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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 10:30:37 AM
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I started with AYP about a year back. before that there was always something lacking... something empty. After about 6 months of AYP there was a very big difference in the way I started seeing things... everything was there.. I saw everything, but somehow I was a little detached from it all. For the last 3 months I was really happy. Nothing got me down or upset. I guess that was the inner silence that Yogani talks about... pouring out into my everyday life.. I had my practices under control, started with yoga again, no energy spikes or overloads. There was real peace... like nothing could touch me..... On Saturday something really small and stupid happened.. but for some reason it threw my entire inner silence into a spin.. I have been crying my heart out... for no apparent reason. I am feeling really sad, my heart is so heavy, and my eyes are puffy and red and hurt, my head hurts.. I just cannot control it... I don't even know why I am sad ... I have not done any of my practices other than spinal breathing and meditation... that too was just 20 min total... and all the time I had tears rolling down my cheeks... I am really scared, because this is how I used to be when I was depressed. I don't want to go back there. |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 11:10:56 AM
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Hello Shanti,
it just sounds like a mood swing so far. No reason to worry about it.
Take care of yourself, be nice to yourself, and do the same things you do when you are happy. It should pass shortly.
Do you have any people around you whom you can tell how you feel and who respond in a loving way?
-D |
Edited by - david_obsidian on Mar 13 2006 11:11:16 AM |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 11:43:43 AM
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| Hi Shanti - I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch. When something like this hits, and there's no logical explanation for it (ie, nothing dramatic caused it), it may be that something big is working its way to the surface, which isn't much consolation at the moment, but will be once it's gone. I know you're not big on visualization :) but try thinking of it as a knot that's being slowly untied. In this way its presence may appear less solid and daunting; more pliable. If all else fails, there's a host of people here who know depression and can help you along. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 11:44:11 AM
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Wish... but no.. I am supposed to be the shoulder that others cry on... people are not used to seeing me this way.
How would a mood swing come on so suddenly and stay this long.. Anyway, as long as that is what it is, and I am not going to slip into a depression again... I can live with it.. Thanks David.
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 12:05:47 PM
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Hi Shanti, three days, or even two weeks, is well short enough to be considered only a mood swing.
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 12:28:44 PM
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P.S. You are saying that you have no (apparent) reason to be depressed. Firstly, let me say that there is never a reason to be depressed --- depression has causes, not reasons.
So what you are saying is that there is no cause in your external life situation for depression. This is certainly true in certain cases of depression. However, sometimes there are, in a person's life situation, causes for depression which they either can not or will not see or face. Maybe they are afraid of seeing them, or they are not allowed to see them.
This is not happening in your case, is it? I mean, earlier you said you had no cause for depression, being surrounded by beautiful children and a loving family.... and yet... in the post on forgiveness, I get the impression that someone close to you is in certain ways quite difficult (or at least, you find them difficult).
What gives? I mean, the difficulties you are having with this person are not depressing, are they?
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Edited by - david_obsidian on Mar 13 2006 12:49:09 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 12:56:07 PM
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Hi David,
The forgiveness part of it is a situation that is a part of my life I don't have to deal with too often. These people are miserable all the time and have a way to make me feel that way every time I talk to them...fortunately , I have to talk to them once in 2 weeks and hopefully not meet them for atleast 2 more years. And since my post I have actually talked to them twice and not let them get to me. Actually in an email to Yogani, he had told me that in my case it was not a question of forgiveness, it was more a choice of drawing a line as to how far I should let them control my life.. and that is what I am doing....
They might have been one of the many reasons for my depression.. and there are days they still get me down, but never like this. This is different. The day I posted the prev. one, it was right after I was done talking to them, and they made me feel like I was a total looser... and I thought maybe if I did learn to forgive them, I would not ever let them make me feel that way. However, it is was something I did want to get over.. but they don't get me this down... do you know what I mean?
PS. Also, there are many things in my life that can get me depressed.. all the things that would upset me then, are still there now, and are not going to go away. The only thing is, I now know (or atleast I thought I did) how to not let it bother me. Ever since I can remember, I have been a sad miserable person.. I was always really good at hiding it.. I thought I was over that.. that is why I am scared.. I dont want to move back to square one... |
Edited by - Shanti on Mar 13 2006 1:10:55 PM |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 1:01:48 PM
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Yes, I do understand. I was trying to get an accurate picture and I am glad to hear that this difficult person is not too close.
