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MrSteroids1
Canada
72 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 19 2013 : 9:00:03 PM
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Life is dull for me, devoid of passion, no joy, I feel like i don't have a purpose. Living a sedentary life sure doesn't help (living at home all day every day for over 2 years). No friends, except a cat and a dog. There are days when never a word leave my mouth. Me being an introverted intellectual by nature, I use much of my time doing self-inquiry, often automatically. So much of my time goes into the deep existential questions. What am I? Is there even an I? Do I even exist? (questions derived from Duality VS Unity) That's what i get for reading spiritual texts... Thanks for providing me questions to endlessly torment myself with. The time of the day when I'm most alive is when I'm dreaming. I easily stay in my bed for over 12 hours everyday.
my meditation backstory http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....&whichpage=1
There's some light in sight tough. I'm starting school again in febuary. Another waiting game.
Suffering in silence... don't want to worry the family with my state of mind. |
Edited by - MrSteroids1 on Dec 19 2013 9:03:27 PM |
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MrSteroids1
Canada
72 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2013 : 10:47:23 PM
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A little bird passed by and told me that the way I worded my post sound different than how i intended it to sound like.
I'm not trying to say "these lessons are useful only to cause torment"
What I am trying to say, long story short "I wish i could reach enlightenment very soon, to find the answer to these questions, for this suffering to end" AYP practices are legit, I have had some great experiences because of them. The end of the traveling seems so far away, yet within reach. I just have to let go, and I'm doing my best to, practicing everyday.
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Edited by - MrSteroids1 on Dec 19 2013 11:24:58 PM |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 01:52:18 AM
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MrSteriods,
This dullness is also a sign of overloading. Reading your thread, it would appear that you are sensitive to meditation and should take extra care to ensure a smooth ride.
Why are you in bed 12 hrs? You are a magical being living under extraordinary circumstances... make the most of it 
And very very blessed to have an awakening at 21 yrs of age.. I know it does not seem so to you right now, but it is.
Have a good Christmas and let your light shine
 
Sey |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 08:39:40 AM
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I agree with Sey... sounds like you are overloading... and one of the reasons for this could be because you don't have balance in your life.
There is something called too much self-inquiry BTW... if you are not giving your mind a break by doing things in the world... all the answers you get are now creations of the mind (intellectual)... not answers from stillness. Not real inquiry.
Why have you isolated yourself? Are you physically disabled?
Go out and do something if you are physically capable of it. If nothing else, volunteer someplace. If it is not possible to do so physically, then try to find something online to volunteer/help with.. create something, get a hobby. Interaction with people, even if not friends, is very grounding.
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woosa
United Kingdom
382 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 10:20:42 AM
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Hi Mr Steroids
Your circumstances are similar to mine: I don't have a job, lost touch with my friends because I can't afford to travel. It is really difficult. With not much to do you end up doing a lot of self-inquiry and meditation because, quite frankly, there is nothing much to do. Enlightenment seems like a way out, but thinking like that is a barrier stopping you from unity (I reckon).
Like Shanti and Sey have said -- cut back on your practice. Very good advice.
I've started some voluntary work. This means I meet people, and help others. Which is all good, and good for me too. See if you can do something like that in your area.
Just things like helping round the house -- cooking and cleaning. Reading and exercising all help. Finding a hobby.
You might be suffering from SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Sitting in front of one of those lamps helps me.
And get out of bed!
It will get better. All the best! |
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 10:31:57 AM
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My understanding of 'enlightenment' is that it isn't an end point where all answers are revealed and all sorrows and torments vanquished. As Yogini states it's another mile marker on the journey; after you pass it you still have to take out the trash and get on with living. You have a laser focus on the negative in your current state. There are blessings all around you, beyond your bed and the walls you have planted yourself. Make an intention to discover them! Have faith! Get on your feet and go!
