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foralways
Sweden
19 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 4:30:21 PM
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I feel very confused.
I am new at meditation, i do it everyday and have experianced changes n my life since i started. i can focus on the moment more, and i feel my inside. i am also doing kundalini yoga a few times a week in my yoga place just down the street.
i also recently started to believe. in life, or in universe. and in this beautiful inside that is not in the flesh. because we are just lumps of flesh. with something more beyond or minds to understand.
i look around me and i just dont understand. i think i am fooled by words and explanation. i ask, what is a tree? and i get back an explanation with more words, a plant, lots of molecules, a living specie. but what is all that? i dont understand! i dont know! why are we here?
and i just feel this great wave of apreciation, but i dont know how to apreciate fully. i want to make my thoughts shut up and just enjoy, and sometimes i feel like i am so close, but there they are again. and they keep my occupied. and yet, without the thoughts, would i be on this path? i feel so confused.
i get angry with people. i want them to see what i see. i want them to question and be amazed with me.because if they saw it too, maybe this is not just my imagination. i want them to stare at the sky, and focus, and focus, and focus, and think "this is what i am seeing" but without thinking, just by focusing. and i dont want to hear more explanations. i dont want to hear that my thinking is normal, or my searching, as some call it. i hate that. i hate it because i see so much confusion in their faces aswell... will i never get out of this mind battle? and this frustration of not understanding yet wanting to appreciate?
some days i am just filled with so much feeling. my head is all buzzed and i feel like my inside is dancing. is it real? it must be real! how can it not be real? but why dont ppl speak about it?
yoga and mediation is leading me to this feeling. but i look around, and i am afraid to loose it. that is it fake. that i am making it up and that i will soon fall back into the "real" world again. where we dont ask, and we feel unsatisfied. because ppl must be unsatisfied?
i dont know. i just feel so confused. i want help, but i dont know where to ask or where to go. i want to hear that it is real, i want to hear that there is a path i can follow. i dont want to be this confused anymore. i dont want to be angry. and sometimes sooo happy. i am like a child. i am a child. i am questioning everything. why why why.. what is that, what is that. but i find no satisfying answers.
maybe i am crazy. i come up with theories about inner and outer worlds. i am sure that my mind is all around me everywhere, and that it goes in, in, in, in and out out out out in the same time. i am sure i can feel dancing inside. i am wondering if i might be a feeling. when i feel, i close my eyes and i feel feel feel. i dont know what it is, feelings. when i listen to music i sometimes am the music, i hear it in my head, but i dont know what it is. what is sound?
i look at the sea, the birds, the magnificent beautiful waves and i just cannot grasp it, even though i focus, i focus, i am in the moment.. but i cannot appreciate it. i feel like i am ready to cry, but no tears come. and frustration. and yet afterwards i usually experaince so much energy.
i dont understand where thoughts come from. or dreams. they just pop up, in front of me watching, that is not me thinking, i sometimes feel. sometimes i make comments at people walking by... that is not me making comments, i think. i tell my self how other people are thinking when i speak to them, how they see me. but why does that matter? if i feel to the inside and the moving, and i think about the great sky.. the sky that is there and blue, and everywhere. i understand that what other people unreal thoughts about me really does not matter.
i think that we are peaces of energy walking. peaces of earth moving. because we need eachother and we need the earth. we use the air, the air from the magnificent blue sky, that we cannot touch because it is just an illusion, we use it to energize our bodies. and the sun, we need it. and we eat. energy. but i dont understand what this all is. what is awareness? arewe peaces of a bigger awareness aswell? why am i so lucky in this world? why do i have all i need while some people are starving on the streets? how can people kill?? how can war be normal and ok? how can people not ask this aall the time! everywhere! am i alone? does everything around me consist of the same as i? am i everything? sometimes when i run i feel like i am everything, and my body is just a doll, which everything moves around. and i feel so much. i want to dig deep inside myself and disapear into the dancing feeling, but yet everything around me is still here. i still speak and take showers and eat. sometimes i watch myself while i do it, and my body just moves. like in a movie. just as when i am writing right now. it just is happening. i am in here!
i feel so confused.
i am hoping to hear comforting words and fearing that the answer will be that this is how it always will be. |
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 5:32:16 PM
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Hi, what a beautiful post.
