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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 25 2010 : 05:04:02 AM
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| For the past two months or so, I have noticed a slow deterioration in the quality of silence I achieve, upto now being practically non-existent. I have lost it! No silence, no witnessing, no outpouring of love. I am getting, naturally, more and more upset. At first I thought it was just a phase, a low which will pick up, but it just seem to get worst. Analysing what has changed in the past two months, I've come to the conclusion that maybe it has something to do with bhakti. For three years my whole devotion was for that; but I have recently diverted some of this emotion towards a man who has caught my interest. But hey! I did not sign up for nun-hood - does it have to be one or the other??? Can't I have both? Is christianity right in describing God as a very jealous God?? |
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Clear White Light
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2010 : 07:11:25 AM
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This a pretty common experience actually. We seem to be making progress quickly, then suddenly we realize the true state of our mental condition. There have been plenty of times I thought I was doing "pretty good", only to realize that my apparent "progress" was just due to my own inability to actually observe what is going on inside of me. Basically, the more I meditated the worse at it I became. Not because I had lost some ability to concentrate or something like that, but rather because my concentration was actually IMPROVING. It was my own inability to accurately observe my self that lead me to believe that I had achieved some degree of success in the first place. Really the success didn't start coming until I had realized that.
I'm not sure if this is the case in your situation, but it may be something to think about. |
Edited by - Clear White Light on Jun 25 2010 07:26:43 AM |
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woosa
United Kingdom
382 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2010 : 07:34:16 AM
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I would say it is just a phase.
I went through a phase of amazing ecstatic bliss; I was riding a big wave! But then one day everything disappeared, the bliss and silence, unsuprisingly I was a bit upset - which is a massive understatement to say! But I learnt not to care, and it helped.
I kept going with my practices and slowly but surely the ecstatic bliss is coming back with new sensations, and the silence is different.
I remember reading a bit of 'Zen mind, beginner's mind' by Shunryu Suzuki. (I'll have to finish that book one day!) He said something along the lines of - you do not compare your practices because if you do you are not in the present moment. You are bringing your past into the present. Not recommended! The beginner's mind has many possibilities whereas the expert mind has few - The beginner does not expect, but the expert does and that is his downfall.
I wouldn't worry about your bhakti it is still there, or else you wouldn't have written your post! And I seriously doubt you have to become a nun because why are there Tantra practices? 
It's like that clear white said too! It's like your muscles getting stronger when you train. You may experience pain and soreness after training. But as the weeks progress you get stronger and you don't experience as much soreness, but that doesn't mean you are not getting stronger!
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Edited by - woosa on Jun 25 2010 07:44:06 AM |
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Pheel
China
318 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2010 : 11:47:43 AM
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You can keep your heart open to both; it is the mind's trick to tell the heart that it can only accommodate one. It's not an either/or. And it actually sounds like a long process of purification. Sex and romantic love are one of the most deeply rooted aspect of our karma, and we can't purify it by resisting or forcing out. We admit it and, then, we let go.
You'll be fine over some time, don't worry too much. |
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2010 : 2:54:46 PM
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Hi SeySorciere 
I have experienced just what you describe.
I believe it is just a phase.
I have developed this "theory" which may or may not be correct:
After observing a recently "awakened" friend, I saw that even though he was not at a "high" level of purification, he in fact had tremendous bhakti, and he felt amazing levels of love.
I too once felt this just after i awakened.
I think what happens is that the game of Life is set up like a video game. The first level is easy, the second more difficult, and so on.
I think there comes a time, and it certainly came for me, when i realized that the "game" was much more difficult. Almost impossible in fact. I think this is by design. Of course the divine is always testing us, and it only makes sense that the tests get more difficult.
So i think what you will find is that your bhakti and spiritual bliss may subside for a while. Its kind of like God leaving you hanging, and you have to find your way back.
At times Grace is all around us, and at other times, although we are not alone in the journey, Grace is nowhere to be found. You have to go out and seek the Grace!
Anyways, i think its best to look at this as part of the process. Nothing is wrong. And you will get to even greater levels of love and bliss and bhakti when the time is right! |
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SeySorciere
Seychelles
1553 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 05:35:15 AM
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Thank you all... I hope it is indeed just a phase. I am at the stage of having to force myself to sit through my daily practice but I'm down to once-a-day instead of prescribed twice-a day. *sigh*
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tonightsthenight
846 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 09:53:32 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SeySorciere
Thank you all... I hope it is indeed just a phase. I am at the stage of having to force myself to sit through my daily practice but I'm down to once-a-day instead of prescribed twice-a day. *sigh*
Well definitely dont worry!
As you know worrying doesn't help anything.
Sometimes we are meant to focus on areas of our lives that are not directly tied into spiritual bliss and improvement. Maybe its a time to focus more on your choices and actions and thoughts in the physical material or emotional parts of your life.
Best wishes to you |
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