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AumNaturel
Canada
687 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 3:00:02 PM
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Set some time apart and do only grounding activities for a day or a few to see if it is overload and purification symptoms or not. The lessons say that sometimes cutting back and pressing forward would be one in the moment if necessary, which stands to say it can't be too hard to tell what action might be necessary.
I see no reason to cut back unnecessarily once overload is ruled out, but every reason to press on, especially when you say 'doing my best to practice everyday.' If that's the case, practice more, add external incentives such as checkmarks on a calendar, and let the intrinsic motivation and rewards ignite even more bhakti and devotion to whatever it is that calls to you. It's fair game to do so, chopping the so-called branch on which we sit by working at the chopping in whatever way caters to your interests.
I tend towards introversion too, and self-inquiry, or what I regard as equal as reflection, combined with other traits, interests, and life circumstances, can become a natural state of mind and habit. The plus side is I believe there's a lot of overhead and high tolerances for intensive, and effective inquiry, where insight and change takes us great leaps from where we were. On the other hand, the challenge is finding an outlet for it, bridging observation, theory, and insight with practical benefits and change.
If you feel most alive while dreaming, and you get the chance to sleep enough to have very long dream phases, that to me sounds like everything's alright. Have you looked into conscious dreaming and dream work? That can really take it up a few notches, while at the same time not needing to spend a lot of time sleeping. DM also replicates conscious dreaming states, because they share that pristine clarity of mind, and then it spills over into everyday a little at a time.
As for being alone in the path, I hear a lot more people saying that, and it sure feels that way. The bhakti can be glowing, insights can be startling, and it's still you alone firing into the great expanse of whatever's out there and within but with no other crew aboard. I don't have answers on this one, other than to keep up the great work, wash away the gray with gratitude of the present moment, and let synchronicity unfold all the wonder you're revealing even if this part of the flight's solo. |
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MrSteroids1
Canada
72 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 8:30:36 PM
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@SeySorciere, I suppose i have never really thought about the possibility of overload. I am not trying to do self-inquiry, it's become something that happen by itself. The question pop in my mind and before i know i am self-inquiring.
@Shanti, I've learned this the hard way already. If i let myself think too much and end up with a mind created theory that seems possible (the "what if" kind), it'll just be another mind created scenario to torment myself with, often not very pleasant scenarios, but i've had some great ideas with this overactive mind of mine, it has it's ups and downs.
I haven't purposely isolated myself, it is simply my path of life that lead me here. I've been trying to find an interest in something so i can choose my career. over the last 3 years i've started and abandoned 4 different colleges, i'm about to start the 5th. But this time, i know it's going to be different.
@AumNaturel, We (the family) are going to our cottage in the deep woods for the christmas holiday, at least 2 weeks. I'll make sure to go out and breathe plenty of fresh air.
I actually am interested in lucid dreaming and OBEs, OBEs are top priority right now, that seems like a marvelous experience to have.
Thanks everyone for the replies, and happy holidays of you're celebrating something at this time of the year. |
Edited by - MrSteroids1 on Dec 20 2013 8:59:05 PM |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Dec 21 2013 : 06:45:17 AM
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Namaste, Mrsteroids.
I can only offer you my own experience and love. There is perfect beauty in you, and in all of God's creatures. I often remind myself of that. We are frail. It is difficult for my pride to admit. Please know that you are loved, the hero of your own spiritual epic. My own heroes help me battle the waves of despair. In fact, they , and perhaps their nemeses, have brought me to my Ishtas.
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ak33
Canada
229 Posts |
Posted - Dec 21 2013 : 6:45:06 PM
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Hi MrSteroids,
Please heed Shanti's advice, self-inquiry is not a bad thing at all. But the nature of the mind is such that it tends to distort things the deeper you dig. You may think you're getting close to enlightenment but you may just be brute-forcing yourself in the opposite direction. Balance between going out and interacting with people and your yoga practices is an essential element that we sometimes overlook. I know once school starts things will get better for you, but till then try to add some balance by into your life by meeting friends, volunteering at various places or simply going out for a breath of fresh air.
Good luck my friend |
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Feeling gray
