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Anthem
1608 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 06 2008 : 9:41:08 PM
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Over the last few years my experience of reality has changed with all the AYP practices, self inquiry and constant but welcomed life lessons etc.(though usually after the fact ).
First I came to dwell more completely in my heart, undivided within myself for a time, but still very much separate. Not feeling the oneness, except on very rare occasions which were so fleeting and easy to forget. My first wish was answered, my heart lives again, no longer numb, the love pours forth with ease and is always there just beneath the surface, it was suffocating when it was not (literally at times).
Then or perhaps simultaneously, the slow dismantling of my identity of what I thought I was (not easy at all), seeming like 1 thought at a time, but whole mountains were disappearing under the surface with the daily AYP practices. A few very painful life experiences along the way over the last couple of years, certainly helped iron out another chunk of confused notions about how it all "should" be. Yes, I thought reality should be otherwise, imagine that! 
Shortly after, I started to perceive myself as nothingness when I looked closely, the realization that none of the thoughts of myself are true, that our mediocrity is completely imagined, freed me a little more. There is still, on occasions, the need to realize this one by one with some of the more stubborn thoughts even though I know the answer will be that they aren't any more binding than any of the others. So why the exercise? I couldn't tell you though I could guess that it is probably to assuage my fears.
I have always known myself to be the perceiver, though what is perceiving I couldn't answer. A field of pure awareness it seems most times when I "look" closely, I am increasingly intent on knowing. Today for the first time, I saw myself not only as the perceiver, but as the very perceiving itself, not separate at all from the perceiver, one in itself, but what about the perceived, the object, it's supposed to be me too, according to the Seers, but I don't see it yet, should I?
I have been obsessed for the longest time with wanting to know myself as the oneness of it all, is this unrealistic? Recently it occurs to give this pursuit up. I have seen how every molecule of existence is the pure love of God itself, but my self perception doesn't extend to that. I realize wanting to know this as myself takes me away from the very experience of being itself. The place where the only freedom resides, the place of peace and rest.
My prayer these days is for life (God, inner silence etc.) to help me see the beauty and pure wonder of what Is in front of me right now. My wish is to fall in love with reality, because I know it's all I'll ever have.
Not sure why I wrote this, there's not much to say other than to keep practicing daily because I love to practice and for no other reason. The breath is the sacred flow of life through me and the mantra is God if I look deeply enough, when will reality be enough?
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brushjw
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2008 : 10:07:32 PM
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Anthem11,
You expressed quite clearly some of what I have been experiencing. My brain can't keep up with what's going on. Reading of the experience of others helps. A lot. Thank you so much for your post.
quote:
My first wish was answered, my heart lives again, no longer numb
I have to admit I preferred numb until it was no longer an option 
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the realization that none of the thoughts of myself are true, that our mediocrity is completely imagined, freed me a little more.
"As you go deeper and deeper into meditation, you uncover more and more layers of divinity. You continually let go of any darkness from seeing your inner light of beauty and truth. The darkness takes the form of fear, anger, jealousy, hatred, feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, victim thinking and the thousand and one ways that we talk ourselves into believing that we are very ordinary and nothing special."
"The Initiation" by Donald Schnell p. 34
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The breath is the sacred flow of life through me and the mantra is God if I look deeply enough, when will reality be enough?
Yogani has shown us the path. I know AYP has worked profound positive changes in my life. I just have to follow the love out of my personal place of darkness. Yes, love is the answer.
aum namaste,
Joe |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2008 : 10:34:49 AM
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Hi Andrew
Much of what you said rings true for me in many ways. I think it is a natural occurance that each time we reach a new level or debth and have the clear realisation and insights it brings, we then continue with the cycle and end up with the "longing" again, the lonliness for full realisation - whatever that is.
quote:
Not sure why I wrote this, there's not much to say other than to keep practicing daily because I love to practice and for no other reason. The breath is the sacred flow of life through me and the mantra is God if I look deeply enough, when will reality be enough?
