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anita
USA
13 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 11 2012 : 8:04:35 PM
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| Some of you got to witness me falling into a deep well of pain at the last retreat. They say it's good to feel the pain, to make friends with it so to speak. Yeah but sometimes it really sucks. Today my husband and I went to the marriage counselor. She handled it very unskillfully I thought, focussing all on me, how messed up I am and how over-sensitive I am to my husband's criticisms. The deep pain I was feeling at Kripalu was in part the unbearable, very painful thought that my husband doesn't love me anymore. I realize that this may just be a thought and a fear and not a fact, so that helps somewhat. This is the same marriage counselor who told me that things would be a lot better between us if only I would take a large enough dose of the correct antidepressants. Maybe time for a new therapist? I am angry and feeling very beaten up and sad. The good news is that I am still able to sit every day, sometimes once a day and sometimes twice and with the spinal breathing. Glad that my practice is there for me. |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2012 : 12:48:07 AM
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Hey Anita,
This is Jeff, from the first retreat. Much love and hugs. I can't comment much on your specifics, other than that I think therapists are strange creatures which inhabit the east coast.
No pain, no gain. They say that too. Some of the greatest openings I have had in the process of these practices have been precipitated by great pain. When we have a lot of blockages in our system, it can be quite painful in that first moment when the flow finally bursts through a blockage and opens up a new channel. Like a part of us got destroyed, and then washed away in the flow. It can hurt deeply, physically and emotionally. But it passes and then there is just the new flow. Although it's not really mentioned in the lessons anywhere, I believe that for deeply blocked individuals, the first few big openings are going to have en element of pain (followed by release) that is unavoidable even despite the most prudent self-pacing.
It's like a clogged pipe. If you keep adding pressure to that pipe every day (with practices) eventually it's going to push the clog through. And a bunch of nasty clogged up stuff is going to burst out of the drain all at once. That first opening of an energy channel in our spiritual body hurts. Like it can really physically hurt. And it can have HUGE emotional outflows associated with it. Black, nasty, dirty clogged up crap spewing out of our souls. Once that channel is open though, a much smoother kind of purification starts to happen. The walls of that pipe continue to get cleaned out as water flows through. But it's smooth and liquid and easy. Instead of huge nasty clogs coming out all at once, it's like tiny little pieces flaking off the sides of the pipe walls day by day, particle by particle.
Anyway, this is my long winded analogy to say - yoga can stir up these deep pains and flush them out. Good things are happening. Keep an eye open for the flows that open up in the aftermath of this recent pain. They could happen in the most unexpected of places. |
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LittleTurtle
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2012 : 01:26:01 AM
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| You might do well to get your own therapist. One that you feel you have rapour with and feel safe discussing your pain and needs with. |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2012 : 03:13:34 AM
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Dear Anita,
I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I am going to say something which may sound stupid - because you are obviously hurting and often we mistake the more we hurt and suffer for the more we love the person. You hurt because you feel a lack of love and you fear. I would ask you to take a deeper look - has he stopped loving you or have You stopped loving him? His Love is his, not yours. You only have Your Love. Lack of love?? From where?
Please do note that I am not trying to say that this is your fault in anyway. Not at all. Relationships are never simple (good thing too, how would we learn and grow otherwise?). Just giving you a different angle to look at it.
Sey |
Edited by - SeySorciere on Apr 12 2012 03:25:20 AM |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2012 : 03:42:15 AM
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Hi Anita,
Sometimes the behaviour becomes so much a part of us that even the pain is comforting. Within that behaviour, there is often secondary gain which is some positive compensation for continuing with it.
Yoga aside, you have to want to change, it's a law of balance and the negative has to out way the positives of secondary gain before tye raft of secure, self destruction can be allowed to fall away. There needs to be an increase in suffering that goes beyond the level of internal acceptance before they scream 'enough'.
I had someone say to me that they were sick of their own endless stories and suffering. My answer was that they were not sick enough, or they would have made their own minds up to put an end to it.
People on constant dieting binges are like this. The fact they are over weight confers all sorts of interesting, lifestyle interests and keeps them on an even keel. They often have a trigger weight that steps up the ante. Each time they hit the trigger weight the mechanism kicks into gear and the success of losing a few pounds, attending a new class, buying smaller clothes brings untold happiness, but to continue receiving these benefits they have to go through a period of self loathing as they begin increasing in size once more.
Breaking that cycle is very difficult until they accept that they will have to forgo those secondary gains and find a new life. The reason the cycle is in place is because it avoids something else which seems worse.
