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Zak
USA
3 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 24 2014 : 03:35:01 AM
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It seems ive come to the right place to begin finding answers. The past couple years have been very spiritually dramatic for me and Im seeking understanding of my experiences to further my growth, though this is difficult as part of this drama has been the inability to clearly recall or remember. My experiences seem to match those of forced/rushed/unguided awakening, specifically kundalini and opening of the third eye.
To begin, I consciously started my journey at a very young age, early on wanting to become a priest or monk. I developed understanding of God in more christian perspective mostly through prayer and reflection (or as I understand now to be known as meditation). This development took a dramatic turn these past couple years though. I began using the internet and consequently was exposed to "reason" and atheism. Though i never truly considered myself a religious person, the surmountable 'evidence' I encountered falsifying religion shook my faith and understanding. This exposure led to my abandonment of my religion but more importantly, I associated what I had come to understand about this reality with the falsified religions and thus also abandoned myself. I was and still am lost.
I became depressed, no longer connected to the divine (god, ground, brahman) within us all I had lost my direction in life. But I hadnt lost my desire for that knowledge and so I continued seeking without faith, without love, without purpose to guide me. This brings me to the experiences i mentioned in the beginning.
I began casually dabbling with marijauna, as I didnt see much more to do with my time. My mind, having always been in a state of fray, wasnt ready to explore the spiritual realm but drugs can have the ability to open doors that would normally take serious meditation to access. My first serious and disorienting experience happened the second time I smoked. I got way too high (sorry to use such terminology) to say the least. I fell onto a couch but the fall didnt stop when I hit the couch. I felt as if my entire being was in free fall, and it was at this moment I first experienced true fear. This fear was overwhelmingly powerful. I closed my eyes in hope to lose the sensation but it instead amplified it and my eyes remained forcibly shut till the end. The fall lasted for what seemed eternity, during which I am yelling and crying, calling constantly to my closest friend who was with me. Eventually through my companions comfort I come to (to a degree) and get extremely sick. I get up to try and reconnect to reality and move to another, more comfortable location and I am hit again with another disorienting experience.
This following experience was the exact opposite. i felt an extremely deep sense of love and bliss, bringing me to tears, I realized again (I had come to this understanding separately and earlier in my life) that god is love. These two polar moments though I understand were tainted by intoxication, shook me. I swore off pot, but that didn’t last as I still had nothing to do with my life. I still didn’t rationally believe that there was more than what our five senses present to us.
I later combined my usage with meditation, finding that it assisted me in clearing my mind. Throughout my usage I continued to feel waves of bliss overcome me accompanied by deep realizations that I would no sooner forget. This symptom of immediately forgetting realizations still persists to this day.
During this time I continued my “rational research” into the nature of this reality, still seeking what I had sought previously but without the guidance. I stumbled across both Buddhism and DMT (for those that don’t know, DMT in short is a naturally occurring chemical in all living things, secreted by the pineal gland at birth, death, and during dreams. If interested watch “the spirit molecule”). I begin concentrating my meditations on the third eye. Immediately the only fruit of the meditations are sensations where the third eye is located. I also begin an amateur mediation I can only describe as being close to movement of the subtle energies, later understood as chakras. This meditation essentially began like the rest, clearing and calming the mind. I would then concentrate on these energies beginning with my palms, then using my palms to guide/push my energy through my body from my feet to my head, finally ending by detaching/pulling it off/through the top of my head and letting it go. I don’t know where I got this meditation and I still don’t know what its true effects were, if any, but I will get back to it. During this time I also tried DMT (it can be ingested and experienced as a hallucinogen, though quite different from any other hallucinogen) though it didn’t work for me the first time very well (id be happy to describe this experience as well, as it might be informative). I ended up trying it twice, each time meditating with the method above before ingestion each time. In all, I did that mediation three times, the last being with my second time trying DMT. But the second time was different, I didn’t necessarily fully experience DMT the second time either but it had a lasting effect on me. Upon ingestion I felt I had lost touch with reality. I didn’t know who or what I was, I literally had the thought, “how do I think?” I tried to remain calm, thinking this will subside as the DMT wares off, but it didn’t. I slowly began to re-establish who I was but I felt like I had lost the memories and understandings I had acquired throughout this life. I still felt the connection to god that I have fealt my entire life but it was eclipsed by fear, the same fear I had discovered earlier.
