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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 14 2008 : 06:34:28 AM
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| My Yoga is stuck because I'm unable to approach groups of women. I'm unable to practice non attachment with my fear. I know by surrendering to my fear I'm creating more concrete illusions which will hamper self realization but I'm simply getting tied down when I see even smaller groups of women. I haven't known an activity quite like approaching women that requires the biggest ego transcendence. I'd appreciate to know if any other man who's had similar issues and resolved them would like to help me. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2008 : 11:15:07 AM
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Hi Maximus,
Whether it's fear of approaching women, fear of public speaking, fear of what some aspect of your physical appearance might mean to others, fear of failing etc. every human being experiences fear to some degree or another. Which particular fear it is that manifests is almost irrelevant, it comes down to an internal belief that we have about how unpleasant or undesirable the given situation or experience has been or will be for us.
So if you believe that approaching groups of women is horribly unpleasant because you feel it is embarrassing, or that you will fail, or that they will reject you, etc., then you will live these very experiences until you realize that they are not necessarily as bad or as true as you originally thought. You didn't die, you didn't explode, you lived through it and survived, in fact, part of you didn't even change throughout the experience, what part it that?
How can we accelerate transcending our fears?
4 things you can do:
1- Do your daily sitting practices centered around deep meditation twice every day and your fears will slowly fade away over time. Imagine a large pile of sand beside you and every day you walk up to that pile of sand with a table-spoon and dump that table-spoon of sand into a nearby river. You will hardly notice the change from day to day in the pile of sand, but if you look back at it after a few years of consistent practice, you will be surprised to see that there is almost no sand left.
2- See if you can find anything positive about your given fear(s). What's positive about approaching women? Be creative, maybe it's exciting on some level? Maybe the intensity of the situation makes you feel really alive? Only you can find something positive in a given situation you fear. So ask yourself what is the very worst thing that could happen, and if it did, is there anything at all about it that could possibly be a positive outcome of it happening? Find something positive even if it seems absurd at first.
3- Identify what you believe approaching women means to you and ask yourself if it is really true or certain that what you believe will for sure come to pass. So if you think you might say something undesirable, is it absolutely certain that you will? As Byron Katie teaches with her method of self-inquiry, what would it be like if you didn't have the belief in that particular situation? Try to imagine what it would be like if you didn't believe anything negative could happen, how would you feel and how would things go? Realize that your fears won’t necessarily come to pass.
4- Visualize yourself approaching women and it going as smoothly as you could possibly have dreamed. You feel calm and relaxed, everything goes really well, etc. Really feel and imagine it and not just once, but many times throughout the day. Be disciplined and make sure you repeat the positive visualization every single time you think about approaching women.
Good luck!
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Edited by - Anthem on Mar 16 2008 09:58:21 AM |
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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2008 : 11:38:10 PM
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| Thanks Anthem. Your reply is thoughtful and I'll try to follow. |
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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 04:18:19 AM
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Hi Anthem
I was reflecting on what you said, and while I agree with everything, what doesn't seem good enough to me is
quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
1- Do your daily sitting practices centered around deep meditation twice every day and your fears will slowly fade away over time. Imagine a large pile of sand beside you and every day you walk up to that pile of sand with a table-spoon and dump that table-spoon of sand into a nearby river.
Although I believe I have removed some amount of sand compared to a few months ago (I don't miss a chance to approach women that are alone, it is groups that intimidate me), I feel extreme amount of guilt when I see a group of women, one of which I like, and yet I don't make the move. A part of me shouts at me to make the move or else I'm kidding myself by supposedly doing sitting practices at home but not doing yoga in the cafeteria. And yet I feel too intimidated to move. The guilt affects me so much so that I cut short my sitting practices asking myself I shouldn't be cheating in one situation and meditating in another, like I really do yoga. In fact I think that the frequent colds I get these days are a subconsicous manifestation to shield myself from the guilt - the sore throat the colds cause and giving me an excuse for not approaching women. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 05:15:58 AM
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Hello Maximus,
I am in the process of resolving these fears with help from www.ideagasms.net
Its not some seduction/'become an alpha male' site - its created for genuine, spiritually-inclined men to develop themselves to be more Loving towards, and thus more succesful with, women. The ethos is to JUST LOVE WOMEN, unconditionally, to shed the neediness of the ego, and to mature. The power of Love, Chakras, Levels of Consciousness, etc. are all part of the program - perfect for a yogi.