"When will reality be enough"
My experience of living in the moment is that it brings up more questions and more reaching - if it is not doing this then I would question the openess of the practice.
It seems to me, and I am going through a similar process myself, that the deeper we go, the deeper we need to go with our inner silence, in order to have a sufficient witness to observe these new levels of longing without getting overwhelmed by them.
If we accept that the longing will always appear and to witness it instead of wondering why it keeps reappearing, then we can let the longing take us back to being fully centred - untill the next time
Don't know if that helps, but it helps me, thanks |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2008 : 1:48:59 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
Today for the first time, I saw myself not only as the perceiver, but as the very perceiving itself, not separate at all from the perceiver, one in itself, but what about the perceived, the object, it's supposed to be me too, according to the Seers, but I don't see it yet, should I?
These passages got my to tighten up when I read it. There's some tension in this that is blocking. The "I don't see it yet, should I?" makes me want to say: No. If you don't see it you shouldn't. Universe makes no mistakes. Everything is in order - it's obviously something else you should see right now.
quote:
Originally posted by Anthem11
I have been obsessed for the longest time with wanting to know myself as the oneness of it all, is this unrealistic? Recently it occurs to give this pursuit up. I have seen how every molecule of existence is the pure love of God itself, but my self perception doesn't extend to that. I realize wanting to know this as myself takes me away from the very experience of being itself. The place where the only freedom resides, the place of peace and rest.
Not unrealistic at all, it sounds like strong bhakti! But I think you have the answer yourself in the next line: To give up is usually the most efficient. As you point out yourself - when the obsession becomes a blockage and we WANT too much, we can be sure it's the ego wanting to have something it thinks it is LACKING. That's the default setting of the mind. To feel lack.
Like Louis, I also find the questions to be more interesting than the answers nowadays. Great questions! Keep asking!
And I strongly had an intuitive urge to check out Nisargadatta's site to see if the day's quote would be appropriate for you... I do believe it is :
quote:
Deepen and broaden your awareness of yourself and all the blessings will flow. You need not seek anything, all will come to you most naturally and effortlessly.
/Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Suryakant
USA
259 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2008 : 11:53:54 PM
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| Let it go, but hold the wheel while driving. |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2008 : 04:23:34 AM
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free yourslef, from yourself.
you should delve more in reading advaita vedanta texts my brother they would give you a very deep and better thinking about what you're experiencing.
salutations |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2008 : 12:34:41 AM
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Thank you everyone for your feedback, greatly appreciated!
Hi Joe, I'm glad it helps others when we share these kinds of posts, makes it more encouraging to do so. I agree love is underneath it all.
Louis, thank you for your advise to accept the longing, this is good for me to be aware of, the longing as yet another thought and so is the belief that there should be more. Both (one and the same?) block me from experiencing the now more completely as part of “me” lingers "out there" looking for something different or something more than the reality before me.
Being "present" in the here and now is the answer and enjoying all that the here and now has to offer is all I can ever ask and do. My post and the feedback here helped me realize it would be helpful to myself to let go of the "need" to experience the oneness. As I do, it is deepening my sense of the here and now, ironically with new "recognitions" of the oneness of it all.
It started with the understanding that we are all the same in our essence, nobody is anything but divine, it is just belief piled upon belief in a thousand ways that we are "not" (= not smart, not capable of anything, not strong, not divine etc.) Turns out it isn't true and we are divine after all, how hilarious that we could believe otherwise about ourselves or about anybody for that matter. The cosmic joke!
EMC, thank you, great insight.
quote:
There's some tension in this that is blocking. The "I don't see it yet, should I?" makes me want to say: No. If you don't see it you shouldn't. Universe makes no mistakes. Everything is in order - it's obviously something else you should see right now.
Yes, you are right, tension here when thinking I am not again. Thank you for helping me see it more clearly, no need to hold on to the thought that I should see otherwise any longer.
Thank you Suryakant and Beirut, yes I let it go, the expansion rises up from my stomach into my heart when I do and feels good but takes some getting used to because it is so endless. I better keep my hands on the wheel and get back to practice!
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