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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 20 2013 : 9:51:12 PM
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This morning, while I was having breakfast, something came to me rather suddenly, and I need to share(confess) it here. I didn't do it in private, because, I think, many people share this feeling of me or similar ones.
My mother lost her mother when she was two. There were beautiful moments in our relationship, but stuck in my memory is her ceaseless nagging; And upon one occasion, when some of my fellow kids and me were playing "running family"(children's game of pretending to be adults, to play family roles), she came back, saw the apt was a mess, and just seized me and started to beat me hard, and I cried, and had to pretend to be fainted to trick her to stop it. I also remember she run after me for miles to punish me....(I try not to complain, I am trying to present what I feel and remember).
I don't see until quite recently that the lack of motherly love resulted in my long time inability to accept myself, my mistakes, my not-so-good performance before others, my failing to change my self and live the high standard I set for myself. The lack of self-acceptance often disguised itself as extreme pride before others, the contemptuous attitude toward the people "who fail to appreciate my power and virtues).
And also, my strong will to change, the father side, is not met and balanced by the motherly love manifesting as unconditional acceptance. Without it, change often slips into a denial of what I am/was at a certain moment. And change is just projecting the same karmic pattern into other/new realms. Nothing is changed, when nothing is accepted.
This morning I was reflecting on an exchange between Shanti and me.She volunteered to teach inmates computer skills recently. And when I asked her abt it, she told me, (Shanti, please allow me to quote your own words here) "you volunteered long before I did in Nepal...You my dear give from the heart." Actually, honestly, I am not quite sure abt my motive to volunteer in Nepal. I have to admit that there's an element of escaping from what I wasn't willing to face--the job market. And I could see I was not a good channel for love to all the villagers (I certainly disliked and shunned their school master).
And then, I know, I see, that while trying to be honest with myself, there is an implicit judgment---because of the motive is not 100% pure, I tend to unable to accept it, tend to negatively evaluate it. This is projected to other people's attitude toward me. When I didn't do thing so right, and I told Shanit abt it, she ALWAYS accept me, the me who did something wrong, telling me it is OK my dear. I have to confess that I doubted if this is just being polite like many other Americans, or just being superficially nice. But after so many "testing", she never left, she never changed, she never failed to lovingly accept me whatever I did. And now, it suddenly dawned on me that it is my lack of motherly love that prompted me to doubt, it is my inability to accept myself that triggered my suspicion. It takes long time for me to drive away this habitual suspicion and to recognize this unconditional love and accept it into my heart.....
The lack of motherly love imprinted in the depth of my heart so strong, that it is everywhere in my world. Reflecting on my ever short-lived relationships, now I understand how can I accept and enjoy any love that is not unconditional, never-failing, and always there for me?
And Shweta, I don't know what say to you besides Thank you! I sometimes call you didi (elder sister), but you give me the unconditional love that my mother fails to, that I need so desperately to recognize, accept and practice giving real love.Words fail here, and they should. But let me tell you, Shweta:
I LOVE YOU!
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2013 : 09:20:39 AM
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This is beautiful and very brave, Pheel!!!
Thank you for sharing your inner fears and seeing!
The more light we allow to shine on these mind patterns and stories, the less the grip of these stories have on us.
It is said in giving we receive... but it works just as well the other way... in receiving we give. When we open and receive the love that pours into us through many many channels all the time, the more we can give.
And my dear, you are giving me way too much credit. 
I am blessed to be working with you and many others who are in a place where they can see things for themselves. I am just a sounding board or a mirror, you/they talk and I just point you/them back to themselves, and you/they find their own answers... because that's the only place to find answers... within!
Thank you for your kind words but everything you said to me above... turn it around and say it to yourself... you were ready to be honest and work toward seeing and letting go. Without you, there would be no usefulness of Shanti (the sounding board).
Wish you all the best my dear!
And, I love you too! |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2013 : 11:11:58 AM
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Hi Pheel,
Thank you for the beautiful post.
Best wishes,
Jeff |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2013 : 2:32:11 PM
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Hello Pheel
this a beautiful post |
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 11:36:55 AM
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Hi Shanti,
I am really glad I said this, it's not something I'd do without so many hesitations....really happy that I took this step.
I also realize that I am also in the process of realizing how everyone I met in the ayp community gave me precious love in one form or another,much of which I might not understood, recognized at that time. But the love they gave did continue to shower me with grace, to nourish the growth of my inner life. I was surrounded by love, and I wasn't fully aware of it, just being the happy child at large in retreats....
I could feel how the turning around to myself (of what I said to you) would change my life...But it's too bright now for me to confront it, but I will take baby steps toward it day by day.
Thank you, Shanti, Thank you Jeff and maheswari for reading and sharing, thank you every one who gave me the precious love! |
Edited by - Pheel on Aug 22 2013 11:39:27 AM |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 4:24:31 PM
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| Thanks for this exchange |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Aug 23 2013 : 12:37:53 AM
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Motherly love and acceptance
