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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 22 2013 : 12:07:58 PM
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Fierce Grace on Gurupurnima
“For whoever has a desire to keep his life will have it taken from him, but whoever gives up his life because of me, will keep it.”
-Luke 9.24
I found out first thing this morning that my employer is going bankrupt. Financially, the Josh body-mind, may lose everything. I had worked hard and saved to buy my first apartment. I’d bought nice furniture that I liked. The New York office is profitable because of my effort (we’re only 2 people in NY, it’s the international firm that lost money and so has to shut globally), and they owed enough money to “me” to pay off the mortgage on the apartment this year in one go, this money may well be lost, the apartment may well be lost. Those are the facts, relating to the transient and fleeting dream called Josh’s life.
I can’t describe however the peace, happiness and freedom that has been known from this news, and what a powerful lesson this act of fierce grace has contained.
In 2012, as a result of intense desire and Self Inquiry, I first came to know the Self, and know it as my true identity, the non-dual substrate of all form, rather than as an experience known by a person. In fact, the person was seen as truly nothing but a fleeting appearance compared with the Self: The formless, all pervading, timeless, empty, perfectly still, awareness in which all forms, including this Josh character, arise and dissappear. This Self, aware of itSelf, is perfect peace and happiness. You, we, the one, ARE perfect peace and happiness, free from all sorrow: I found that this is the essential nature we all share, that which we are.
Yet the “me” wasn’t yet ready to surrender its life to the Self. I felt the urge to let go of everything, and perhaps even spend some time homeless, but fear and attachment held me back. Soon, attachments occluded and clouded the clarity of one-pointed desire I’d had for the Self. Once again, I came to make do with the dull substitute for happiness, which is truly suffering disguised as pleasure and derives from living from ego consciousness and seeking happiness in objects, whether subtle objects such as good experiences (spiritual or otherwise), or gross objects such as material things.
Yet in a while, the bhakti returned, and this time it was not aimed at just knowing the Self, it spoke with a fierce and unbending resolve:
“I want NOTHING ELSE but YOU, my true nature the Self. Let this imaginary experience of a person be forgotten, and instead let the experience become firmly, and unerringly established in That.”
It spoke saying:
“You are love, I AM love, let this body known as Josh be a vessel to through which selfless love from That may flow into this manifest creation, helping to alleviate the suffering of those who are lost there, and therefore tear from him of his hopeless attempts to preserve the security of his ego, and his foolish desires for forms.”
The voice questioned me, firmly, but without hesitation:
“Why must you keep ceaselessly searching for happiness from that empty dream known as the world, which is merely an illusory appearance in That, the perfect peace & happiness, THAT which you are? You are like a fool seeking sustenance from food “cooked” over a painted flame.”
“You claim you want the Self, you want enlighenment. But what do you really cherish? Stop creeping around with fake sincerity egoically hoping to be granted a magical boon to alleviate your suffering. Be honest, be earnest, be sincere. Write down what you spend your time doing each day. What the intents of your actions each day are. Write down what you fear losing most of all, what you’d most like to hold on to. For anything that you desire and devote your effort to but That, the Self, God, betrays your insincerity, and renders you a liar. When you sit before me doing spiritual practices, claiming devotion and desire, when there is nothing in your heart but a mild, half-hearted wish."
“Desire That like you’d desire air whilst drowning, but don’t simply desire it for a moment until you can breath again, continue desiring it and accept nothing less until you are firmly established.”
It was this loving but fierce voice which came to set me free. I believe it was the voice of Nisargadatta Maharaj, because it was through reading his words that his voice entered into my heart and began to drive out this sneaky deception, which was abusing spiritual experiences as a source of personal pleasure.
At this point, it was clear that there was no course of action available to the Josh character, except to pray with all of my heart for Grace, and one-pointed desire. I prayed for sufficient bhakti, a bhakti which would destroy ‘me’. I prayed for the Grace required to progress on my path, rather than stagnate and regress.
In the run up to this bankruptcy my heart has opened up with love for the divine, in it all its manifold expression and unmanifest center. Whereas once I professed I was only a Jnani, I see now I cannot but be a bhakta as well. The intellect, whilst beautiful in its precision, is but a dry leaf in winter without the heart.
