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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
 Posted - May 03 2013 : 11:19:55 AM
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Hi Friends,
It has been 8 months of practicing AYP with good results and self pacing. However, yesterday I had the biggest overload reaction.
I've had headaches in the past as a result had to self pace. Lately, the headaches have gone and practicing has been a breeze and hadn't had the need to self pace. It was a different story yesterday.
My overload yesterday- I had a major disagreement with my significant other. We haven't had arguments like that in years. I've been more patient since AYP and able to take a lot of things like a grain of salt. It's about the same person we always have disagreements about. And as long as I'm with him, that person is always going to be in our life. Hubby and I have a wonderful relation except for this person. I also know that I can control how I feel. It's hard when that person is on your face putting you and your family down.
I re- evaluated our disagreement yesterday and clearly see I over reacted. My practice-
2-5 mins of spinal breathing.
15-20- mins of DM
5 mins Samyama
3-20 mins rest (20 minutes plus when I fall asleep after practice).
Please help me figure out what I may be doing wrong with the practice since I didn’t have any warning over load symptoms.
Sunyata
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2013 : 12:21:32 PM
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Hi Sunyata,
Why does this have to be overload?
What I've found from a similar experience is that my problem with it was that I expected two things that were not happening (and were not going to happen anytime): (1) that my husband "should" agree with me and see this other person's issues the way they were "totally obvious" to me, and (2) this other person "should not" behave the way they did (including dissing me at every given opportunity).
See the absurdity of both expectations? Why "should" either of them do what "I" think is right? There was suffering because I was arguing with reality. What was the reality? Both were doing exactly what they were doing. In fact, they both "should" be doing exactly what they are doing, because that is what they are already doing. How can I know what it will be like if things are different? Isn't all that mere speculation? Ever since I saw this and dropped the expectations, things turned around a 180 degrees. There are no more disagreements about this (like you, this was the main point of contention between us). And our common friend has become far more friendly and amicable with no big stabs in my direction!
My advice to you would be to inquire into it. Also, I find that the thing that bothers me the most in another person is a quality within myself that I dislike or have disowned. I'm continually grateful for such people in my life that are always trying their best to open me in so many ways (unknowingly, of course!)
Much love 
PS: Have you read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie? Can't recommend it enough.
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Edited by - kami on May 03 2013 12:40:47 PM |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2013 : 1:28:24 PM
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Dear Kami,
Thank you so much for your kind response. I haven't read "Loving What Is" yet but it's on my list. In fact I may have to buy it this weekend
The reason I think its overload is because I've been able to communicate with this person with detachment since AYP. I was not able to do that. Yes, I've inquired about that. All my inquiries revolve around this person. You see the affect it has on me (even after reading all the spiritual books on Truth).
How do I inquire in a situation- When this person expects me to cook for this person's daughter and husband when I have my family and responsibilities of my own (full time job and a toddler). I'm getting better at viewing her digs at me with detachment. But catering to them all the time is taking a toll on me. Even though we live in different states-the visit is every other month with constant phone calls. The next visit is going to be for months. Please help me figure out how to inquire in this situation
Love,
Sunyata
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Edited by - sunyata on May 03 2013 9:29:40 PM |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2013 : 6:29:21 PM
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Hi Sunyata,
Still not sure it is overload.. It could be.. Or it could just be how this path is - constantly revealing layers upon layers of our own issues..
While I can't give specific advice, I so understand your predicament!! For years, I had zero ability to say no. My friends would be shocked with the number of things I would take on, on top of a demanding career and young children.. The more I couldn't refuse, the more was expected of me, both at work and home..
But just over the last few years, I've learned to say no. Sweetly, firmly and, simply, with no great explaining.. Just - sorry, I can't do that. Even with my own family and close circle.. Saying no takes a bit of courage, but very quickly, people get the point.
At the peak of this inability to say no, I realized I was craving some sort of approval from others (but primarily myself).. Like it was some sort of virtue to be taken for granted.. Like I said above, layers upon layers..
If it is overload, how will scaling back on your practices help with what seems to be a recurring relationship pattern? Would interacting with this person with detachment solve the issue? What happens if you just say no? If you'd like, you can email me..
