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tamasaburo
USA
136 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 31 2013 : 6:32:31 PM
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Hi guys,
I've been struggling a lot with regret and self-recrimination lately because of a couple of stupid things I did that have caused me a lot of probably unnecessary suffering and setbacks. It has gotten to the point where I literally spend much of the day fervently wishing I could just go back in time four or five months and not do these things (take a couple of supplements to which I've had very severe negative reactions), then my whole life right now could be different.
I am a perfectionist by nature and often waste time thinking about "what could have been" had I know what I know now earlier, but I can handle bad things about which I had little control (I had a rear-end collision that caused me a lot of neck pain, for example, but I don't waste days wishing I could redo that day because there was no reasonable way I could have known someone's brakes would fail right behind me).
By contrast, things which were very much under my control which have caused suffering to myself and others tend to send me into spirals of self-recrimination, especially if permanent damage has been done, which it has in this case (one of my eyes suffered retinal damage as a result of a supplemental vitamin). Though I like to try to learn lessons from these things (and boy have a I learned a lot these past few months), it is very difficult for me to put a positive spin on these lessons if I've paid so dearly to achieve them (and again, the permanent thing is what upsets me most).
Worst of all is when I should have learned a lesson but keep repeating the same mistake (self-medicating with a different supplement to try to fix the problems caused by another one even when a counselor had urged me not to try anything new).
I know my problems are not very big in the scheme of things, but I am at a really low point right now due to my perfectionism and incessant longing to be able to undo past mistakes. Any advice on dealing with this would be much appreciated. Unfortunately, it is when I most need to meditate that I have the most trouble meditating, as well. :( |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2013 : 8:24:15 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by tamasaburo
Hi guys,
I've been struggling a lot with regret and self-recrimination lately because of a couple of stupid things I did that have caused me a lot of probably unnecessary suffering and setbacks. It has gotten to the point where I literally spend much of the day fervently wishing I could just go back in time four or five months and not do these things (take a couple of supplements to which I've had very severe negative reactions), then my whole life right now could be different.
I am a perfectionist by nature and often waste time thinking about "what could have been" had I know what I know now earlier, but I can handle bad things about which I had little control (I had a rear-end collision that caused me a lot of neck pain, for example, but I don't waste days wishing I could redo that day because there was no reasonable way I could have known someone's brakes would fail right behind me).
By contrast, things which were very much under my control which have caused suffering to myself and others tend to send me into spirals of self-recrimination, especially if permanent damage has been done, which it has in this case (one of my eyes suffered retinal damage as a result of a supplemental vitamin). Though I like to try to learn lessons from these things (and boy have a I learned a lot these past few months), it is very difficult for me to put a positive spin on these lessons if I've paid so dearly to achieve them (and again, the permanent thing is what upsets me most).
Worst of all is when I should have learned a lesson but keep repeating the same mistake (self-medicating with a different supplement to try to fix the problems caused by another one even when a counselor had urged me not to try anything new).
I know my problems are not very big in the scheme of things, but I am at a really low point right now due to my perfectionism and incessant longing to be able to undo past mistakes. Any advice on dealing with this would be much appreciated. Unfortunately, it is when I most need to meditate that I have the most trouble meditating, as well. :(
Dear tamasaburo,
At the risk of oversimplifying and stating the obvious (which I am sure you already know) - the past is the past. What is done is done. All kinds of things happen over which we have varying degrees of control. One thing we know for sure is that beating ourselves up will not provide any benefit whatsoever. We can only hope to learn from our mistakes and move on.
With regard to your unsuccessful use of vitamin supplements, if it's any consolation, prescription drugs given to people every day by well-trained and fully "competent" doctors very often result in similar outcomes - undesired side effects, even including death. There are no guarantees in medicine. But certainly, what you have learned from this experience is to be more cautious in the future!
If at all possible, let go of the past. Be kind to yourself as you would be to another person. Do you expect perfection from everyone, or only from yourself? Life is hard enough without beating ourselves up. And keep meditating, because that is where you will find the inner peace and freedom. All the best to you.  |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2013 : 8:56:11 PM
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Hi tamasaburo,
Thank you for sharing your honest feelings.
Its hard to love all of myself a lot of the time. But there is a way! And this is a great space to grow into that way with love and support.
