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stillness
Canada
34 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 01:10:36 AM
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Hello forum,
I used to post here years ago. I learned about this site and AYP years before that even. I have never consistently practiced AYP, I don't think I've ever gone more than a week of twice daily meditation practice before. It's seriously due to lack of self-discipline, and I'm working on that in all areas of my life right now.
I've been going through a rough time. Last year was really hard on me emotionally. I went through a really long painful breakup (actually cycles of breaking up that I eventually walked away from to protect myself - it was a toxic relationship). I also decided to go back to school, and I'm really glad I did, but it's added a lot of stress (currently studying math/computer science at university).
I believe I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which is a type of depression which begins around when fall starts. I think I've always had it but this year it has been much worse than before. I have little energy and have been getting pretty bad anxiety (took some medication for it a couple of times), and am having trouble enjoying things like I used to.
I never thought I ever would in my life consider anti-depressants, but I started researching them last week. I actually searched this forum to see if people reported it as interfering with themselves spiritually. I read a lot of positive stuff about anti-depressants here and I continued to do research.
I thought first maybe I would start meditating again to see if it would help. It's been years since I have meditated in any intentional manner. My only spiritual practice for over two years has been reading the bible and going to church sometimes to worship God with singing, which I love.
I decided to be super careful with meditation this time around. My goal was basically just to help balance my inner well-being. I started a week ago with 8 minutes twice a day of just watching my breath (no mantra). I have actually meditated consistently for over a week now and I am really enjoying it and I think it's really helped me with my anxiety.
I guess my spiritual desire started kicking in more and suddenly I wanted my meditation to bring me on a path towards long lasting inner peace, rather than just balancing my emotions for the day, so to speak. I started reading some of the lessons again (lots have been added, wow). I started thinking about using the mantra again.
To be honest, I started with just breath watching meditation because I am afraid of stirring up kundalini. I think it's been rather active in the past, but over the past couple years I haven't really noticed much, except sometimes energy when at church, and the following:
During the summer I went on a road trip with my friend. While driving we were singing along with some songs (not spiritual songs) and I think I experienced a pretty strong kriya. Does this sound like a kriya to you? I felt a buzzing in my chest and face and I suddenly wasn't able to sing anymore, my arms started feeling weak and then the buzzing spread down my arms into my hands. I had to pull over the car on the side of the highway because I realized something was happening. The energy intensified big time and my hands/fingers locked into a position (the same position they locked into once about 7 years ago after I did bhastrika pranayama). My face also locked, my lips forming a small tight "O". It felt like my face and chest "disappeared". My breathing became "staggered", hard to explain, like I couldn't breathe in and out smoothly.
Anyways, that lasted about 20 minutes, maybe more, and the effects faded over about 3 hours after that. My friend had to take over driving. I felt really good afterwards. It basically reminded me about yoga stuff again, as nothing like that had happened in a really long time.
So I decided to only use breath watching meditation because I don't want to try to stir up a lot of energy. I'm really scared that if it gets stirred up it will interfere with my studying (I'm really enjoying school and am just at the beginning of my degree).
Yesterday during breath watching meditation my third eye area got really activated. I think it was because I was watching the breath go in and out of my nostrils/nasal passages. Intense ecstatic feelings were going up from my nose to the top of my forehead and a bit further up my head. It felt really nice, but afterwards I felt a little worried.
I started reading some AYP lessons last night and read the one about over-sensitivity. This past week while meditating in 8 minute sessions, I have to take 15 - 20 mins to get up afterwards at the very least, or I get pretty irritable.
I read about using the other mantra (shree om shree om ayam ayam namah namah) instead of AYAM. For some reason, while laying in bed reading this on my phone, I decided to try memorizing it. I closed my eyes and essentially I spent 3 minutes or so meditating on it. It felt AMAZING, I can't explain it. I stopped and realized I shouldn't have meditated again for the day, but it was too late.
Today I decided I would try meditating with AYAM instead of breath watching. I did that twice today for 8 minutes per session. It went really well, but it took me a really long time to get up after as it felt so intense. My breath really slows down a lot during meditation (this was happening with breath watching as well). Even though I spent quite a bit of time laying in bed before I got up, I felt irritable afterwards. Particularly after the evening session, I felt irritable and depressed.