I realised I had anxiety of approaching women because deep down, I wanted to get certain energies from women. I wanted to get approval, I wanted to get validation, I wanted to get sex (even if I would repress that aspect, it was still there). I was giving my power&self-worth away to their opinion of me, where in reality, their opinion of me is none of my business.
From this paradigm, every interaction was something to feel anxious about - because I had an AGENDA, or a GOAL. This is typical Ego playing as God and trying to control the situation, even before the situation happens.
Its being stuck in the lower chakras of sex & posession.
I've been studying serious the ideaGasms material and talking daily on the support forum since last September and my paradigm is slowly but surely shifting.
When the heart chakra is open for me, Love is an innately gratifying consciousness field - I don't need approval from anybody, because I have approval from GOD. I experience the feelings of Love and Bliss one would try to get from a lover. Thus, there is no subtle feeling of having to GET anything from a woman. Thus, with a wide open heart chakra, I can LOVE women.
Its honest vulnerability. My heart chakra was beaming open the other week. I approached a group of girls in a bar and politely asked if I may sit with them for a minute. I told them that if any of them felt uncomfortable with me joining them at any point, they could tell me to leave without worry and I'd buzz off. (This is great by the way, helps make things comfortable quickly!) and proceeding, right off the bat, to explain all my fears about approaching women to them, and how I was trying to see the fears for what they were. Imagine joining a group of hot-looking female strangers and just telling them how afraid you've been of approaching them! Its scary to the ego.
And guess what, they LOVED me for the honesty.
All I can say is that last year I felt very much as you do now, then thankfully stumbled across this website and its teachings, and now, wow.. things are changing. I am more attractive to women, but that is like a nice side-effect. The primary goal is healing ANYTHING that stands in the way to truly LOVING women. My evolution is one of shedding the shyness, the fear, the pure-lust-consciousness(devoid of care), the bitterness & resentment towards women (yes, there will be some), the need for approval, for validation, etc. so that I may come from Love.
I'm feeling much happier!
the 'Intro to iG' product is about $20 and has hours of video interviews with Stephane.. and some really awesome other stuff. Don't mind how they are pitched to the masses, its a good way to pull people into higher relationship & compassion. I'd really recommend you check it out. Your call as always :).
(No I don't work for them!)
Jack
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 05:18:38 AM
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By the way, even if you don't check out the website, one little nugget of wisdom:
If you masturbate to pornography, it would be really wise to stop.
Masturbating to porno downloads a lot of guilt & shame into the body that will surface whenever you think about approaching real, living, divine women. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 06:25:49 AM
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Jack,
My heart sings of joy when I read your posts above! You are becoming a gentleman! Women melt when a man is radically honest and radiates Truth!
Thank you for those beautiful posts full of wisdom!
/emc |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 1:17:50 PM
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emc,
How you doin'? =)
Hahaha, only kidding.
It fills me with joy to see a woman who can perceive honest vulnerability as strength of character, instead of perceiving it as 'weak' (as most low consciousness women do)
You see, Maximus?
The ones with a lot of darkness get scared by the Love. The loving ones like our emc here, they're the keepers!
Love to all.
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Maximus
India
187 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2008 : 04:47:45 AM
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| Jack you have your own way but I rather prefer the bad boy/alpha male teachings. In my opinion the dating gurus are also talking about Yoga. Guys like David DeAngelo(an internet dating guru) in fact say that men should evolve and grow continously. |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2008 : 05:22:00 AM
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Sure, man, do what you will..
Just sharing what I am enthusiastic about.
Good luck getting over the anxiety. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2008 : 11:28:06 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Maximus
Hi Anthem
I was reflecting on what you said, and while I agree with everything, what doesn't seem good enough to me is
quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
1- Do your daily sitting practices centered around deep meditation twice every day and your fears will slowly fade away over time. Imagine a large pile of sand beside you and every day you walk up to that pile of sand with a table-spoon and dump that table-spoon of sand into a nearby river.
[quote]Although I believe I have removed some amount of sand compared to a few months ago (I don't miss a chance to approach women that are alone, it is groups that intimidate me), I feel extreme amount of guilt when I see a group of women, one of which I like, and yet I don't make the move. A part of me shouts at me to make the move or else I'm kidding myself by supposedly doing sitting practices at home but not doing yoga in the cafeteria. And yet I feel too intimidated to move. The guilt affects me so much so that I cut short my sitting practices asking myself I shouldn't be cheating in one situation and meditating in another, like I really do yoga.