Much Love!! |
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2013 : 7:22:47 PM
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Sounds all fine here too.
A small boy has been told to do all the work and to make everyone happy. Then the boy started to help out more and more. After some time he noticed, people get used to his work and think "nice, he can do it so easily, perhaps he can do some more, lets give him more =)". The boy -nearly overboard- takes the extra work too and gets more and more unhappy. But if the others are happy, then it is "ok" he thinks. But to his surprise, the others are still unhappy, even more than before. "Something is strange in this... ^^"
If all the work makes everyone unhappy, then =P If one is happy and the rest is unhappy, it is still better than everyone being unhappy =) But the moment one starts to become happy, all become happy. Become ultimately happy, this is what is your real responsibility. Helping and doing for others is very nice, but only as far as the body-mind can take it and as long as the practices can continue and the body-mind gets its sleep and food and rest, otherwise noone will be happy :)
So happy balance and peace to you and some mental "ass-kick" to that person ;) |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2013 : 9:28:55 PM
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Love You, Kami! Your words are so touching. I've tried to say no and this is when the angry outburst starts. But I'll try your advise of saying no sweetly and firmly. I definitely lack that skill. I started doing even more after I started spiritual books. I thought you were supposed to practice unconditional love and saying no is "unspiritual". I'm starting to understand that its okay to say no and it does not get added to your bad karmas . Yes, you are right I don't want to say no because I want to be accepted by that side of the family and not feel lonely when I'm not. I need to stop judging myself for saying no.
Holy- Great story and great advice! I'm trying to be mentally strong and peaceful through these practices. My problem is I worry about other people's happiness and what they think about me. I just need to focus on myself. This is going to take a lot of work. And thanks for the mental "ass kick". ROFL.
 Sunyata |
Edited by - sunyata on May 03 2013 9:53:21 PM |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2013 : 06:41:11 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
I thought you were supposed to practice unconditional love and saying no is "unspiritual". I'm starting to understand that its okay to say no and it does not get added to your bad karmas. Yes, you are right I don't want to say no because I want to be accepted by that side of the family and not feel lonely when I'm not. I need to stop judging myself for saying no.
Hi Sunyata,
Love you too.
Did you ever watch the TV show "Friends"? Phoebe's way of saying no was the simplest and funniest.. Someone would ask her to do something, she would say no, and the friend would ask, "Why not?" To which she would say, "Oh just because I don't want to." How can anyone argue with that, right?
With regard to unconditional love... Hmmm... It is not something that can be practiced, but more an end result of increasing heart opening with simultaneous arising of non-clinging or vairagya. If I really don't appreciate doing something for someone and I'm doing it merely to avoid confrontation, is that unconditional love?
One common trap for all of us is this grand vision of how we, as "spiritual" practitioners are supposed to behave, what great experiences we are supposed to have, and most importantly, what (perfectly normal) human emotions we are not supposed to have.. And as soon as our behavior, experiences or emotions don't meet those ridiculous expectations, there is a deep conflict created within. So now, we have added more stuff that needs work, to all that was already there. I have also done this - I would get frustrated for losing my temper "in spite of being a spiritual person". Nobody else needed to say this. Then I would see the trap and get more frustrated. Identification with anything can become a big issue - including that of being a spiritual person...
Just because we are on this path, deeply imprinted samskaras don't vanish overnight. In fact, spiritual practices bring up all sorts of subconscious samskaras into conscious awareness. As you already know, it is not all peace and bliss - these come and go. I really appreciate Yogani's advice to practice regularly, and then just go about daily business. No need to have expectations of our practices or ourselves. Unconditional love, oneness, compassion, etc will surely come, but not according to our timetable..
Much love and hugs to you. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1571 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2013 : 01:25:30 AM
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Sweet Kami,
In this thread you are talking directly to my heart. Just what I needed to be reminded of.
Thank you Sunyata.
And Holy, you are one of my favorite persons here. I always carefully read what you write. Thank you.
Much love to you all
Sey |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2013 : 4:08:21 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Sweet Kami,
In this thread you are talking directly to my heart. Just what I needed to be reminded of.
