42:59 AM
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Hi emc
quote:
I hope I won't disturb the beautiful energies too much with my low frequent writings... I just feel inclined to share, though... The part quoted made me remember an episode on Fiji, but I am hesitating whether to write about it or not... It might be too disgusting to many, yet it is one of the most important realizations I've had happening to me... It might also be sensed as very inappropriate as a reply to your great post, and no doubt I may be subjected to the silent treatment again from you all, but I take the chance, and the forum moderators will have to be the judges whether it's appropriate or not. For me, it was a major insight of the magnitude you describe in the quote above.
Thank you emc....for the courage to share like that
Your post is not inappropriate.....and for sure....don't ever worry about "spoiling any energy" .....we all bring our unique energies to this forum, and yours is certainly as appreciated and beautiful as anyone else's. You know....when you describe yourself the way you do.....as if you say things "uninvited" or "unaccepted".....you make me think of Pippi Longstocking.....it was the first childrens book that I fell in love with...I was 7 years old.....the way her mind frazed her genuinly loving heart....I always loved her.....especially her pranks and refreshing lack of cotume *lol*. Pippi rocks...and so do you.....this is not a tea party....and people with the courage to challenge......is rare and much needed. So I hope you will drop this "low frequent mind"-story of yours real soon.......if you say it enough times....we might start to buy into it.....can't have that 
It is great that you can share relatedness to the issue above. It sounded like a profound release for you at the time.
I never got to the laughing part here.....there was mostly crying.... .......but all ended in peace....so I guess one can come to that peace through both tears and laughter. Thanks for that perspective on it
In lightness of spirit,
much love to you |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 05:24:26 AM
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Thank You emc..
..............
.ooo.ooo...
oooooooo.
.ooooooo..
...oooo....
.....o.......
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 08:04:01 AM
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| It's not inappropriate at all emc. It fits very nicely with what Katrine was talking about. It takes a lot of courage to post something like that. Thank you. |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 08:25:27 AM
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Super thread, Katrine and emc. Thanks so much for sharing this so eloquently.
Love! |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 11:12:29 AM
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Thank you very much for your responses, all of you, and Katrine for a very nice reply! It went straight in here! Although, I do think this forum can get an air of tea party sometimes... just a bit too polite... so that ego's are stroken along the hair instead of rugged up a bit.
Yes, I think we can reach peace through both laughter and tears. We don't realize things the same way, or even in the same order. Mind also, that laughter about the illusion does not mean not taking people seriously when they express their pain. In actual meetings there's a lot of compassion!
There's this huge sense of having the "eagle perspective"... the eagle sails with the winds and sees all fighting, hurting and pain going on down there from the sky... untouched by it... yet fully aware of it... seeing it all, nothing is hidden... not judging, not feeling sorry for anyone, not trying to help anyone. Like Byron Katie said sometime: Everyone is entitled to their suffering. Who am I to say someone else should not suffer? Isn't it the suffering that brought me to the awareness I am today?
Everything IS LOVE. Even the groce parts of life.
I have been told this by many ex's, and now I know for sure:
-I AM a real pain in the ass!!!
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 11:39:43 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
-I AM a real pain in the ass!!!
Wouldn't life be ultra boring if NOONE was a pain in the ass at least once in a while? I for one am thankful for those who push me into inquiry through their "pain in the ass-ness". And I know I can be a HUGE pain in the butt myself so it's only fair right .....
Love,
Carson |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 1:34:27 PM
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Hi emc
quote:
I have been told this by many ex's, and now I know for sure:
-I AM a real pain in the ass!!!
*LOL*
With wings and feathers |
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christiane
Lebanon
319 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 10:57:49 AM
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Thank you emc for the straightforward words..
I'm not an expert in english politeness and like you said,
it feeds the ego..
we all have both good and evil inside.
Also we are all one, and everything - thoughts, e-motions, images etc. - is nothing but vibrations.. in one ocean.
We are all connected. The greatest criminals/sadists/etc. like Hitler didn't came from Mars! (or .. maybe nothing is for sure after all )
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 2:48:11 PM
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"Death has been swallowed up in victory."
There is also crying here... Yesterday there was a dive into the collective pain of the second world war. Suddenly, a journey with the pilots in airplanes bombing cities, children burning and dying, despair and terror. There was immense pain going through here... endless pain... feeling it through, allowing it in, seeing it consciously, vibrating with it to the bones... holding it, holding it, being with it, being it... like a mother holding her crying, dying children... knowing it has to be held, and knowing the holding is possible, although it's huge... huge, an immense sorrow and pain... And the eagle coming again... gliding over the burnt cities, watching the devastation and destruction... breathing, breathing it through in stillness... and the mother lodging it, harbouring it in purity, the emotion going through so pure, so clear, so... beautiful and possible to embrace because of it's purity...