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ak33
Canada
229 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2013 : 9:05:53 PM
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Hi tamasaburo,
Your honesty and courage is much appreciated. I'm going to keep this short and reiterate what Radharani said already. A way out of this is to be kind to yourself, sympathize and try looking at the situation as if you were dealing with another person. This is different from feeling sorry for yourself, because forgiving yourself is not self-abuse but self-healing. Please be kind to yourself, there is light at the end of the tunnel |
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NoDogma
USA
123 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2013 : 9:09:49 PM
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| I tend to do similar... and I think many people do that too, at varying extent. Extremes are like me worrying whether I gave wrong advice in a post :-) .. When it happens, I start observing my thoughts several times a day (literally put alarm for ever 30 min) and if I am thinking about that incident, then tell myself things like : I am only a human and am supposed to make mistakes. And then think of something pleasant. This repeated mico-meditation (it takes only 20-30 seconds every time) does wonders for me... not sure if it's for everyone (you've to figure out what lightens you up, and do it repeatedly). I discovered this process as a solution to my past depressive periods (and I wonder if I invented it :-) ) |
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catrynn
Ireland
68 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 07:06:27 AM
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Hi tamasaburo,
I appreciate your honesty too as this was something I did and sometimes still do. The thing that helped me was the realization that I can control my thoughts so if I don't want to think thoughts that hold me back I decide to change them.
I put an elastic band round my wrist and check what I am thinking after a particular time lapse - on the hour is quite a good one. If I am thinking something I don't want to, I stretch the rubber band a bit and release it a bit so it gives me a slight bang and say 'Cancel, cancel.' This gets my mind off my thought and into the present moment. I often concentrate then very hard on what I am actually doing then so my mind is consciously in control for some time.
This is not a fast fix but when you persevere you realize you can change your thoughts and gradually get control of them. I would also think of something to say to myself like 'God/the Universe is looking after me completely.' Or 'I am human, I forgive myself as God does' - you get the idea. A mantra may also be great.
I have found that this worked for me but did take some time as we have spent much time concentrating on the blame thoughts so they are not too quickly removed.
I also found that the time just after meditation was a very good one to repeat the good thoughts I wanted to think. It only takes a few seconds to say them but the effect is great. In my experience we have to keep an eye on what we are thinking even when we think we have control. It is very easy to let something in without realizing it.
Happy New Year and may this be the year where you choose enlivening and supportive thoughts for your life!   |
Edited by - catrynn on Jan 01 2014 07:57:07 AM |
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 08:24:21 AM
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Hi tamasaburo, happy new year!!
I can't really help because I have a similar problem, since I tend to "live" to much in the future (just like you are caught in the past, maybe), dealing wih negative thoughts and fears about what could happen to me in the future (and, by the way, almost never happen...).
So maybe we both have to learn to "live" today and forget about yesterday and tomorrow. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 10:36:52 AM
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Hi Tamasaburo,
Two things popped up when I was reading your post ... so will write them here ... if it helps great, if not, just let it go. 
One is a pattern you have identified for yourself of "self medicating". Take it into stillness with you and ask the universe to show you the root to this. Many things will come up... Even if it does not feel like it is relevant, take each one individually and let it go in stillness ... you will soon be digging deep inside to find something that keeps this pattern in place. Feeling stupid for having a pattern won't help, finding the root to the pattern so you can let it go is what helps. A pattern is karma, we can feel sorry for our karma, or we can see the root of this karma and go beyond it.
Second, by fervently wishing, you are constricting around the thing you want to let go.. And in the process adding more energy into keeping what you want to let go in place. So next time you feel you are wishing something ... give the "wish" to your Ishta/universe (giving a wish away makes it a prayer... you have let the energy
/control of "my will" go and allowed space for the energy/trust of "thy will" to manifest ) and feel "open". It takes a bit if time to get used to this, but it is a habit of constricting that we have got used to since childhood, so it will take some time to unlearn it... but teach yourself to open and let the energy be used in a prayer and not a wish. Hope that makes some sense.
Much love and a very happy new year to you. |
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tamasaburo
USA
136 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 12:26:03 PM
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Hi, thank you guys so much for the supportive words!
