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Juna
Ireland
2 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 16 2014 : 11:18:59 AM
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Hello everyone :) nice to meet you all!
I wanted to introduce myself, I hope this is the right sub-forum for that.
I am Juna, from Europe, 29 years old.
Before I begin with posting anything here, I wanted to let you know that I am no-where near advanced in yoga practice. I hope that it is no problem that I signed up anyway.
The reason that I signed up anyway is that I hope to learn from you guys and get back into practice.
A lot of years ago I used to practice yoga and meditation too. I followed art of living courses, and got very strong in doing a lot of meditation and yoga at home. On some days when I had enough time, two times a day, for two hours or so. It worked wonders for me.
But during one moment of meditation something awe-full happened with my mother. The energy of that moment was so horrible that within a split second I went from a wonderful peace/love feeling into deep fear and sadness. It jolted me in this other state so badly and harsh that physically I fell backwards and hit my head on the wall.
Since then I did not meditate anymore, and did not do any yoga anymore. In a way I guess I developed a deep fear of feeling things from other people during meditation. I fear being open.
It changed me into another person.
I used to be very open to other peoples feelings, and felt lots of energy to help them. Endless energy in a way.
But now, I am so very very tired. I shy away from people with pain. I feel like I cannot deal with it. I am honestly totally scared of feelings and pain of other people. And I am completely out of energy. I have been to hospitals and doctors but they cannot find reasons for it.
I know I have to start again with my yoga and meditation. And that I have to be more open again. I will probably feel more energy then as well. I need to be connected.
But somehow I am totally blocked.
I hoped to find advice or ideas about how to change this.
Can I meditate/do yoga, without the risk of getting hurt this way?
Anyway, I am sorry for the long story :)
I actually came here with another question, but while writing I noticed that it is linked to this bigger/more important question.
Thanks in advance to everyone and anyone that has advice for me. I am very grateful.
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2014 : 11:53:42 AM
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Welcome Juna!
You'll find a lot of helpful people here. Check out the lessons and consider starting daily meditation again. |
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2014 : 1:40:47 PM
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| Without fully understanding what sent you off the tracks so violently, I hesitate to offer you any insight about regaining equilibrium. What I do know is you need to find peace and understanding, and meditation is an excellent place to investigate that. Are you convinced the meditation & yoga was responsible for your troubles? |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2014 : 3:07:09 PM
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Welcome Juna,
You will always find hurt. Hurt, pain, dissapointment is what teaches us and hardens the steel towards liberation. At the same time you will find peace and joy. Before you know the hurts will become less and less the joy more and more and you will look forward to being open to experience the joy that is.
So yes start the lessons and begin to find the peace and joy that is you.
Good luck and Welcome!! |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2014 : 9:06:47 PM
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Dear Juna,
Thanks for joining the forums and sharing so openly with us.
You sound to me like an empath.
"Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners" - From Google [and they suffer like nothing else on the planet!]
In some cases, it is so intense, that it may drive one to the brink of insanity, self-destruction and madness - as one accumulates all the pain and rage of the world into one's own emotional body.
For me, meditation and yoga was the way out. So in answer to your question
"Can I meditate/do yoga, without the risk of getting hurt this way?"
I would say yes. But first one has to learn to open fully, but be inwardly free at the same time as having an open heart. And that involves time, learning to understand and responding to one's own inner suffering with a calmness and love. I completely relate to the experience you describe, from my own experience.
I wish you every happiness and success on your path! I suspect that you will find it here given time. AYP is a wonderful tool. Also, for looking deeply into one's own emotional condition, The Presence Process (Michael Brown) can be helpful if one feels an inner call to it.
Love, |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2014 : 03:03:50 AM
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Dear Juna
what happened with your mother? and why you believe it was due to your yoga practice?
yoga is not for avoiding hurt and pain.It is not an escape nor living in denial.Life will happen with its ups and downs.Yoga will help us to easily move on and decrease our identification with whatever is happening. |
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mathurs
United Kingdom
197 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2014 : 04:52:46 AM
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Hi Juna,
Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will get plenty of advice here. I just wanted to say that your post although you think is long made very easy reading. I normally avoid long posts but yours was easy to read  |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2014 : 07:35:12 AM
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Hi Juna,
Like Dogboy, I find it difficult to answer your post because I don't know what exactly happened with your mother. This clearly was a very painful experience for you, so dealing with it in a proper way should be very important. However, I think that yoga is always a good thing because in the huge tool box of yoga one can always find suitable practices, supporting positive development and at the same time avoiding "danger zones".
Other community members will give you more accurate advices - I am a beguinner.
Wish you all the best.  |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2014 : 08:45:24 AM
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A warm welcome, Juna.
