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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
 Posted - May 13 2009 : 1:51:19 PM
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Now a bit of reporting/journaling from here... :)
About 4 years ago, something began to stir. I started to perceive, with varying intensity, the barriers and tensions between people. Like a stuck energy and static electricity stored everywhere. With it came the feeling that I didn't know what the point of anything was. What to do, what to fight for, why relate to people, why anything? So there came the first releases into just unknowing. A movement towards opening. And also a long illness. During that time, I decided to completely give up. Yes, take me, illness! Whatever you want, I do not care. But even this kind of release is not enough. Because of the increased sensitivity, I even stopped going to school and studied from my home.
I started to perceive my own programming. How I reacted to situations and the predictability of it all. So I was asking myself: what's the point. What is it that I'm doing here, what's my deepest motivation. I saw my emotions, I didn't trust them.
In absence of much inner silence and clarity, such inquiries take a lot of time. How to figure out the universe with one's own mind? How much do I have to read and study to get it all? To "find out". So one tries things... and thinks. Psychedelics? Yes, useful previews. Lots of inner material to integrate and think about. Maybe it leads somewhere, maybe it doesn't. The key thing is when one starts to perceive how the mind functions. How it's all built, how one's world constructs itself. What conditions what. And where That stands in it all.
From my first memories and the deepest places I've been in myself at that time, I knew that for this life there was a strong drive towards perfectionism. "But what's perfection anyway?", the perfectionism was asking itself. It was a kind of extreme perfectionism that defeats itself. Because it searches for an ultimate purpose, an understroyable truth, to be perfect. So that turned out to be a strong ishta, the ideal. But what is the truth, where to find it? Total personal honesty. Openness. Release and surrender.
One day I came upon a wikipedia page about yoga. I'd read something about meditation before. But that moment I realized this was what I was looking for... for a long, long time. Then I found about the AYP practices. So I started doing them, with all my energy.
One's bhakti is the key. In every situation, the perception of barriers, mine and other's, was intense... Deep down, there was desperation. Why? Why this way, why is there not absolute happiness, why can't I release more? What's the point? And in this way, I was permanently stirring my energy to open up more. I was recalling the most deep and painful moments, the things I didn't ever want to face, the most far-out psychedelic experiences... And put all that emotional energy into opening, surrender, into practice.
I was asking: why am I not experiencing total bliss and unboudedness right now in this moment? Where are the barriers to just abiding in the totality of whatever is happening right now? While longing for anything, desiring something, like sex, I was asking: what disconnects me from what I connect with during sex? What keeps me from just being everything?
And I practiced and practice, always with the knowing that I cannot know the truth, cannot know what I deeply am if I think anything, if I identify with anything, if I hold on to anything. If I think I am anything more - anything but the openness itself.
So every meditation, every practice was done and is done with this intent. Open, open, open, let the light through. Everywhere.
And so one practices and opens. And the light does come through. And you know that you are it, right here. When I am this openness, something happens with energy. It starts to completely decontract. It flows towards I don't know what... infinity? :) Like strings of energy, like a great number of arms stretching out and expanding and encompassing everything. And at the same time, from that infinity, strings of energy are coming back towards this bodymind and they are carressing it/self. It all intertwines ... and dances :)
The living reality of this cannot be transmitted... it is right now. Do you want to open to it? :)
Light is meeting light and abiding in light. One is meeting oneself. Stillness in form. Everywhere, forever, now.
There is no separation between us. There is no communication. The waves are just gently rolling :) In silence, there is no relationship. It's infinite intimacy. Existence falling towards itself. Caressing itself as love. So have your share, it's free! :) |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 4:31:11 PM
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Hi tadeas
Thank you for that beautiful post....
quote:
In silence, there is no relationship. It's infinite intimacy
Love that 
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 4:48:52 PM
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| a bow to beauty. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 5:11:04 PM
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What keeps me from just being everything?
A jaw-dropping question!
Thank you for this. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 5:25:26 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
What keeps me from just being everything?
A jaw-dropping question!
Thank you for this.
Losing the awareness of that which I am not... Thinking that I am something.
Love,
Carson
P.S. Thanks for sharing Tadeas |
Edited by - CarsonZi on May 13 2009 5:25:56 PM |
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 6:34:25 PM
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| Beautiful |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2009 : 6:38:36 PM
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There is no separation between us. There is no communication. The waves are just gently rolling :) In silence, there is no relationship. It's infinite intimacy. Existence falling towards itself. Caressing itself as love. So have your share, it's free! :)
Awesome!!!
Thanks for sharing. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 01:57:57 AM
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Thanks tadeas! Reading your post was like reading a trancendence journey in compact form, and the frequency in the post raised as it went along... ending in pure peace! Gratitude!
PS. Being a word nerd since my elite scrabbleplaying days, I also very much enjoyed the "mystory"... |
Edited by - emc on May 14 2009 02:28:47 AM |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 06:15:17 AM
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Thanks for the thanks :))
Emc, good you noticed :) |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 11:32:25 PM
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Hi Tadeas,
Are you able to share some of the details of your practices that you refer to above outside of AYP DM and pranayama?
Mudras?
Inquiry?
Tantra?
etc.
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2009 : 04:02:26 AM
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Hi Anthem,
I've so far used most of what AYP offers. Apart from DM and SPB, it's the standard mudras and bandhas, which are in time evolving into the whole body mudra. I've used yoni mudra kumbhaka intensively for a time, I'm doing spinal bastrika and root to crown bastrika, also a little bit of chin pump. Lots of self-inquiry. Also a lot of samyama. I'm doing doubled core samyama (4 sutras instead of two), a lot of cosmic samyama, sometimes done more than twice a day + frequently before going to sleep. The first 1.5 years of AYP practice, I was also doing about 80 minutes of asanas every day, which helped with energetic development, too. During that time, I was also practically celibate, because I wanted to put all the energy into practice. As for tantra - yes, I'm living as preorgasmically as I can, it's just great :)
And I think most importantly, it's so far been about strong bhakti :)
In the past say half a year, I was also really pushing it with cosmic samyama and releasing as much as I could. There've been some weird symptoms, like being frequently "knocked out" (no self-awareness, low pulse, little breathing, extreme relaxation) during the practice for like half an hour sometimes an hour, which seems scary to allow for some people :) Or frequently getting so tired that I could not sit in meditation. Most of the time, I'm not doing almost any further rest after finishing these long cosmic samyamas, which is not what AYP suggests. But on the other hand, it allows one to do things while still in the great release after "unbounded awareness" - at least initiallly, when it doesn't seem to be available in normal functioning. And during this time, inner silence has been emerging so much from everywhere, beyond anything I could ever imagine :)
P.S. forgot to mention amaroli |
Edited by - tadeas on May 15 2009 06:38:04 AM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2009 : 07:52:57 AM
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| tadeas, interesting to hear! Do you also work full time while practicing all of this? |
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tadeas
Czech Republic
314 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2009 : 09:35:49 AM
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No. The first 1.5 years it would probably not have been easy, given that the practice was taking over 4 hours daily. Now that I'm not doing all those asanas etc. it takes far less time. I was in a lucky situation and could give all the time to practice, reading, study (of whatever, not only yoga).
Sometimes I do part-time (computer) programming and I'll be starting at a university this year in case you're interested :) Other than that, I'm active and living happily |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2009 : 8:01:54 PM
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Thanks for sharing your routine Tadeas very appreciated, minus the volume and a couple of mudras and practices, it is pretty similar here.
all the best,
A
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it's a mystory