The next week or so I stop using all forms of intoxication all together. I begin having what I then called sleep paralysis, but many would call out of body experiences. I would be consciously awake in my dream in my own house. In these dreams each I was out of my own body, walking through walls and encountering entities. I was terrified to go to sleep for weeks. In all I had three dreams like these but this is getting extremely long so I will elaborate later if necessary.
As I mentioned my memory of these past couple years are scrambled, vague, and fleeting and theres quiet a bit I know I don’t remember so the rest of this is not chronological but instead just what I can immediately recall. Most symptoms still persist to this day.
I begin being able to see strange things when I close my eyes and concentrate. Some of the images were familiar (as in I understood what they were, but not necessarily something Ive seen in person), some were extremely exotic and honestly some of the most beautiful images Ive ever seen including: lots of eyes (both pairs and lone ones), traveling through tunnels and other continuous realms, and consciously controlled images (basically whatever my imagination could muster), along with endless others including what I then called hyper-realistic screensavers. Stranger still, sometimes I could see the outlines of the details of the room surrounding me, seemingly seeing with my eyes closed. During concentration or while my mind was quiet I would occasionally hear very clear voice, always singular, and never complete thoughts/sentences. The voices have led me to question whether I am border line schizophrenic but upon reading more about symptoms of kundalini and opening of a third eye Ive beginning to consider that I may have somehow rushed these processes though Im definitely not enlightened so if I may have somehow forced the kundalini energy, it didn’t complete its movement through the chakras.
That is the extent of what I can recall. Im still disoriented to this day from these experiences and its been about 6 months. Most of the symptoms still persist as well. I cant say for sure whether these were of spiritual nature or if I may be very well losing my mind, in which case….i don’t know.
Thank you for taking your time to read this. I appreciate and value immensly any feedback, thoughts, insights, questions you might have.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2014 : 10:12:36 AM
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Perfectly resting in the Now, which encompasses all that has ever been, and all that will ever be, I thank you for sharing your story, which reflects my own.
When I first got stoned off marijuana, I had a similar experience. I thought I was going to black out and yelped to my brother for help. Everything was flashing in freeze-frames, but once I surrendered to the experience, a deep witness state overcame me, and I...was...stoned.  It was nice--being able to observe my own mind like a hologram. A nice preview of freedom. That was 16 years ago, when I was 16 years old, and now I've doubled that time on Earth. Long story short, I continued to smoke pot, use other hallucinogens (including DMT), and also fooled around with pills like Xanax. All of it burned me up and turned me into a crispy piece of toast.
I've been sober for about 3 years now (free of all alcohol, pot, psychedelics), and I'm still very much in the healing process. That stuff takes a toll on the nervous system, and as Yogani says, the nervous system is the doorway to God.
With DMT, I went into a higher, heavenly dimension and was graced by the presence of 2 angelic, human-like creatures. Certainly wouldn't mind seeing them again, but I'm not willing to take DMT to get there. It's a trap. I've had glimpses through meditation, and the scenery gets interesting at night, but still, I have to live functionally, so the only long-term option is stay grounded, stay centered, and stay in the flow of meeting life on realistic terms.
In this lesson, Yogani takes about "flights of fancy" and the "magic bullet syndrome". Highly recommend reading it:
Lesson 307 – Hallucinogens and Yoga
http://www.aypsite.org/307.html
Anyway, the symptoms you describe seem to warrant a backing off of any attempts to penetrate the vastness of inner space. Probably would be much more advantageous to get connected with your Earthly role in life, and to achieve a stable rhythm. For me, keeping it simple has let me enjoy some serenity, without getting too fixated on the grander aspects. Don't get me wrong, I'm not shutting any doors--I'm just trying to prioritize and shape my character for the long haul. It's likely to be a long journey. So, the fiber of our being must be adapted accordingly.
I think you're much better off than you think. The clarity of your writing, and the honesty in your perspective, does not convey an overbearing sense of being lost. After all, "all who wander are not lost". And yes, I think AYP is a sturdy place to bounce these experiences back and forth. Kindred souls here.
What kind of activities do you enjoy in life that don't involve the use of psychedelics?
Godspeed!  |
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Zak
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2014 : 12:30:12 PM
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Thank you for taking the time to read this! I appreciate your feedback very much. That article was one of the first things I went to when I found AYP :) I found it very informative, but to be perfectly honest, I do still plan on trying DMT one more time as I still have yet to actually experience it though I will not be trying it again without being more spiritually confident and sound.
