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Queen
United Kingdom
39 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 29 2012 : 5:07:02 PM
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I think I have bi-polar bhakti. I started meditating nearly 2 years ago now (it's been a rocky road, as my previous posts have detailed). It's been on/off for this time. I began with a strong urge - attending meditation groups excited me, as did spiritual literature. I meditated everyday.
Then I just stopped.. couldn't be bothered anymore, for no real reason. For 4 or so months, I had absolutely no interest. Then I started again.. then stopped. Then started again, determined to make it work - I meditated twice a day, for 20 minutes. I even inadvertently gave up alcohol (which excited me, as I heard this was a common effect of meditation) - for 3 months I didn't drink, and continued to meditate twice a day. Then - I stopped. I suddenly craved alcohol and drugs again, I completely abandoned meditation and proceeded to party. This is the state I remain in now (which is a good one - the partying is of a happy and social nature).
Should I force myself to meditate again? Or should I wait patiently for the bhakti to naturally re-emerge? |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2012 : 6:56:26 PM
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 Well AYP isnt a cure for hedonism 
I suggest you read a book called Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. He describes a journey like yours.
When you are ready it will find you. No point in forcing anything because your not ready. Read some inspirational books, music and films to keep the embers smouldering and the blaze will start one day.
It's not a race, chill and enjoy yourself. It's most important to be true to who you are. |
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lmaher22
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2012 : 7:39:39 PM
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Party on dude. I did, till it almost killed me, wrecked my family and broke my butt. Or, meditate your hiney off and slip here and there with some partying. Or don't. Hell, maybe you're on to something? We need an American Buddhist leader, maybe you'll be it by your non- judgemental attitude. There's also a book called "Punk Buddhist" or something like that, written by a kid much like you. As Karl said, live it real and live it happy; just try not to hurt anyone or at least as few as possible.
Much luck. |
Edited by - lmaher22 on Apr 29 2012 9:14:49 PM |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2012 : 4:26:58 PM
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Hi Queen,
I know exactly this journey and experience which you describe. I had this bipolar experience for a while, quitting alcohol, dedicating to the spiritual etc, for months at a time, then flipping back to drinking/partying again.
It's funny because as the spiritual practice cleared out obstructions, the partying became happier and happier, because of increasing inner freedom. It was part of my journey. I was being true to who I was at the time.
How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I'm 27. I think it was rather like this through 21 years old to 25 years old. I spent an awful lot of time becoming all frustrated and trying to force myself to stay in and do spiritual practice instead of going out and having fun. Then I'd go out and have fun anyway.
Then a gradual shift started to occur. At first, I just started finding it easier to do something other than drinking/drugs. There was a tendency to want to do other things. Maybe going for a big night once every two weeks became satisfactory, instead of 2/3 nights a week.
At some point, the whole partying thing didn't feel quite so right to me anymore. It had been a happy thing, but it began to seem kind of vacuous and foolish. The truth is, nobody can make an objective mental judgment for you about whether what you are doing is right or wrong, the truth is in listening to and following your own heart. If it says party on, then party on. But listen closely first, and make sure it's your heart that's talking. There was an increasing love of feeling clear-headed, the feeling that comes from good eating and clean living.
My advice is just slightly favor the clean-living. Only go out and have fun when the desire to do so is very strong. If you feel you could go either way, give yourself a little push to err on the side of temperance. Forcing things never helps in my experience.
And keep up your spiritual practices. Nothing forced, but if you're not in the mood, it never hurts to do 5 to 10 minutes or so of breath-watching.
Then bring a very deep awareness to your behaviors. Notice all the thoughts and feelings that surround the experience of getting drunk or doing drugs. Why do you do it? What emotions and thought patterns occur that lead up to you doing it? Write them down. Take a deep, non-judgmental look at those things. Don't expect the awareness to do anything, maybe it will, maybe it won't. You might find that in your heart of hearts, going out and having fun is what you truly want to do - if it is, go for it. But if you start to notice a nagging something else, a sense of dissatisfaction with these activities, you may find this grows in your deepening awareness of the behaviors, and eventually the behaviors just fall away.
I also suggest The Presence Process by Michael Brown. This taught me to systematically access inner silence in times of deep emotional discomfort, thereby gradually integrating and dissolving emotional re-activity and suffering. A lot of behaviors that revolve around intoxicating ourselves: whether that's with spiritual bliss, alcohol or crack cocaine, are attempts to bypass and avoid uncomfortable feelings deep within us, and within the emotional body. Once those feelings are integrated, and just deep inner silence remains, there's no desire to manipulate or change our experience with drugs, alcohol or anything else, there's just deep joy in the present moment, irrespective of what emotions are arising. |
Edited by - mr_anderson on May 17 2012 4:37:26 PM |
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Bi-Polar Bhakti
