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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 10:04:33 AM
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| Hi all - I definitely agree that some women can be as gamey as some men. I was out of line speaking for my gender, and I apologize for spreading a myth. Let me rephrase my post, in sum, to state that I personally always prefer and am attracted to honesty and straightforwardness in both men and women. If I was patting a pooch and the guy on the other end stated that he was dragging it round in the hopes of finding a tantric lover, I'd have a good laugh with him. Admittedly, I wouldn't necessarily grant him his wish. :) |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 10:06:38 AM
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>>.(That is something else I don't understand, when men are desperate, they will do anything to please you.. so why is this a turn off?)
This is easy to explain from evolutionary theory, and the explanation is very unromantic, as evolutionary theory generally is.
Finding desperate people a turn-off is a trait.
From a survival point-of-view, a man who is desperate is coming across as having less to offer. After all, if he had a lot to offer, why would he be desperate? Who is he to take care of her and her offspring if he is desperate?
He is to take care of needy puppies, not be one!
So if a woman has a trait of being turned off by desparateness, she is rewarded for it evolutionarily, by favoring men who will take care of her and her needy puppies.
So that is an explanation of why that trait is there.
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Edited by - david_obsidian on Feb 23 2006 10:29:35 AM |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 10:31:19 AM
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How do we explain from an evolutionary viewpoint why men aren't attracted to desperate women?  It would seem that this is exactly what they'd want, to ensure that there will always be someone in the cave who will make their lives a bit easier. That wasn't intended as a sexist comment, BTW! A genuine curiosity on my part.
Desperation is extreme neediness, and it does indeed have an odor. But I don't mind neediness from time to time. I'm needy sometimes. It comes and goes. Why is that considered a turn-off? I find it charming. As long as it doesn't dominate the relationship.
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 10:47:40 AM
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First I want to say that evolutionary theory only explains why certain traits tend to be common. Generally, survival-boosting traits (in the context of our evolutionary history) will be common.
In evolutionary theory, the goal is survival. Speaking figuratively, survival of your genes, is what your genes 'want'. That's a figurative want, not a literal one.
It is we who do the literal 'wanting', not our genes. What we literally want is not the very same thing as what our genes 'want', though they are closely related.
A man might personally want or like a woman to be totally slavish; she would stay in the cave and attend to his every whim. But his genes would not 'want' or 'like' that, because a slavish woman is likely to produce slavish sons who will get no cave-babes.  The trait of being attracted to a very slavish woman will carry a negative survival premium, not a positive one.
Even though the man personally likes the total slavishness, his genes 'dislike' it and express that by not allowing him to be attracted to the totally slavish woman, at least as a mate. He can't afford to devote his cave-protection skills to a slave-man breeder! 
This doesn't mean that he won't take the chance to copulate with her if he gets the chance! |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 12:05:52 PM
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Also neediness is a little more complicated than it sounds. Being needy carries with it other traits that are not the best for survival, and often make that person harder to get along with.
A person who is needy not only doesn't have a mate, but also has the perception that something is missing in life. This perception often carries over into other areas besides mating. Your habitual thought patterns create your reality to a large extent, and people who are always thinking something is wrong live lives where things are lacking.
This is where faith helps. If you have enough faith in God or the equivalent, you wouldn't be thinking things are lacking.
So that faith changes your habitual thoughts and consequently things change for the better.
The hard part is getting it started. I speak from experience.
The best way to get it started is accept things as they are. If you decide you may never find that person, and prepare to live your life that way,
it gets rid of the neediness. |
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cosmic_troll
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2006 : 01:05:21 AM
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David, you make a lot of sense. Neediness does make you look like you have nothing to offer. I think it also makes you look like you will be a "taker" in the relationship, rather than being generous and giving to your lover.
Meg, I agree a *little* bit of neediness is attractive. After all, who doesn't want to feel needed? As long as it's not a constant, energy-draining ordeal... that's just bad yoga.
quote:
Originally posted by Lavazza
Congratulations, Cosmic.
Thanks! |
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david_obsidian
USA
2602 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2006 : 09:46:17 AM
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Yup, and evolutionary theory can explain why the trait of finding a little neediness attractive is common. If a person doesn't need you at all, will they really bond with you at all?
Same is true of jealousy, which is I suppose just a variant on neediness. Many people find a little jealousy attractive. Like leave-in conditioner for the hair though, just a little goes a long way! Too much and you look Italian. <-- best shades in the world are made in Italy.
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Edited by - david_obsidian on Feb 24 2006 09:48:51 AM |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2006 : 10:37:14 AM
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| Ah, jealousy. It's similar to neediness, but has its distinctions. A person can be needy and have a healthy self-esteem. But jealousy stems from a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, which is never an attractive trait. Why is jealousy used by so many couples to keep their (unhealthy) relationship alive? Because it targets the esteem of their beloved, evoking in them the fear that they're inadequate as a lover and partner. More reason to stick with meditation and yoga practices; they ground you and bring you into your center, where jealousy has no place. AYP: the jealousy-buster extraordinaire! |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2006 : 2:12:08 PM
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david wrote:
"best shades in the world are made in Italy."
what kind do you recommend? OK that's off topic as hell
------------------------------------
The trick when you are trying to meet the opposite sex is act perfectly confident and not needy or jealous.
Then you throw in a little hint that you have those qualities but it doesn't sway your confidence.
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2006 : 12:13:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Etherfish
The trick when you are trying to meet the opposite sex is act perfectly confident and not needy or jealous.
"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?"
---Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News":
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Lavazza
69 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2008 : 4:59:25 PM
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I am reviving this amusing thread.
What do you think about the Ayurvedic principles for matchmaking?
As I read them it is taking the same Prakriti as a first choice. Second choice is more complex, but I remember that a PK should choose a VP over a VK, since it is better to share Pitta than Kapha.
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attracting a tantric lover?
