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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 11:54:03 AM
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Hi,
I have pushed it too far.
Not physical symptoms, but there is HUGE emotional instability, to the point I fear I'm going mad or doing damage.
HELP? |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 12:04:03 PM
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What does your practice set consist of at this time?
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 12:27:31 PM
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15 minutes deep meditation, twice a day.
BUT I went on this manic search for truth without inner silence.
I've done holosync, affirmations, chakra meditations, hypnosis, too much weed, psychedelics.
I've always been OBSESSIVE about various things.. when I was younger it was fitness/working out, then it became Buddhism, then it became pickup/social interaction, then it became God.
I like poking my ego with a stick. I have been trying to stir up ALL negativity, literally asking for more of it, so I can transcend it via total acceptance.
But its TOO MUCH.
I just want to be a HUMAN.
I've tried to stop this kind of self-enquiry, but I've dug up so so much and I don't know what to do now. Going into it seems like the only thing that eases the insanity (as the insanity is based upon fundamental resistance).
I just want to be, feel, like an ordinary human again. Not some sexually repressed, masculininty-repressed, god-obsessed, selfish mutant of a being.
F***.
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 12:30:23 PM
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I felt my best when I had more friends, worked out casually, didn't have sexual issues.
I need a shrink and a gym, not more 'enlightenment'.
I think the obsessiveness comes from a lack of basic human love at a young age, like I need to be/do SOMETHING other than just human, to justify my existence.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 1:05:17 PM
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Hi Jack...
I suggest cutting yourself some slack first off. You can only be what you are, and trying to become what you are not is fighting reality and you are guaranteed to lose.
If going to the gym makes you feel better then by all means, go to the gym man! I wouldn't suggest cutting out meditation at this point, but if you think that will help then you may perhaps want to try that for a while and see if it helps.
If you are having a problem with some already dug up issues through deep self inquiry, then I would suggest picking up the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie....this book has the easiest system of Self Inquiry I have come across. It is 4 simple questions that will help you see the reality in any situation. Most stress is caused by attaching to a thought of what you think reality "should" be like instead of just enjoying what reality actually IS like. You can do this process without buying the book by visiting this page here: http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
Also you say that you went on a "manic search for truth without inner silence"....seems like you already know what the problem is!! Perhaps it is time to suspend the search and focus on generating some inner silence? Then, when you do pick up this manic seach for truth once again, you will be more stable and able to assimilate much more of what you are learning.
Hope this helps a little. Best of luck my friend!
Love,
Carson |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 2:10:44 PM
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Hi Jack
Carson has given lots of good advise.
Let me just add that from your discription it sounds like you are experiencing overload. Try reducing meditation down to 5 min for at least two days, then - if you feel better - increase up to 10 min for a while...until things settle down.......keep the 10 min for at least 2 weeks. If this is too much - do 5 again for quiet a while. Then gradually increase up to 15 min.
How long time since you started AYP Deep meditation?
Have you considered doing Pranayama?
Grounding is very important. So the gym is a great idea :-)
What about spending time with friends?
Good luck  |
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themysticseeker
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 2:57:09 PM
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Jack, Relax. Don't fixate; don't focus on anything. Don't do anything. Just rest. You misunderstand the meditation process, because you are trying and pushing. This is another fixation. You don't need obsessions and fixations; they are de-stablizing you. The way is calm, restful, without judgments or concerns.
Take a balanced approach and have faith in yourself. Meditation should be like a vacation from your karma, worries and fears. This is important. Take a break from meditation if you need to. See friends; maybe try to see some monks. They always cheer me up. Exercise is important, hatha yoga, or regular gym exercise. Eat some meat have a little beer. Settle down. Then, when you are refreshed, then take another look at sitting meditation.
You are on the path. Don't worry, these obstacles are natural and to be appreciated. Many of us have endured the same confusion. Embrace it, because you can train in not knowing, not needing to know and not worrying about what your mind cannot comprehend. This is a big step to living without attachment.
Love,
TMS |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 3:26:12 PM
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Thanks..
I really need to relax. I was even going to drink ayahuasca this weekend to push through... its OBSESSIVE.
Thing is, I don't have many friends and I do have a lot of free time. So I sit here and get obsessed, introspective, etc., its my obsessive habit.
So I shall start doing more exercise, find a massage course or something as well, just -chill out-..
Thanks.. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 3:43:07 PM
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If you are pushing yourself over with excessive self inquiry the LAST thing you should do is drink aya!
I suggest taking the weekend to relax....take a walk, go to the gym, be outside, have some sex, enjoy a nice steak or something, watch some tv.... Rome wasn't built in a day, and you won't become enlightened in one either.
Have a wonderfully chilled out weekend...
Love,
Carson |
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stevenbhow
Japan
352 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2009 : 10:51:59 PM
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Hey Jack,
If you feel like you don't have any friends come on here and post. I know it's not quite the same as interacting with someone face to face, but at least you can talk to people that are in tune with what you are going through. Hope you feel better soon.