And the quote that came to me recently from a friend was so stunningly beautiful it brought me to tears: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Did not know where it came from but found it, 1 Corinthians 15:
quote:
I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
There has been a lot of tigers around lately... did not know what that was. Just signs of tigers everywhere... "Mother Durga" is ringing inside, has been for a while... finally looked it up and found that
quote:
Durga represents the motherhood aspect of God. She is the force, or shakti, through which Divinity manifests. Durga is power. She is the protector and benefactor. She is commonly pictured riding a tiger and having eight arms with which she carries flowers and weapons of protection and gives the gesture of blessing.
The Hindu Goddess Durga manifested when evil forces threathened the very existance of the Gods. To destroy these demons, all gods offered their radiance to her creation and each formed part of Durga's body.
The name "Durga" in Sanskrit means "invincible". The syllable "du" is synonymous with the 4 devils of poverty, sufferings, famine and evil habits. The "r" refers to diseases and the "ga" is the destroyer of sins, injustice, irreligion, cruelty and laziness.
Durga killed the powerful demon Mahish and all his great commanders. Demonic forces are self-destructive but very powerful. Divine forces are constructive but slow and efficient. When demonic forces create imbalance, all gods unite, becoming one divine force called Shakti or Durga.
It also started on Fiji... this holding and allowing and passing through consciously the collective pains and sorrows... the sense of serving by letting them through, the sense of being the mother coping with it, no matter what... no matter the magnitude of it... because of it's purity it's possible... it's just seen for what it is and felt as what it is.
One evening we danced in Fiji. I went into conscious movement, dancing until I dissolved and when awareness came back... I found myself standing totally still, straight but absolutely relaxed by the wall, holding the Dhyani mudra by the belly. Eyes opened and I found the room was empty, everybody had gone, it was silent, and only Bernie was there standing by the stereo. He looked straight at me for a while. Then put on a song, an indian song which started with "Mother Durga"... and I collapsed on the floor in awe and an undescribable sense of knowing the Motherhood... knowing how that serving happens... of being there for all children... tenderly, lovingly, allowing it all in... carrying it in the heart... as the heart.
I don't have any children of my own in this life... yet, motherhood is known here, in a way I could not imagine some years ago.
And in becoming The Mother... "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 7:00:26 PM
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Hi Katrine,
quote:
One is never "through" being open.....embracing all of it....it just takes the right situation....then what is hidden will surface....that is all it is. The hidden will surface once the right setting is here. To know this.....keeps one from thinking onself to be somebody.
A friend of mine, who is constantly balancing and clearing herself out, describes your statement in terms of energy. She says that as she goes through life, every situation that presents itself is an opportunity to have back the energy that in the past she had invested in it.
So if she runs into an old acquaintance who she once felt frustrated with in a given situation. If she has faced the old issues and has since balanced herself in the same situation, she gets to have back all the energy she invested into feeling frustrated.
Personally I have found this to be true. I encounter someone and there is love and understanding where there was once anger or frustration etc. I no longer have invested my energy out there in that emotion, it can come back home and there is more wholeness as a result. This can be felt physically sometimes completely in an energetic way as well with tingling or ecstasy etc.
quote:
Pondering this....something gave way inside......while walking....
It is so clear that whatever blind actions there ever is.....murder,theft, torture, rape....you name it.....ALL of it I have commited at one time or other....through eons of time....ALL these have always taken place in me......I have been in all of them. It renders one forever cured of the tendency to condemn, doesn't it........... the fact that I have always been here...in all these expressions..
I see this the same way, I often remind myself when looking at someone I am about to judge. "That is me I see, but over there", in other words had I lived the same life, in the same circumstances with the same experiences... well, there I am again and again. Funny how compassion can replace judgment so quickly with this perspective.
Happy for your clearing.
Lot's of love to you! |
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2009 : 04:02:12 AM
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| The warrior's path.love it. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 02:03:24 AM
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quote:
I don't have any children of my own in this life... yet, motherhood is known here, in a way I could not imagine some years ago.
That's wonderful, emc
Thanks for sharing. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 05:25:30 AM
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Hi Andrew
quote:
A friend of mine, who is constantly balancing and clearing herself out, describes your statement in terms of energy. She says that as she goes through life, every situation that presents itself is an opportunity to have back the energy that in the past she had invested in it.
So if she runs into an old acquaintance who she once felt frustrated with in a given situation. If she has faced the old issues and has since balanced herself in the same situation, she gets to have back all the energy she invested into feeling frustrated.
Personally I have found this to be true. I encounter someone and there is love and understanding where there was once anger or frustration etc. I no longer have invested my energy out there in that emotion, it can come back home and there is more wholeness as a result. This can be felt physically sometimes completely in an energetic way as well with tingling or ecstasy etc.
