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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 23 2011 : 9:05:26 PM
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I've always experienced a dichotomy in my life between the light and the shadow, and recently it's become integrated.
The light in me (upward energies flowing up spine towards god): loving tendencies, healthy diet, selflessness, compassion for others, strong spiritual urges, bliss/ecstasy, inspirations, natural desire to serve and support others, moderation and self-discipline, overwhelming heart expansion at points, very positive and constructive person, very open minded, very dynamic
The shadow in me (downward flowing energies leading attention out through senses): Strong aggressive sexual urge and love of intense, physical (not particularly 'spiritual' or overtly 'love oriented') sex, tendency to overindulge alcohol and smoking other intoxicants etc, selfishness, coldness, part of me is very killer instinct and 'survival of the fittest', in-built habitual tendencies towards snobbery and elitism as a result of v. privileged upbringing, cut-off, disconnected, narcissism, vanity, can hold anger towards others, loves material wealth, superficial with a love of external beauty.
I've always loved 'higher vibration' type energies - spiritual bliss, ecstasy, love, opening heart. And as a very sensitive person, as a child, when I encountered seemingly 'lower vibration' energies - animalistic sexual desire, rage and anger, cruelty etc I was very shocked and traumatized by them. But I've gone on to manifest them in my own life.
And the dichotomy of my light/divine side and my shadow self has up until recently caused me major trauma. I credit AYP with a 'click' moment where suddenly these two were no longer opposed.
I feel like there's a very limited amount of information about understanding and resolving the shadow self. People (spiritual people espec) want to stick to the love and the light, and avoid the raw, gritty, dense, visceral and coarse realities of life. There's also a great deal of shame, guilt and embarrassment around this stuff.
I'm about to (in my opinion) blow some of this stuff up, and along with it some "goodie two shoes" models of clean-cut, excessively virtuous spirituality, so if you don't have the stomach for it - you can stop reading.
For my whole life, I've run towards the light. I've been very uncomfortable with (yet still sometimes uncontrollably drawn to) the dark side. It's like the old Angel on one shoulder, Devil on the other.
Here's a typical example. Maybe I'd be on an ultra-healthy diet for a month, lots of green smoothies. I'd be meditating twice a day. In the evenings I'd do volunteer work sometimes. I'd be working out all the time. I'd give myself lots of time for solitude, and cut-out any 'negative' influences like television, violent movies. Probably would experience reduced sex drive during this time. Would have a great deal of up-flowing, blissful energy. But overall, I wouldn't feel all that balanced, loads of bliss, but I'd often get depressed on the flip-side, and find myself becoming very introvert. Mr. Goodie Too Shoes Ultra-Virtuous guy.
And then when it got too much... bam! Suddenly I'd flip out, extrovert, narcissist, enjoying one side of my persona as the fairly well-off manhattan/wall street finance kind of guy, out drinking with my buddies, hooking up with girls for one night stands in bars, major abuse of alcohol etc, sensual, love of pleasure, animal instincts, spending money like crazy. Fairly cold and disconnected from just about everything other than money, sex and power. That's my inner beast, it's not that bad really, there's hardly a mean bone in my body, but still that's a pretty self-centered, vapid, egotistical and superficial side. A kind of inner Patrick Bateman. 
Now at some point, during this indulgence of my ego, I'd suddenly think: Oh god, what have I become, what am I doing.
Queue shame, guilt, a lot of beating myself up, a lot of resolutions to reform my behavior.
Honestly, I think I've probably been a more extremely bipolar expression of light/shadow than most people, but I like to think/hope some people here understand the experience of flipping between their light and their shadow.
During this shame/guilt period I'd feel very cut-off from the source, I'd somehow have it in my head that I'd let god down, let myself down etc and have some kind of self-esteem issue about my inability to be a perfect walking model of a saint.
