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AumNaturel
Canada
687 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 20 2011 : 4:31:11 PM
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I have noticed in the past and present, both during and outside meditation, that whenever my overall state tends to take a sharp downward course seemingly out of the blue, my mind automatically begin sorting out through negative feelings anchored to ideas or beliefs which eventually become 'voiced' as thoughts that seem to uncover some insight which almost always occurs at the same time as the negative state seems to be alleviated.
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A most recent example:
a conversation I had with someone about the idea that 'we in life have to carry our own cross' as a metaphor for their observation that the burdens/obstructions we have are ours to work through. The same scenario happened as usual. I pressed through with my ayp routine even though the mantra was against a backdrop of scattered feelings engaging themselves as if on a battlefield.
Then, without expecting it but nonetheless well familiar with it, a gradual shift or reset in my mind occurred which replaced the backdrop with an aftermath of smoke, debris and a tentative sense of peace and quiet.
At the very same time, or perhaps before, or even after, the seemingly spontaneous thought emerged like of its own accord that "there is no cross to carry, no burden," accompanied by the sense of relief. I took a moment to follow the source of resistance that made that thought, previously, as if it were the source of the negative overall state, and then looked at what exactly it meant (the mini 'realization') to say "there is no cross to carry, no burden." The investigation revealed that it was an incongruence between inner and outer truth due to the misapplication of outer (worldly) principles to those of inner life (self).
In other words, by somehow 'unconsciously internalizing' that belief (we in life have to carry our own cross), some inner part became terribly preoccupied with it to the point of 'causing' total chaos in my overall state. At that inner level, it simply became constricting, as well as not representative of inner truth.
By looking more at the way that unraveled, I got a tiny sense of how it may be possible that the way external reality, as explained by those who are self-realized (maya, impermanence, post-celestial, explicate order), is experienced creates an obstruction or barrier to the inner (Self) at least for a part because outer principles do not hold true at ever-finer inward levels. By necessity, the inner is replaced (blocked) by another version (mind things?) of the outer as a way for the inner to cope with continuous bombardment of false principles (as in, there really are no negative parts of reality, such as crosses to be carried).
Now, here is the part where, from experience, I know this mini insight really might not hold any real ground. I doubt it was the belief (must carry crosses) that was the source of my state as it nosedived, as much as I doubt it was the realization (inner and outer principles) that led to its resolution and ultimately to my mental shift or reset back to feeling balanced.
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This leads to the question about whether this characterizes some form of self-inquiry?
Does self-inquiry have a role in removing some sort of obstructions? In other words, does this lead anywhere, is it idle background chatter posing as self-inquiry, or is it only to be used as an advanced technique sitting on top of all others as they develop in time?
I ask because I often find myself preoccupied or often forced by way of such downward dips in overall state to uncover any insights that lead to some sort of clarification or relief that Seems to accompany their resolution. So I wonder whether it is the other aspects of my 'self-inquiry' (meditation-like, inward focus) that really help, or whether it is the near-compulsive actual searching inwards that does it.
My tendency is to favor meditation, and allow myself to reflect and seek insights when it the right state for it. But a lot of times this inquiring is by necessity, and I don't trust it as I do meditation and formal AYP. Should the time and energy better be spent in formal practice and daily life?
Am I confusing reflecting on something with self-inquiry? I feel like there's a monkey wrench chronically struck somewhere keeping me from going with the flow of life, as if on a fence between greater freedom to choose and create, and 'what am I about, what have I learned about myself and where do I really fit in daily life!!!'
I guess all these questions revolve around whether this is relational self-inquiry, being so forceful and all over the place, yet still yielding insights (denial as in the example) accompanied (?) by alleviating my overall state and some obstructions (?). |
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Self-Inquiry, Identity, and Obstructions