There is so much love here. You are in a good place.
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Juna
Ireland
2 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2014 : 11:23:38 AM
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Hey there everyone,
Thank you all so much for the friendly and wonderful input. It is really helpful.
Some of you asked what happened to my mother during that moment of meditation.
Its difficult to explain it all because there is such a long history of events tied to it. But I can try.
I think that from the beginning (when I was born) my mother and I where very connected to each other, like all babies are to their mothers. But we are both a bit extreme in sensing each others feelings.
My mother suffered from severe depression for years in my childhood, and needed me because it sort of soothed her when I was around. As a child I could see the danger she was in because she was so deep in her depressed state that she did not feel any motivation to take care of herself. She almost died a couple of times, and every time I knew it, even when I was at school or somewhere else. I sensed her fear and total despair. So much that I sometimes lived her emotional world, instead of my own.
I used it so that I could know when she was in danger, but it meant that I had a horrible life. I just felt how she felt.
She was also a severe alcoholic, and the effect of the alcohol on her inside world was so horrible that it teared me apart every time it happened.
When I was a bit older, she stopped using alcohol, and somehow started to feel the good in life a bit more. It gave me time to find myself again, because her emotions where not so heavy anymore.
I went to meditation and yoga courses and it really brought be back to myself. I was still open to her, but could cope with it better for some reason.
After some time she went downhill again, and even started drinking again. Although I was very worried, I was still myself and kept going on with my exercises, which gave me energy and a fresh kind of state of mind. Maybe I had learned to sort of keep her out of my system a little bit. While opening myself to other things.
But during that meditation, she was in the attic of the house, and decided to jump down the stairs. She survived, but the total shock of her body hitting the floor, and her mental/emotional state, was too much for me.
I could not keep it out anymore.
She jumped, because she felt a loss of connection with me, and in her depressed state she could not handle that. Like she cried out of connection.
Of course its not logical to be afraid of yoga and meditation, but somehow something in me ties fear to spiritual practice. Maybe its the same as when people develop phobia`s. The phobia is not logical, the problem is something else.
I guess my fear is that my mother comes into my system again when I meditate, or do yoga.
I am a pretty lonely person now, because I shy away from people and their emotions.
I know it must be possible to be happy and energetic, calm and peaceful around people, because as a child I started out like that. I had no trouble helping others out, while now.. I become too tired to deal with it.
All of this probably sounds pretty crazy. I am sorry for that.
I think that the only answer for me is, that I simply have to start again. Like with all fears, the only way out is facing it. I guess I came here because I feel I cannot do it alone. But I probably can.
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Mr. Anderson, I know that I am an empath. I am not sure in what scale but towards my mother it is 'pretty seriously crazy too much'. With others it is less strong, but still too much. I desperately need help to find out how to be centered and how to stay with my own.. lets say, energy. As a child I could do it, so why not now.
I do not know if people here believe in empaths, so it might sound weird. But I have to be honest about what I feel 'somewhere'. It is hard to find a place where someone can help. I believe that everyone is an empath, the only difference is that most keep out most energies much better. For some reason I am not good at that.
Sorry for the long story.
:) I hope its not too much. Please let me know.
Thanks for all the warm replies
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2014 : 10:33:40 PM
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Dear Juna,
Welcome!
Lots of caring advice has already been given, above.
I believe there are essentially 2 things going on here:
1. Your relationship growing up with your depressed and alcoholic mother has affected you in the classic manner. People commonly go into therapy for this. With or without therapy, "stuff" is going to come up in meditation that will eventually be processed, let go of and healed.
2. Your empathic ability. I can relate to this because I had similar problems when I was young (in teens and 20s). It was so difficult that I was extremely reluctant even to go out in a crowded public place, like a shopping mall, because I would feel what everybody around me was feeling, as if they were in my head! It was very emotionally draining. Over time it settled down and I do believe my yoga practice helped. As I became more centered I was able to "filter" rather than "block" people. The empathic gift has since become very useful in my "psychic" and counseling work.
I don't have any specific advice as to what you should "do" about it, but I feel optimistic that over time you will heal and eventually appreciate your gift and probably be able to use it to help others some day. Anyway you've found a wonderful, caring group of people to support you on your journey.
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Purohit
India
43 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2014 : 02:17:16 AM
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Hi,
I can share my story if it may be of any help/relevance and its impact.
Initialy when i started practising my sadhana, i noticed two things going together for me. A feeling of hapinness, freedom as well as more karmic entanglement with my family. Before starting sadhana, i was completely indifferent to my family and their issues/problems.
with my practises i saw that Whenever i would feel some kind of growth in sadhana ( i equate it with more bliss and joy in normal life), i will also find a new family problem to face ( someone becoming ill, some family quarell/ property issues etc). Initially that used to halt my sadhana as i started fearing that more yoga will lead to more problems..
