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Rumighoul
11 Posts |
 Posted - May 24 2010 : 3:17:51 PM
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Hello everyone, I´m an AYP practitioner who’s been reading this forum on and off for a long time. It´s taken me a while to work up the will to post about my experiences with AYP, I would really appreciate if anyone can give me feedback now. I´ve been doing DM twice a day for roughly 11 months now, with my partner, and also with Spinal Breathing for most but not all of that time. I want to focus on my experience with DM first however.
I find it very difficult to do. I know it´s not supposed to involve effort, that the technique is gentle persuasion, effortlessness etc but I seem to have some very nasty blockages that make it seem impossible sometimes.
I´ll give some quick background on what these blockages may be (because I basically don´t know). For the last 4-5 years I have been affected by a strange condition of tension and fatigue that I came to the conclusion a while ago was some sort of deep anxiety appearing grossly as physical symptoms (but with obvious mental counterparts). When they were at their worst these symptoms consisted of a blocked-tension feeling localised in my belly, making both my movements and feelings very awkward, a feeling also of not quite being here, being cut off from what was going on around me. There was also a persistent sense of fatigue and sleepiness localised in my scalp area.
I wrestled with these symptoms fruitlessly for a long time, until finally I moved in with my partner (who has helped me immensely) and we both started doing daily AYP practices (prior to this we had both experimented on and off with AYP and other systems but hadn´t made a daily commitment). The symptoms started to unwind, day by day I started to feel better.
I can´t say what made them better exactly but I´m pretty sure it´s a combination of the AYP, better routines, better diet, talking through my problems with my girlfriend.
However, the symptoms are not gone, in many ways I feel they´ve been transmuted slowly from the gross physical symptoms which made my life hell at times frankly, to more tangible thoughts and feelings, the actual anxieties becoming more tangible.
I don´t know for sure, but briefly I think I grew up in a household where there was a LOT of buried and unacknowledged anxieties, and I really soaked it up as a child, and promptly buried them also until they started to affect me in this way. It is difficult to be sure, I have brought the issue up with one of my siblings who more or less tried to suggest I´m just making it all up (or projecting it all). This could be true, but it doesn´t matter so much the source of it, I just want to heal as best I can.
Now to my experience with DM - first of all I´ve had some great experiences, moments of bliss both during and after the sessions where it was suddenly SO clear to me what the power of the mantra was, how blissful a process this slow-purification would be for me…only for the next session to turn into hell again. This happens over and over. I know it´s me doing it, my expectations being raised by a good session then wrecking the next one. But the fact I know that´s what´s happening rarely stops it from happening. I´d say 90% of my sessions over the last year have had this quality of struggle. Still I keep trying, every day, I refuse to give up.
What it feels like is this: I can´t say the mantra. I just can´t. There´s something blocking it. I feel like I´m trapped in a sort of negative self-consciousness where if I can only let go for a split second the mantra will take over and say itself, but of course the more I will this to happen the harder it is.
It´s like every single session I end up with a new theory of how to say the mantra “Oh that´s it, I forgot, no wait that´s how you do it” only for the next time for that to make no sense at all.
I say these things to my partner and she diligently reminds me: there is NO proper way, there´s no way you´re supposed to “DO it“, you have to just relax, back off from trying to control it. I know she´s right, but there´s a quality to my experience I find so hard to explain (which is why I´m throwing all this on the forum to see if anyone can recognise what I mean!).
This is what´s it´s like for me trying to say the mantra: Have you ever played with two powerful magnets? Well when I get into the struggling feeling (which is most sessions) it feels like trying to push two magnets together while they repel each other, slip over each constantly, and there´s a little sweet spot in the field, that keeps moving, where suddenly the mantra feels easy, effortless, efficacious, but then I lose it and one of the magnets flips over to the opposite poll and fixes itself to the other magnet.
And then the mantra is dead. I imagine that sounds really stupid. The mantra is the mantra, I shouldn’t expect it to be a certain way. But it’s just like I CAN´T say it again in any way that makes sense. Even the barest suggestion of it feels like a strain or like I’m just doing it ´wrong´. Like I would get more calm out of just sitting doing nothing.
I’m sorry to have rambled, I hope I’ve kept my description as simple as possible.
I’d be so grateful if anyone could provide some feedback.
Love to all.
Rumighoul |
Edited by - AYPforum on May 24 2010 5:14:17 PM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 24 2010 : 5:13:25 PM
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Hi Rumighoul
Thank you for sharing with us so openly from your life and your meditation practice. And great that you feel the practice has enhanced the quality of your life.
quote:
But it’s just like I CAN´T say it again in any way that makes sense. Even the barest suggestion of it feels like a strain or like I’m just doing it ´wrong´. Like I would get more calm out of just sitting doing nothing.