Now today, unfettered by the foolish attachments, the confusion they cause the mind, and the weight they put on the heart, I’m able to face life again, happy and more peaceful than I’ve been in a long time. I pray for more fierce grace, and to be stripped in whatever way the Lord sees fit. I know I’m not done yet, the ego waits to trick and deceive, promising fulfillment from half-measures. Now I wish for radical honesty and clear-seeing of self-deception, and for fierce grace to batter the “me” until the Self asserts itSelf and claims its right to perfect freedom.
I'm finding today and recently that the expression of non-duality is taking on a form of love, the love that comes from no ME, no OTHER, just this. It feels like such a fullness compared with my experience of the emptiness aspect last year. I guess this is the bhakti in my heart.
Love,
Josh
I thank Ramana Maharshi because somehow I feel him and see him in my third eye today, smiling his perfectly serene smile and I feel this was his gentle blessing. I also thank Nisargadatta, because I believe it was he who helped drive out the liar who was hiding in my heart. That all this coincided with Gurupurnima (which I didn't even know about until Kami mentioned it) is a great blessing. |
Edited by - mr_anderson on Jul 22 2013 2:59:48 PM |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - Jul 22 2013 : 2:59:48 PM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jul 22 2013 : 10:13:52 PM
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Hi Josh,
(((HUGS)))
Your recent experiences, especially the calling from mother Kali, are powerful signs of what's to come. Perhaps you didn't know this, but Kali is an especially interesting form of the divine feminine. There are many that are drawn to invoke her (as I am recently), many that choose her as their Ishta, and some that get glimpses of her as a result of influence from other co-seekers, as seen on these forums. In all cases, she will come when invoked, but one better be prepared for she is one that delivers us swiftly from the shackles of the ego. And in unyielding, severe ways at times (in fact, pretty much always). She does not play around - her sole concern for her children is deliverance, and all her symbolism (garland of skulls, skirt of human hands, axe, tongue dripping blood, etc) point to one thing only, her function as the destroyer of the ego. This is why seekers are not given the powerful Kali mantra until they are completely ready to let go.
Although she is invoked in the above ways, there is one instance where she appears spontaneously to someone as she did to you - when the aspirant is ready. You are truly blessed. And here she is at work! This is her way - quick, seemingly merciless and yet infinitely compassionate. Seeing that you are taking this apparent misfortune in stride, she will carry you across safely. Give in to her. Such outpouring grace is rare, my friend. And yes, it is fierce.
There hasn't been a jnani who has not been a bhakta, and vice versa. Have you read Ramana Maharshi's poems on his Ishta, his beloved Arunachla? Read it if you can to see that he was also the greatest bhakta. Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, the greatest Kali bhakta, was an unsurpassed jnani - one only needs to read the Gospel of Ramakrishna to see that. Jnana is never complete without descending into the heart and burning in all-encompassing love. Nisargadatta Maharaj famously talked about moving between head and heart, didn't he?
Love and peace to you. |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Jul 22 2013 : 10:59:00 PM
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Thanks Kami. Is there anything online you may recommend for me to learn more about the Kali Mantra?
Love
Josh |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2013 : 3:31:38 PM
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Hi Josh,
I have not explored any online resources to learn the Kali mantra. The powerful 15-syllable Kali mantra is kept closely guarded among various circles for reasons mentioned above. Even though mantra yoga is a big part of my sadhana and I have worked with various ones for the last decade, I have not worked with the Kali mantra yet. This is because the Divine Mother will show herself to me primarily as Lakshmi, the gentle goddess of spiritual abundance, beauty, health and radiance.. Her message to me with respect to the Kali mantra is, "not yet".
The common procedure for mantra sadhana is a 40-day routine where the chosen mantra is chanted a specific number of times (usually 21, 54, 108..) twice a day and then throughout the day when possible, with a clear intention of what one wants to achieve. Mantra siddhi is said to be achieved when one reaches 125,000 repititions (if one is keeping track).
If you like, I can email you the mantra along with a recording (for the pronunciation). Alternatively, you can check out an excellent book on the subject called "Shakti Mantras" by Thomas Ashley-Farrand.
Love.
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2013 : 3:53:21 PM
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Hey!
Yes, I would highly appreciate the e-mail, thank you. 
I'll check out the book too.
Josh |
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Fierce Grace on Gurupurnima