I have been working on letting things go and had a little more success lately than before. I think my trouble with it before is that I don't really have an ishta per se, as I am not a true "believer" in any particular deity, though there's a part of me that longs to have a good reason to believe. Therefore, it's been difficult for me to "aim" these feelings at anything but myself. I've tried releasing things into silence, but I have lately found a little more success aiming them at "God," even though I'm not sure I believe in him. It seems to work a little better for me than aiming things at "the universe," which feels impersonal (maybe this is part of the reason people like a personified deity--he/she's easier to get mad at!).
I think I also have trouble dealing with the past more generally, as I am a very nostalgic person, a quality that has actually intensified as my meditation has progressed, as I see the world as a more beautiful place, and feel more empathetic towards people and even animals. This, however, heightens my pain at contemplation of all the people and times lost forever. So many beautiful, wonderful people and so many beautiful times that can never come again. I guess I look at happy times from my childhood and younger days and look at my current, somewhat broken self, and have a hard time imagining things will ever be as they were.
I think this is part of why I have a strong urge for self-improvement: I feel that if tomorrow can be better than today, then the fact that today must pass into nothingness will not be cause for regret and sadness. This urge has served me well in some cases, as with, for example, my urge to meditate (also about self-improvement, really), but it definitely hurts me sometimes also, when I take unnecessary risks in a rush to improve faster or with less effort.
I think this is also why I have trouble being forgiving of myself as I am of others: it's kind of an elitist/negative thing, but I think my greatest fear has always been to live a life of mediocrity--that time will pass by and I'll look back on my life as an old man and think "what a waste." Therefore, just being average or "okay" is fine for others, but I can't accept it in myself.
One lesson I have sort of learned as a result of my recent troubles has been that just to be a "regular" person is actually pretty extraordinary--though I feel lately like I can't enjoy that fact because I'm dealing with weird health problems. I long to "just feel normal," though I'm sure that's more elusive than it sounds for many people. One of the paradoxical difficulties meditation creates for me is that the more I meditate, the more beautiful and wonderful everything seems, making me want to cling to it all the more, in some sense. I guess the aim is to be "super normal" as Yogani says--to be extra ordinary is actually extraordinary. This idea makes it a little easier to forgive myself not getting everything perfect.
Yet how does one deal, more generally, with the passing of time? I know this seems like an absurd, overly broad question, but I think this is at the heart of the issue for me. The continual, irretrievable loss of the past feels like a tragedy to me, and I don't much know how to feel different.
Thank you again to everyone for their love and kind words. |
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tamasaburo
USA
136 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 12:40:03 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
Hi Tamasaburo,
Two things popped up when I was reading your post ... so will write them here ... if it helps great, if not, just let it go.
One is a pattern you have identified for yourself of "self medicating". Take it into stillness with you and ask the universe to show you the root to this. Many things will come up... Even if it does not feel like it is relevant, take each one individually and let it go in stillness ... you will soon be digging deep inside to find something that keeps this pattern in place. Feeling stupid for having a pattern won't help, finding the root to the pattern so you can let it go is what helps. A pattern is karma, we can feel sorry for our karma, or we can see the root of this karma and go beyond it.
Second, by ferverently wishing, you are constricting around the thing you want to let go.. And in the process adding more energy into keeping what you want to let go in place. So next time you feel you are wishing something ... give the "wish" to your Ishta/universe (giving a wish away makes it a prayer... you have let the energy
/control of "my will" go and allowed space for the energy/trust of "thy will" to manifest ) and feel "open". It takes a bit if time to get used to this, but it is a habit of constricting that we have got used to since childhood, so it will take some time to unlearn it... but teach yourself to open and let the energy be used in a prayer and not a wish. Hope that makes some sense.
Much love and a very happy new year to you.
Hi Shanti, thanks so much for the suggestions. I will give them a try.
You are right about the urge to self medicate. I have been trying to dig deeper to get to the root of it lately, and though I think I have a better sense of things now than before, there is almost certainly more to be found.
I recognize in myself, for example, a poor attitude towards risk-taking. My tendency is to be extremely, overly cautious for a time, until I reach a point where I get angry at myself for being overly cautious and then just jump in without much care. I recognize this pattern in myself since childhood. It may be due to the combination I have of strong ambition and a nervous, cautious personality, or maybe a bit of influence from my mother, who generally is so risk-averse as to always err on the side of vacillating inaction. I think I have that same tendency in myself, but rather than deliberating carefully whether a risk is worth it, and if it is, how to go about it prudently, I tend to vacillate a long time and then jump in.
