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Anima
484 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 01 2013 : 4:54:37 PM
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Namaste,
This is a description of my attachments and a relation of my spiritual undertakings. You may find me conceited and narcissistic, or perhaps worse. That is okay with me, as long as there is some genuine self-reflection included. Satyam is my austerity for the summer.
I confess that I have become detached from the world recently. In terms of prakriti, I am naturally inclined first to air (vata) and second to fire (pitta). I know less of earth (kapha). Now that I have become aware of this, everyone else notices. They are either pulled to me in instinctual and magnetic attraction or repelled in fearful repulsion. Enough of them.
I have a certain command of thought and language. These things are so easy for me. I effortlessly cast them about in electric current. It finally makes sense why so many have rejected me. It is simply too much for them. Only decades of being severely and continually abused, and my self-imposed criticism and drug use, tied me to ignorance of this. Unfortunately, since I began praying to the Gods and attempting to purify my nervous system, it seems my potency has increased extremely quickly. Some friends have said this is good. I am not at all sure.
A typical conversation since quitting drugs and beginning my yoga:
1 minute
Him: This guy’s an imbecile.
Me: I’m hiding, hopelessly bored, or uninterested in your binding games; usual discontinuation, or b) This is fun, for now; continuation
2-5 minutes
Him: Wait, does that mean something? How did he know that?
Me: He’s off balance. I should let off and go back to my corner.
5-10 minutes
Him: I’m interested in his knowledge.
Me: I’m hopelessly bored. He is only interested in validation, not knowledge. I have nothing to teach him.
10 minutes or greater
Him: I’m lost. I need reinforcements or a tactical retreat back to my comforting laws.
Me: I’m elsewhere. Look at me send wave after wave at him. This could go on for days. He’s bound to the illusion that this analysis is constructive. What will result, but more destruction?
I have recently discovered that I am obsessed with violence and power. My fascination with these aspects of consciousness is manifest in my thinking, speaking, and sexuality. My attachment to this powerful magic is profane. And while some say I suffer from distortions, the fact that I and those around me feel joy tells me the Lord is immanent.
Thus, I’m throwing myself at the Lord’s feet once again. Yes, His gentle, sweet, lotus feet. But I also know of their weight. Please help me find love and compassion, Lord Krishna, for myself that I may not judge others nor bind myself in ignorance and sin!
Heal me, o Lord, and I will be healed.
Save me, and I will be saved,
for You are my praise.
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2013 : 10:51:37 AM
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Very interesting Anima!
quote:
I have a certain command of thought and language. These things are so easy for me. I effortlessly cast them about in electric current.
Do you consider it a curse or blessing?
To me having the gift of gab, is a blessing... though it depends on how you use it. It's not hard to use it as exclusive, but when used it as inclusive, you can speak the words of the Lord.
quote:
I have recently discovered that I am obsessed with violence and power. My fascination with these aspects of consciousness is manifest in my thinking, speaking, and sexuality. My attachment to this powerful magic is profane. And while some say I suffer from distortions, the fact that I and those around me feel joy tells me the Lord is immanent
Can you explain a bit further? What makes it an obsession? What makes it violence? Attachment to a certain idea maybe? Can that idea be turned around so maybe we see it in a different light? Can you see it as a blessing and not an obsession?
quote:
You may find me conceited and narcissistic, or perhaps worse. That is okay with me, as long as there is some genuine self-reflection included. Satyam is my austerity for the summer.
Speaking in an open forum about what you think are your darkest corners is neither conceited nor narcissistic... it actually takes a lot of courage to speak about them and expose them, hence sending light to those dark corners. Thanks for having the courage to speak here.
May the summer months of Satyam (and sunlight and warmth) bring light to many of those dark corners and, we see all those things we judge (as bad) ourselves for, are blessing when seen from a different light.  |
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Radharani
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2013 : 9:07:22 PM
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Dear Anima,
The detachment and boredom is a phase that many of us experience along the way. It will all balance out in the end.
No doubt your agility with thought and language is a gift of your vata inclination. You do express yourself very well and your posts are enjoyable to read.
I agree with Shanti that it took a lot of courage to share your innermost concerns with us. How can we help?
You mentioned attachment to dark magic, violence and power, which could be seen as the dark side of pitta. But, you said you are bored and detached from the world, so what is the ultimate goal or end of that magic? Is it an end in itself?
Lao Ma said: "To conquer others is to have power, to conquer yourself is to know The Way." Maybe the obsession with violence that you sense is your own internal battle - you battling yourself on the plains of Kurukshetra! And you said you feel the Lord  is immanent. Throwing yourself at His feet sounds like an excellent plan. (At least, it's always worked for me.  )
All the best to you! Please do keep us posted as things develop. |
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Anima
484 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2013 : 3:17:41 PM
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Namaste Shanti and Radharani,
And thanks for your kind feedback.
Shanti—regarding words and prophets, Jeremiah says:
My heart is broken within me;
all my bones tremble.
I am like a drunken man,
like a strong man overcome by wine,
because of the LORD
and his holy words.
Jeremiah tends to speak of the heart as something that is stubborn and feels pain.
Whether words are a curse or a blessing is only a matter of language. Do we thank dear Saraswati or the demon muse? One brings truth and the other lies. But even demons have a purpose. Why else would Krishna have spared Kaliya? Light will always reveal the beauty in darkness.
As far as obsession goes, I put a story in the Jnana yoga thread under “Doubt.” I can’t link to it yet. The goal of obsession is just to have it directed.
Thank you both once again.
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
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