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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 1:55:56 PM
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Namaste my friends,
Please, I would like feedback that may help me. I am sorry for this overbearingly lengthy post.
I’m irritable today. I went for a bike ride after my morning prayers and couldn’t stop my inner narrative. It’s a steady stream of polished sentences that never ceases; it can manipulate any topic available to mere thought. It takes the poise of different attitudes, sometimes changing quite quickly. These attitudes and judgments in the form of “beliefs” (stories) often conflict, as thoughts usually do. But at least I don’t have to worry about belief anymore. The story of belief is trying to convince ourselves that we identify with certain propositions: In short, a losing effort.
Then I did meditation: ten minutes of spinal breathing and ten minutes of AYP deep meditation. I find that more deep meditation than this drives me “off the edge.” Today’s meditation yielded initial relaxation, a sneeze, extreme discomfort in my sinuses and forehead, headache, relaxation, exhaustion and nausea, and then restlessness, at which time I stopped the mantra, relaxed, and then virtually fell over into an immediate sleep for half an hour. I have not been meditating in the evenings, fearing for my sanity.
Now I’m at work, bored and frustrated. The job is part-time and not meeting my basic financial needs. I’m stuck living with my mom, sister, and their roommate, where I have been continually abused since childhood, excepting a couple intermissions. Mom has cancer. Sis is high on pot all the time. They both insult and scream and swear at me on a regular basis, depending on their whims, and generally will not let me be or respect any boundaries. I interact with them as little as possible. This situation, coupled with random visits from my brothers and their chaotic families and approach to life, has proven extremely stressful. I’ve tried living in my car a few times, but felt panicked when I try to sleep in it.
I’ve proven myself extremely effective at work over the last year. I’ve impressed everyone I could. There is no full-time work available here. I’m moving on and have been getting interviews for full-time work. A company offered me a position last week, but the official offer in writing seems to have stalled. In the meantime, I will keep applying to jobs. When I think of my situation and lack of an intelligible solution, I feel angry, judgmental, and panicked. Actually I did have a panic attack a few months ago, but I went to the ER and everything was “clear” after hematological analysis, urinalysis, lying, seated, and standing orthostatic analyses, and a cat scan. I also stopped drinking and using pot eight months ago.
The thought of returning to the house sickens me, fills me with dread, and makes my head throb and hurt while disorienting me. I don’t like being stuck there. Actually, I don’t like much of anything. Fortunately, I’ve realized that liking and disliking is unimportant. My list of “cannnots” is ten million miles long and never long enough. My only solace is that the door to my room locks and I have my two shrines there.
Love and Light
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 4:28:17 PM
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Dear Anima,
Tough situation.. Hope you feel better..
The one thing I can say is that particularly on the spiritual path, we all tend to get ahead of ourselves because although there is intellectual understanding about beliefs, duality, etc, it simply has not happened in an experiential way yet. This disparity causes even more agitation with thinking along such lines: "I should not be feeling such and such right now, because.." But yet, the truth of it is that at this moment there is pain, anger, boredom, frustration, etc. That is the only truth of the moment, regardless of what should or should not be experienced.
The only time there is pain or discomfort is when we are not aligned with the truth of the moment. You are frustrated - so, acknowledge it without any superimposed suppositions of beliefs, liking/disliking, etc.. You say liking and disliking are unimportant, but yet you do not like being stuck. See the discordance? You will be far more at peace if you just accept that at the moment, you dislike something and that's that. Whether it is important or not is irrelevant in your current direct experience (i.e., if it was really unimportant, it would not cause such a reaction). Overanalyzing is the biggest pitfall to openings, in my humble opinion. I've also found that the biggest prerequisite is complete and total honesty with oneself. Which means, knowing where we are at each stage (not where we would like to be), and working from that place. With regard to jnana yoga, the experience of many of us jives 100% with Yogani's approach - self-inquiry can be a detriment without a solid foundation of inner silence (called non-relational self-inquiry in AYP). It leads to much confusion and beliefs superimposed on or merely replacing pre-existing beliefs..
With regard to your life situation, the one way to look at it is that this too shall pass. All the difficult relationships in your life are merely karmic contracts being fulfilled - there is not one that does not serve the purpose of nudging/goading/cajoling you into realizing your true nature. They will last as long as there is stuff between you to work out and grow mutually in those life lessons.. On the flip side, when the contract is finished, you will be forced to discard it - if you don't take subtle hints, the Universe throws out obvious hard knocks you cannot ignore. It is for each of us to know when to work it out and when to leave; either way, until we let such contracts into our hearts and lovingly set them free, they keep us bound..