The problem with therapists is they then become embedded in the same cycles ( much like the dietician or slimming club owner ). Instead of helping break the cycle they become unwitting participants in maintaining it or adding a further limb. There is a need to maintain a status quo, a level at which both the the therapist and the client are trading goals.
I read of a well known therapist that had tried for years to get a client to give up his self destructive tendencies. He had moments of success, but, ultimately he failed. Years later the two met up. The client was free of all his past problems and had changed his life completely. When the therapist asked how this had happened the guy replied that he had been in a bad place when he was getting the therapy, but he needed to really hit the bottom before he could leave it behind. The therapy was simply keeping him around his trigger point, which was seen as quite normal.
It might help you to understand how it works, that there isn't always a switch that can remove the problem because it's often a symptom of something far more holistic and interconnected on multiple levels.
The rise of the witness can let us accept these behaviours in the cold light of day and without judgement, then, if the time is right we can move beyond them. They can be seen for the thoughts they are, but not nested inside other thoughts.
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anita
USA
13 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2012 : 1:44:23 PM
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| Hi all- and thanks for all that pretty profound insight. Good stuff to think about. It's really nice to hear from you Jeff, you were much missed this year. Hope you are doing well. I am doing well with my daily sitting and becoming clearer (I hope!) The insight that I am able to experience only my own love is a good one. I have not lost my love for my husband but we are both in a space right now of not being very good at being able to show it. |
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Christi
United Kingdom
4429 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2012 : 3:10:11 PM
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Hi Anita,
Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Relationships are a good thing sometimes because they often show us where we have room for improvement. 
It is very easy to get caught up in a man-woman relationship and to invest a lot of energy in it and to get bowled over by it when it doesn't go according to plan. It is even easy to confuse that with what love really is.
Can you imagine a place inside which is very quiet, and needs nothing at all from anyone to be peaceful and content and happy? And from the midst of that stillness, something wells up which is capable of being absolutely open to and passionately caring about everything and everyone all at the same time? That's the place that we are moving towards in yoga. In that place you don't need someone else to love you because love is what you are, and it is shining all around you. In that place, if your husband leaves you, or if he decides he loves you more than anything in the world it doesn't make any difference at all. All that you will want for him is for him to be happy, and whatever he decides to do will fill you with joy, because he is doing it.
It is the greatest freedom on Earth. It is quite advanced yoga, but if you have been on two retreats with Katrine, then you are definitely ready for it.  |
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faileforever
USA
190 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2012 : 6:42:57 PM
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| Beautifully said Christi, thank you |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2012 : 06:32:50 AM
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the beautiful words said by Christi reminded me of the following metaphor used by Francis Lucille concerning relationships:(paraphrase)
when we are happy we drink wine to celebrate
but if we are unhappy and drink wine in order to become happy,then we will become more unhappy
in the first case we started from happiness (that's the place that we are moving towards in yoga)
in the second case we started from unhappiness |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2012 : 08:01:36 AM
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I don't get it - what is Francis trying to say? Is he just observing and not saying anything?
Or is he saying don't drink wine when you are unhappy? |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2012 : 08:54:49 AM
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What if you don't drink at all ? 
Thing is Yoga could be considered in the same light as a partner or alcohol. Another object by which happiness can be gained. This is the wrong view, happiness cannot be gained because it is simply a state and states are transient.
Yoga is about self exploration with no guarantee that anything useful will be found. It should be about giving up the struggle to find something and surrendering control. This is what the 'yoke' means, the cessation of the belief that we can get something that will give us happiness and instead allowing our will and Ego to be bent under the weight of the task itself. You have to allow yourself to be Yoked and give up the false illusion of freedom.
I think there is too much promised, then expectations become bloated and disappointment is the result. Best to say that if you have truly had enough of a fruitless search for self gratification then maybe it's time to stop trying to find it. Just like banging your head against a brick wall, sometimes it's nice when you stop.
People are in a ' well of pain ' because their reality did not match their expectations. Best to have no expectations and then less pain.That applies as much to Yoga, as it does to bottle of wine or, a partner. I hate to bust the fairy tale but there it is.
Once people face the reality of things they tend to get very practical whatever the circumstances. Until you turn and face reality head on no amount of therapy, Yoga, Retreats or rubbing oil lamps can be of assistance except to give a short term boost of happiness that evaporates after a few hours and leaves more suffering in its wake.
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Deep well of pain