No, you are not crazy. Nor alone.  It seems to me you are a seeker, like so many of us. An avid one. Well, I don't really want to preach or give you advices. Just to let you know that I understand your feelings and doubts. You seem to be in a good path, just maybe not try so hard to understand? You know, I found out that if you ask (even no need for words) the answer will come to you so be calm and certain that it will come, but don't be anxious every moment on the lookout for it. It is there, it will reveal itself, just try to be at peace and let it flow.
But maybe you have a fiery nature...you want it all and you want it now...that is not so bad either but try to moderate...(I know it can be easier said than done)...I too don't know everything and don't know if I'll ever do and I have searched for answers and I have felt many feelings, and I let the fire, the angry fire that did not understand how people could not see the beauty around them, how could people not see, how can wars and pain exist and people just accept it...I was angry, very angry...but it took me nowhere, you know? I ended up just burning myself up and changing nothing...so I learned modesty...it is hard...but slowly, patiently (a lot!), with love and care for my own nature first of all and to the fact that I don't know everything, I quietly, with a smile on my face or inside of me, communicate with what is, let it flow with me now and then and let me flow in its wings...the mistery is all around, all the time, there is no need to run to catch it, just the need to listen carefully, be atentive and open our eyes. It is all there.
How to listen and open our eyes? Good question That is the trick, isn't it? For me the key is meditation, no doubt. Focus the mind, gives clarity, peace and quiet. And then you are more still and the world doesn't move so fast anymore...you start to notice...it all comes back to you...slowly...
Other people paint, or make music, or sing...anything really, to dance with your inside, as you put it...all this things help you to relate to it and let it come alive and let it come out...it is a magical thing... |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 7:36:27 PM
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Foralways - I just finished reading Yogani's Bhakti book (the pink one on the right of the screen) and I think you might benefit from it. It would seem that your heart is overflowing with passion, but you're not sure how or where to direct it. By finding an ishta, or chosen ideal, you can easily learn to direct your passion into that. For most people, their ishta is God, but it doesn't have to be as specific as that - it could just be an appreciation for the divine mystery. Which you already have - but the key is to direct your intense feelings into it. I'm guessing that if you were to do so, some of your confusion would change into a deep appreciation for the mystery of who we are and what we're doing here.
An analogy: Think of a river flowing within its banks. If you take away the banks, the water will go all over the place without direction. The banks are what contain the water and give it direction. Your ishta is your banks. |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4430 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 06:39:14 AM
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Hi foralways
Welcome to the forum.
I don't quite understand your question. Are you saying is their a spiritual life, and does it lead beyond suffering to joy and peace and bliss and divine benediction?
If that is the question, then yes there is. Are you practicing meditation and yoga? And if so, don't your teachers tell you this?
Christi |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 11:49:35 AM
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Hi Foralways
Thank you for sharing
quote:
what is awareness?
Awareness (silence) is what you are. You are that - that is why it cannot be grasped by the mind.....because it is prior to mind. You don't have to do a single thing to be what you already are.(Makes sense, doesn't it?) But in order to see this......that this is in fact so.......deep meditation is the best tool I know of. This - coupled with a willingness to inquire into your exsistence. To find out for yourself. But since it is not mind that realizes awareness (mind is itself a happening in awareness)......then a lot of thinking about why we are here, who we are and what we will become will not solve anything. No answers can be found in the mind. That is why you are confused.
So - if thinking about everything won't lessen the confusion, then we are left with our direct experience, right? This is why we practise meditation and other limbs of Yoga. It helps us to let go of that which we think we are. Gradually we stop identifying with everything that goes on in awareness......and in this stopping, more and more of awareness is revealed to us. More an more of it is allowed to shine through.
And the reason the mind is said to veil the awareness from perceiving itself, is the fact that we are interested in the chatter that is the mind. The activity that is mind draws us to itself. We - who are actually already aware.....we attach ourselves (attention) to thoughts, images, objects, feelings. This draws us "away" from the present moment. And so we are seamingly "lost".....unaware. But only seamingly. Because all along....that which is awareness is aware still. Or else we would not be here. When our consciousness expands, we naturally become more and more interested in awareness/silence itself. Which is always here. And only now. More and more of our attention is turned towards That instead of the chatter/objects/feelings. Even though we don't see That, we are turned towards it. We long for it. We are naturally devoted to it (Bhakti). Silence/Awareness has this impact on us.
That is why I meditate.
And since our interest is on That.....we get more and more intimate with That by being willing to be more and more still inside. This is "letting go".