Do you mean that DMT as a "magic bullet" is a trap?
Since then I have backed off a bit and began trying to fill my earthly role but this has come with a cost. Without the spiritual strength that I had before I fell (loss of faith and etc) my depression has been all but completely overpowering. so it is difficult for me to put aside my spiritual journey as I believe it is not only my way to rise above my depression, but also my sole purpose in life and I have felt this way since I was very young.
As for my life besides psychedelics :) I love playing music, i play the bass guitar, upright base, and a bit of piano. I often use music as a guide through meditation as sound has a way of resonating things deeper within. I also enjoy reading quite a bit. Though most of my time recently has been abhorred by depression the past few years and I have had little to no motivation for most of the things I normally love. Despite the depression, my spiritual journey and state are constantly on my mind though I have lacked the motivation and clarity to follow these inklings. But things are starting to look less bleak. recently as Ive taken some time off from my worldly roles to get my head on strait, but more importantly find again my spiritual path. Ive found a teacher that I am going to begin meeting weekly, as well Ive found this website and a few others.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2014 : 4:40:30 PM
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I play music too.  Playing with other people is very enjoyable. Harmony, rhythm, collaboration, all that jazz, you know. Good way to connect.
Re: DMT...I would say, yes, it's a trap. A very sophisticated and glamourous trap, to be sure. A cage with golden bars. A mirage in the desert. A puppet in a neurobiological sideshow.
But, it's not evil. I don't want to demonize it. You'll find out what you need to find out. I did.
Also, not sure if you stumbled upon this lesson, but here's a good one related to your inner calling for finding purpose in life, and thereby being motivated out of depression:
Bhakti - The Science of Devotion
http://www.aypsite.org/67.html
I guess the trick is to merge our spiritual ideals with possibilities in the world, thereby moving from concepts and dreams to manifestations and concrete realities.
Somebody had to dream of the guitar's design and build it from scratch. Now we benefit from some human being's invention. It's a pretty good deal. I just want to keep the ball rolling and see if I can contribute something.
I've been through stretches of depression. I can relate. The way I got out was dreaming a dream that I could accomplish, and then following through. That cycle continues. Dream, then act, then dream more, then act, and on and on. I meditate because I dream of enlightenment. There's a sun on the horizon, and it's really bright. Bright, bright, bright.
Nobody can take away your dream. Just see if you can bring it into reality.
Unity. Strength. Wisdom. |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2014 : 6:32:04 PM
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Hi Zak
You've mentioned a childhood desire to become monk or priest. And the description of your amateur meditation doesn't sound amateur at all. In fact it sounds extremely powerful. And if it is combined with drug usage, that could knock your socks off. Especially if you are a sensitive type, which I'm guessing you are. And especially if you have advanced spiritual attainment from a past life, which you may well have.
So it's entirely possible that you've (unintentionally?) awakened or reawakened kundalini from her slumber.. What now? Do you want her to go back to sleep or can you deal with an energetic awakening? You may be able to coax her back to sleep, although unlikely. Regardless of whether she is awakened or not, you might consider - at least temporarily - laying off the drugs and avoid your amateur meditation until you feel a measure of stability and peace. That strategy could help to regain your confidence, it may be worth a try. And some vigorous exercise is advisable too.
Also, your posts so far don't sound spiritually lost to me. What, in your opinion, is the definition of spiritually found? I would venture that most of us here don't particularly feel spiritually found, but I could be wrong about that.. as no one here seems spiritually lost either. Imo you should follow your heart and completely trust yourself, wherever that path takes you. Best wishes and welcome to the forums!
love
parvati |
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Zak
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 10:35:22 PM
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Thank you Bodhi Tree for your time and thought, your advise and feedback have been helpful and consoling. Just knowing I'm not alone and even that someone knows what im going through gives me encouragement and strength.
Parvati,
coincidentally shortly after I began exercising more than I have my entire life and got in the best physical condition ive ever been in. Some may say I was being guided, whos to know. All I know is what I have been experiencing has an awful lot of spiritual 'coincidences'. If kundalini has been awakened is there a way for me to know? Can kundalini be merely stirred but not awoken? If it is awoken, how can I nurture it? Since the time I experienced the sort of dissociative fugue I have tried to reconstruct myself as I didnt know any better to what had happened, I was highly confused and disoriented (if this was kundalini at all) and didnt take a spiritual approach to it.