Hi Maximus,
I admire your determination to overcome your fears. You indicate above that you feel guilty when you don't approach women, so you do what most human beings do when they feel guilty, you punish yourself. In your case, you punish yourself by cutting your sitting practices short, but does this course of action really solve any problems or help you in the future?
Just because you haven't overcome the group situations that you would like to have already overcome by today, doesn't mean you won't by tomorrow. So you have removed some sand and have already seen improvements, all it means from my perspective is that you need to continue with the practices until much more sand is removed. It takes time for the brain and its behavioral patterns to change. So having patience with yourself is important.
In regards to the feelings of guilt, you may want to ask yourself why you feel you have failed when you don't approach a group. Does it mean you will never approach any group or maybe the group you see in one moment wouldn't have been receptive to your approach, so not approaching was the correct action? Listening to your internal instincts is important and leads to success. Allow yourself the freedom to choose not to approach or to approach, the power to choose either. Not approaching doesn't necessarily mean failure, but perhaps is helping you to cultivate confidence for the right moment to approach.
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2008 : 3:51:56 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Maximus
Although I believe I have removed some amount of sand compared to a few months ago (I don't miss a chance to approach women that are alone, it is groups that intimidate me), I feel extreme amount of guilt when I see a group of women, one of which I like, and yet I don't make the move. A part of me shouts at me to make the move or else I'm kidding myself by supposedly doing sitting practices at home but not doing yoga in the cafeteria. And yet I feel too intimidated to move. The guilt affects me so much so that I cut short my sitting practices asking myself I shouldn't be cheating in one situation and meditating in another, like I really do yoga. In fact I think that the frequent colds I get these days are a subconsicous manifestation to shield myself from the guilt - the sore throat the colds cause and giving me an excuse for not approaching women.
Hey Maximus,
First of all, no worries, I'm not trying to plug anything to you. I studied the DYD material myself for a while, its all appropriate.
I just wanted to share an awesome inner-game technique for shedding this anxiety. If you find it useful, cool, if not, fine. It has an aspect of NLP, and an aspect of physically clearing energies related to specific issues from the nervous system.
The exercise is talked about by Stephen Covey, as 'complementary opposites'. It's also called 'Karma clearing'.
It may sound a little whacky, but from my experience I can tell you its works well, if its given time.
What one does is lay down or stand. Have the back straight, that's what matters.
Now think back to a situation you wanted to approach a girl but didn't.
Feel the feelings you felt then - they may be fear, anxiety, hesitation, shame, whatever.
Amplify that feeling, let it grow.
See where in the BODY you feel those feelings - you may notice a tightness in the stomach area, chest area, in the throat, or any number of places.
Perceive those sensations as energy. Just observe those sensations-as-energy for a little while, see how they connect, how they feel.
Noww.... on an inhale, with a loud, throaty noise - like you are growling, or coughing, SUCK that energy up and into the head. Now, this feeling, what COLOUR is it? Whatever colour first comes into mind is good enough.
Cup the palms of your hands and hold them in front of the third eye.
Now, on an exhale, with the same throaty noise, sneeze/grock/spit that energy into the palms of your hand.
Imagine the energy as a ball of the colour decided on earlier. Look at that ball of colour. What FEELING is it? Name that feeling, a simple one word feeling such as 'fear', 'anxiety', whatever.
Now ask yourself, what is the OPPOSITE of that feeling?
i.e. the opposite of fear may be love, relaxation to anxiety, curiosity over shyness, whatever.
Now ask yourself, what COLOUR is that opposite, positive feeling?
Great, now turn the ball in your mind until it is one half the first colour, one half the second colour, and just look at it.
Now, cut it down the middle and, in your mind's eye, enter the ball, one colour either side of you, and ask yourself:
WHAT LESSON HAVE I SET UP FOR MYSELF?
WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?
WHAT MUST I TAKE FROM THIS?
etc.
Let the answers come to you intuitively. They will normally be simple answers like 'I must keep my own power', or, 'I must accept my desires', or whatever.
Now take that lesson and phrase it as a positive affirmation. The previous would become 'I own my own power', or 'I accept my desires fully'. Really FEEL the affirmation.
Now, with the load, throaty noise I mentioned earlier, INHALE this new affirmation and breathe it deeply into your body, and say the affirmation out loud, or silently.
And then put yourself back in the situation and see how you feel, see if you CAN get any more negative feelings going.. don't shut off and kid yourself you feel better if you don't, keep going with it.. its like peeling layers of an onion. It may take a hundred rounds. It may only take a couple.
Anyway, hope this is of some help.
Jack
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