Sending you love and peace..
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 7:26:04 PM
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Thank you, Kami.
I passed a man on the street today. He looked strange. I assumed he was homeless and mentally ill. I got closer and saw he was smiling at the world and taking a lot in, strolling as though in the spring rain. I looked again at his attire. He looked as if he had just gotten back from somewhere far away. I passed by him and then sat down by a flowerbed and listened for a moment. Later, I wished that I had said hello and given him a hug.
I went into the restaurant I was sitting in front of. It was virtually deserted. I looked out the window and asked myself, “How can I escape being caught in a painful bear trap when I don’t know who or what I am?” A few minutes later, a woman was talking to a waiter.
She said she was in a frustrating living situation, living with three other woman and a baby, sharing her room. The baby had been stung by insects and was smarting. Her grandfather tried applying medicine, which made the stings worse. Eventually, the wounds healed as the baby was fed rice and naan.
Like this child, I don’t have the intelligence to put such difficult answers together. Actually, intelligent answers I can produce, but not knowledge. Maybe this is what you mean by contrasting intellect to experience. So I need medicine and nourishment to heal.
Medicine: acceptance through practice
Nourishment: silence through practice
I do have a reservation:
If I accept my emotions in front of others without restriction, what will happen to me and the people around me? Couldn't my feelings/Shakti consume me entirely? I am concerned for my health and the health of others. I don't want to be hurt, humiliated or imprisoned for feeling or acting differently than others. My fear is mostly that I may want to retaliate in such circumstances. I don't want these things to happen to others, either. Unfortunately, judgmental reaction is the modern cure for strong feeling.
How can I approach this?
Thank you again
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Edited by - Anima on Aug 06 2013 7:38:23 PM |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 9:06:18 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Anima Deorum
Thank you, Kami.
I do have a reservation:
If I accept my emotions in front of others without restriction, what will happen to me and the people around me? Couldn't my feelings/Shakti consume me entirely? I am concerned for my health and the health of others. I don't want to be hurt, humiliated or imprisoned for feeling or acting differently than others. My fear is mostly that I may want to retaliate in such circumstances. I don't want these things to happen to others, either. Unfortunately, judgmental reaction is the modern cure for strong feeling.
How can I approach this?
Thank you again
Hi Anima! 
The only suggestion I can offer is this:
When you start to react emotionally, put your attention entirely on the sensations in the body. Strong anger and fear, for example, have a dramatic impact on the body energy and, if you can feel it, you can use that as a focus. Become entirely absorbed in the bodily sensations, and that will give you some distance from the thoughts/situation triggering the emotional reaction.
I find that in relationships, there are really only three options:
* Accept and do nothing.
* Accept and attempt to change the relationship.
* Accept and remove yourself from the relationship entirely.
If you fear that you would become violent, then I think the most loving response (for everyone concerned, including you) is to remove yourself, at least until you've had some time to process the emotions and heal. But, of course, it is entirely your call.
Have you read "Loving what is" by Byron Katie? If not, it may help.
All love and abundance to you.
--Liz
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 9:17:52 PM
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I can relate to your experience, Anima. I'm in a living situation that kind of has an unhealthy, co-dependent cycle that needs unwinding. It is more tolerable than your situation (less friction), but still, there's that underlying feeling to GET OUT, which is actually good. I say it's good because, as Kami says, the universe/nature/God is trying to drive us in a certain direction. It's a direction of independence and individuation.
One thing I like to remember is that survival often precedes enlightenment. Unless you're trying to be a hardcore ascetic or wandering yogi, we all have to take care of ourselves. I got lots of ecstatic bliss in the beginning of my awakening, and then it faded because I had matters to tend to on this basic level. Thankfully, the silence/ecstasy returns in waves, so I have glimmers that keep me moving forward. So, it's just about keeping our eyes on the prize, accepting the gradual nature of progress, and doing what we can on a daily basis.
