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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 05 2021 : 6:40:01 PM
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Hello everyone,
I hope you are doing well and practice smoothly, and I would like a piece of advise my current experiences need one, since I am in the middle of my biggest challenge.
I'll start by describing the feel of my practices this last couple of months and then how they trespass into my daily life.
Well, the confusion is actually my state of being, not having actual problems with the practices. Since they were fine up to december, at that point I felt some consistent obstructions moving about and I began managing the practices to smooth things out. I feel as if inside of a fog, sometimes a clear one and other times dark and confusing. I lost touch with inner wisdom, slowly entering a spiral of not knowing, not recognizing. I feel my bhakti dispersed, and my kundalini lazy. One day the DM goes smoothly, the next one I feel as if it's the first day I'm doing the practice. Some times I'm stable enough to do samyama, some other I'm facing a wall, not allowing me to release.
And well, the practices will take care of themselves, and yet I feel like coming to a stop, as if encaged. I'm not too concerned since there were many times I fell back down at the beginning. But this began to trouble my daily life, which lately has been unproductive.
Last year I came back to my home country, in which I live in a little city, one that lacks working places. And so, I've been unemployed for some months, and the little activities that I managed to do were short lived. This brought me to contemplate more my life, and enquire also into my way of living until now, since I also had the time to ponder. But slowly I began entering a spiral of confusion, in which I don't know what I should do, I don't know If something should be done and well it goes on and on until there's nothing left that I'm certain of. And while I constantly released all that I felt into stillness I a arrived at a crossroad. In one direction I have the classical flow, the wu wei of not forcing things and adapt to the circumstances, as they say, muddy water is best cleared when left alone. And the other one, do something, but in this one there's a huge wall blocking the view.
And while this chapter makes me grow, the same all the past ones rewarded me with wisdom, I still feel a little lost. Perhaps my hidden ideas of how my life should be are slowly crumbling, perhaps there is no such thing happening and I closed myself in a little bubble playing hide and seek. And even now, I'm in the middle of a void trying to piece things together.
After practices, for several hours there is also a strange thing happening. If I'm imagining something or thinking, another layer appears over it, some red and black smoke intertwines itself with my mind. Then some vague images appear, and while it doesn't give emotions, it clearly represents destruction, or perhaps rage and hate. As if out of a nightmare. A situation that has been becoming clear for about a year, at first just a color, has turned into this. Yet even more uncertainty.
And well, that sums it up in a way. I may just need some encouraging words to resonate with my bhakti, to lessen my worries. Perhaps a little push to face some hidden flaws that I seem to not find. And also, there may be a chance for me to go to Canada in a couple of months to study and work. So perhaps I've managed to move some miracle through frustration haha.
Best wishes for you too, struggling with past karma, and present challenges.
I guess it's true, that man suffers what the gods made for fun.
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Edited by - zamolxes on Feb 10 2021 6:45:42 PM |
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interpaul
USA
551 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2021 : 01:27:31 AM
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| Zamolxes, It sounds like your life is in a state of turmoil on many levels. I wonder if returning to your home country without any work has been the primary source of the loss of focus. You state you are "not having actual problems with the practices" A change of scenery in Canada with study and work may help you find your focus/passion again. My struggles have mostly been in the realm of relationships. Although the meditation practices help some, I've ultimately had to put in the time working on those relationships. Good luck to you. |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1734 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2021 : 06:02:01 AM
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Hello zamolxes
The fluctuations you are describing are not unusual. The process of getting establishes in awareness and bliss has turns and roundabouts. We keep practicing, self pacing as necessary and the clouds will thin out and eventually clear.
I would agree with Interpaul that the practical situation you are in needs some attention. Part of what you are experiencing might be a voice inside telling you that your present lifestyle is not sustainable. Dealing with unemployment is tough, and these pandemic times are not great for finding a new job, but do you have a plan for dealing with the challenge? You might use this quiet time to improve your skills in your chosen field. It may be difficult knowing what you need to learn before actually embarking on a career. Have you identified a line of work that sparks your interest? You may be able to find online communities of professionals in that area.
You may be needing a daily schedule of study (if not work), grounding and keeping fit. At least that's how I read your post.
Good luck!  |
Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Feb 06 2021 06:29:41 AM |
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2021 : 08:45:40 AM
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Thank you for your answers, interpaul and Blue Raincoat,
I think that the cause may be this state of inactivity, which ultimately leaves me in lack of self confidence and floods my inner silence with worries.
I did take time to write, even created an account on Upwork, a platform for freelancers. But there's not much work to do, and of course it leads to more feelings of insecurity. As for a field or career for which I could devote myself, well I've never been able to find one yet. Jack of all trades but master of none.
As for activities, I do take time to cook for myself, I take long walks with my dogs and play the guitar every day, from time to time I help my dad with his job and ocassionaly a friend with his little factory of organic candles in an apartment kitchen  .
As for the turmoil, it does feel like the inner voice trying to send a message, for now, not being really able to work on it I take it as something that will make me grow. Perhaps soon I'll be able to get out of my cocoon and let myself become an expression of what i feel in my heart.