However i continued practising till the point that problems did not halt my practises. On hindsight, i feel grateful that i continued practises and now a realization has steadily grown that problems/issues are not created by my practises, but are a result of my previous karma and the only way to reduce or minimise their effect is sadhana.
A year after i started practises, my grandmother became invalid and was bedridden for more than a year. I was very close to her. Before i had done sdahna there were times i loved her and also many times i had misbehaved with her,quareled and all that negative stuff.
However this entire period of a year when she was bedridden i was always beside her with a smile and was able to love her very very much.There was no bad behaviour/resentment/ irritation inside me and she would always prefer my company to everyone else's during this period. And i will forever be grateful to yoga(sadhana) for this change in me. Now that she has passed away, i get this feeling what could i have done for her, i have done as all that we can really do or give is only love. I would have had lots of regrets if i would not have been able to do this...I cannot give unconditional love to all but somehow i did for her consistently for one year, and that is only a miracle of god/guru or yoga.. maybe they are all the same.
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Yonatan
Israel
849 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2014 : 5:00:55 PM
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Hi Juna, and welcome!!!
You have come into a good place, there are amazing people here who love to help the fellow person.
I don't have much advice to give, but I think that if you feel that you should begin practices again then it is what you should do. I believe the fear will go over time. I think there is no reason why yoga should "create" problems, it doesn't, but it can bring up hidden inner stuff to the surface. For many people there is a "call" an inner call to engage in spiritual practices. I can really feel it in you, if you feel it, then you should probably do it. If you fear it greatly then I suggest that maybe you do it in small doses, or even not every day, just to see that nothing bad really happens and get over the fear.
You feel to me strong in purpose :) I wish you the very best!!!! |
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adishivayogi
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 12:47:45 AM
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| if you avoid the sun for it's harshness you may avoid a burn, but you will also miss all of its nourishment |
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2014 : 3:48:05 PM
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Welcome Irish lady. Me sacred mutter waz from Ireland. I believe you can still have a pint or two of Guinness if you want? How else will you find a husband? How else will you be able to tolerate a man when you do? Course, if you don't need it..........
L |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2014 : 5:05:30 PM
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Welcome Juna
Nice to have another Irish person writing on the forum.
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2014 : 3:03:24 PM
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Your mother and drinking? My father was a knock down, drag em out drunk. I started down the same path but got off it a bit. You're a classic case of co-dependent. But that's not a bad thing. See if you have any ACOA meetings around you? Or maybe a little Al-anon? If all else fails maybe a tad of AA. Don't look for miracles, just fellow sufferers. It's nice to know your not alone. But it's also sad to learn your not 'special.' Even in misery, we like to think we're 'unique' and 'nobody knows the trouble I seen.' You'll be fine. I wish I was as smart at your age as you are now but 'Nobody knew the trouble I'd seen.'
All the best.
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2014 : 7:29:44 PM
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Hi Juna,
it is normal that yu feel the emotions of others the more your own emotions get cleared up. It is the same here. When someone is angry, the angriness is felt here, when someone is sad, the same. the only difference is, enough energy is build up due to daily practice, that the felt emotions of others get transformed within split seconds, seconds or maximum 1-2 minutes, even of larger groups.
So just practically speaking, mantric practices and pranayama will give you the inner pressure and energy to handle any emotions that others will have being near you or thinking of you or you thinking of them. Handling means not any consious stuff, even though you can add to it consiously, but it will be an automatic process happening. People come, all are happy. Those happy will get even more happy, those neutral will become happy, those shaky or angry will become peaceful and then happy. Those very agressive or sad will just become silent. It depends much upon the pranic intensity of your body mind and the quality of prana. The same goes for the mindsubstance, mantric practices will have a strong effect on your and others minds.
Then the other element of longterm practice, which will lead to the witness aka what always is aka silence continuing no matter what happens. This will give you the freedom to feel the deepest pain and suffering with great interest and great acceptance as it will be fully felt and still it will not touch you the slightest. By you becoming one with it, you will see the magic of transformation again, this time on a more deeper level.
It feels like back then your practices where more of an asana and silent awareness practice kind. Did you have pranayma and mantra meditation kind elements in it? If not, these will make the difference in making you stronger along the road of daily experiences.
Peace and don't worry, even extreme pain will not do anything to you, it is ok, it is welcome, just be with it. It will surely pass, seconds, minutes, max hours, not more if the practices continue.
You can do it! :) Enjoy |
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Hey there!
