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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 15 2016 : 8:44:35 PM
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Hi everyone,
It has been some time now. I find myself where my devotion/will power/drive/desire, has been what it feels like crushed or suppressed by something.
I used to have so much desire back then but now it feels like I am being held back. A feeling of exhaustion. I cannot get my practice to stay. I try to start but I feel dead inside. Just no drive at all.
Any ideas as to whats going on and what I can do about it? My practice over all is just deep breathing, taking it nice and slow. Whenever it does happen that is, which is rare now.
It feels like a hand of God just holding me back....
Every other aspect of my life I can and do have a lot of drive to get things done but here poof all gone.  |
Edited by - AYPforum on Nov 19 2016 1:18:13 PM |
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2016 : 9:52:28 PM
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I remember your posts twenty or so months ago, you were overboard with desire and energy experiences and I was counseling self-pacing. Perhaps you pushed too hard on prana arousal? Are you still chasing experiences? Now you're just practicing pranayama, because overload, or something else? Meditation is the most important piece, why have you forsaken it?
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 01:04:54 AM
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| Hi LordBuzzKill, sorry to read that. I don't know what your practice is/was, but maybe you have done practices that injured you. So I suggest that you stop them all at least for some time. Forget all spiritual stuff and just live your life fir a while. In time, your intuition will tell. Don't strain. Following a formal spiritual path is not a must. Life is. |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 02:12:58 AM
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ya that was years ago around 2013 the burn out. It was a fun journey with a hell of a fall. Ya I kept on looking. Then I had strong feelings that forced me to relax and take it easy. NOW it's just ridiculous. Taking it easy to an extreme. Which mean no practice at all, I mean that just nuts to an extreme of relaxing and doing nothing. Many things in my life are improving a lot. Found a positive way to deal with my back problems by learning about Proper Posture and all that related material.
In short many things have improved a lot. Except my meditation practice. That has been on some kind of forced hold not by my will. All the negative stuff I had from the Overload are long gone as far as I can tell. This is just odd I just don't feel the power to just do it. It's like some kind of force field. I want to do it I try to go and do it and poof I'm done nothing..... Didn't even get to practice.... Imagine your car running out of gas.... that's how it feels. |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 03:13:23 AM
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Hi Ecdyonurus,
I have a feeling you are right. For that is what I have been doing. Just living. It just felt right, to just live my life and let it all naturally come together on its own.
At times the automatic meditation kicks in on its own. I usually have no say. It does feel nice and relaxing. It just feels right. You know? |
Edited by - LordBuzzKill on Nov 16 2016 04:55:36 AM |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 04:17:19 AM
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| Now I understand better, hence my question: If you experience so much improvement in your life and thing are going fine even without doing any formal spiritual practice, so where is the problem? |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 08:58:36 AM
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Hi LordBuzzKill,
Glad to hear things are better. If you just want to enjoy Life right now then do so. You can always come back to the cushion when you feel ready.
Once we go through/clean enough sludge in our inner world, we'll come to a place which we have always been searching for knowingly, unknowingly.
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 10:36:08 AM
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| The problem. Shouldn't one be able to just sit and meditate at will? |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2016 : 10:53:26 AM
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Your choice, to kick yourself friendly, sit and let the thoughts about it go in silence, or not to sit and let the thoughts about it go in silence.  |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2016 : 01:55:53 AM
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I really like that it just works without any effort on my part. 
I can wait and practice at will later when I am ready.  |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2016 : 05:59:13 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by LordBuzzKill
The problem. Shouldn't one be able to just sit and meditate at will?
IMO no. Why should that be a must, or even simply better? Actually, forcing yourself to sit and do formal meditation sounds like a bad idea to me - you may end up hating meditation and quit, or even injuring yourself by forcing to do a practice that is not well suited for you.
By the way, I also don't agree with the idea of coming back to the meditation cushion when you are READY. Much better IMO to do it when you FEEL THE NEED. This makes a big difference to me.
The idea of becoming READY for something implies that now you are not ready, not complete, not enough, or that something is still wrong with you. This is harmful thinking IMO.