Also, there is a lot of activity in my third eye and crown now. I haven't felt this in years. The crown worries me a bit as I don't always feel it in my third eye when I feel it in my crown. I can choose to focus on my third eye and it will go there too, but I'm not sure if I should be trying to focus on anything AT ALL. Like I don't know if I should have to.
Does this sound like over-sensitivity to DM? I am thinking of only meditating for 5 minutes per session tomorrow to see if it helps. It has not been my intention at all to stir up kundalini, I have not been doing spinal breathing or anything at all besides breath meditation and DM. As I mentioned meditation has really been helping improve my mood and lower my anxiety, so I don't want to stop altogether if possible. I would really love if I could continue with sitting practices in a stable consistent manner that will be sustainable going forward.
I just realized how long this post is, thank you for reading it if you did! haha
Any thoughts or advice are welcome. Thank you! |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 07:10:35 AM
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Hi Stillness,
Welcome back!
If the mantra meditation is that strong for you, then I would go with 5 min of mantra meditation and 20-25 min rest..
Or I would say add 1-5 rounds of spinal breathing (root to third eye) and then 5 min meditation. And as you already do... lots of rest. If that feels like a lot, do just one session of it for now... if none of these feel comfortable just go back to breath awareness for a bit more.
Don't forget to keep yourself active through the day... lots of grounding.
I hope you can find a balance in your practices soon.
Much Love!
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SparklingDiamond
Australia
227 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 08:14:24 AM
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Hi Shanti
Great advice!!
I find that physical activity/exercise that you mentioned, amazing at dispersing any of that irritability that can result from Overload. Otherwise, it can feel very stuck in the bodymind.
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Evannon
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 09:18:55 AM
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Hi Stillness!
I too am a very sensitive meditator, and went through a period of deep depression and anxiety as a result of (I now know) a premature crown opening. Long story, but it ended for me HERE: http://aypsite.org/199.html. Lessons 199 and 201, and maybe some others. I've been looking for the exact passage, but can't find it. In simplest terms: focus on your third eye in meditation. Don't worry about the crown; go gently, and don't be afraid. Yogani mentions several times (as I recall) that the third eye is the command center, and I found it to be absolutely true. If my crown and the resulting energy flows became overwhelming, I would just focus on the third eye, and feel safe, and things would calm down. Here's the best little nugget I could find from Lesson 199:
"Having the sushumna awakened between the third eye and root gives us a stability we did not have before, and a natural inner energy balance that can be stimulated at any time simply by letting go into the conductivity occurring between the third eye and the root. This is the power of a third eye awakening. There is little that can destabilize it once ecstatic conductivity comes up in the third eye to root spinal nerve. That is why the third eye (ajna) means "command." With ecstatic conductivity rising in the sushumna between the third eye and root, we are in command of the kundalini process, and having a very good ecstatic time with it too."
This lesson, and many others here, saved my life, I swear! Go carefully, but joyfully!
Big love,
Evannon |
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Holy
796 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2012 : 9:56:06 PM
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Hi stillness,
you seem to be quite sensitive to DM. As meditation was your only practice so far, I think Shanti's advice will do for you.
Especially as a student (am one myself) it is very important to ground the energy via food and physical activity after the yogic practice session. Then you are able to do the mind-gym that is needed the best way. Otherwise thinking may become a real problem for many hours.
Another option that worked here was to add more pranayama and asanas into the practice routine and to reverse the order of practice from subtle to gross meaning from DM to SBP to asanas to physical exercises to eating food to walking or dancing around =P and then to do the studying stuff =) This is just a hint, but may be way too much for your situation right now.
Happy practicing and grounding :) |
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stillness
Canada
34 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2012 : 12:18:08 AM
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Hello all, thank you so much for your replies and suggestions.
I tried your advice Shanti and did 5 rounds of spinal breathing (without ujayi breath) before 5 mins of DM. It went well, I was able to get up after 10 minutes no problem. This evening I just did 5 mins of DM withous pranayama first, which also went well. 3 minutes sure makes a huge difference.
Evannon, I appreciate your sharing of what worked for you. Developing the root to brow connection is probably a good idea. I will approach it lightly as Shanti suggested.
Sparkling Diamond and Holy, I agree about getting more exercise and grounding, thank you for reminding me. I do have a somewhat new gym membership that I really have not been using as much as I've intended to since school got busy. I started running regularly this fall but I haven't in a couple weeks now. It's difficult to work everything around my studying which usually takes most of every day lately. However, I am making an effort to better balance and plan my day to day activities and have a routine etc...