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vijikr
United Arab Emirates
413 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2013 : 1:38:06 PM
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yes very very true kami@ unconditional love ,compassion doesnt come according to our time table but surely it does come.
Very inpsirational reading kami and Holy oh I am love with that story.
Sunaya just remember in whatever you help one renders to another one has to feel fully happy and contented and if thats missing then something is wrong which means other person the reciever doesnt deserve it and one has the right to say NO and believe me it wonn't affect your karma points. |
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adinatha
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2013 : 1:13:59 PM
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| The practices will help with patience. Until then, control yourself. If you get angry don't move or speak until you calm down. |
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2013 : 11:44:51 PM
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| Hi Sunny. I remember when you first came in, very kind person. Keep it up and soon enough you'll expect nothing; well most of the time. In the meantime, don't compare, especially with someone you think is doing better than you. And now I must go and try and take my own advice. Peace melady. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 19 2013 : 08:40:44 AM
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When we tell people "no", we are not obligated to convey how strongly we feel about it. Speaking of sitcoms, Seinfeld would completely downplay the seriousness of saying no. You could tell he felt something was completely, utterly wrong, with no reservations, and he would just refer to it with "not so much", in an unconcerned manner.
Besides being funny, I learned a good lesson from that: I am not responsible for convincing other people of the importance of a subject, or why I feel so strongly about it. My actions will convey all that if they pay attention, and if they don't it's not my problem. |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - May 19 2013 : 9:15:29 PM
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Dear Kami,
Phoebe is one of my favorite characters from Friends. I'll try it out to see if her way of saying no works. Will definitely post feedback. I finally bought "Loving What Is"- I'm half way through the book. Such a great read, not sure why it took me so long to buy this book. I trust that unconditional love will eventually come effortlessly. And, yes deeply held samskaras from lifetime do not disappear in just 8 months of doing spiritual practices  . Got to keep up with the twice daily practices.
Hugs xoxo
Sunyata |
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - May 19 2013 : 9:28:52 PM
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Thank You vijikr, adinatha, lmaher22, Etherfish.
lmaher22- I also remember you giving me advice on my very first post. You refer to me as a kind person because you are a kind person :)
A burden has lifted off my shoulders. I always felt that people who give me a hard time are people who I may have treated unkindly in my past lives. Now they are in my life because of my Karma. And the only way to cleanse my karmas is to try to please them and do as they say .
Confirmations from several advanced yogis from this forum has convinced me to follow my heart when dealing with difficult people.
Love,
Sunyata |
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kami
USA
921 Posts |
Posted - May 29 2013 : 07:37:53 AM
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Hi Sunyata,
Just saw this.
A few years ago, I heard a beautiful story that caused a tremendous opening. I paraphrase it here:
"In a land of flameless flames, a little flame decided it was time to return to the world. It gathered the other flames around and humbly stated it's intention. A flurry of movement was noted in the crowd. One flame spoke up, "I love you, and want to see you grow, hence I will be your mother." Another said, "You are precious to me, and I will be your friend." And on it went, the whole crowd in a frenzy to incarnate with this little flame, except for a little group. One of that group spoke up, "Little flame, of everyone here, we love you the most. You are so dear to us that we want you to soar. Hence, we will come too - as your enemies." And so the whole crowd of flames planned their births."
It isn't karma or retribution. Easier to think of it as simply love. It is through difficult relationships that we grow the fastest and highest... I'm beginning to notice immense gratitude for anyone that annoys me, because they immediately hold up a mirror to show me where I'm clinging.
Much love and hugs. |
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rce
USA
50 Posts |
Posted - May 29 2013 : 08:34:06 AM
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| That is a nice story, kami. Thanks for sharing it. |
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jonesboy
USA
594 Posts |
Posted - May 29 2013 : 10:16:59 AM
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Wow, I really liked that story Kami. Now I know why everyone lets you stay and post around here so often
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sunyata
USA
1513 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2013 : 9:37:33 PM
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Love the story! Thank You so much for your words of wisdom
Love,
Sunyata |
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8 months of AYP