When relaxed like this.....the world is perceived to be naturally beautiful. Everything has an implicit meaningfulness to it. Mind is allowed but not over everything else. Everybody and everything is That which we are. Love, clarity, strength, Joy....these are perceived even in surroundings that are difficult or tragic. Since nothing is that is not That. And our ability to respond in a helpful way to that which is taking place around us is enhanced. We are able to see clearly - so actions are happening that are truly beneficial.
It also involes the nervous system in the body (I am sure you know this). The nervous system is gradually purified. So that the depth of consciously being That continuously deepens.
quote:
arewe peaces of a bigger awareness aswell?
We are not pieces of that. We are that - the whole of it. It is like a hologram, right?......Even though we are living in this body.....the awareness (the silence).....is the same everywhere. It is always all of it that is here. It is just that all of it is not perceived. It is what everything and everyone is made of everywhere always. It cannot be any other way. Awareness cannot be split in two. It is always one.
quote:
i am hoping to hear comforting words and fearing that the answer will be that this is how it always will be.
On the contrary! Stay with a consistant practise (AYP is a great tool in my experience - read Yoganis lessons and let yourself be inspired). Your confusion will come and go and stop altogether. You will feel more and more gratitude; a greater and greater ability to appreciate.
You will be more and more effortless, and yet experience the Joy of living ....just by the simplest fact of all - the fact that you are alive and moving along as this very fact.
Dancing is a much better word for it - keep trusting that this dance is what you are .
It is this that will always be.
Everything else comes and goes.
All the best to you
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YogaIsLife
641 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 6:16:57 PM
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| My god Katrine, that was just beautiful summary of everything, put into beautiful words. I was entranced by your words of This that is. Thank you for a beautiful summation and reminder of what we are. Thank you. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 6:49:35 PM
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I thank you too, YogaIsLife
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foralways
Sweden
19 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 6:50:57 PM
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YogaIsLife, i thank you for your understanding. i sometimes think i am craxy, or at least different from many people around me. i realize i am quite impatient. i have had strong experiances from yoga and meditation. glimpses, maybe. i have not done this for a long time, i did not expect such strong experiances and it moving my world and the perception of the world so much. i always questioned, always had times when i looked around and felt like asking "what is this??", a feeling like i am surrounded by unknown. i always pushed the thoughts away, i was amazed by everything around, but didnt let it out fully.
trying meditation and yoga seems to have opened some door and a lot is rushing out. a lot is allowed. but it is beautiful, what i sense and feel inside, and everywhere.
i just need to dare to trust that it will not go away. and being so unexperianced in this, i let my mind interfere and analyse too much.
so, yes, patient is something i need. i am only 22, i hope there is time to learn :)
but i really get long periods of confusion, when i stare at the world, and it stares right back. and i just am amazed, somtimes even frightened, of how i have no clue of what i am or what we are. and i sense a huge dimension inside... so i guess... i should just try to trust. and stop being afraid that not questioning will mean not appreciating and then forgetting.
manipura.. i really like the sound of what you are writing. especially the metafor of the water. thank you for the tip of the book :)
christi... thank you for the welcome :) I recently started yoga and meditation. i have had a lot of result already, but it seems as though I am overwhelming with emotions. one day i feel confidence in the spiritual life, the next i am afraid to loose it. and all mixed with joy, anger, frustration. i cry, i laugh, i appreciate, i feel that my appreciation is not enough. confusion is the best word i find to explain it.
So, you are right, that is my question. I just did not know it when I wrote :)
I feel that I need to feel the answer. the teachers talk about the spiritual life within, but it is all in spnish (recently moved here) and i havent had the courage to talk to them one on one to understand more.
and surely not to express all i did here. i now know my question, but i need to learn to trust the answer.
katrine...
i read your post over and over. i am sure i will be back to read it again.
from all replies I realize i need not to worry, but to trust the practice. i am following the AYP lessons, i am inspired by them, but am only at the first step. i try to make this a natural part of my day.
i felt the dance today. i realize, it is always there as you say. but practices surely enhances it. or maybe takes down the blocks around it. i want to let all theese feeling wash over me, because as you say i am here still, inside, everywhere, so why fear it.
i need to feel. i like what you say, because it really isnt complicated. i relize it is me who complicates.
thank you very much.
it was great to express my thoughts here.
i am happy to be on this path, and i am excited about now. and to continue exploring meditation and yoga.
i really appreciate this. |
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confusion