Finding good friends is huge too. I've found some really good buddies through AA and other spiritual spots that I can confide in and use as support. We're never alone in this journey, so if going within is a little too difficult, don't hesitate to look outward as well for support. Actually, I would venture to say that going within will never be fully sufficient on its own. Even the most solitary, withdrawn meditator will someday yearn for companions, in my opinion. The only real happiness is That which is shared. Don't get me wrong, you can be meditating alone and share great happiness with the vast expanse of stillness that connects you to other beings, but still, we're social creatures that thrive off like-minded company.
You're going to make it through. I know this. I can feel this. I don't have to prove it you...you already know it. The eternal, indwelling flame will never go out...it may flicker and dwindle and seem dim at times, but it will roar one day with the quietest and most indestructable intensity, the most subtle strength, the peace that passes all understanding.
E-mail/call me anytime. Love. Unity. Lightness of Air! |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 10:15:53 PM
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Dear Anima,
Great advice by Liz and Bodhi.
quote:
Originally posted by Anima Deorum
I do have a reservation:
If I accept my emotions in front of others without restriction, what will happen to me and the people around me? Couldn't my feelings/Shakti consume me entirely? I am concerned for my health and the health of others. I don't want to be hurt, humiliated or imprisoned for feeling or acting differently than others. My fear is mostly that I may want to retaliate in such circumstances. I don't want these things to happen to others, either. Unfortunately, judgmental reaction is the modern cure for strong feeling.
How can I approach this?
What you are describing is a universal human affliction - the fear of vulnerability. We are mortally scared of opening up, lest the one we are opening up to shuns/ignores/ridicules or misunderstands. And this arises from a feeling of lack, of being incomplete within ourselves. This in turn is the result of lack of self-love and self-acceptance. No matter how "happy" one's childhood was, this fear of vulnerability lingers until there is conscious looking into it. The only permanent remedy for it is to come to totally accept and love oneself. Then, relationships spring from wanting to share the outpouring of (self/divine) love rather than wanting to feed each other's insecure egos.
How to go about doing it? In the immediacy of the situation, Liz's advice is spot on. Simply noticing the fear and anxiety merely at the thought of opening is powerful enough to loosen their grip. Over the long-term, with cultivation of the witness, samyama works superbly well as discussed here.
As Bodhi says, this will pass.. Change is the only certainty. Feel free to reach out to me any time as well..
Oh yes, "Loving what is" is great.
Much love to you.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 10:49:14 PM
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Just to springboard off the whole issue of vulnerability and emotional displays...in the past couple years, I've found great freedom in being a little off kilter, a little weird, and a little off the beaten path in front of people. This includes at work and other places. For instance, when I sometimes start laughing spontaneously for no apparent reason, or make a joke that seems completely "random", my co-workers just laugh with me and accept my eccentricity. I don't deliberately try to be "different", I just let my personality shine in an easy way.
If your intentions are pure, then you stop caring about what people think. If you're feeling some joy or gut-busting convulsive activity, then let it express itself. People will not mistake the underlying essence of your purity, even if it's not "normal". Normal--such an ambiguous word!
Also, letting "Shakti" overwhelm you a little bit might be a good thing, because you seem to be well-acquaited with Shiva, her mate (based on the calmness in your writing). The balance of masculine and feminine (ecstatic and serene) is the whole union formula of yoga. There's a natural balance, intertwining, and joining that occurs, so let it happen. You can let it bleed and gush out a little. No need to go overboard, just gently unwind. 
One more thing: don't mistake humility or reverence with being introverted or timid. Humility and reverence can lend themselves to invigorating, animated, and passionate displays of emotion. With stillness as the foundation, there will be a natural regulation of fire and water, earth and air. Personality is a dynamic and versatile phenomenon. |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2013 : 11:13:47 PM
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Some great advice. Whipporwill nailed what I had been thinking. When a situation arrives either in conflict or not pause, then mentally step back and notice how your body feels, your emotions and relax. Remember happiness and joy is you and can not be taken away by others unless WE let them. If nothing else that little technique will help change the conversation and help you control your response to the issue.
You will be surprised what your body will teach you on even the most mundane issues!
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2013 : 9:08:12 PM
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Sorry to hear all that A D. You sound like a classic case of substance abuse withdrawal and family dependence. There is help available, I don't know if you want to seek it out or not but if you research Alcoholism and Drug Abuse in the local library or net you might find some answers? Maybe not?
Wish you all the best and I'm sure you will be fine. You might have to swallow a bit of pride though? I did.
Stay strong.
Larry |
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Irritibility and Restlessness
