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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
 Posted - May 05 2011 : 5:10:17 PM
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Yogani has shown me a great deal of kindness,
and I am very grateful.
I want to express something about "my autism".
Yes, it wouldn't hurt to keep that fact about me in mind..
it wouldn't hurt to keep that fact in mind about all of us
(the 1 in 150 that have it).
But autism is a two-edges sword for me.
If I ignore that I have it, and just work on my social skills,
that is often for the best, but that approach can also
lead to suboptimal results.
It is quite the "gift", that on nearly a daily basis,
I am forced, in one area of my life or another, to ask
forgiveness for my thoughtless communications. I do have
suboptimal parts to my personality, this is for sure..
but even when I am not "impure", still must I do the
daily ritual of humbling myself. This has gone on
for almost 50 years now.
It happens here, at work, at home, when I talk to my cats,
It happens constantly. I apologize to Shakti / Shiva quite
often for my low Bhakti and foolishness. I no longer let it
disrupt the stillness much though.. at least that is true.
Now sometimes I make too big a thing out of my little lapses,
and unnecesarily flog myself.
At other times, I commit some huge gaffe, and don't even realize it.
sometimes I think I have hugely complimented a person, when in fact
I have grossly insulted them.
At other times, I get flashbacks of the various tortures humans
have infliced on me-- the beatings, the molestations, the getting
urinated on while I slept (in just this life.. not exaggerating),
and I let myself go into "subtle combat mode". This is entirely
inappropriate. I'm willing to serve until the end of time, to
make up for these automatic responses from my prior life up to
the age of 29, when all those tortures finally stopped.
I do not have those "automatic instincts" that plug me into the
social web. Most people are born knowing how to play the piano
so to speak (are plugged into the human social way of viewing
the world).
I was not. I must manually and excruciatingly calcluate, like i'm
doing a math formula, each social interacton.
Now the good news, is that I have built up quite a few habits when
dealing with people, that may bring me up to 75% of what is
'expected' behavior.
In fact, i sometimes "pass" for months now, without people even
knowing that I'm autistic.
However in this forum, where we speak about seeking to maximize
human potential, it is far too easy for me to let autism
become an extra burden.
Now I could just jump up an down and say "I'm autistic" in response
to every bump. Well this would be suboptimal.
So I'm just going to stop talking about autism in this forum,
unless someone direclty asks me about it, for the sake of one
of their family or friends.
I run a 100 mile marathon every day, just to fit into human
society such as I do. Then I work my 60 hours per week.. and
run my business.. and serve my wife who is disabled.. and write
my books.. and all the rest. Not to mention, i'm wishing to post
five times per day or so, for years, until I have nothing left
to say. My next project is to start an AYP study group / retreat
here in California. I'm also not giving up on proving higher
awareness in the lab.. and perhaps getting multi-million dollar
funding to do so.
Yesterday I apologized at work; last week I only apologized
to my wife 7 or 10 times.
This makes my tenth or so apology on this forum in just a
few weeks. By all means, all of you, feel free to point out
my social gaffs. If I'm ever to lead a retreat without
assistance I can't be pissing off the people who show up.
I view someone who cares enough about me, to smash me in the
face with a ten-ton stone block, if necessary, to be a true
friend. However I need to keep in mind that not everyone
views such things the same.
I'd like to think, that the ability to sincerely apologize
somewhat covers my ass; but I need to learn the human social
ways better, so that I do not need to eat worm dirt 365
days per year. I do not mind it. The worms and I are on a
first name basis. It's really ok.. perhaps I can be a role
model of learning from mistakes with a glad heart.
But no more autism talk...
Thank you very much one and all, for your extreme tolerance
and loving kindness towards me. Perhaps my presence is group
karma for all of you! I do try to serve (LOL).
Kevin Cann |
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cosmic
USA
821 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 6:32:39 PM
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Hi Kevin 
Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. I've gotten value out of reading some of your posts. The beauty of this forum is that we can share experiences, take what is useful, and leave what is (personally) not.
I hope you will not beat yourself up over your mode of communication. It will appeal to some, but not to others. It's good to know where you're coming from. Your view is appreciated and welcome.
Although many of us here are using AYP primarily, we are each on our own path, following our own inner guru. For that reason, taking a teacherly stance will turn some people off. But sharing our personal journeys is a great gift and blessing to each other, and we should all be open to that.
I hope you will continue to share your experience here. Best wishes and much love to you.
Love
cosmic |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 7:04:49 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by cosmic
Hi Kevin
Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. I've gotten value out of reading some of your posts. The beauty of this forum is that we can share experiences, take what is useful, and leave what is (personally) not.
I hope you will not beat yourself up over your mode of communication. It will appeal to some, but not to others. It's good to know where you're coming from. Your view is appreciated and welcome.
Although many of us here are using AYP primarily, we are each on our own path, following our own inner guru. For that reason, taking a teacherly stance will turn some people off. But sharing our personal journeys is a great gift and blessing to each other, and we should all be open to that.
I hope you will continue to share your experience here. Best wishes and much love to you.
Love
cosmic
You bring up a really great point. (and here I go, already breaking
my word about autism). I just wish to point out, that the form
I possess was originally called "Little Professor Syndrome".
When I was 4, I began to lecture my parents, and never stopped.
It's small wonder they started beating me and never stopped.
Well they stopped, when they decided to kill me, and took up the
.22 rifle used for killing varmints.
Wow! What a great bit of feedback. You discerned the matter clearly and directly, where I have been blind. It's HARD to see deeply
inside all this trauma.
Perhaps there is a way that I can alter my basic method of communication, so that both groups, those who wish a strong
presence, and those who wish to not be accosted with a strong
presence can both gain benefit.
I know that I'm at my totally happiest, when I can seize upon
something someone else has written, and praise them for their
wonderful comprehension and description. Then there is neither
teacher or student, there is simply togetherness.
Thanks so much for your observation. Sometimes even a big eyeball
can be quite short-sighted.
-Kevin Cann |
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kevincann
USA
335 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 8:10:20 PM
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@Cosmic,
Thank you for being my teacher in this, is there anything else you wish to teach me?
As we all know, we are all students; we are all teachers.
I wish to convey an interesting event.
Your words so moved me, that while driving home from work, this automatic kriya
kept hitting me repeatedly in cycles.
I found myself holding my ribcase high and straight. I felt my diaphragm heaving
with short powerful strokes. I simulatenously noticed that my eppiglotis was
shut on it's own, and that powerful blasts were moving through my nostrils,
pushing up into my head.
I felt intention flying up.
I felt sambhavi.
I felt a huge chunk of karma burn up.
I felt nearly zero purificaiton effects in my body.. just joy.
I watched a long tube, rise from the earth, up my spine, and
flower out of my ajna.
The "tube" rose up like a pharoh's headdress, looked around for
quite some time, then just stayed out. Still out.
I felt the infinite expanse of empty open space from my ajna,
that I normally feel at the Bindu above my head, but this
form of it was very gentle, not electric-universe detonation.
Now, I know the symbology quite well as you might imagine.
I also know not to care about this 'vision' (it wasn't a vision..
I first saw this when i was 8). Visions are unreliable.. this
is sight. But I won't pontificate. For the sake of AYP, I will
say this was a vision.
Anyway..I have to run right now.. I have an apponitment; but i
guess my body was donig a form of focussed Bastrika.
I really ought to learn some yoga...LOL. Or finish remembering it.
Or just read more on this website LOL. What a terrible role model
I am.
Kind Regards,
Kevin Cann |
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Autism...