Followed by an even more intense effort to be a model of virtue. Followed by a period of flipping out and going back to the basic instincts. Followed by some more shame/guilt, ad infinitum.
Most spiritual advice about this stuff tends to be: follow the angel, always do what the angel says. Learn to act on what the angel says, even when what you really want is to do what the devil says. So I tried, and tried, and forced, and pushed myself to life up to the ideals of that angel on my shoulder. And suffered when I couldn't.
Then after one particularly long period of reform (during which I had some very intense results from AYP), I felt like I'd conquered the whole issue. It had been 6+ months and I was happy-ish, I wasn't drinking at all, living an intensely spiritual life with most free time given to spiritual activity.
And then a very beautiful girl came to visit and stay with me, someone who I have loved and treasured very much in a free-spirited way (although we are not in a relationship), and partied with A LOT with. Suddenly BLAM - back to my old ways with her, going out, going crazy, throwing caution to the wind, forgetting discipline, overindulging ourselves and just loving life.
But AYP had changed something this time. This time, I didn't regret it. This time, I didn't wake up and feel shameful. In fact, I feel was feeling intense loving spiritual ecstasy SIMULTANEOUSLY alongside physical and worldly pleasures. I felt a hundred times more awake to the world, and alive in the world with her than I had done with all my intense discipline and spiritual effort. She brought spring to my soul after a long winter.
Anyway, long story short so began a long period of integration, culminating tonight in what I call an experience of 'tuning in to radio ecstasy' when I'm trying to sleep and it's like god wakes me up, injects me with 10 megawatts of ecstatic energy and I just have to get up and write an article as all the learning clicks into a coherent format.
Here's the lesson I received:
-What you resist, persists! Totally true here. There's the 'be virtuous' spiritual school of thought, which tends to be a slight rejection of our animal, material nature and a move towards the spiritual nature. Then there's the 'explore yourself, live to the max, experience life' kind of hedonistic school of thought, which leaves out spiritual values. Integrate these schools of thought. God is not like a big human parent who's approving of you and giving out conditional love when you get A-grades in school and behave like a good little boy or girl. Divine mother and father are pure, unadulterated, unconditional love always open to you and desiring you to reach out and connect with them during every second you are alive. Love your spiritual nature, raise your vibration, follow your intuitions and spiritual desires, cultivate unconditional love AND AT THE SAME TIME if needs be, follow the animal impulse, live out your wildest sexual fantasies, get drunk and be merry but never forget God for a moment, keep connecting with him/her DURING these experiences and you will transform and transmute the energy of these seemingly 'low vibration' experiences. God doesn't want you to be ashamed of yourself (IMO).
-God is the light, and shadow, he created us as we are. Don't run away from one polarity and run towards another, follow your intuition and it may lead you down dark paths which are just as valid and necessary as the light ones. As long as you cultivate and unconditionally loving attitude to your experiences and the life and the people in your experiences, it will be ok.
-Spiritual is an all encompassing word. Honestly, everything is spiritual, everything is God (consciousness, the source etc whatever conceptual label you wish to apply for something the mind can't really conceive), God is always there even when you feel disconnected, God is always open to you even when you think you've 'been bad', divine mother and father always love you even if you're a wayward child. Taking a crap is spiritual, so is brushing your teeth, so is feeling a slight brain-fog after lying in bed watching TV all day, there is not a single second of life, not a microsecond that is not a spiritual experience. INVITE THE DIVINE INTO EVERYTHING YOU DO.
-Don't ever beat yourself up when you decide to listen to the devil on your shoulder from time to time. Instead - enjoy it! and invite God to enjoy it with you! I don't think God meant us to come down to earth and just live up to some divine(ly boring) ideal that's in your mind of being the perfect person who never takes a single un-virtuous action. Maybe this is the right way for a few special beings, Ghandi for example, who came here to inspire us. But for many and most people, we aren't at that level. Forcing yourself to fit into some kind of virtuous mental ideal in that case will cause you much unhappiness, boredom, and may in fact disconnect you from God, and from your fellow human beings.