-D
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yogani
USA
5241 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 1:24:53 PM
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Hi Shanti:
Often tmes, symptoms of purification can mimic feelings we have had at an earlier time when we were much more stuck in a particular blockage. That can be a little unnerving for sure. Over the past few years, I have seen quite a few situations like this, with things clearing up and a happy ending. Well, no ending -- just a new opening and on to more purification, beginning from a much better place than we were before.
Of course, we can't say what exactly is happening in your case. The unwinding is as unfathomable as karma itself. You are wise to self-pace and be patient. You are doing just right. Something tells me that you will be through this sooner rather than later.
Don't forget to do some daily exercise. If you treat this like an energy excess (hitting the emotions in this case) and do a good amount of grounding activity, it will help.
The guru is in you.
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 1:28:06 PM
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Thank you Sir.
Thanks Meg. We must have been posting at the same time, and I missed your post. |
Edited by - Shanti on Mar 13 2006 1:47:34 PM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 1:56:32 PM
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Shanti, just please don't stop practicing. No matter what.
My intuition, for what it's worth, is that you're on the brink of feeling much, much better. I think you're starting to maybe let go of a lot of baggage, and that can be an anxious, upsetting time. But I really believe good things are right around the corner, and all of us here are sending you good vibes.
Ever notice how when you view the world with your deepest, most inner witness awareness, that things look a little sharper (more 3-D!)? Maybe take a short walk right now and check it out. The world is more beautiful than we could even bear to notice.
Don't stop practicing. Don't stop. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Mar 13 2006 2:05:48 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 2:08:10 PM
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Oh Jim, I would never stop. AYP is the best thing that has happened to me in this life time, I would not let it go for anything. I sorry if I gave that impression. I sat through my meditation.. even if all I did was cry...
No I will not stop... Thanks for your positive vibes.. and if my client wasn't on the phone every 5 min asking me "are you done yet".. maybe I would take that walk right now... its beautiful outside today.. finally 70 degrees.
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 2:10:02 PM
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| Your reward is the walk, and I think it's going to be a real good one for you. Also, please reread....I neurotically edited my posting a bunch of times. Finally got it right. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 2:26:59 PM
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Thanks all of you.. David, I guess I did not need anybody at home to quote:
tell how you feel and who respond in a loving way?"...
but I have a whole bunch of people here who know how to make me feel better... where were you guys 10 years back when I could have really used you..
Thanks all.. really.. all of you are awesome...I think I feel better already... atleast I have a smile again (not a fake one that I was walking around with all weekend)... I am sure the heaviness in my heart will be gone soon... |
Edited by - Shanti on Mar 13 2006 2:38:05 PM |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 2:57:52 PM
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I've been spending a considerable amount of time with a friend who is about as depressed as you can get. She's hit bottom, sees no way out, and it's painful to watch her floundering without being able to pull her out. We all go there, and when you're in it, it seems that there will never be a change - it will always be this way. All anyone can do is to assure you that it'll pass, and all you can do is hang on to that hope. From my vantage point, my friend is in a fantastic place, as I know her depression in propelling her to make some difficult decisions, which will ultimately change her life for the better. Without the depression, that would never happen. It's a gift.
If you guys go on a road trip, come visit me! :) |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 4:17:33 PM
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Shanti
I reckognize the state you are in. The crying....the heavy heart....the fear.....the vulnerability....the helplessness.
I avoided that place in me for many years.....I think that is part of the reason why I got cancer 10 years ago. All I can say is: Let it all unfold. Let the tears find their own way. The exposure of wounds is painful. Don't think about it - just be with it. It will heal that way. Notice how spaciousness will follow in the wake of this discharge. When the heaviness is out - in the space cleared - your essence will emerge again. All I can give you is this poem:
"The return of my Heart"
I remember
I have missed you so
Bit by bit I abandoned my heart,
couldn't tolerate the world saying "no"
while my presence was pierced with a dart
I am sorry, so sorry that I left you
for what I thought was solid and rich
I am sorry I thought I could own you
by scratching the world and its itch
I still don't know quite how intrinsic
you are to my true existence
I still don't know how your forensic
keeps dissolving my rigid resistance
Then again, it's not I that can know this
To think that, was my second mistake
The first was to cover the fact that I miss,
and instead stay wed to the fake
I thank God for undressing my eyes
I thank me for allowing the truth
I thank Life for transcending my lies
I thank You for expanding my youth
Katrine 2004
May all your Nows be Here |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 4:52:14 PM
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Thanks Katrine... that was very beautiful. I guess I should not suppress this right? I should let it all flow out... no matter how many days I have to give the excuse of having allergies to explain my eyes and face ... |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 8:50:43 PM
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Hi Shanti,
I agree with Meg, sounds like something working itself out of your system. Releases can sometimes come all at once like a dam breaking as Yogani describes, this can be a result of practices over the long term that have been a bit on the "too much" side. I had a similar experience once if you read my 2nd post on this thread and once it passed I did feel much better for it:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....TOPIC_ID=637
I also agree with Katrine, there's no need to repress it; you can watch or witness it without labeling and realize that it can't touch that awareness that is you deep inside. There’s no need to be afraid, you can’t set yourself back as you have awareness this time, I think you will find you feel lighter once it passes.
