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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 16 2012 : 11:01:08 AM
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Hi Everyone: I hope you don’t mind this little note... I’ve been experiencing a number of big and little realizations lately. I started telling someone a story about my childhood and I thought: “Wait… I totally sound like a victim. I don’t want to be a victim. I need to tell the story a different way.” And then I realized… My entire past is just a story. If I can control how I tell it, then it is fiction – pure and simple. Well, if it’s fiction, then I don’t need to live along those same plot lines anymore. That story doesn’t describe me at all! Not by a long shot!
So what does?
As part of my job, I help people define how they want brand-new software to work for them. What problem does it solve? What does it do? What does it look like? How does it behave? I find it’s really hard for people to imagine software out of the blue like that, so I imagine it for them. I throw a prototype up on the wall and just let them react to it. And they’ll say: “Oh, I like that. But it shouldn’t do this; it should do that…” Etc. By defining what the software isn’t, they hone in on exactly what the software is. I think of it as a process of spiraling in until the thing in the middle is really well defined.
Well, I’ve started that same kind of thing with the stories in my life – picking each one up and examining it. Is this me? Not me? Is this true? Not true? Where does this feeling come from? I don’t know if that approach will work. So much of the time I have no idea of the answer. I look at the center of my spiral and have no clue at all what’s there.
I wish I had more time to devote to this inquiry, but the job must be done, the dinner cooked, the dishes washed, the laundry done, the groceries bought, the homework helped. And of course there are the wonderful relationships with Mr. Whippoorwill and the kiddos...
I’m not sure how to describe my state of mind… Numb? Out-of-it? Hyper-aware? All I want to do is read spiritual books. Each one gives me a big or little insight – a moment of Eureka! And then I just sit there and stare letting it all sink in. It’s not at all conducive to my hyper-analytical, high-expectations job, though it’s not so bad for the relationships.  So far no one has noticed that I’m off my game at work, but I sure have.
I’m not really sure where to put this post. The self-inquiry forum kind of made sense. And I’m not really sure what my point is. I’m grateful for the realizations and worried about my performance on the job. I guess the only realistic answer is to “snap out of it and get to work!” (I heard that phrase a lot as a child.  ) I was wondering if anyone had thoughts…
Lots of love to you all!
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2012 : 11:47:37 AM
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Yes, you change. Things that once drove you and seemed important are no longer in focus. When you begin to dismantle your past, then you dismantle the reason for the present, or at least it seems that way for a while.
Then you get to realise it doesn't really matter what you do because it isn't that "you" who is doing anything. This can be a strange time, like being slightly drunk and places that used to fit you now seem to have shrunk.
Like everything else it is a stage and it passes. |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2012 : 2:38:04 PM
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nice post whippoorwill...it seems that good things are spontaneously happening on your journey...it seems you are adding a pinch of self enquiry without even knowing it,which is great!
quote:
It’s not at all conducive to my hyper-analytical, high-expectations job, though it’s not so bad for the relationships. So far no one has noticed that I’m off my game at work, but I sure have.
i have been there..i work in a bank, i was in wire transfers department...in the end few people noticed that i am 'somewhere else' so to speak but they could not open their mouth cause i would still do my tasks efficiently and with less time...so i can have more time to be 'somewhere else'
now i am in credits department so it is easier for me to manage my time more to my liking despite the big amount of work i still manage to have moments where i am 'somewhere else' like checking ayp forums lolllz....
in the last few years i stopped feeling that " i am doing my work"...it is just being done by itself...work feels like playing most of the time...and when i feel overwhelmed it is usually for a very short time,soon enough i am working/playing again
all the best |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2012 : 10:48:33 AM
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Thanks for the encouragement Karl and Maha!
"Drunk" is a pretty good word for this state of mind. Intoxicated! Infatuated? Yep, I'm totally infatuated! Well, I guess it's a very good thing that Mr. Whipporwill and the kiddos are so great at keeping me stable. I'm glad it's just a phase.
Thanks, Maha! I'm glad you were able to get through this phase and not suffer at work. That's very encouraging.
The initial inquiry and the approach happened spontaneously, but I did realize what it was afterwards and went back and re-read Yogani's chapters on self-inquiry. The really cool thing is, when I read the chapters this time, I didn't get my hackles up. I guess the story had such a grip on me (or I had such a grip on the story) that I couldn't read what was written and understand it on its own terms. I'm glad I can now.
And since I've re-read the self-inquiry chapters, I've come to the conclusion that the inquiry is still non-relational. There's no witness state that I'm aware of -- just flashes of inspiration now and then. So I think that it's best to leave the self-inquiry alone for a while longer, put more attention into the yamas and niyamas, and take life as it comes. That, by itself, will be a radical change in some ways. For example, "surrender" was not in my vocabulary; it had to be defeat. Anyways, it seems like a gentler approach to me and more likely to bear fruit right now.
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2012 : 12:11:42 PM
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| It is very good to be honest about one 's current spiritual stage dear whippoorwill...let it now be nonrelational....with time and more dm practice and inner silence coming up...it will become relational....let it all get ripe in due time |
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Spiraling in to.... what?