One other problem I have lately become aware of--ironic in that I'm saying this to a message board where I went for advice--is in taking the advice or valuing the input of others. When taking risks, I usually "go it alone," because I am afraid others don't understand my deeper motivations and that they will dismiss my ideas. If I do ask for advice, I often disregard it unless it confirms what I already wanted to do. I am going to work harder to consult with family, friends, and doctors before taking risks, and to actually listen to them now and again.
I'm sure there is more to it. I will keep digging. |
Edited by - tamasaburo on Jan 01 2014 12:54:07 PM |
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tamasaburo
USA
136 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 12:50:25 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by catrynn
Hi tamasaburo,
I put an elastic band round my wrist and check what I am thinking after a particular time lapse - on the hour is quite a good one. If I am thinking something I don't want to, I stretch the rubber band a bit and release it a bit so it gives me a slight bang and say 'Cancel, cancel.' This gets my mind off my thought and into the present moment. I often concentrate then very hard on what I am actually doing then so my mind is consciously in control for some time.
Happy New Year and may this be the year where you choose enlivening and supportive thoughts for your life!
Thank you for the suggestion, Catrynn. I will give it a try. :) |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 1:03:10 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by tamasaburo
I recognize in myself, for example, a poor attitude towards risk-taking. My tendency is to be extremely, overly cautious for a time, until I reach a point where I get angry at myself for being overly cautious and then just jump in without much care. I recognize this pattern in myself since childhood. It may be due to the combination I have of strong ambition and a nervous, cautious personality, or maybe a bit of influence from my mother, who generally is so risk-averse as to always err on the side of vacillating inaction. I think I have that same tendency in myself, but rather than deliberating carefully whether a risk is worth it, and if it is, how to go about it prudently, I tend to vacillate a long time and then jump in.
I'm sure there is more to it. I will keep digging.
Not sure if this will help, but will share something that works for me.
In order to unravel and dissolve a pattern you have to break it into pieces. There are many things you have written above... pick one and follow it to it's core... this will help dissolve the one you are looking into and unravel and make some of the others more obvious... then pick another and follow it through.
From the ones you have written above, I would suggest go with "or maybe a bit of influence from my mother, who generally is so risk-averse as to always err on the side of vacillating inaction"... go back as far as you can go and see the first time you felt her hold back and how it made you feel... there may be more than one thing that comes up, visit them all if you need to... feel it as the child felt (children think and feel differently than adults do)... see if you can make the child feel comfortable and accepted and if you can tell him he can let it go. When he feels accepted and lets it go... it will dissolve in you... finally he is you.
During the process some key words will come up... insecurity, unloved, unaccepted or anything that may define that root insecurity... drop that word into silence (samyama style)... in a few rounds or few days another word may show up... pick that word and let that go in stillness.. as you keep going you will suddenly find that one root word that will dissolve the block.
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Jan 01 2014 : 6:34:25 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
Hi Tamasaburo,
Two things popped up when I was reading your post ... so will write them here ... if it helps great, if not, just let it go.
One is a pattern you have identified for yourself of "self medicating". Take it into stillness with you and ask the universe to show you the root to this. Many things will come up... Even if it does not feel like it is relevant, take each one individually and let it go in stillness ... you will soon be digging deep inside to find something that keeps this pattern in place. Feeling stupid for having a pattern won't help, finding the root to the pattern so you can let it go is what helps. A pattern is karma, we can feel sorry for our karma, or we can see the root of this karma and go beyond it.
Second, by ferverently wishing, you are constricting around the thing you want to let go.. And in the process adding more energy into keeping what you want to let go in place. So next time you feel you are wishing something ... give the "wish" to your Ishta/universe (giving a wish away makes it a prayer... you have let the energy
/control of "my will" go and allowed space for the energy/trust of "thy will" to manifest ) and feel "open". It takes a bit if time to get used to this, but it is a habit of constricting that we have got used to since childhood, so it will take some time to unlearn it... but teach yourself to open and let the energy be used in a prayer and not a wish. Hope that makes some sense.
Much love and a very happy new year to you.
Hi Shanti,
You put this so well, thank you! |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 02 2014 : 09:09:41 AM
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Thank you Anima!
Feel blessed that it resonated with you.
Happy new year to you! |
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