-Every second is worship. Once I stopped dividing up my life into 'spiritual' and 'non spiritual' I had a bit of a revelation. Once I stopped beating myself for drinking alcohol or hooking up etc, and considering these activities 'low vibrational' activites that I shouldn't do, I actually started to get the sense that some of these activities took me into situations where God wanted me to be, and where I could really help people. Drinking with a friend and he admitted something to me he'd kept hidden for a long-time, under his skin, and I was there to listen with a loving, non-judgemental ear, to see the relief on his face not to be judged. I was there to offer some comfort and kindness to a girl at a time when she really needed it. I made many random acts of generosity to people who needed it more than myself. I made so many heartfelt connections with people who've become lasting friends. More than anything, I spread happiness and fun with my own ecstatic energy, to my friends and many other unknown people I interacted with.
-Take a long look at anything in your life that you think you shouldn't do, but you do anyway. Particularly if it shames you or makes you feel guilt or regret afterwards. And if you can't stop the behavior, ask divine mother/father to shine some light on the issue. You may realize that your whole sense of "shouldn't" is in fact wrong.
So that's it. I'm no longer torn between two polarities, the light and the dark exist within me, as they do within God, each is important and valid, and neither is more worthy of desire or avoidance. |
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whippoorwill
USA
450 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 08:21:21 AM
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 I like this post! It resonates on a deep level. I don't have the same experiences, but I'm well aware of my own "dark side" -- a scrappy little fighter who will do just about anything to survive and even win. I used to be a firefighter and absolutely loved it. I still study martial arts. Chief Crazy Horse is one of my heroes. The Tain Bo Culaigne is one of my favorite old texts. I love the taste of good beer and hard cider. I absolutely adore chocolate. I have no desire to even entertain the thought of becoming a vegetarian. And when I feel I've had too much spirituality, I binge on dimestore romances or fantasy novels. These little confessions might cause aversion in some people, but it's all fine with me. I learned a while back that suppressing, destroying, denying any aspect of me, however unattractive, just leads to misery. So I do my best to just LIVE with great love. And I do my practices twice a day.  |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 08:32:55 AM
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everybody has a different trip. Not everybody needs to integrate because some are like that from the beginning. Some are of the heart, some are of the mind, some polarised, some fully integrated, each bears their own cross, and suffers on it.
Until you accept your personal cross it is difficult, if not impossible to go beyond it. Yet everyone discovers it in the own time at their own pace, no need to rush, it's not a business meeting or an appointment. When the time is right the light goes on.
When you have a self revelation it is hard not to want to help others attain individual freedom, but try and recognise it is just another veil, it is still within the mind, like concentric circles, or the orbit of planets you can jump between levels, constantly changing the perspective. Each one gives a little bit more distamce but none give universal freedom to know the self.
It's good learning.
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 09:26:19 AM
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AumNaturel
Canada
687 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 10:50:55 AM
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well said karl.
carl jung in his time also hinted at such related ideas where you cannot directly change something before its time is ripe: "..the greatest and most important problems of life are all in a certain sense insoluble...they can never be solved, but only outgrown...those persons who quietly and, as if unconsciously, grew beyond themselves...the new thing came to them out of obscure possibilities...they accepted it and developed further by means of it...they did nothing (wu wei) but let things happen...action through non-action...consciousness is forever interfering...never leaving the simple growth of the psychic process in peace." -from his (attempted) commentary on the secret of the golden flower. |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 11:51:17 AM
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| Thanks for sharing that Mr. Anderson, it's a beautiful progression. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2011 : 11:13:44 AM
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I agree; there is nothing wrong with having two polarities. What is bad is judging the past.
When you feel it is time to change, it is not because you have been bad - it is simply because it is time to change. |
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Integrating the dark-side / shadow shelf