Edit: spelling |
Edited by - Ecdyonurus on Nov 18 2016 06:33:48 AM |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2016 : 1:18:13 PM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2016 : 3:16:25 PM
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That's what I am talking about "Ecdyonurus".
I simply don't feel the need to and when I want to (forcing it) I just feel so tired and I never get around to it. I am talking about this feeling of the need to meditate. I simply don't have it any more. Is that normal? Like a safety feature.
I don't mind, it just happens on its own and that's just fine with me. I just wanted to know is this good or bad. What's going on, that's all. |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2016 : 07:12:40 AM
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| It would be interesting to read more about your meditation practices: what formal practices have you done before, and what is that "spontaneous meditation" you are doing now that you stopped any formal practices? |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2016 : 08:17:31 AM
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| "You know son, they can't put it in you, and they can't take it out." — from the movie The Dale Earnhardt Story, in reference to the desire to endure and progress on the race track, and in life |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2016 : 9:14:02 PM
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Long story short.
16 years ago I started practicing meditation when I took Kung Fu. I played around with the Occult. Not much came from that. Practiced meditation for a good night of sleep just before bed. The meditation was just breathing as I was taught in Kung Fu, nothing fancy like AYP. I learned I had some great powers that came naturally to me. Like my GPS, oh that is some amazing stuff. I would just know where people were and I could automatically find them no matter where they were and what they were doing. I had a vision that came true. I saw it with my 3rd eye. It was amazing. I had a few moments where my body wanted to automatically astral project, because I didn't know what was happening I panicked and stopped it twice. When falling a sleep I couldn't move and the loud buzzing noise like white static was unpleasant. Happened when I was dead tired. Since then it never came around again.
Around 2012-2013 I found AYP. Started practicing Deep Meditation (I AM). Things were going great. I was overflowing with Desire/Bahkti/Devotion. I thought why not speed up the process and took the final form of (I AM) and stepped on the gas. At first it was slow then I turned it all the way up. Took off like a Rocket into outer space. (What I did was take the final form of I AM and chanted it like a madman really fast). What a blast it was. I felt great power, the warmth and Kundalini moving through my legs like lighting. The days that followed were turbulent at best. What a roller-coaster ride it was. I burnt out and had an overload. I could not meditate any more. My 3rd eye would physically twitch and it was impossible to really focus past a few seconds. That was that.
Took me years to cool off. To get some balance back in my life. And as you know now things are going well. |
Edited by - LordBuzzKill on Nov 20 2016 9:59:56 PM |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2016 : 09:07:01 AM
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Interesting story, thank you for sharing!
You seem to be very sensitive to practices, since you had very strong experiences even in your pre-AYP years (you mention using breath medition back then).
Given the way you describe your story, switching to AYP in 2012 had a major impact on you.
Do you think that you are too sensitive for a powerful approach like AYP? Or did you simply ignore / skip the AYP lessons on self-pacing?
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Nov 22 2016 : 5:34:29 PM
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I was receptive to Deep Meditation before the Over Load. I became sensitive to Deep Meditation after the Over Load. Clearly I ignored self-pacing in search of POWER!
I could still practice Deep Meditation on a bumpy road. Until recently that is. Now it feels like my car is Under some kind of Autopilot that I have no control over. Like I am just a passenger in my own Car! |
Edited by - LordBuzzKill on Nov 22 2016 6:20:12 PM |
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LordBuzzKill
Canada
171 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2016 : 4:39:35 PM
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Ok Problem solved. I was just tired from all the work that kept me busy. Which kept my gas tank empty in my car. Now I have no problem starting when ever I want. Physically I was fine but just had no more energy left to do anything spiritual. That is why at first it seemed odd to me. And took some time to figure out. After a lot of rest, everything got better.
It is nice when you take the time and peacefully follow the practice gently applying the meditation practice. It sure is a nice drive this time around!
Thank you everyone for the help. |
Edited by - LordBuzzKill on Dec 04 2016 5:07:46 PM |
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devotion or lack thereof