All the best!
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Alvin Chan
Hong Kong
407 Posts |
Posted - Mar 13 2006 : 11:47:33 PM
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quote:
I am supposed to be the shoulder that others cry on... people are not used to seeing me this way.
I may not be able to help much here. Just have a deep deep resonance after reading your situation--- not that I am like you, but that one of my once dearest friend resemble in some ways your situation, like repression of deep feeling; often because of a willingness to give, and finally get hurt either consciously or unconsciously. But you are doing fine, as you are willing to tell us your feeling here. We will be here to listen to your feeling.
So as long as you're conscious of your deep feeling, there are some hopes and helps from the inside and outside. You're in great pain now. Knowing that there are those know your pain (even though we can't feel it in your way) will probably make you feel a little bit better.
When I look at those who keep conforting the others and gives too much and get hurt; who could tell no one about their sadness and pain because they don't allow their feeling to express---I worry about how and whether we can help them. Is this a misery they're bounded to suffer? |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 08:10:53 AM
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That was really sweet Alvin.. you hit the hammer on the nail(I think thats how it goes, or is it the other way ...) All these days this was true.. there was no place for me to get my feelings out... but now I have found a place. I promise I wont bore all of you with my troubles, but it did feel good to get it out of my system yesterday. Thank you all for listening and being so supportive. Growing up there was never anybody I could go to and breakdown.. I was always the strong one, and if ever I did breakdown, everybody around me seemed lost. All my life I have looked for somebody whose shoulder I could borrow to cry on.. never found one... I have given up.. I have realized, the only shoulder I need is my inner silence, when that is there, there is no problem big enough, that I cannot handle myself...with help from all of you too, for a few situations.. I think that is why I panicked when this silence was suddenly gone.
This morning I tried meditation again.. spinal breathing was good, meditation.. not too good.. but samyama was bad.. now I know why Yogani says we need a little inner silence before we do samyama. I think I will take a break from samyama for a while.
One thing that was different though was Yoni mudra kumbhaka.. It felt a lot bigger and closer.. not sure I can explain this in words...
Once again, thank you listening and helping me so much.. I know I am at the right place.
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 10:42:26 AM
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Alvin wrote:
quote:
When I look at those who keep conforting the others and gives too much and get hurt; who could tell no one about their sadness and pain because they don't allow their feeling to express---I worry about how and whether we can help them. Is this a misery they're bounded to suffer?
Well....What helped me a great deal was understanding that I was in fact addicted to being everybody elses "comfort shoulder". The reason behind this unconscious pattern was exactly the same as Shanti describes:
quote:
Growing up there was never anybody I could go to and breakdown.. I was always the strong one, and if ever I did breakdown, everybody around me seemed lost.
I quickly learned that "breaking down" was not tolerated. Being openly sad about something made others feel uncomfortable. The problem was not my feelings; the problem was that it brought them in contact with their own helplessness (and also maybe with their own suppressed tears). The result being that I was on my own. This is intolerable to a child (who is immature and in addition knows nothing of its silent source). Thus I became "strong" (which is a sort of fake strength). In order to keep that "strength" up, I lost a part of my true expression. Over time, I "lost" my heart (hence the poem above). This always brings a feeling of lack. And it is! To be "without" my essence is always felt as a loss.
quote:
All my life I have looked for somebody whose shoulder I could borrow to cry on.. never found one...