When I went through the meditation part of my understanding of what I was doing (which is very little) was that as I pulled the energy from my head I was sacrificing (not the best word for it, but closest) my 'self' (the ego or something of similar nature) and letting it go. At this time of the mediation it physically felt as if i was pulling a sensation of energy from my entire head, after which my head would feel bare of respectively to the energy.
Subconscious understanding of this mediation at the time was similar to that of a buddhist (tibetan i believe, though not strictly...?) tradition/meditation (i though it was called feast of the dead but that didnt yield any results) where a person as one of the last things done to attain enlightenment, would travel to a place known to harbor evil spirits. There they would play various instruments made of bone to invite the spirits to feast on all that makes up the persons 'self'. The person then takes off their skull bone through mediation (not literally i presume) and offer their brain/head/self as ive mentioned. This ritual is known to be extremely dangerous, with fatalities being reported, to the point that there are usually medical personnel at hand usually (at least that is what i have read). I dont think that this is what i did as I was no where near being spiritually sound enough to understand and perform but it had certain similarities.
Another phenomena I have experienced all of my life and is now appearing to have relevance/significance is I dream things and they will happen. Not so much as I will know what the lottery will be but instead of events in my life. For the most part I will not remember the dream until immediately before said event. One such time, without going into too much detail, was I had a dream that an entire day of mine was enveloped by confusion and doubt, and I was going to have to quit something I loved. These events did transpire. It was one of the most definitive ones as it had been a preliminary dream (as i have come to call them) of an entire day. Whether I have some how contrived these unbeknownst to myself is not for me to say though I leave it as a possibility, though; as ive read about the third eye and with my experiences that have reflected such natures, it has been known to have influences similar to that of foresight.
I may be going crazy, and I am constantly wary of whether that may be the case, but coincidence seems to be too sparse a word, but who am I to tell.
Spiritually lost
Looking now on that phrase I would agree it isnt what I had meant, but just as I had felt. Throughout my experiences I have constantly questioned, as ive mentioned, of whether I am going insane. With the culmination of my doubt and rigid belief system ruled by logic and empirical evidence, spirituality has seemed hosh posh, but with this undying energy that Ive felt for the spirit and love in life, I was left utterly confused and felt that I was lost. But I realize as it was said, all who wonder are not lost, and I am on a journey that Im coming to understand more and less each day.
Thank you again for your time, thought, wisdom, and love
with peace and love,
zak
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2014 : 01:55:30 AM
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Dear Zak,
I agree with the observations voiced, above, that you are NOT "spiritually lost." You're just going through a transition. Sometimes we have to become empty in order to be filled more deeply.
I totally hear you about the atheism thing. So religion is mythology. ok. The point that I think atheists, as well as "religious" people all too often miss, is that science and religion are two completely different realms of human experience. The purpose of science is to objectively explain the workings of the physical universe. Religion, however, is like art or music or literature; it is a subjective experience that has absolutely nothing to do with fossils or carbon dating or such things; its purpose is to enrich the soul. But, what if there is no soul? And the existence of "God" can neither be proven nor disproven by science (which by definition does not concern itself with "metaphysical" entities).
Doesn't matter! Call It whatever you like. I feel this incredible LOVE pouring through me and I call It "God." And this brings us to drugs, e.g. DMT. An atheist may call It, "The part of my brain that lights up on MRI when I am tripping." You will note, the AYP Lessons do not insist on religion (although many of us here are deeply spiritual/religious). The yogic methods do not require "faith." You simply do the techniques and you eventually get a certain result. It's very scientific, actually! and yet, the "result" that you get may well be the irrefutable experience of God - if that is what you want to call It.
I won't argue with you about drugs because I don't have a leg to stand on. I've done more [psychedelic] drugs than you can shake a stick at, and they served me well in years past and helped me get here. But they can be a trap and/or, provoke premature kundalini awakenings. They can, as Ram Dass said, provide a glimpse of where we're going, but they can't keep you There; that's what yoga is for.
Trust that God is bigger than the intellectual circular arguments about God. I believe you may find, as I did, that your "faith" will deepen as a result of letting go of the attachment to mythology as "fact." Or even attachment to "facts" as such.
You don't sound "crazy" to me, but who am I to say?! LOL. God bless you, bro. Glad you found AYP. 
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Spiritually Lost