Thanks for sharing this
Yes......it is beautiful when anger and frustration is replaced by love and understanding. The way I experience it......these two....truth and love.....it is these that together come into expression as compassion.
It is perfect timing here....this topic. I am going through a challenging time regarding my father. Since mom died 2 years ago this coming fall, my father has finally been diagnosed with Alzheimer. I have known about his Alzheimer for several years now.....and together with his life long untreated manic depression (he refused further treatment after a nervous breakdown in his early twenties) .... his mental disease has created much pain and hardship for himself and the people interacting with him over the years. My childhood was pretty much dominated by his difficult temper, depressions, manic bouts and eccentric ways. But also with his great humour and adventureous spirit. He was as fun as he was terrifying.
We had no spare time when we were children....it was like those athlete children...who train for hours on end....weekdays and week-ends alike....He is also responsible (together with mom) for all the music, language skills, general creativity, going-against-the-stream mentality, social skills, cooking abilities etc etc that came my way when growing up. So I have much to be grateful for. Mom was calmness incarnated (she was a pianist and a librarian)....dad was all but that :-) He converted to catholisism when I was six....I used to love going with him to mass...on the rare occations that i was allowed to come. The smell of inscence...the singing....all of it was so much more...alive.... than the church the rest of the family belonged to.
Anyway....sorry for rambling on...the point is, it took many years to work through...and through understanding.. let go of and finally forgive..... all the physical and psychological hurt we were inflicted with over the years. There were so many contrasts.....so much was learned through this relationship (or lack thereof). Were it not for growing up with my father.....I would never have turned within. Yet...it is not thanks to him....just as it is not thanks to me....but to the loving intelligence that designed our lives I owe That everything. And That is still expressing through my father.
Now that his mind is falling apart...his demeanor has changed greatly. He has fits...but he forgets what they are about ...:-).....he is afraid...and is not arguing as much.....and he is slowly surrendering to the way things have developed.
Because of his ways.....and I am sure blind spots within myself....it has been almost impossible to help him. He has refused outside help in the house....refused medical treatment etc etc.....and refused my family to come and visit until just the very recent months...when he was already far to sick to be able to "host" anything.
Also....to help from heart is a challenge. It is difficult to stay in clarity as to what would be best for him. To not avoid the challenge of facing all of what comes with him. He was hospitalized yesterday, so I am going there today.....and I am asking Silence how to best be of help....
It is crucial....for all involved...that I stay open.
Like you say Andrew.....all outgoing energy wrongly invested...now has chance to come home.
Amen to that
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 07:33:16 AM
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PS
And lots of love to you too |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 04:12:37 AM
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Sharing a different angle on Alzheimer:
While staying with my father yesterday.....and this has slowly emerged over the past months......it was amazing to watch to what extent the Alzheimer.... on one level.... gives him great relief from his busy, burdened mind. He is too sick now (he has lost 38 pounds in 2 months) to understand the consequences of the hospitalization (I doubt that he will ever come back home to his house, but on the other hand......he is not aware of being in a hospital either). At the same time... he is not too sick to enjoy being visited, the flowers by his bedside, the taste of food and drink....small wonders in daily life. And his faith is with him. It is as if...at this stage....his joy of being alive is surfacing (he kept saying he wants to live until 100 years old...which is another 24 years). And while eating dinner.....although 3 bites was all he would allow himself (he has developed an eating disorder because of gastric troubles from the Alzheimer medication...so they took him off it a few weeks back).....still...he obviously enjoyed those 3 bites. It is as if he can finally breathe without being stressed. That part of him that did not allow visits to his house in the past is gone. He kept saying that me being there was like a "Christmas Eve" to him........at the same time as he says "I am very senile now"....with a kind of joking acceptance. So - in this situation.....there was a space available....while he is still somewhat receptive ........I could thank him for everything he contributed with during my up-bringing. I also told him (I have said this before...but he needs to hear it again...and I could say it from a deeper place inside)...that whatever not-so-good-actions that took place was long since forgiven and let go of....and that all of it together had contributed to the depth of life......
Now and then he gets agitated....but it is enough to be very calm and steadfast with him...and tell him that he is being taken care of, and that he need not worry. He lets go then..
Whenever his mind tries to take him on one of his ususal trips......he quickly looses the thread....gives up.... and is brought back to the moment.
And the moment is still here......as it has always been....
It has been painful...and still is (don't know how long this will be going on for him)...to gradually lose a parent like this.....but the heart is very, very grateful for the chance to connect with him.......it seems both our hearts are set at peace by it.
It is amazing...that something like Alzheimer....can set the stage for a healing like that....
I am very grateful
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 09:15:59 AM
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| AYP Public Forum |
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All is already commited - Detachment from body