Last night I felt a lot better by time I went to bed. As I was laying in bed I started feeling a lot of energy in my heart which really made things a lot better too. It came and went and then I felt it a bit in the morning as well.
I've noticed sort of gentle crown and third eye activity during the day today, and tingling around my tailbone. I think most of my anxiety around these feelings is fear about it interfering with my life goals. I calmed myself down by realizing/reassuring myself that it's not hurting me and everything is okay. It's really not crazy intense or anything, just suddenly "there". |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2012 : 06:17:58 AM
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Sounds wonderful!
Remember, a gentle sensation is not an overload, it means the chakras are working... if you start feeling pressure in the crown, then it is overload.
A gentle feeling means the crown is opening naturally, and sooner or later the crown will open naturally and there is no discomfort when this happenes, it feels like an expansion, and like a lid has opened so the pressure inside and outside equalize.
I know a premature crown opening can be uncomfortable (i had one before AYP), but the fear of a premature crown opening is just as uncomfortable(I lived with that one as well)... ease into the idea that a bit of activity is good, good things are happening... as long as there is no pressure, headaches, anger, irrataion or other negative emotions, you are doing well, this will allow the crown to open when it is ready. |
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stillness
Canada
34 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2012 : 6:43:51 PM
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Hello Shanti, thank you for replying again.
It seems to just be activity without lots of pressure. Maybe it feels like a little pressure sometimes, but it doesn't hurt or anything. I mostly feel pressure on my forehead (also doesn't hurt). Yesterday while writing an exam a lot of energy went into my crown for some reason, but after a minute or so it calmed down.
5 mins of meditation seems to be working really well, no irritability anymore. Though it feels really short and I want to go longer, I don't. I'll stay at 5 minutes for quite a while I think just to be safe.
"Good things are happening", thank you for that. I've been returning to that idea and it really has been helping shift into a better attitude about all this.
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2012 : 7:32:22 PM
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Sweet!
After a few weeks at 5 min, you can up it to 6 min and see how you feel... increase the time slowly, and cut back when you feel you have hit your limit... best to stay a bit below the limit... what I have heard people say give yourself some headroom... and 5 min seems to be that for you right now |
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stillness
Canada
34 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2012 : 5:59:15 PM
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:)
I agree about increasing really slowly. Every other time I tried meditating with the AYP stuff I think I overdid it and wasn't able to stick with it for more than a week or so.
This time feels so much different. I have been watching the energy in my body and I am amazed by how gentle it is, even in the head.
One thing I am wondering is if it is okay to pay attention to and enjoy these energy feelings during the day when not meditating. Is paying attention to the energy the same as meditating? Especially while I am laying in bed before I fall asleep, the energy movement comes to the forefront of my consciousness and I like to just watch it and enjoy it. I am wondering if doing this is equivalent to meditating and will lead to energy excesses (so far no problems though).
I also have very little if any real energy activity in my lower body such as the root chakra or lower spine, but lots in the head, some in the heart and throat. Is this even kundalini I am feeling, or is it just like a precursor to it? |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2012 : 8:36:18 PM
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Yes, I think that's fine!
And you will be the best judge of it, if it feels like focusing on it makes you feel overloaded, back off it.
Do you do spinal breathing? If not, and if you are not ready yet, don't start, but spinal breathing will help even the energy in the upper and lower chakras. Maybe a round or two before meditation, if it feels right....But like you know, don't be in a rush... be stable in your practice before you add anything. |
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stillness
Canada
34 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2012 : 8:57:53 PM
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Hello again, thanks so much for your reply.
I started with 5 rounds of spinal breathing before meditation a few days ago. For a couple days I only did the spinal breathing before my morning session but now I do it before both. It is going well, and I'm going to stay at this level of practices for several months at least. I've noticed that it is much more difficult to "feel" my spinal nerve the further I go down my back. But I think it might be gently waking up, but it's really subtle.
I found this AYP post that sort of addressed my question with regards to "is this kundalini": http://www.aypsite.org/410.html
I think I basically just need to not even worry about what is what, as it will all sort itself out on its own. Was just curious. :) |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2012 : 9:01:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by stillness
I think I basically just need to not even worry about what is what, as it will all sort itself out on its own.
You got it my friend!
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Would you consider this over-sensitive to DM?