Yes. What I needed was not "out there" either. Instead I got the next best thing: I became the "strong one", and in reward I got a certain feeling of being needed; being capable of "doing some good". This compensation filled my empty, lacking cavity inside. In truth (what it turned out to be for me, anyway) I did what I did for them in order to feel good. It took me a long time to face this. I mean - how can doing good things for people be bad? But it can - in that context.
quote:
I promise I wont bore all of you with my troubles, but it did feel good to get it out of my system yesterday.
This too sounds familiar. Why do you say that? Shanti: You don't bore me at all! In fact - looking into, and partly seeing the reasons for your misery is very......educating for me. It is full of life, conversations like these. Not boring at all!
quote:
I have given up.. I have realized, the only shoulder I need is my inner silence, when that is there, there is no problem big enough, that I cannot handle myself..
This is a profound development, Shanti. And when I trust the silence fully, there might still be problems, but the silence handles them. Not me.
May all your Nows be Here |
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Alvin Chan
Hong Kong
407 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 11:31:11 AM
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Very inspiring for me, though I still don't fully understand... Katrine is right,it's very educational. So, Shanti, please don't think it's boring. In fact, I started to see some truth from your sharing. Some truth that I need to know, but which I could not understand on my own, nor by meeting people. (I guess it's harder for you to express your feeling face to face than through the forum here? )
I don't know...somehow I feel that much of our misery are due to lack of understanding of how the others perceive the world. I myself did a lot of miserable things, most of which would not happen if I understood more about the others, and about human nature. So, Shanti, your sharing is illuminating for the others as well. I think this is how we grow: by action, then sharing and listening. |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 11:52:59 AM
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| Hey Shanti - this is my inner therapist speaking - maybe it's time for you to stop being everyone's shoulder to cry on. Maybe it's your turn to be un-strong? |
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mystiq
India
62 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 11:54:36 AM
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Dear Shanti, Things like this happen. We dont know why.Something to do with our past maybe even past life.Since our vision is limited we dont get a clue.Let me tell you about a personal experience.I have been doing yoga from 1990 onwards. I was even teaching yoga for some time.I always used to think that I would never get any disease of the spine.In 2000 march I had an accident and injured my spine.I was bedridden for about six months, and the recovery was very slow.Till 2005 I couldnt bend , I thought Id never again be able to do a single asana in my whole life.By March 2005 as if like a miracle I was cured. I didnt do anything, no therapy, no healers nothing it just went. I still cannot believe it.I had never thought it possible.Now I do almost all the asanas and AYP also.Its like that things come and they go when we are in the grip of a bad thing it feels like eternity but it will pass.
mystiq |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 12:15:04 PM
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Listening to you is like talking to myself Katrine. I am not too good at getting my feelings out and when I do, I feel like I am imposing. I can listen to any problems people may have, and generally have a solution to it and if not, I do have a good listening ear and a strong shoulder. Tell me one thing, since people are used to you being strong, don't you think they get speechless and lost if they see you crying and helpless? Few years back I would feel like a hypocrite when I gave people advice and tried to make them feel good since my heart was always crying.
Alvin, you maybe right, I think it is easier to talk on the forum, because I don't see how the other person is reacting to what I am saying.. nor does anybody here know me personally, so once you post a reply, you wont think about this anymore, and you wont let it bother you, also you wont judge me...
Why is it so important for us to keep up an image in this world.. why are we so scared to show our true colors.. why does it matter what others think of us.. why as a child, are we told to behave in a way that is so fake.. why do we find it so hard to be judged? (maybe its just me... )
Meg, I will keep what you said in mind.. actually, as I said in one of my other posts I think.. now I listen, but don't get involved. Also, I think I have stopped looking for this perfect person who would listen to me and be my soul mate and help me through this life.. This soul mate is in me.. that is all I am looking for now.. (Sorry Jim.. "looking for" is not the word you want to hear.. but I cannot think of anything else right now.. my brain hurts). So, I think once this crisis is over.. I should be fine..till I hit the next one.. |
Edited by - Shanti on Mar 14 2006 12:46:02 PM |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 14 2006 : 12:41:38 PM
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Shanti said:
I have given up.. I have realized, the only shoulder I need is my inner silence, when that is there, there is no problem big enough, that I cannot handle myself...
Hmmmmm, Shanti, be careful. It is indeed good to find that you have a friend in your 'inner self' or your 'inner silence' -- or 'God'. But be sure you don't turn this into self-denial or excessive self-reliance. That's something you may need to specifically move away from.
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Edited by - david_obsidian on Mar 14 2006 12:43:34 PM |
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Breakdown of inner silence...