Because, deep down there's no worry, no stress. I feel like this is okay too, and the moment I figure myself out, the moment when these karmic impurities that are attached to the event clear up, and a change in my outer life happens will happen at the same time. Until then, I'll keep my inner ears open and my sight on the good, maybe try to pick up clues.
Thank you for concern  |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1734 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2021 : 10:30:05 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by zamolxes
As for a field or career for which I could devote myself, well I've never been able to find one yet. Jack of all trades but master of none.
I know that feeling. Throughout my school years, I did reasonably well on all subjects but never discovered one that I had a passion for. I think it is like that for a good number of people. Not everyone has a unique vocation to pursue all their life. I for one switched careers twice. But you know what? Nothing that I learnt was wasted.
Sometimes you get into learning something because you can, because it's available to you. With some disciplines, it's easier to be a self-starter. For instance, you can't be a self-taught physician, but you can be a self-taught web developer or a graphic designer, to pick two at random. Once you develop a skill, you can then make things, to show the world that you can. Out of the disciplines that are accessible to you to learn on your own, is there any that you are curious about? Read on it. Make a start. And if it's not for you, you would have cleared that question.
Your English is very good. That gives you access to masses of knowledge, all free on the internet.
Take care and good luck |
Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Feb 06 2021 10:33:01 AM |
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2021 : 10:59:49 AM
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I just finished my practices for today, and with the clarity of the moment if I am to ponder I guess I would choose Psychology. This was one of the possibilities I thought of in high school to understand better a friend of mine who had one foot into schizophrenia because of drugs.
Nowadays I guess I wanted time to really know, and well in my country we have a saying : that hunger comes while eating. So perhaps I'll try to pursue this career and help the so many people struggling with their own minds. Or as I envision it, letting inner silence balance the world through me.
Thank you for your presence, I actually started feeling better after writing it up, and now that it's being shared with you people I feel more light and hopeful. Really wonderful |
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interpaul
USA
551 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2021 : 11:25:41 AM
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| Zamolxes, Personal experiences with people who suffer with mental illness can be a strong motivator to go into the field of psychology. Many people are drawn to the field to heal their own struggles too. Your vision of bringing inner silence to the world to heal is beautiful. I am glad you are feeling better. Working as a physician has been deeply meaningful in my life. Helping to reduce others suffering has given me great joy. I wish you well on your path. Take your time sorting things out. It is rare for individuals to have everything figured out, especially early in life. It sounds like you are a very kind person who have a lot to offer the world. |
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2021 : 12:44:20 PM
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| Thank you for your kind words interpaul Part of the worries of young people like me seems to be finding a meaningful life to lead. Either create something good and offer it to the world, or repair what has gone dark. I hope to get to do one of these at least and sorting myself out in the meanwhile. |
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zamolxes
Romania
93 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2021 : 6:46:25 PM
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After some long thinking I'm sharing the continuation of my inquiries, maybe to someone curious, someone that would one day read this with a similar state of mind, and for anyone with a remainder to chek up on themselves, knowing that, while one shields himself from the bad, becomes it by default.
On another inquiry, this clouded state of being in which I find myself is none other than my own creation. A cage of which cold iron bars I unknowingly put together in time because of fear and anger. The maze of uncertainty in which aimlessly I wander has grown as weeds in the garden I wishfully desired to be full of flowers.
This illness is negation, it is denial. Through diverse reasons I decided to shield myself from harmless situations and people in a cage of my own, in which I sought freedom. People's odd behaviors, my judgement reflected on theirs, ignorance and poor management of ones inner and shared frailty has made me doubt people and their words.
It seems that my idealism was strongly threatened by the law of the jungle of the world, in which pride and ignorance wanders. I was, in lack of a better word, repulsed by the ways in which people lived their lives. Aware of their thoughts and actions, and the suffering it caused to themselves and people of their environment in which I find myself, I decided to throw my 2 cents on these matters, from wherever I found myself to be. Only to be met by intellectuals praising "profound" words, only to have them fly out on the other ear. Describe me as in the Alan Parsons song "Psychobabble" "I'm too scared to run and too weak to fight, but I don't care, it's all Psychobabble rap to me".
Seeing no change, but an increase in that which I found myself unable to embrace any longer, I hid myself more and more, to the point of isolation. Not engaging any more in the stories that played out in people's minds, renouncing the knowledge that burdened everyone, I began to doubt myself, my discoveries and my spirituality.
This disease of the soul, extended itself into all aspects of my life, inhibiting me more and more, making me hide from life. And oh so subtle it was that even now I doubt if what I'm writing gets even close to the cause.
Anyways, I've decided to feed a sense of truth and love more than any other thing, in hopes that the flowers of my garden will truly blossom, and so that the weeds diminish before attracting bugs or god knows what else. And so I decide to go by the quote "If I do not know where I'm going, any road will take me there" and embrace the flow of life that passes through all this scenery of good and bad.
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Edited by - zamolxes on Feb 10 2021 8:07:42 PM |
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interpaul
USA
551 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2021 : 9:26:30 PM
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| A beautifully poetic description of embracing the journey ahead. Maybe a career as a poet or novelist would be worth entertaining too. |
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In denial of movement