Steve |
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Lacinato
USA
98 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2009 : 12:03:11 AM
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| I hope things feel better soon. Everything will be okay. I thought I was going mad a few months ago, scaled waaaay back and have been feeling normal for a long time now. I even do secular things like watching TV :) I do a consistent morning practice, but no more. |
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solo
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2009 : 08:44:51 AM
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Hi Jack.
I am far from an expert on this subject matter. In fact, I am somewhat confused right now too. I also have obessive tendancies that you describe (though I tend to direct mine at women/sexuality and not drugs). But I think our tendencies can serve us well if we allow them.
1. Keep meditating. But let go of the judgment
2. stop the drugs. In my opinion they soil the vessel that is your body.
3. It sounds like you are sorting through some issues, this is healthy. Again, stop judging yourself (and others too if you are doing that).
If workouts are calling you, if you are feeling inclined to be more social, by all means do so. Relax and let your path find you. |
Edited by - solo on Mar 07 2009 08:51:50 AM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2009 : 05:35:37 AM
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Hi Solo,
Thanks for the reply.
My obsessive thoughts are about women and sexuality at the moment - due to past phimosis, adult circumision, some very poor sexual encounters that have breeded massive performance anxiety that leads to many 'no shows'. Me and a girl just broke up over this issue, in fact.
I need to take some time off 'enlightenment' and work with body/psychotherapy, TAT, allowing my masculine energies to flow, etc., before I return to AYP - as that bhakti really takes me away from dealing with this.
Thanks for the replies.
Jack |
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CRS
Canada
16 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2009 : 9:41:24 PM
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How are things since you last posted, Jack?
Please keep us updated. |
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2009 : 12:48:48 AM
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Jack, you need to let go of your obsession with "pushing it". I don't know about your psycadelic experiences...but a few of my bad ones left me with a feeling of deep appreciation for the window of ignorance in which we live. Made me realize that life isn't presented in front of you for you to pierce through it with a spear and tear it to pieces..."transcendence". Who the hell knows what it's for? Just do whatever makes you happy. Your obsession isnt doing it obviously. I think your mentality of "I just NEED to do this so that this will happen" is a cycle that will never really lead to any conclusion. Just quit altogether...stop trying to accomplish or change anything about yourself spiritually. Just accept yourself...but don't make that into a thought exercise. Literally, just do stuff....lots of stuff. Clean, volunteer, read, cook, exercise
There are too many times that I would sit with the pipe in my hand, white-knuckled with a deep fear of what the journey would be, but feeling this obsessive pressure that I "need" to do it because it is the Truth and anything else is denial of this "fact" that the drugs shown me. True or not? Who knows, but if it doesn't feel good don't do it. Like Alan Watts said, drugs are a phone call from the divine. Once you answer it, you hang up. Put them aside and focus on AYP and your life. There is nothing to "break through". If you truly could...so what? There wouldn;t be a Jack to enjoy it so it's really an oxymoronic thought process.
And I'd lay off drugs. For all they can do spiritually, for some (me and you) they come with too many negative effects as well...one being the "rebound" effect...they help with inner silence...then it seems to rebound and your mind becomes busier than ever...trying to reclaim that ephermal experience. |
Edited by - anthony574 on Mar 15 2009 02:08:41 AM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2009 : 07:41:42 AM
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Anthony, its not like that for me with the 'drugs'.
The ayahuasca experience is unpleasant, but its a powerful cathartic purge of unconscious material from every level of your body and soul. Its -useful-, practical. Helpful for life.
I agree on the recreational drugs.
I agree I do need to put the books down.
Save for this one, "No More Mr Nice Guy". Judging by what I've read from you Anthony, I'd humbly suggest it might help you out a bit too..
Still, its one to use in conjunction with psychotherapy/counselling/men's group therapy.
How am I?
In transition. 
Currently allowing all parts of myself to be okay. All the lust, anger, etc.
I was feeling afraid of and ashamed of my own testosterone. But.. this is part of incarnation as a man. Am welcoming my iner caveman. Its the stuff we were told was not okay when we were children.
Yeah, there is stress, and lots of confusion - my own identity is changing.
Got a gym induction tomorrow evening, finding a counsellor, considering shamanic healing in May. We'll see..
Need to be doing more in LIFE, I have been becoming really introverted and obsessive. Still am obsessive but working on getting -life- handled.
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anthony574
USA
549 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2009 : 11:51:25 AM
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| Jack, sounds like you have a great perspective on your own troubles. Glad to hear it. |
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CRS
Canada
16 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2009 : 1:50:35 PM
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anthony574:
Isn't that the truth! It's nice to see. It's an important step, I think.
One day at a time . . .