Whenever there is intensity like this during our practice.....whether it is physical, mental or emotional.......when the intensity takes over and it feels like it "bars" you from being easy with the practice, then it is a good idea to actually do what you stated there last: To just sit doing nothing. When the struggle begins.....when that feeling of "just can't say the mantra" takes over...then simply stop, don't say the mantra. Just sit and let your attention rest on whatever is there....without engaging further in it. When this is done for a little while....seconds...or a few minutes maybe...or however long it takes....the very resting of your attention on whatever is there will dissolve some of - or all of - the struggle. And when you feel more calm - then you can say the mantra again. If the same struggle happens again - then ease off it again. And when calmer, say it again. Like this.....you will still be practicing, count the minutes you are not saying the mantra as part of the meditation - so you still sit only 20 minutes, no matter how long you are "not doing anything".
Also - it is good to remember that what you are going through is a patch of purification. These can be intense sometimes. So more gentleness is needed then. Nothing is wrong with you, you are doing fine actually. When you say the mantra....and the struggle begins...know that it is a result of a deep unwinding in your nervous system. It is the mantra that "loosened" whatever was lodged deep in your nervous system that came up as the resistance to saying the mantra. So what you are experiencing is that the resistance is being gradually cleared. And that is good news  The struggle will pass. Just keep practicing, but go easy on yourself. Do nothing for as long as is needed when in meditation....and then say the mantra again.
Thanks again for sharing so openly and hope this was of some help. |
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AYPforum
351 Posts |
Posted - May 24 2010 : 5:14:17 PM
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| Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement |
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Rumighoul
11 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2010 : 08:48:16 AM
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Hi Katrine,
Thanks so much for your encouraging reply. Sometimes it really helps just to hear from someone else that there's nothing "wrong" with you :-)
I will try what you suggest. I had incorporated something like this in a few sessions I think, backing off and just sitting with attention on the feeling of resistance, but I don't think I gave it a sustained try to see if it would help unwind things over several sessions, so I will try that and get back with some results.
I meant to write in a follow up about my experience with SB which has been similar-but-different in a feeling of either magnetic resistance where it's obvious something is happening, or a just a sort of deadness where i can't visualise the nerve at all...but I think I'll take it step at a time and just focus on DM.
Thanks again for that.
Love, Rumighoul |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2010 : 09:44:56 AM
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That's great Rumighoul
Yes - let us know how you are doing later on. Thanks!
All the best with your practice
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sunrise
Germany
16 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2010 : 2:17:51 PM
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Dear Rumighoul,
thank you for sharing your experiences with us in such a vivid and well described way - the example with the two magnets is very good!
When we go into silence with a natural meditation like DM, 'mother nature' takes care of us - let's say, the nervous system is cleaning itself, and it never does it in a harmful way when done correctly - not too often, too long or with willpower.
The basic principle is "thy will shall be done", what ever happens during DM is okay. Which might seem hard to accept if it is unpleasant.
There are some similarities between meditation and sleep. Sleep also brings us deep rest and recreation (feeling refreshed the next day), and it cleans or nervous system (e.g., unpleasant dreams). Meditation brings us deep rest and recreation ("moments of bliss"), and cleanses our nervous system ("to turn into hell again"). Both aspects are good and necessary. You may compare the difficulties in meditation with going to the restroom: The dirt must go out, even it's smelly and unpleasant. Still, to restrain from the release isn't a good idea 
"What it feels like is this: I can´t say the mantra. I just can´t. There´s something blocking it."
Perhaps it helps to see it in a way that the mantra should repeat, and is repeating itself. It is not you thinking the mantra, the mantra repeats itself in a manner that is best for your nervous system. If you have lots of stress and tension, too many repetitions of the mantra would be too much at this moment. This might be an explanation why it is currently still difficult to think the mantra.
I found Katrine's comment very useful: "then simply stop, don't say the mantra", and only sitting around is then still a full-fledged meditation.
You may add another technique: When it is too difficult to repeat the mantra, focus gently on your breathing instead. Just watch your breath going in, and out, and in, and out...Don't manipulate your breath, don't make it intentionally deeper or calmer. A meditation teacher showed me this as an preparatory or alternative technique to mantra repetition. The brain area controlling breath is very deep within us and very fundamental, thus this works easily.
"I grew up in a household where there was a LOT of buried and unacknowledged anxieties, and I really soaked it up as a child"; "For the last 4-5 years I have been affected by a strange condition of tension and fatigue"
Dear Rumighoul, this is really a heavy burden - be patient with yourself. You can clean all that tension out with meditation alone, but then it might be more often the unpleasant "hell" aspect rather than bliss and peace. From my own experience, if you clean out your nervous system just the other way before meditation, you can burn away a lot of stress and enjoy a peaceful bliss meditation more often. In a word, a heavy workout directly before meditation helped me a lot during times with lots of stress (my family background is also one of high tension, anxiety and stress). I did weight lifting and body building before meditation, and then the meditation went directly deeeep and blissfully, because the workout burned away lots of fresh and old adrenaline. Alternative to weight lifting, Tai Bo or martial art or fast running are sure good too. Just make sure that you really sweat, then take a warm shower and sit down to meditation - it should help a lot!
Another way to prepare the body for meditation is doing the asanas. I found it a good way to precede one meditation with asanas, and one with a decent workout.
Hope I could help a little - all the best for you! |
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Really Struggling with Deep Meditation