Christian. |
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Nancy
USA
71 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2009 : 03:42:59 AM
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Hi Jack
You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, as I am sure you are aware of. We all deal with different physical and emotional "issues" at various points in our search for "truth". The physical pain, I believe is "cleaning out out energy centers", the emotional pain, I believe stems from not having all of our energy centers cleansed. Hence causing a wired central nervous system, some people classify it as being a"sensitive", now mix that in with a grand dose of empathy, and here you have an emotional basket case, that refuses to get out of their head, or their home or bed.
The truth is when our CNS is all out of whack, we process things extremely deep and wide,and feel with such intensity as well, about 10 times more than a person who's CNS is flowing smoothly. Also because we are so wired, we are not realizing that we are picking up so much energy,emotions,and illness from our environment and people as well, and we make them our own. Not realizing all this we become like hermits, in which I believe is a subconcious survivor skill, so we can slowly begin to unwind such intensity.
Understanding that alone was helpful for me to realize that my kundalini was way out of balance, but I had let it go too far...I was depleated, and drained in every aspect of my physical life. Being "sensitive", we dont realize just how often we are not here in the physical plane, we are multi dimensional, then we try to come back into our single dimension body and are all out of whack, that's why we'd rather stay stuck, it doesnt hurt or confuse us as much. It was clear to me that I got to recreate my single dimension body to be as healthy and flexible as possible, I began feeding my body, mind, and soul with nutrition, vitamins, herbs, and walking.
Flower essence, and rescue remedy is something we should all have handy at times of our "spiritual emergence" they work immediately and balance out your emotions, vs others, spiritual healing vs spiritual fear, male vs female energies.
The yarrows are great to clear negative energies of others http://www.fesflowers.com/
I hear your call to "just be human"... but you are not human, that is why you are here
Energy blocks in our chakras, or luminous energy field are not the only blocks for some of us. Some of us may have generation imprints, or fragmented pieces of our soul torn from us in past lives, that block us, or have us feel so uncertain about making decisions. Working with an authentic shaman can support you in turning all your wounds and traumas into strengths. I am working with elaine Lajoie http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/ who is a shaman, that helps removed certain blocks, and collects any fragmented soul pieces, as well as show you what lesson you must learn in order to remain crystal clear.
While you may not be able to sense or see any light while you are experiencing the darkest moments on your path, you have to realize that the darkest moments are just part of the path, and the only way out is to go through it and going through it brings the ever lasting white loving light that you are.
Although we have chosen to turn on our life path for the good, it doesnt mean that the water doesnt get muddy and murky at times, but even muddy water when left alone gets clear.
With love
Nancy
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miguel
Spain
1197 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2009 : 06:01:52 AM
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Hi Jack.
I passed trought all that stuff recently.
Stop inquiry is my advice.Stop drugs is my advice.Be very carefull with ayahuasca and that things.If you are obssesive its not a good idea.I think its not a good moment.There are ather tools.You cant clean all the dirty in one day.
The best thing can you do is some sport (grounding will help you a lot),friends,work...outside from you.
AYP is a good idea,but practice the time you need..read about self pacing,its the KEY.
"Rescue remedy" from bach flowers can help you too,like it was said.It was made for that situations of emergence.
I know maybe its hard for you now,but you have to do an effort.
There ar4 lot of activities outthere you can join.What do you like?find a hobby you like and join it with other people.There are lot of things.
If you want,i can send you some reiki healing,it can help you.
Love.
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Edited by - miguel on Mar 29 2009 06:32:20 AM |
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maynard
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2009 : 3:36:35 PM
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| is it dangerous to take psychedelics after Kundalini has been awakend. I know when i have Kundalini would take over and i would release so much. Was it because i was meditating, or is that a common reaction to anyone who has taken psychedelic drugs while undergoing their kundalini cleansing period |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Apr 04 2009 : 11:33:21 PM
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| Your energy has become unbalanced. In addition to all the good advice above, I would suggest a deep tissue massage. It may make you sore for a while, but it has an incredible effect on mental stability. Drink a lot of water afterwords because it helps clear out toxins. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2009 : 4:52:04 PM
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Thanks for all the good advice.
I went to an asana class today after my counselling session. Just had a bath and my emotions bust wide open, along with a kind of inner calling, "Are you ready to know who you really are?". I felt like my own deeper presence, it was strong and loving, and I resisted it at first.
I am going to sit and meet myself now.. flower remedy at the ready, haha. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2009 : 4:53:57 PM
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I notice if I take my attention from outside impressions, thoughts, feelings, and place it onto Consciousness itself, my body tenses up (my gut especially), I feel massive crawling kind of energy in my body, and I go into kriyas. All within a few seconds of placing attention on consciousness.
I suppose this signifies that my 'everyday self' is running the show and freaks out at the shift in perception, as the little me is terrified of the silence.
Feels like I have awoken kundalini already - is there an 'off' switch? |
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